I Just Lost Myself I JUST LOST MYSELF Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage Valerie Nash Chang Libraryof CongressCataloging-in-PublicationData Chang, Valerie Nash. I just lost myself : psychologicalabuse of women in marriage / Valerie Nash Chang. p. cm. Includesbibliographicalreferencesand index. ISBN 0–275–95209–6 (alk. paper) 1. Wife abuse—UnitedStates. 2. Wifeabuse—UnitedStates— Psychologicalaspects. 3. Women—UnitedStates—Psychology. I. Title. HV6626.22.U6C48 1996 362.82'92—dc20 95–30660 BritishLibrary Cataloguingin PublicationData is available. Copyright(cid:1) 1996 by Valerie Nash Chang All rightsreserved. No portionof this book may be reproduced,by any processor technique,withoutthe express writtenconsentof the publisher. Library of CongressCatalog Card Number:95–30660 ISBN: 0–275–95209–6 First publishedin 1996 Praeger Publishers,88 Post Road West, Westport, CT 06881 An imprintof GreenwoodPublishingGroup, Inc. Printedin the UnitedStatesof America TM The paper used in this book complieswith the PermanentPaper Standardissuedby the National InformationStandardsOrganziation(Z39.48–1984). 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Formyparents, HowardandAvaNash, whoalwaysbelievedIcoulddoit. CONTENTS Acknowledgments ix A Comment on Language xiii Introduction 1 1. The Abuse of Women in Families 11 2. Life before Marriage 19 3. Control and Domination 49 4. Because We Are Women 59 5. Patterns of Abuse 73 6. Becoming His Wife 87 7. Turning Points 97 8. Physical and Emotional Reactions 107 9. Coming Out 117 10. Treatment Recommendations 133 References 149 Index 163 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Thisbookwouldnothavebeenpossiblewithoutthewomenpar- ticipantswhosharedtheirstorieswithme.Iamverygratefulfor the depth and wealth of information they gave me. They are truly remarkable women and I thank each one. This is a study of women, and there is a long list of women to thank. The first influential woman in my life was my mother, anenergetic,enthusiastic,positivepersonwhoknowsshecando whatever she sets her mind to do and expects no less from her daughter. I have also been lucky to know many other powerful, capable women whose lives have affected mine: Jacqui Schiff, EmilyRuppert,PetruskaClarkson,SueFish,MurielJames,Mary EllenFrost,andEleanorTurk,tonameafew.JoyHolthouse,my secretary and good friend for years, typed all the transcripts. Sandy Augustin has been calm, steady, and accepting through all the ups and downs of the past several years. Early in this project, my good friend, Ann Hanson, helped me with typing, cooking, and many other things. My daughter, Amy Hinshaw, not only offeredmanyfinesuggestionsformakingthesummary more easily readable, but also is a model of the new generation of womenwhohighlyvaluetheiruniquenessandmaintaintheir power while establishing close relationships. MaggieBlay,JudyKline,LizaHyatt,CindyRice,NancyWhite, Rose Howard, and Tina Grimberg—the wonderful psychother- apists at the Julian Center—told women about this project and discussed it with me. Margaret Adamek was a great help and x • Acknowledgments supporter of the project; she is a terrific editor who has spent hours carefully reading drafts and asking thought-provoking questions, which invited me to develop my ideas. Eileen Cantin and Yvonne Williams, who have been colleagues for years, sup- ported this project by discussing it with me and telling psycho- logically abused clients about it. Sally Randolph, from the Authors Guild, spent hours teaching me about publishing con- tracts.Myeditor,LizMurphy,andeveryoneatGreenwoodPub- lishinghavebeenhelpfulthroughthecomplexprocessofgetting this book published. And, of course, each of the women I’ve worked with over the years has taught me something and ex- panded my understanding of women today. Ialsowanttoacknowledgethesupportandhelpofmanyfolks from the other gender. Dinner table debates with my father taughtmeanalyticalandcriticalthinking,agiftforwhichIhave oftenbeengrateful.GeorgeZirkleandJackMcCrarywerecollege professors who always seemed to have the right challenge to push me beyond what I thought I could do. Hedges Capers, a clinical supervisor, saw my ability as a psychotherapist and my personal capacity to create a different life story than the one I hadlearned.Mycolleague,JohnRife,carriedatremendouswork load one year so that I could take a one year sabbatical leave to begin the work that led to this project. Norm Denzin supported thisprojectfromthebeginning,oftenprovidingsuggestions,dif- ferent perspectives, and encouragement. Chuck Cowger helped me back when my ideas were only vaguely defined. My col- league, Dale Sauer, referred a woman to the study and loaned me his office to meet with her. Steve Miller’s support included connectingmewithleadersoftwoDivorceRecoverygroups,let- tingmeusespaceinthechurch,andhavingfaiththattheproject was important and could be accomplished by me. My dear friend,StanStackhouse,proofreadeverychapterandwaspatient andacceptingduringlongperiodswhenallmyenergywentinto this project. My son and son-in-law, Jeff Chang and James Hin- shaw, offer hope that young men want equal relationships with womentheyrespect.Thesupportandideasofeachofthesewon- derful people has been very important to me in my life andcrit- ical to the completion of this project. There are also many people at Indiana Universitywhohelped