How to Change Your Thinking about Anger How to Change Your Thinking about Anger A Hazelden Quick Guide Hazelden Center City, Minnesota 55012 hazelden.org © 2012 by Hazelden Foundation All rights reserved. Published 2012 Produced in the United States of America No part of this electronic publication may be copied, sold, or redistributed in any form or by any means without written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement. E-book ISBN: 978-1-61649-432-2 Editor’s note The names, details, and circumstances may have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this publication. This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals. Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Cover design by Theresa Jaeger Gedig About Hazelden Quick Guides Hazelden Quick Guides are short, accessible e-books that draw on the original work and best practices of leading experts to help readers address common addiction recovery and emotional health issues. This first four-book collection applies the proven methods of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) to challenge and change the irrational thoughts and beliefs that contribute to the debilitating effects of shame, anger, depression, and anxiety. Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things. —Epictetus Contents Getting the Most from This Book Getting Past Myths about Anger Myth: Anger Is Bad Myth: Anger Is Useless Myth: Other People Make Us Feel Angry Myth: Anger Will Build Up until We “Boil Over” if We Don’t Release It Myth: Sometimes We Just Can’t Control Anger Myth: Anger Is a Men’s Issue The Anger Cycle Steps in the Anger Cycle How Unhealthy Anger Differs from Healthy Anger Distortions in Thinking Distortions in Physical Sensation Distortions in Behavior The Cycle of Unhealthy Anger Anger Styles The Bulldozer The Brick The Lightheart The Soulful One Exploring Your Anger Style Introduction to the Exercises Exercise: Your Anger Triggers Exercise: Describing Anger Exercise: Your Responses to Another Person’s Anger Exercise: Your Ideal Responses to Another Person’s Anger Exercise: Reflecting on Resentments Exercise: Summarizing Your Anger Style Exercise: Evaluating Your Anger Style Taking Charge of Anger Dispute Irrational Beliefs Use Anger as a “Stop Sign” Learn to Relax Express Anger Effectively Respond Effectively to Another Person’s Anger Use a Journal to Support Personal Change Act “As If” Practice Acceptance Manage Anger with Children Know When and How to Get Professional Help Summary: Your Quick Guide to Anger How to Learn More Notes Getting the Most from This Book Perhaps you’ve downloaded this e-book because you or a loved one has a problem with anger, or perhaps someone has told you that you do, but you’re skeptical. Welcome. You can change your experience of anger, starting today. At your disposal is a rich store of ideas and practical techniques. Let this book be your point of access to them. Remember that you don’t have to believe anything you read here. There’s nothing you have to take on faith. You won’t find any eternal verities or timeless truths. What you will find are tools for change. Use them. Test them. And see if they make a difference for you. The principles and practices in this book come from recognized experts on anger, including authors published by Hazelden. This information has been distilled for you here in a single source that you can read in one sitting. To get the most value from this e-book, be willing to do three things: First, consider the ideas presented in the following pages. Then, experiment with the suggested changes in behavior. Finally, evaluate the results of those changes. Discover what truly makes a difference for you. This process of putting ideas into action works best when you take it in “baby steps.” Translate ideas into simple, visible changes in behavior that you can make right away. Make one change at a time, evaluate the results, and then come back to this book for more practical ideas. The results could transform your experience of anger—and your life. Here’s what’s coming up in the following chapters: Start by getting past some of the prevailing myths about anger—for example, that it’s bad, useless, caused by things outside ourselves, and sometimes impossible to control. Next, take a microscope to the experience of anger. Like any other emotion, anger has an “anatomy,” or set of elements. Take those elements apart and see how they combine into a cycle of healthy or unhealthy anger. This will help you take the mystery out of anger and start to see how it can be managed. Each of us combines the elements of anger in a unique way, creating a special anger “style.” Learn about four anger styles that come with colorful names—the Bulldozer, the Brick, the Soulful One, and the Lightheart. With this understanding, you can go on to discover your own anger style. To do this, you’ll list the people and events that seem to trigger your anger. You’ll also reflect on your current responses to anger and take an inventory of your resentments—the first step to becoming free of them. The final chapter of this book presents a set of tools for change. This is where you’ll discover how to respond to anger with conscious choices rather than blind reactions. Use the ideas in this chapter to change your beliefs, change your habits, reduce your stress, and heal your relationships. Also learn when it’s a good idea to get professional help and how to get the most from it. If you’re ready for these rewards, then it’s time to get started. Note: To promote gender fairness, the pronouns he and she are alternated throughout this book.