I, PARTRIDGE: WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT ALAN Alan Partridge With Rob Gibbons, Neil Gibbons, Armando Iannucci and Steve Coogan Dedication For Fernando. And Denise. Contents Cover Title Page Dedication Foreword Introducing What Follows Chapter 1. Beginnings Chapter 2. Scouts and Schooling Chapter 3. East Anglia Polytechnic Chapter 4. Carol Chapter 5. Hospital Radio Chapter 6. Local/Commercial Radio Chapter 7. Joining the BBC Chapter 8. A Mighty Big Fish for a Pond This Size Chapter 9. The Move to TV Chapter 10. My Own Show Chapter 11. Radio’s Loss Chapter 12. Glen Ponder, Musician Chapter 13. Lift Off, Show-Wise Chapter 14. The Death of Forbes McAllister Chapter 15. Splitting from Carol Chapter 16. Yule Be Sorry! Chapter 17. Return to Norwich Chapter 18. Linton Travel Tavern Chapter 19. Me v Hayers Chapter 20. Proof That the Public Loved Me Chapter 21. Hayers: Dead Chapter 22. Homeslessnessness Chapter 23. Swallow Chapter 24. Other, Better TV Work Chapter 25. Marching On: Skirmish Chapter 26. My Drink and Drugs Heck Chapter 27. Chin Up Chapter 28. Bouncing Back Chapter 29. Good Grief Chapter 30. Classic House Chapter 31. Forward Solutions™ Chapter 32. North Norfolk Digital Chapter 33. A Sidekick Chapter 34. Hanging Up the Headphones Tracklisting Index Photo Insert Acknowledgements Copyright About the Publisher Foreword ALAN PARTRIDGE IS A DJ who presents Mid-Morning Matters. He is hard-working and enthusiastic, with a broad appeal to our regional listenership. He has worked at the station since 2009 and was previously employed by its sister station Radio Norwich. I have always found Alan to be honest and trustworthy and a relatively good ambassador for the station and for Gordale Media as a whole. Alan is smart, punctual and his attendance record is very good, with an average of 1.5 sick days taken per year of employment. I would have no hesitation in recommending him. Regards, Andy Powell MD, Gordale Media Introducing What Follows Hi, Alan. Tell me – what is this page? It’s the introduction to my book. Written as a short interview with yourself? Yes. That’s brave and unusual. Why? Well, questions and answers are my bread and butter; my meat and drink; my sausage, beans and chips. I’m an accomplished broadcaster, presenter and interviewer. Chat is what I do. You’re not going to write the whole book like this, are you? No. What do you want the book to say? That I am Alan Gordon Partridge, a respected broadcaster, but also so much more than that. Son to a dead father, father to a living son, TV personality, businessman, brand, rambler, writer, thinker, sayer, doer. I think that’s everything.1 And today? Today, I’m the presenter of Mid-Morning Matters, an award-worthy weekday morning-thru-lunchtime radio show on North Norfolk Digital – North Norfolk’s best music mix. In fact, you join me in my studio, as I scribble these opening thoughts in the 3 minutes 36 seconds of downtime I enjoy as a record plays.2 So what can people expect from the book? They can expect quality throughout and excellence in places. These memoirs are a serious, thoughtful and grammatically sound body of work, a welcome antidote to the kind of crank ’em out, pile ’em high shit-lit that passes for most modern autobiographies. Examples? Well, put it this way. In terms of craftsmanship, it’s less Bewes, Madeley, Parsons and more Clancey, Archer, Rushdie. What’s more, it’s accessible enough to capture a market as wide as that of Rowling, Brown, Smith, McNab, Lama3.4 Is there anything in the book that ‘breaks the mould’? Yes, a soundtrack. I spent three days with my ‘iPod’ creating a list of tracks that would provide the perfect mood music to accompany my life. My publishers HarperCollins said that this wasn’t necessary. In fact they specifically told me not to bother, as they weren’t willing to pay for the production or dispatch of a CD and certainly weren’t going to seek clearance from, or pay royalties to, the artists I’d chosen. But they can’t stop me providing you, the reader, with a list of songs plus directions as to where in the book they should be played. You’ll find the tracklist on page 311. My instructions can be found within the text. Please note: the soundtrack is mandatory. What kind of research did the book involve? Content: six consecutive afternoons of remembering. Style: reading ten pages from each of the writers mentioned above. And have you been honest? Searingly honest. Brutally honest. Painfully honest. Needlessly honest. Distressingly honest. HarperCollins asked for full disclosure and that’s what I delivered. I’ve opened myself up (not literally), put my balls on the line (not literally) and written it all down (literally). Having read your book, I see you’ve had your fair share of run-ins. Indeed, Phil Wiley’s behaviour at school and in Scouts seems particularly sickening. Do you agree with those people who say that he’s proven himself to be a pretty scummy human? Phil Wiley. [Chuckles] In all honesty? I don’t give the guy a second thought. I just let bygones be bygones. And what about Nick Peacock and his cowardly refusal to give you the Radio Norwich breakfast show, even though it leaves a sour taste in the mouth of even the most casual observer? That must rankle? Look, Nick did what he did. I’m fairly zen about the whole episode. Given the success of this book, there’ll be a pretty loud clamour for a follow- up. Are you ready for that? I take whatever comes my way. I roll with the punches and I ride the tsunami of life. Does the book have an ISBN number? Yes, I insisted on it. What is it? You’ll find it on the back of the book. But for ease of reference it’s ISBN-10: 0007449178 and ISBN-13: 978-0007449170 Thanks, Alan. Goodbye and God bless.