The Project Gutenberg EBook of Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May, by Phil May This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license Title: Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May Author: Phil May Release Date: August 18, 2020 [EBook #62969] [Last updated: August 27, 2020] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL: PHIL MAY *** Produced by Chuck Greif (This file was produced from images available at The Internet Archive) HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL PHIL MAY [Image unavailable.] LONDON: “PUNCH” OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C. PHIL MAY—By Himself. Reproduced from “The History of Punch” by the kind permission of Mr. H. H. Spielmann, the owner of the original drawings. [Image unavailable.] “AND SHE OUGHT TO KNOW!” “That’s supposed to be a Portograph of Lady Solsbary. But, bless yer, it ain’t like her a bit in Private!” PREACHING AND PRACTISING. Lady Bountiful (to old Parishioner). “I hope you like our New Clergyman’s Sermons, Mrs. Brown?” Mrs. Brown: “Oh yes, my Lady, he do Preach quite beautiful; but then, you see, he don’t Practise. So when my poor old Man be troubled with the Rheumatics, I have to send for the Doctor in the Village, and it do come so very expensive!” “PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER.” “All right, Sir! My fault!” FOGGY WEATHER. “Has Mr. Smith been here?” “Yes; he was here about an hour ago.” “Was I with him?” “Penny ’Addick.” “Finen?” “No; thick ’un!” A NEGLECTED INDUSTRY. “’Ow are yer gettin’ on, Bill?” “Ain’t gettin’ on at all. I’m beginnin’ to think as the Publick doesn’t know what they wants!” [Image unavailable.] BLASÉ Kitty (reading a fairy tale). “‘Once upon a time there was a frog——’ ” Mabel (interrupting). “I bet it’s a Princess! Go on!” [Image unavailable.] CRUEL! Lucullus Brown (on hospitable purpose intent). “Are you Dining anywhere to- morrow night?” Jones (not liking to absolutely “give himself away”). “Let me see”— (considers)—“No; I’m not Dining anywhere to-morrow.” Lucullus Brown (seeing through the artifice). “Um! Poor chap! How Hungry you will be!” [“Exeunt,—severally.” “THE COW WAS THE STAMP TO IMPRESS SUPERIOR BUTTER.” “’Arf a pound er Margarine, please; an’ Mother says will yer put the Cow on it cos she’s got Company!” Q. E. D. “Wha’s up wi’ Sal?” “Ain’t yer ’erd? She’s Married agin!” [Image unavailable.] OF VITAL IMPORTANCE. “Hi, Billie! ’Ere’s Cheap Gloves!” AN IMPORTANT ’JUNCTION. “You mind your Fader gets my Boots reddy by Four o’clock, ’cos I’m goin’ to a Party!” AN INFORMAL INTRODUCTION. ’Arry (shouting across the street to his “Pal”) “Hi! Bill! This is ’er!” POLITICS AND GALLANTRY. First ’Arry: “Hay, wot’s this ’ere Rosebery a torkin’ abaat? Bless’d if he ain’t a goin’ to do awy with the Lords!” Second ’Arry: (more of a Don Juan than a Politician). “Do awy with the ’ole bloomin’ lot o’ Lords, if he likes, as long as he don’t do awy with the Lidies!” THE PLUNGER. First Boy (much interested in the game of Buttons). “’As ’e lost?” Second Ditto. “Yes; ’e lost all them Buttons what ’e won off Tommy Crowther yesterday, an’ then ’e cut all the Buttons off ’is Clothes, and ’e’s lost them too!” Superior ’Arry. “Cabbie! To the—aw—the Prince of Wales’s.” Cabbie-“Marlbro’ ’Ouse, my Lord?” [Image unavailable.] THE GENIAL SEASON. Hungry-looking Acquaintance (with eye to invitation). “So glad to see you enjoying yourself!” Fat Chap (evidently doing well). “Wrong again, old Man. I’m enjoying my Dinner!” [Image unavailable.] “Look what I’ve bought you for a Christmas Box!” [Image unavailable.] PAST AND PRESENT. Serious and much-Married Man. “My dear Friend, I was astonished to hear of your dining at Madame Troisétoiles!—a ‘Woman with a Past’ you know!” The Friend (Bachelor “unattached”). “Well, you see, old Man, she’s got a first- rate Chef, so it isn’t her ‘Past’ but her ‘Re-past’ that I care about.” Editor of Libellous Rag (who has just received a terrific but well-deserved kick). “Dud you man thot?” Colonel McMurder. “Yis, oi dud, you thunderin’ villain!” Editor. “Oh, very well, thot’s all roight. Oi t’ought it moight av been wan o’ thim prac-ta-cle jokes”! [Image unavailable.] “Hi, Billy! are yer Movin’?” SO LIKELY! Scene—Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room. Barmaid. “Tea, Sir?” Mr. Boozy. “Tea!!! ME!!!!” BOTANY; OR, A DAY IN THE COUNTRY. “Say, Billee, shall we gaver Mushrooms?” “Yus. I’m a Beggar to Climb!” [Image unavailable.] First Boy. “Give us a Bite of your Apple, Bob.” Second Boy. “Shan’t.” First Boy. “What for?” Second Boy. “’Cos yer axed me!” (After a pause.) Small Boy. “Gi’ me a Bite, Bob. I never axed yer!” A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT. MAY 1. THE SWEEPS’ FESTIVAL. A Study in Black and White. ⁂ Nice for Next Fare. [Image unavailable.] New Assistant (after hair-cutting, to Jones, who has been away for a couple of weeks). “Your ’Air is very thin be’ind, Sir. Try Singeing!” Jones (after a pause). “Yes, I think I will.” N.A. (after singeing). “Shampoo, Sir? Good for the ’Air, Sir.” Jones. “Thank you. Yes.” N.A. “Your Moustaches curled?” Jones. “Please.” N.A. “May I give you a Friction?” Jones. “Thank you.” N.A. “Will you try some of our——” Manager (who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper). “You Idiot! He’s a Subscriber!!” Youngster (who has just had a Penny given to him). “’Ow much is them Grapes, Mister?” Shopkeeper (amused). “They are Four Shillings and Sixpence a Pound, my Lad.” Youngster. “Well, then, give us a ’A’porth o’ Carrots. I’m a Demon for Fruit!” [Image unavailable.] Ragged Urchin (who has just picked up very short and dirty end of a Cigarette). “Hi, Billy! Look ’ere! See what you’ve missed!” [Image unavailable.] “Perfeck Lidy” (who has just been ejected). “Well, next time I goes into a Publickouse, I’ll go somewhere where I’ll be respected!”