1 Chapter Title Here Please I CAN READ YOU LIKE A BOOK how to spot the messages and emotions people are really sending with their body language Gregory Hartley and Maryann Karinch authors of How to Spot a Liar Franklin Lakes, NJ I Can Read You Like a Book 2 Copyright © 2007 by Gregory Hartley and Maryann Karinch All rights reserved under the Pan-American and International Copy- right Conventions. This book may not be reproduced, in whole or in part, in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system now known or hereafter invented, without written permission from the publisher, The Career Press. I CAN READ YOU LIKE A BOOK EDITED AND TYPESET BY GINA TALUCCI Printed in the U.S.A. by Book-mart Press To order this title, please call toll-free 1-800-CAREER-1 (NJ and Canada: 201-848-0310) to order using VISA or MasterCard, or for further information on books from Career Press. The Career Press, Inc., 3 Tice Road, PO Box 687, Franklin Lakes, NJ 07417 www.careerpress.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Hartley, Gregory. I can read you like a book : how to spot the messages and emotions people are really sending with their body language / by Gregory Hartley and Maryann Karinch. p. cm. Includes Index. ISBN-13: 978-156414-941-1 ISBN-10: 1-56414-941-2 1. Body language. 2. Interpersonal communication. 3. Nonverbal communication. I. Karinch, Maryann. II. Title. BF637.N66H38 2007 153.6’9--dc22 2006038158 3 Chapter Title Here Please D E D I C A T I O N To my mom and dad, and Betty and Marlin Hartley, for sacrificing so that I could do and become things they could never imagine. —Greg To Jim, Mom, and Karl, for your unwavering support and energetic love. —Maryann This page intentionally left blank 5 Chapter Title Here Please A C K N O W L E D G M E N T S Thank you to Jim McCormick for giving me loving sup- port, despite my ridiculous schedule, and for providing keen insights along the way. As always, I want to thank my mother and brother, Karl, for being ready with encouraging words. I am also grateful for the enthusiasm and support we have received from the Career Press team, specifically, Ron Fry, Michael Pye, Kristen Parkes, Laurie Kelly-Pye, Gina Talucci and Linda Rienecker. Also, my dear friends whose good thinking and professions enable them to offer me practical guidance, especially Patti Mengers and David Kozinski. Thank you, too, Scott and Eliza Ferzeley, for allowing us to use a picture of your smiling son, Caden, in the book. And to our talented model, Kurtis Kelly. I also want to acknowl- edge the experts whose research and writings helped provide deeper understanding of some of the key issues I Can Read You Like a Book 6 covered in the book, particularly Candace Gordon and Dr. Louann Brizendine. And thank you, Greg, for being such a fun and enlightening partner! —Maryann Karinch First and foremost, thanks to the volunteers who defend our coun- try in time of war for too little pay and uncertain futures. May we tread carefully when criticizing national policy lest we injure one of these heroes. This book would not exist if not for Michael Dobson, who encouraged me to share my thoughts with you and introduced me to Maryann. This book could not happen without all the support Dina gives me. Jeffrey has changed the way I see the world and myself and for that I am grateful. Rick Croley expands my mind by challenging me to think in new ways about old topics through wonder- ful conversation. Thank you to Jim McCormick for insight, cama- raderie, and support. Maryann, this book has been a pleasure to create thanks to you. —Greg Hartley 7 Contents C O N T E N T S Introduction: Why You Need This Book 9 Part I: Body Language Basics Chapter 1: The Steps to Reading Body Language 17 Chapter 2: Culture: The Big External Influence 37 Part II: Learn to R.E.A.D. (Review Evaluate Analyze Decide) Chapter 3: Review From Scalp to Soles: R in R.E.A.D. 65 Chapter 4: Gesturing, With or Without Intent 115 Chapter 5: The Holistic View: E in R.E.A.D. 127 Chapter 6: Filters: Sex and Other Misconceptions 163 Chapter 7: Making It Personal: A in R.E.A.D. 187 I Can Read You Like a Book 8 Part III: Applying the Skill Chapter 8: Politicians, Pundits, and Stars: D in R.E.A.D. 209 Chapter 9: The Man in the Street 231 Chapter 10: Using Body Language to Your Advantage in Business 247 Chapter 11: Using Body Language in Your Personal Life 261 Part IV: Conclusion Chapter 12: Using R.E.A.D. 273 Glossary 277 Index 279 About the Authors 285 9 Introduction I N T R O D U C T I O N 9 Why You Need This Book Do you want to: ƒ Know the early warning signs of rage? ƒ Elect people who really know what they’re talking about? ƒ Establish rapport quickly with customers? ƒ Contribute juicy insights to discussions about your favorite celebrities? ƒ Recognize love at first sight? ƒ Become the salesperson everyone wants to talk to? ƒ Be the actor who nails every scene, and always gets the call back? I Can Read You Like a Book 10 This book will satisfy desires similar to those listed while I give you a step-by-step guide to reading body language and using it to affect emotions, including your own and other people’s. Have you ever walked into a room and had someone greet you in a personal way, but you didn’t recognize her? Instantly, no matter how well your voice mimics familiarity, that individual knows you have no idea who she is. Not a great way to start a meeting, wed- ding reception, or a class reunion. If you knew little about body language, you could easily convince her that you did recognize her. If you knew a little more, you could put her at ease so quickly that she would tell you about herself, giving you distinct advantages in whatever conversation or negotiations ensued. Turn the tables: She does not know who you are, but uses the fact that most people cannot admit memory lapse to get closer to you. Most people who are good at reading body language can’t tell you how they do it. They have not codified their instinctive ability, so the skills are not transferable. My edge over other interrogators, and the reason I was eventually hired to train them, has always been understanding why certain techniques work and, being able to replicate the effect. It’s a sense of causality between action and reaction. You will not find my approach to the subject of body language, or even much of the vocabulary I use, in psychology textbooks. My academic background is not what shaped my expertise. It’s my experience in the field of battle, in conducting countless training 11 Introduction exercises at the SERE (Survival Evasion Resistance Escape) school, in business negotiations, in conducting interviews of executive candidates for corporations. In other words, real life; not the lab. Nevertheless, my approach in the way I go about integrating new knowledge and refining my techniques is scientific. If you have this kind of methodical approach to reading body language, you can also develop the ability to use it in reverse. You can control your shadowy memory of body language to influence another person’s behavior. As an interrogator, I get what I want by manipulating body language and emotions together, both mine and the other person’s. This is the crux of what interrogators do. With the kind of skills I have in reading and using body lan- guage, though, I sometimes daydream about other work I might do. Right now, it’s summer, and I was thinking I might have a second career as a spy for a baseball team because pitchers’ movements often bleed so much information. Pulling ears may be a deliberate signal to the catcher, but other body language rituals can tell you about the degree of confidence or stress, uncertainty about whether or not the type of pitch is the right pitch, and even residual embarrassment from the last bad pitch. Or maybe I’ll grow up to be a negotiator in big business, for management or labor. Humans project what we are thinking, tele- graphing the next move, and that allows me to manipulate the train of thought. I Can Read You Like a Book 12 Or maybe I’ll get a more glamorous job, such as becoming the body language coach for the latest crime show. When you get the skills, what are you going to do with them? — Greg Hartley 13 Introduction Flow of the Book All Communication Human Communication Group Communication Individual Communication (General) Individual Individuals Person-to-Person Group You learn to apply skill You have the knowledge to read body language You learn to apply the skill to yourself: Extreme self-control This page intentionally left blank