Project Gutenberg's Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings, by Henry Wheeler Shaw This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings Author: Henry Wheeler Shaw Release Date: April 12, 2014 [EBook #45365] Language: English Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS, HIZ SAYINGS *** Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) book end Josh Billings at home.—Preparing his new Lecture. Josh Billings at home.—Preparing his new Lecture. JOSH BILLINGS, Hiz Sayings. WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS. logo NEW YORK: Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square. LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO. M DCCC LXX. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by G. W. CARLETON, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of New York TO DEAKON URIAH BILLINGS, (A man ov menny virtues, and sum vices) this book iz completely dedikated—and may he hav the strength tew stand it. Hiz own nephew, JOSHUA BILLINGS Tred litely, dear reader, for the way iz ruff. This book waz got up tew sell, but if it don't prove tew be a sell, I shan't worry about it. J. BILLINGS. CONTENTS. Page. I. JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE. 13 II. JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. 15 III. REMARKS. 17 IV. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 19 V. A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS. 22 VI. FEMALE EDDIKASHUN. 25 VII. DEPOZETIONS. 28 VIII. WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES. 31 IX. PASHUNCE OV JOB. 34 X. FRIENDLY LETTER. 35 XI. AFFURISIMS. 37 XII. JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS. 40 XIII. REMARKS. 43 XIV. JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY. 45 XV. NOSHUNS. 47 XVI. SAYINS. 51 XVII. REMARKS. 53 XVIII. THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH. 56 XIX. MANIFEST DESTINY. 59 XX. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 62 XXI. ON DOGS. 64 XXII. SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS. 67 XXIII. FASHION. 70 XXIV. REMARKS. 73 XXV. PROVERBIAL PIG. 75 XXVI. PROVERBS. 77 XXVII. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 79 XXVIII. PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY. 82 XXIX. A FU REMARKS. 85 XXX. A LEKTURE TEW MALE YUNG MEN ONLY. 87 XXXI. CLEVER FELLOWS. 90 XXXII. AFFERISIMS. 92 XXXIV. A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN. 97 XXXV. THE RASE KOARSE. 100 XXXVI. "GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE." 106 XXXVII. WATCH DOGS. 108 XXXVIII. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. 110 XXXVIX. REMARKS. 113 XL. AN ESSA ONTO MUSIK. 117 XLI. "MAN WAZ MADE TEW MOURN." 120 XLII. PROVERBS. 122 XLIII. KISSING CONSIDERED. 124 XLIV. FOR A FU MINNITS AMONG THE SPEERITS. 128 XLV. SAYINGS. 131 XLVI. JOSH GOES TO LONG BRANCH. 133 XLVII. TO MY LADY CORRESPONDENTS. 137 XLVIII. ON WIDDERS. 140 XLIX. THINGS THAT I DON'T HANKER AFTER TO SEE. 143 L. ON COURTING. 145 LI. REMARKS. 149 LII. THE FAULT FINDER. 152 LIII. PROVERBS. 154 LIV. KOLIDING. 156 LV. ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES. 157 LVI. TRUE BILLS. 161 LVII. NARRATIF. 163 LVIII. PHOTOGRAPHS. 167 LVIX. AFFERISIMS. 169 LX. JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT. 172 LXI. THINGS THAT SUIT ME. 174 LXII. MY FIRST GONG. 176 LXIII. PROVERBS. 178 LXIV. DISIPLIN IZ EVRATHING—IN 2 PARTS. 181 LXV. CORRESPONDENTS. 183 LXVI. JOSH BILLINGS AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. 186 LXVII. NOT ENNY SHANGHI FOR ME. 189 LXVIII. IS DISPOSING OF THINGS FOR CHARITABLE PURPOSES BI "LOT" A SIN. 191 LXIX. ADVERTIZEMENT. 193 LXX. OUT WEST. 196 LXXI. SAYINS. 198 LXXII. A WIMMIN'S LEAGUE MEETIN. 200 LXXIII. A TRUE FISH STORY FOUNDED ON FAK. 203 LXXIV. AT SARATOGA SPRINGS. 205 LXXV. SPIRITUAL BELIEF OV THE BILLINGSES. 208 LXXVI. JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A "HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN." 209 LXXVII. PROVERBS. 213 LXXVIII. DOMESTIK RECEIPTS IN FULL. 216 LXXIX. FAKS. 218 LXXX. ON LECTURES. 219 LXXXI. YANKEE NOSHUNS. 222 LXXXII. ATTENTION! SQUAD! 224 LXXXIII. THE FUST BABY. 226 LXXXIV. LAUGHING. 228 LXXXV. PIONEERS. 229 JOSH BILLINGS. I. JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE. The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes. You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient. II. JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE. I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on him az enny man ever owned:— QUESTIONS. 1st—Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so. 2d—Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time? 3d—What is yure precise fiteing weight? 4th—Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much? 5th—What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments! 6th—Du yu ever hav enny nite mares? 7th—Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor? 8th—Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it. 9th—What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully? 10th—Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu? After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles. III. REMARKS. Tha tell me that them who hav the harte diseaze are liable tu di at enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it. Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking into. It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat. Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled. Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more fragrant. Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just rite. Men liv tu a ripe old age bi keeping green. Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself. "Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got tew tap the barrell before it will prevale. IV. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. "Amelia."—Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time. "Fred."—Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by. "Whip."—Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a sekund, 10 feet oph. "Gertrude."—Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or otherwise. "Plutark."—Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a foot. "Sportsman."—Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in mi line, but i haste tu repli, as follers, to wit: The rite length tu cut oph a dog's tale haz never yet bin fully diskovered, but iz undoubtedly somewhare bak ov hiz ears, provided yu git the dog's consent. N. B.—It aint absolutely necessara the dog's consent should be in riteing. "Kate."—I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov; 'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest. V. A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS Ack Fust.—Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his arms, about 16 hands high—it makes the dorg puff —the dorg lays down the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put him out!"] Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion—Lap dorg diskovers a wicked flee at work on his tale—pursues him—round and round tha go—dorg a leettle ahead—sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!"—boarding skool girl faints standing—the curtin drops. Ack number 2.—Curtin highsts—sevral blind men in the distanse, looking thru a key whole—one ov them sez, "he don't see it!" A shanghi ruseter cums out, with epaulets on, and crows Yankee Doodle—musik bi the band. The shanghi lays an egg on the stage, about the size ov a wasps nest, and then limps oph, very much tired and redused. Curtin falls agin. Ack number 3.—Curtin rizes sloly—big bolona sarsage on a tabel—bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark—band plays "Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in—cat's tail begins tew swell bad—bolona sarsage and cat haz a fite— tha fite 14 rounds—the stage iz covered with cats and dorgs. Konlusion—tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the foot lights—an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300, 000 more"—band plays "Go in Lemons!"—a bell rings, and the curtin drops. Ack number 4.—A scene on the Eri kanall—a terribel storm rages—the kanall acks bad—sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their boarders on board—kant make a lee shore—tha drag their ankers—sum ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at swareing—the water iz strewd with pots and kittles—sevral ov the cook maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth—tha hav tew draw oph the kanal tew stop the storm. Konlusion—men are seen along on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels—band plays "a life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and the awjence disperce, single file. Josh Billings' advice Josh Billings' advice. and Answers to Correspondents.—See pages 19, 20. VI. FEMALE EDDIKASHUN. Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings, (more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman. I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided the woman hankers for it, but if she don't hanker for it, i kant see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart. I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale.—Suppose you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams. I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or enny other man in a stump speech or a lektur on veteranara praktiss. If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte; and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10 ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu be looked up tu in silent aw. If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail- claid devils. Mi christian friends, ajew! VII. DEPOZETIONS. Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows. That, John Brown haz halted a fu days for refreshment. That, moste men had ruther sa a smart thing than tew dew a good one. That, baksliding iz a big thing, espeshila on ice. That, a live traitor smells wuss than a ded one. That, there iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins. That, yu kant judge a man bi hiz religgun eny more than yu kan judge hiz shurt bi the size ov the collar and ristbands. That, the devil iz alwus prepared tew see kompany. That, it iz treating a man like a dog tew cut him oph short in hiz narrative. That, "ignoranse iz bliss," ignoranse of sawing wood, for instanse. That, menny will fale tew be saved simpla bekause tha haint got ennything tew saive. That, the vartues ov woman are awl her own, but her frailities hav bin taught her. That, dry pastors are the best for flocks; flocks ov sheep i mean. That, men ov genius are like eagles, tha live on what tha kill, while men ov talents are like crows, tha live on what haz bin killed for them. That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what's the matter ov them. That, a woman kant keep a sekret nor let ennybody else keep one. That, "a little larning iz a dangerous thing"; this iz az tru az it iz common. That, sider brandee taken inwardly in large quantitys iz good—for a rat hole. That, a grate menny folks have bin eddikated oph from their feet. VIII. WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES. "A suckcessful Rade,"—cutting oph a turnpike within the enama's lines, and bringing in a blind mule, and 2 niggers tu board. "Reserv'd Korps,"—this i take it means our ophisers; who die at the tavern stands, and are stuffed, and cent home tu berry. "Bace of supplize,"—Unkle Samuel's pocket-Book. "Pickitts,"—these are surplus chaps, who ar cent out tu borry turbacker, and to see if the kussed rebels hav got enny pass. "An Armstise,"—giving the enema tu chances tu git licked instead ov one. "Militara Stratergee,"—trying to reduse a swamp by ketching the bilyus fever out ov it. "Lite Hoss Calvary,"—picked men who ride the hosses tu drink, when tha git thin. "Rekrutin Ophisers,"—individuals who are cent into the rural destriks, on a furlong, to rekrute—themselfs. "Armee Rashuns,"—back pay, and preserved beef! "Quartring on the enemee,"—this phraze is defunkted, bekaze its contraree tu Hoyle. "War Hoops,"—jist the things fur a hot da, the injuns used tu hav them. "Corte Marshall,"—where tha tri the misdemeners out ov an ophiser, so that he'll du to promoat. "Forage Partee,"—Them who goes out to kech a hastack, and gits lost in a forage ov treeze and haint been herd from sinse. "On tu Richmond,"—that's tu sa if the kussed rebels will allow it. "Parralel lines,"—are them kind of lines that never cum together. "Militara necessita,"—ten ophisers and a gallon ov whiski to every three privates. "Onluce the dogs ov war;"—but muzzle the darn kritters; if you don't, somebody will get hurt. "War of Exterminashun,"—this fraze belongs holey tu the Kommissara Department. "Advance Gard,"—this is a gard tha hav tu hav in our army tu keep our fellers from pichin in tu the enema frontwards. "Rere Gard,"—this is a gard that hav tu keep our fellers, when tha are surrounded from pitching intu the enema backwards. "Awl quiet on the Potermuck,"—this shows what perfect subjekshun our fellers are under. IX PASHUNCE OV JOB. Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!" If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job! X. FRIENDLY LETTER. Friend Elias:—You ask me menny questions about the draft that bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts, for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever. Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov voting the democratic ticket. Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the widder's husband haz alreddy sarved 2 years in the war, and iz willing tu go agin, i beleave the supreme corte haz desided this thing forever. Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom into it. Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose; also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general. Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than 3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns. Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov this laste, blessed privlege. XI. AFFURISMS. Truth iz the onla thing I kno ov that kant be improved upon. If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield for the seed, sow wilde oats. An insult tew one man iz an insult tew aul men. Cunning is curiosity satisfied, and curiosity satisfied iz wisdom. Wize men don't expeck tu do away with the visisitudes ov life, they onla expeck tew blunt the edge ov them. Yu kan gorge avaris, but ambishun knows no gorge but the grave. A sarkastic wit iz a kind ov human pole-cat. If thare is enny thing on this arth that angels kant imitate 'tis a vartuous yung man trampling temtashun under hiz feet. I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men's sekrets. Fame iz jist about az mutch use tew a ded man as 5.20's wud be, interest payable in goold. Sum people hav the power ov saing a good deal in a fu words, while others hav the power ov saing a little in a good menny wurds. Slander iz played on a tin horn, while truth steals forth like the dieing song ov a lute. Yu kan judge ov sum men's karakters onla bi what they eat and drink. "Truth iz stranger than ficshun"—that iz tew sum folks. I hav found a grate menny things in this wurld that waz free—free az a well tew git into, but like a rat trap, not edzackly free tu git out ov. "Meet me bi moonlite alone," iz awl well enuff under sum circumstances; but moonlite me for meat alone, iz not so well ennuff, under enny circumstances. I don't kno ov but one thing on arth that kan improve a good wife, and that iz buty. After you hav made up yure mind jist what you are going to du, then iz a good time tew dew it. We often hear ov men, who hav cum within an inch ov dieing, and i haint enny dout thare iz sum, that evry boddy wuld lik tew hear had cum within an inch ov bein born. "The lapse ov ages," iz a pleasant thing tew dwell upon, but after awl, verry mutch depends upon the ages ov the laps. It iz not differkult tew find augers that wont bore, but yu seldom cum across a bore that wont auger. "Faith that iz founded on an arnest and truthful convickshun, iz butiful tu behold; but faith that iz founded simpla on courage, aint enny thing more than good grit." Josh Billings on Cats Josh Billings on Cats.—See page 40. XII. JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS. I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry. It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very fond ov cats, for the reason i suppose that cats never marry if tha hav ever so good a chanse. Thare iz one thing about cats i dont like, if yu step on their tales by acksident tha git mad rite oph, and make a grate fuss about it. Thare iz anuther thing about them which makes them a good investment for poor folks. A pair ov cats will yield each year, without any outlay, something like eight hundred per cat. It iz a verry singular fack that cats dont like a mill-pond, i never knu one tew git drowned bi acksident. Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be agin their religgun tew tutch soap. Cats and dogs have never bin able tew agree on the main question, tha both seem tew want the affirmatiff side to onst. I think if i could hav mi way thare wouldn't be enny more cats born unless tha could sho a certifikate ov good moral karakter. Thare is one more thing about cats which seems tew me tew be awl affektashun, and that iz making sich a devlish noise under a fellers window nights, and then kall it musik. If i waz tew hav mi choise between a cat and a striped snake, i would take the snake bekause I could git rid ov the snake bi letting him go. Thare aint no sartin wa tew kill a cat, if yu git one wurked up into sassage, and yu think yu are awl right, jist az likely az not tha will cum to and take off a whole lot of good sassage with them.—Theze are mi views about cats, rather hastily hove together, and if i haint said enuff agin them it iz onla bekause i lack the informashun. XIII. REMARKS. Impudense iz the affek ov tew little knollege, and modesta, iz az often the affek ov tew mutch. We dont question a persons rite tew be a fule, but if he klaims wisdom, we kompare it with our own. Not one man in a thousand iz known while living, yet awl expeck tew be well remembered, when tha are ded. Men are very often ashamed tu tell the truth, bekause tha dont kno how. Moste ov the advise we reseave from others, iz not so mutch an evidense ov their affeckshun for us, az it iz an evidense ov their affeckshun for themselves. Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life, yet we all waste more time than we uze. Aboutaz good a wa az enny tew be happee, iz tew pity thoze who are below us, and forgit that there iz enny boddy above us. Wit iz a pleasant surprize ov Truth. No man haz a rite tu be proud till he bekums entirely vartuous, and then he wont feel like being proud. The power ov oratory lays more in the manner, than in the matter; yu kant reduse it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov lightning on a hand organ. Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold ov, jist so sum folks will du when tha argy. Epitaff—here lies John Ferguson, Esq., died wurth half a million—less the kingdom ov heaven. Avaris eats up all the good things in a man, and then feeds on his vices. XIV. JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY." Feller Sisters:—When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness. Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final reward. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then a bogus heathin. Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the "Femail Billingsville Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession. I bid yu tenderla ajew. XV. NOSHUNS. Yankee Noshuns. In gazeing at the different kind ov noshuns that prevale jist now, we are struck with the vitality, and permiskuousness, ov the Yankee noshuns. These are a kind ov noshuns that reside in Nu England, but travel awl over the world. They are for the present known az the lead gimblet, the basswood sperm-kandle, and the sole leather juise harp noshun, relieved at times, by the hickory lossenge, the charkole led pensil, and the lard bears ile noshun, and okasionally interlined, tew keep up the appetite, with paper razor straps, plaster-paris sheep shears, and the sour milk opedeldock noshun, which iz warranted tew kure the attack ov a 50 cent shinplaster, in 4 seckunds; to which has lately bin added pewter jak knives, with pork rhine handles, and itch intement, made out ov strong butter, and lamblak. Yankee noshuns are the affek ov tew mutch genius. Hoss Noshuns. It iz really curis how folks differ in their noshuns about hosses, sum wants a bob-tailed hoss, and sum dont, sum wants a bay, and sum wants a yaller, and sum wants any culler so bad that they hav tew be sent tew state prizon, tew be healed ov their pashion for the nobel animal, the hoss. I knu ov one old feller who waz very noshunal, he wouldn't hav a hoss only jist so high, he never stabled him, and let him git hiz own fodder, he kept him for 47 years, and the hoss outlived him, the last time I saw the hoss he waz alive, but poor az wood; the old feller called the hoss "saw-buck," and sed he waz sired bi carpenter, out ov a white ash skantling. Hoss noshuns are well enuff, but they never ought tew be allowed tew interfere with a man's final salvashun. Rum Noshuns. Josh Billings on trotting horses Josh Billings on trotting horses.—See page 63. Perhaps thare iz no subjek that moste men agree on so well bi the gallon, but when it comes down tew a drink, that they are so full ov noshuns about, az their rum. I hav seen lots ov old-fashioned people, who never thought ov drinking tanzy, unless they put rum into it, and wouldn't no more drink a gin-coktale without nutmeg on the top ov it, than they would skim milk. Then agin their iz sum who must hav Jamaka, or the bronkeetis, one, or tuther; and sum who must hav the belly-ake 3 or 4 times a day, or they kant relish brandee and sugar. But thare waz one beardless boy, over whose hed skase 14 summers had melted, who beats them awl, he aktually hove a fust class mint julek away, and called for anuther, jist bekause it wouldn't suk fast enuff, through the straw; I call this letting a man's good sense git the better ov his judgment. Rum noshuns are like gitting struk with litening, the theory iz well enuff, but the praktis is a bad one tew git into. Religious Creed Noshuns. The idee that thare iz onla one way tew git tew Heaven iz awl rong, but the idee that there iz but one Heaven tew git tew, iz awl right. Az a gineral thing nations go tew war for the most ornary things, so men will fite the wust kind, for a religious noshun, that they hain't got the fust smell of. I dont care, for mi part, whether a man iz a piscopaleyen, or a soft shell baptiss, nor I don't think the Lord duz nuther. Religious creed noshuns for man, are like the scent the foxes leave for the hounds, the less thare iz ov it, the more kerful the dorg hunts, and the less likely he iz tew take enny uther trak. XVI. SAYINS. If yu hav got a real good wife, kepe perfectly still, and thank God evry twenty minnitts for it. A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun. "Honesta is the best polisy," but dont take mi wurd for it, tri it. Menny a book has bin writ, which proved tu be an obituara notis ov the author. Tha tells us "that munny is the rute ov all evil;" and then tell us "tu rute hog or di." A man running for offiss puts me in minde ov a dog that's lost—he smells ov everybody he meets, and wags hisself all over. Look out, galls! the Jack of hartes is alwus a nave. Gravity is very often mistakin for wisdum, but thare is as much differ as thare is between a gide board and the man who maid it. Evra man has a goose that lays golden eggs, if he only nu it. XVII. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. "Lines tu a sleeping infant, bi Alice," receaved. Tha are tender, dredful tender, almost tu tender, tu keep thru this hot spel; yu hav talons ov the highest order, but yu must kross yure t's, or yu kant suckeed in portri; good bi Alice! "Reverie ov a Bachelor," Anonimous.—Received, and kontents noted. Thare iz only one trubble with this produckshun, which time will correckt, and that iz, "it wont du at all for our collums," respekfully declined, (on the part ov the edditurs, by J. B.) on account ov its length and thickness. "The Sea, the roarin Sea."—A sublime standzas, wurth at least 7 dollars, intended, undoubtedly, for The Atlantic Monthly, and cent tu us bi mistake, we wud like tu accept it, but dassent, fur fere folks mite sa we stole it. "Will yu Kiss me Dearest," Bi Mary Ann.—Acksepted. We take all them kind ov chanses. The potri ain't fust rate, but we expect the kissin kan't be beat, till then, fair Maid ajew! "A gealogikal synopsorum ov the heavenly spears," Bi Paul Vernon—Will appere in our nex issu. This writer haz attaked a subjeck ov grate differkilty, with the biggest kind ov energee, and haz suckceeded; his thesis is admirable, hiz argyment iz clus, and his stile is camphene. We sa "Mount Vernon! on eagil wings, beyond the klouds, and paint yure name rite over the top ov the door that leads tu glory, Mount Vernon, mi boy!" We predick grate poplarity for this writer, if he aint kut oph by a frost. "A Prairie on fire," Bi Diogoneze.—Rejeckted to onst. Tu hot for the sezon—cool artikles take the best now. It made me swet tu rede the manuskrip. "Dont despair Diogoneze," if yu find literature aint yure stile, tri sawing wood; iv'e known hundreds ov men make a dust sawing wood, who want worth a cuss tu write for the nusepapirs. "Wait a little longer," Bi Eugene.—This potri wants greasing. Thare aint nothin so eaza tu rite az potri, if yu know how. Our advise tu this author iz tu take pills, and if tha dont release him ov his potri, he kan konklude he haz got the potri dizeaze the natral wa, and iz liable tu brake out at sumtime. In konklusion, Fustly, we would sa tu moste writers, "write often, and publish seldom." Secondly, tu sum writers, "write seldom and publish seldemmer." XVIII. THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH. When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up, and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "an affair ov honnor." When a man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the last steamer, with the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee ov investigashun are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs, and unanimously report "a diskrepansy in hiz akounts." 2 yung men hire a hoss and buggy at a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda. Tha stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest in sum ardent speerits. They stop agin pretty soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits. The more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi a devilish bridge tips them over into a devilish gutter that sumboddy haz left bi the side ov the road, and tha are awl killed, including the hoss and buggy. This is kalled a "Fatal acksident." A man and hiz wife are living in the middle ov joy and consolashun, tha are surrounded on awl sides bi a yung and interesting familee, their bread iz cut thin, and buttered on both sides and the edges, but the destroyer enters the family, the wife wants a nu silk gown, the man sez he "be d—d if she duz," and she "be d—d if she dont." One word brings on another, till tha fite, both ov them lose awl the hair in their heds, and 2 full setts ov false teeth, the thing ends in a divorse, the man runs awa tew Australia bi the overland route, the woman marry's a cirkus rider at 40 Dollars a month, the children are adopted bi sum sunda school, and are brought up on homopathy. This furnishes a collum and a half in the nusepaper, under the hed ov "Disturbanse ov the marrid relation." A youth ov 21 summer begins life with 36 thousand dollars. Sevral fast hosses belong tew him, there iz sevral fast wimmin that he belongs tew, awl the tavern keepers are hiz patrons, faro banks are bilt for hiz amuzement, consolidated lotterys are chartered on purpiss tew make him happee; nothing iz left undun tew make him feel good. He wakes up about the 25th ov next May, without a dollar in hiz pocket, and a host ov warm friends on hiz hands, without enny visible means ov supporting them. He takes an akount ov stock, he buys a pint ov rum and 4 yards ov bed kord, the one makes him limber, while the other makes him stiff. The putty and varnish in this kase iz, "Driven tew desperashun on akount of finanshul preshure." A rale rode trane stands snorting in front ov the depoe, the last bel iz ringing, the kars are full ov souls that belong tew different individuals, the konducktor iz full ov Bourbon, that belongs tew the devil, the engineer labors under an attack ov Jamaka for the broketis, the switchmen likes a leetle good old rye, the kars diskount 45 miles a hour, 2 trains tri tew pass each other on the same track; it kant be did suckcessfully; the mangled and ded are kounted bi skores, a searching investigashun takes plase, the community iz satizfied, bekause it waz, "an unavoidable katastrophe." The Devil furnishes putty and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide the frauds and guilt ov men. Aul ov which iz respekfully committed Bi Josh Billings. XIX. MANIFEST DESTINY. Manifest destiny iz the science ov going tew the devil, or enny other place before yu git thare. I may be rong in this centiment, but that iz the way it strikes me, and i am so put together that when enny thing strikes me i immejiately strike back. Manifest destiny mite perhaps be blocked out agin az the condishun that man and things find themselfs in with a ring in their nozes and sumboddy hold ov the ring. I may be rong agin, but if i am, awl i hav got tew sa iz, i don't kno it, and what a man don't kno ain't no damage tew enny boddy else. The tru way that manifess destiny had better be sot down iz, the exact distance that a frog kan jump down hill with a striped snake after him; i dont kno but i may be wrong onst more, but if the frog don't git ketcthed the destiny iz jist what he iz a looking for. When a man falls into the bottom ov a well and makes up hiz minde tew stay thare, that ain't manifess destiny enny more than having yure hair cut short iz; but if he almoste gits out and then falls down in agin 16 foot deeper and brakes off his neck twice in the same plase and dies and iz buried thare at low water, that iz manifess destiny on the square. Standing behind a bull in fly time and gitting kicked twice at one time, must feel a good deal like manifess destiny. Being about 10 seckunds tew late tew git an express train, and then chasing the train with yure wife, and an umbreller in yure hands, in a hot day, and not getting az near tew the train az you waz when yu started, looks a leetle like manifess destiny on a rale rode trak. Going into a tempranse house and calling for a little old Bourbon on ice, and being told in a mild way that "the Bourbon iz jist out, but they hav got sum gin that cost 72 cents a gallon in Paris," sounds tew me like the manifess destiny ovmoste tempranse houses. Mi dear reader, don't beleave in manifess destiny untill yu see it. Thare iz such a thing az manifess destiny, but when it occurs it iz like the number ov rings on the rakoon's tale, ov no grate consequense onla for ornament. Man wan't made for a machine, if he waz, it waz a locomotiff machine, and manifess destiny must git oph from the trak when the bell rings, or git knocked higher than the price ov gold. Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers, "Dear Sur Yu may be a dam phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste." XX. ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS. Perkins.—I hav red yure peace, on "Wimmins Rites," thru, and thru, and must say that i luv it. In mi opinyun, wimmin haz a rite to tu dew enny thing well, but saw wood; sawin wood, ain't their stile; speshially if the sawbuk iz a high one, it must mortify them the wust wa. Harrold.—Yure genus iz not fully born yet, when it gits awl born, i think yu will be a poeck. Yu hav got imaginashun enuff tew keep a livery stable. Yure landguage iz a leetle too florid; did you ever travel in Florida? Tri agin—I notis one ov yure lines, haz 10 feet into it, and the nex one, haz only got 9 feet, six inches. Sum poiks air born, and sum are manafaktured; the manafaktured ones, are the moste stiddyest, tha aint so ap tew hanker after mint juleps. Yu ought to go up garrett when yu praktis, moste awl good poeckry haz bin rit up garrett. Hard Road.—Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the thing for a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu "Wilkes Spirit," a paper that knows how tu talk hoss. I will merely suggess, that pedigree iz not important for a fast trotting hoss; if he kan trot fast, never minde the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist hold them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the briching brakes. Kuller is no kriterion. I hav seen awful mean hosses, ov awl kullers, excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew an honarabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully prepared for deth. Heathins are alwus kind tew hosses; it iz only among christian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da, for $25,000 in kounterfit munny.