LAMB The Gospel According to Biff, Christ‘s Childhood Pal CHRISTOPHER MOORE SPECIAL_IMAGE-logo.jpg-REPLACE_ME Author’s blessing If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it. If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil. If you seek an adventure, may this story sing you away to blissful escape. If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions. All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not. May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them. May you find perfection, and know it by name. Contents Prologue Part I Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Part II Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Part III Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Part IV Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Part V Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Part VI Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Epilogue Afterword AUTHOR‘S BLESSING ONE You think you know how this story is going to… TWO The angel wants me to convey more of Joshua‘s grace. THREE The angel will tell me nothing of what happened to… FOUR Yet another reason that I loathe the heavenly scum with… FIVE Well, it worked, I finally got the angel to leave… SIX When we got back to Nazareth we expected to find… SEVEN And the angel said, ―What prophet has this written? For… EIGHT I‘ve managed to sneak into the bathroom long enough to… PART II Change NINE I should have had a plan before I tried to… TEN The angel and I had been watching a movie about… ELEVEN Since my escape attempt, I can‘t get the angel to… TWELVE Well, by pretending to have an overactive bladder, I‘ve managed… THIRTEEN ―I could kick that punk‘s punk ass,‖ the angel said, jumping… FOURTEEN Meanwhile, back at the hotel room, Raziel has given up… FIFTEEN Joshua and Balthasar rode into Kabul at a time of… PART III Compassion SIXTEEN We were twelve days into our journey, following Balthasar‘s meticulously… SEVENTEEN I‘ve settled into some sort of droning routine here at… EIGHTEEN I have been out among you, eating and talking and… NINETEEN Another day spent wandering the city with the angel, another… PART IV Spirit TWENTY The road was just wide enough for the two of… TWENTY-ONE ―You make a very attractive woman,‖ Rumi said from the… TWENTY-TWO Tamil, as it turned out, was not a small town… PART V Lamb TWENTY-THREE We rode Vana north toward the Silk Road, skirting the… TWENTY-FOUR I‘ve finally finished reading these stories by Matthew, Mark, Luke,… TWENTY-FIVE Philip, who was called the new guy, asked that we… TWENTY-SIX You can travel the whole world, but there are always… TWENTY-SEVEN The angel and I watched Star Wars for the second… TWENTY-EIGHT Joshua‘s ministry was three years of preaching, sometimes three times… TWENTY-NINE When it was all finished, Simon looked great, better than… PART VI Passion SUNDAY Joshua‘s mother and his brother James found us outside of… MONDAY On Monday Joshua led us through the Golden Gate into… TUESDAY We all slept that night in the upper room of… WEDNESDAY At first light Maggie and I were pounding on Joseph‘s… THURSDAY It was Simon and Andrew who stormed up the steps… FRIDAY Eleven apostles, Maggie, Joshua‘s mother, and his brother James gathered… EPILOGUE The angel took the book from him, then went out… AFTERWORD ABOUT THE AUTHOR PRAISE BOOKS BY CHRISTOPHER MOORE COPYRIGHT ABOUT THE PUBLISHER Prologue The angel was cleaning out his closets when the call came. Halos and moonbeams were sorted into piles according to brightness, satchels of wrath and scabbards of lightning hung on hooks waiting to be dusted. A wineskin of glory had leaked in the corner and the angel blotted it with a wad of fabric. Each time he turned the cloth a muted chorus rang from the closet, as if he‘d clamped the lid down on a pickle jar full of Hallelujah Chorus. ―Raziel, what in heaven‘s name are you doing?‖ The archangel Stephan was standing over him, brandishing a scroll like a rolled-up magazine over a piddling puppy. ―Orders?‖ the angel asked. ―Dirt-side.‖ ―I was just there.‖ ―Two millennia ago.‖ ―Really?‖ Raziel checked his watch, then tapped the crystal. ―Are you sure?‖ ―What do you think?‖ Stephan held out the scroll so Raziel could see the Burning Bush seal. ―When do I leave? I was almost finished here.‖ ―Now. Pack the gift of tongues and some minor miracles. No weapons, it‘s not a wrath job. You‘ll be undercover. Very low profile, but important. It‘s all in the orders.‖ Stephan handed him the scroll. ―Why me?‖ ―I asked that too.‖ ―And?‖ ―I was reminded why angels are cast out.‖ ―Whoa! That big?‖ Stephan coughed, clearly an affectation, since angels didn‘t breathe. ―I‘m not sure I‘m supposed to know, but the rumor is that it‘s a new book.‖ ―You‘re kidding. A sequel? Revelations 2, just when you thought it was safe to sin?‖ ―It‘s a Gospel.‖ ―A Gospel, after all this time? Who?‖ ―Levi who is called Biff.‖ Raziel dropped his rag and stood. ―This has to be a mistake.‖ ―It comes directly from the Son.‖ ―There‘s a reason Biff isn‘t mentioned in the other books, you know? He‘s a total—‖ ―Don‘t say it.‖ ―But he‘s such an asshole.‖ ―You talk like that and you wonder why you get dirt-duty.‖ ―Why now, after so long, the four Gospels have been fine so far, and why him?‖ ―Because it‘s some kind of anniversary in dirt-dweller time of the Son‘s birth, and he feels it‘s time the whole story is told.‖ Raziel hung his head. ―I‘d better pack.‖ ―Gift of tongues,‖ Stephan reminded. ―Of course, so I can take crap in a thousand languages.‖ ―Go get the good news, Raziel. Bring me back some chocolate.‖ ―Chocolate?‖ ―It‘s a dirt-dweller snack. You‘ll like it. Satan invented it.‖ ―Devil‘s food?‖ ―You can only eat so much white cake, my friend.‖ Midnight. The angel stood on a barren hillside on the outskirts of the holy city of Jerusalem. He raised his arms aloft and a dry wind whipped his white robe around him. ―Arise, Levi who is called Biff.‖ A whirlwind formed before him, pulling dust from the hillside into a column that took the shape of a man. ―Arise, Biff. Your time has come.‖ The wind whipped into a fury and the angel pulled the sleeve of his robe across his face. ―Arise, Biff, and walk again among the living.‖ The whirlwind began to subside, leaving the man-shaped column of dust standing on the hillside. In a moment, the hillside was calm again. The angel pulled a gold vessel from his satchel and poured it over the column. The dust washed away, leaving a muddy, naked man sputtering in the starlight. ―Welcome back to the living,‖ the angel said. The man blinked, then held his hand before his eyes as if he expected to see through it. ―I‘m alive,‖ he said in a language he had never heard before. ―Yes,‖ the angel said. ―What are these sounds, these words?‖ ―You have been given the gift of tongues.‖ ―I‘ve always had the gift of tongues, ask any girl I‘ve known. What are these words?‖ ―Languages. You‘ve been given the gift of languages, as were all the apostles.‖ ―Then the kingdom has come.‖ ―Yes.‖ ―How long?‖ ―Two thousand years ago.‖ ―You worthless bag of dog shit,‖ said Levi who was called Biff, as he punched the angel in the mouth. ―You‘re late.‖ The angel picked himself up and gingerly touched his lip. ―Nice talk to a messenger of the Lord.‖ ―It‘s a gift,‖ Biff said. Part I The Boy God is a comedian playing to an audience that is afraid to laugh. VOLTAIRE Chapter 1 You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don‘t. Trust me, I was there. I know. The first time I saw the man who would save the world he was sitting near the central well in Nazareth with a lizard hanging out of his mouth. Just the tail end and the hind legs were visible on the outside; the head and forelegs were halfway down the hatch. He was six, like me, and his beard had not come in fully, so he didn‘t look much like the pictures you‘ve seen of him. His eyes were like dark honey, and they smiled at me out of a mop of blue-black curls that framed his face. There was a light older than Moses in those eyes. ―Unclean! Unclean!‖ I screamed, pointing at the boy, so my mother would see that I knew the Law, but she ignored me, as did all the other mothers who were filling their jars at the well. The boy took the lizard from his mouth and handed it to his younger brother, who sat beside him in the sand. The younger boy played with the lizard for a while, teasing it until it reared its little head as if to bite, then he picked up a rock and mashed the creature‘s head. Bewildered, he pushed the dead lizard around in the sand, and once assured that it wasn‘t going anywhere on its own, he picked it up and handed it back to his older brother. Into his mouth went the lizard, and before I could accuse, out it came again, squirming