How to Instantly Connect with Anyone LEIL LOWNDES New York Chicago San Francisco Lisbon London Madrid Mexico City Milan New Delhi San Juan Seoul Singapore Sydney Toronto Copyright © 2009 by Leil Lowndes. All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. ISBN: 978-0-07-154586-0 MHID: 0-07-154586-7 The material in this eBook also appears in the print version of this title: ISBN: 978-0-07-154585-3, MHID: 0-07-154585-9. All trademarks are trademarks of their respective owners. Rather than put a trademark symbol after every occurrence of a trademarked name, we use names in an editorial fashion only, and to the benefit of the trademark owner, with no intention of infringement of the trademark. 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Contents Introduction: What Determines Social and Professional Success? . . . . . . . . . . . . .ix Part One: Seven Little Tricks to Make a Great Impression BEFORE People Even Meet You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 How to Develop Excellent Eye Contact in Ten Easy Steps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .3 How to Use Your Eyes to Make People Crave Your Approval . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 How to Wear Confi dence When Meeting People . . . . . . .10 How to Make People Appreciate Your Introduction . . . . .15 How to Get Th em “Dying to Meet You” . . . . . . . . . . . . .18 How to Make Everyone Anxious to Hear Your Opinion. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Part Two: Eleven Little Tricks to Take the “Hell” Out of “Hello” and Put the “Good” in “Good-Bye”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29 How to Have a One-of-a-Kind, Noticeably Outstanding Handshake. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31 iii iv Contents How to Exchange Business Cards with Class. . . . . . . . . 33 How to Be a Successful Networking Conversationalist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 How to Give—or Avoid—Social Hugs . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39 How to Detect if Someone’s Hug Is Fake. . . . . . . . . . . . 42 How to Show You Like Someone Without Being Forward. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46 How to Play It Cool or Play It Hot in Business and Love . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49 How to Say Hello to Prestigious People . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53 How to Meet the People You Want . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 How to Make a Great Last Impression. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58 Part Three: Twelve Little Tricks to Develop an Extraordinary Gift of Gab . . . . . . . . . 63 How to Get Lively Conversation Going with People You’ve Just Met . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .65 How to Start a Friendship with Complete Strangers. . . . .71 How to Never Hesitate Starting or Joining a Conversation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77 How to Make Your Point When You Keep Getting Interrupted. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80 How to Make Friends with Th ose Who Don’t Speak Your Native Language. . . . . . . . . . 83 How to Tailor Your Talk to Your Listener(s). . . . . . . . . . 85 How to Talk to Less Advantaged People . . . . . . . . . . . . 87 How to Save Someone from “Dying of Embarrassment”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90 How to Smoothly Change the Subject. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 93 Contents v How to Know When to Never Change the Subject. . . . . 96 How to Not Give the Same Answer Twice. . . . . . . . . . . 99 Part Four: Ten Little Tricks to Actually ENJOY Parties!. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103 How to Make Friends at a Big Party . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .105 How to Meet the People You Want in an Unusual Way. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .110 How to Never Look Lost and Lonely at a Gathering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .112 How to Ask Great Conversation-Starter Questions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .115 How to Save Face When You’ve Forgotten a Name . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .117 How to Hide the Fact Th at You Haven’t a Clue What Th ey’re Talking About. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .122 How to Get away from Nonstop Talkers . . . . . . . . . . . .125 How to Deal with VIPs at Social Events . . . . . . . . . . . 128 Part Five: Five Little Tricks to Handle Invitations: The Good, the Bad, and the Bummers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133 How to Increase the Chances of Someone Saying “Yes” to Your Invitation. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .135 How to Turn Someone Down While Retaining His or Her Aff ection. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .137 How to Handle an Unavoidable Bummer . . . . . . . . . . .141 How to Prevent People Wishing Th ey’d Never Invited You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .145 How to Impress Guests. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .148 vi Contents Part Six: Thirteen Little Tricks to Be a Cool Communicator. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151 How to Play It Cool When You’re Late . . . . . . . . . . . . .153 How to Come Out Smelling like a Rose When You’re as Guilty as Heck. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .156 How to Come Across as Dependable and Competent . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .161 How to Talk Behind People’s Backs so Th ey Love It. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .165 How to Make Everyone Comfortable Speaking with You. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .167 How to Make People Look Up to You. . . . . . . . . . . . . .172 How to Exude a More Authoritative Air . . . . . . . . . . . .177 How to Make Your Signature 21 Percent More Prestigious . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .179 How to Laugh Your Way to Being Respected. . . . . . . . .181 How to Escape Bores Without Hurting Th eir Feelings. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .185 How to Read People’s Minds. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .188 Part Seven: Twelve Little Tricks to Avoid the Thirteen Most Common Dumb Things You Should NEVER Say or Do. . . . . . . . . 193 How to Avoid People Th inking You Have No Status at Your Job. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .195 How to Avoid Sounding like Someone Else Rules Your Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .198 How to Avoid People Saying “Get a Life!” . . . . . . . . . . .201 How to Know When Not to Be Friendly . . . . . . . . . . 205 How to Avoid Sounding Dishonest . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 209 How to Avoid Sounding Immature . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .213 Contents vii How to Avoid Big Cats Considering You Commonplace. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .216 How to Avoid Common Dumb Phrases People Say All the Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220 How to Avoid Alienating Friends When Traveling . . . . 223 How to Avoid a Common Holiday Custom Th at Makes You Look like a Little Puss to Big Cats . . . . . 225 Part Eight: Eleven Little Tricks to Give Your E-Mail Today’s Personality and Tomorrow’s Professionalism. . . . . . . . 227 How to Prove You Are Special When You Are Out of the Offi ce . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 229 How to Make People Smile When Th ey See Your Message. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 233 How to Make Your E-Mail Sound Confi dent. . . . . . . . 238 How to Avoid Sounding Egotistical in Your E-Mail. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 240 How to Sound like You Have a Crystal Ball. . . . . . . . . 244 How to Avoid Making People Th ink You’re Goofi ng Off at Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .249 How to Avoid E-Mail Humiliation—or Worse! . . . . . . .252 How to Sign Your Messages in the New Millennium . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .257 Part Nine: Ten Little Tricks to Make a Big Impression on Your Cell (a.k.a. “Phone”) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261 How to Know When to E-Mail, When to Phone . . . . . 263 How to Boost Th eir Self-Esteem with Your Cell Phone. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 266 viii Contents How to Deal with a Caller When You Don’t Know Who the Heck It Is. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .270 How to Get Rid of “Talk Your Ear Off ” People . . . . . . .272 How to Please Th em by Hanging Up on Th em. . . . . . . .274 How to Sound Cool Giving Your Phone Number. . . . . .276 How to Impress Th em with Your Voice Mail Message . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .279 How to Make Your Phone Voice “Music to Th eir Ears”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 282 How the Phone Can Reveal Who the Boss Is in a Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 285 Part Ten: Five Little Tricks to Deepen the Relationships You Already Have. . . . . . 289 How to Win Th eir Hearts—a Year Later! . . . . . . . . . . .291 How to Make Th em Always Remember Your “Th ank You” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 294 How to Give Th em Compliments Th ey’ll Never Forget . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 296 How to Enhance Your Relationship with Your Partner. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 299 How to React When Your Partner Calls You the Wrong Name . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 302 A Final Visit to the Laboratory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 306 Bibliography. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .312 Introduction What Determines Social and Professional Success? For all the hair styling, shoe shining, suit buying, and person- ality projecting we do, we never really know why some people succeed in life and others don’t. Some highly successful and beloved people are shy. Others are boisterous. Some big winners in life are sophisticated. Others are simple. Many introverts are esteemed, while some extroverts are shunned. And, unless you are auditioning to host the Academy Awards, your personality and looks are not the keys to becoming beloved and successful in life. So what is the key? Will this book help you fi nd out? Let me tell you what this book will do—and what it will not do—and then you decide. I do not guarantee you will soon be chatting comfortably with a commodities broker about crude oil futures. Nor do I assure deep discourse with a doctor of philosophy on his dissertation. What I do pledge, however, is that you will be able to meet people confi dently, converse comfortably, and quickly connect with everyone you encounter. You have probably already discovered the invisible personal and professional glass ceiling constructed solidly over your ix