From the best-selling authors of How to Poo at Work and How to HOW TO Bonk at Work comes the follow-up that everyone’s been waiting for: How to Bonk in Public will benefit your sex life wherever you may end up getting your end away! You know the feeling – a bit BONK bored at the bus stop and need something to occupy your time for ten minutes, or that subtitled German ‘art’ movie is just plain dull so you have an hour to spare… Well worry no more, for How to Bonk in Public will liberate your mind, body and soul with more IN PUBLIC than 50 ways to do it in public in many different places, and help you solve a lot of classic indoor and outdoor shag problems. H O Too many people around? W No problem, this book’s full T of ideas to get you far from O the madding crowd. Caught B in the act? Don’t panic, O there are many superb N excuses inside. Approached K by a wild boar on heat? I N Don’t worry, the answer to that problem – and many P U others – is within... B L Also available: I C A handy guide to getting the best sex Humour/Business/Self-help Mats in all sorts of places, from the ski & Enzo slopes to the supermarket £6.99 www.prionbooks.co.uk Mats & Enzo How to bonk in public_v2.indd 1 11/7/11 17:24:20 HOW TO BONK IN PUBLIC How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 1 11/7/11 17:23:07 Authors’ dedication To Hugh Grant, who doubtless regrets that this book was not published earlier… WARNING Prion books denies resPonsibility for any Problems you may encounter by bonking outdoors and for any other Problems you may face by following any of the jokey advice in this humorous book. we are not resPonsible.* This edition published in 2011 by Prion Books an imprint of The Carlton Publishing Group 20 Mortimer Street London W1T 3JW Text copyright © 2011 Mats and Enzo Design copyright © 2011 Carlton Books Limited No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher. All rights reserved eISBN 978-1-78013-066-8 A catalogue record of this book can be obtained from the British Library. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 * But we will be proud of you! How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 2 11/7/11 17:23:07 HOW TO BONK IN PUBLIC A handy guide to getting the best sex in all sorts of places, from the ski slopes to the supermarket Mats & Enzo How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 3 11/7/11 17:23:07 CONTENTS introduction 10 THE ExPErT: DICk JoHNSoN 12 Bonking in nature: the origin of the species 14 Part 1: Places and Positions 16 bonking at the beach 18 The happy grotto 19 The great baywatch 19 The scented control tower 20 A cone with two scoops 20 The enchanted coconut 21 The bonk-brella 21 bonking at the cinema 22 The carnal shadow 23 The rodeo 23 The wheelbarrow of the seventh art 24 The head rest 24 The monkey man 25 The horny janitor 25 4 How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 4 11/7/11 17:23:07 bonking at the swimming Pool 26 The high doggy style 27 The Titanic 27 The underwater barstool 28 The new back crawl 28 The Apneajob 29 The magic body board 29 bonking on a ski triP 30 Snack break 31 The enchanted dome 31 Porno toboggan 32 The blind passenger 32 The coolbox 33 The slippery stick 33 bonking at the disco 34 The UBB 35 The music box 35 The wheelbarrow-colada 36 The vibrating bed 36 The slow-blow 37 The drunken dog 37 bonking in a theme Park 38 Spicy tea 39 The wild rock 39 Behind closed walls 40 Masked up 40 The fantastic ride 41 The choo-choo 41 5 How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 5 11/7/11 17:23:07 bonking at the suPermarket 42 The doggy cart 43 The stockroom of ecstasy 43 The banana pyramid 44 The contortionists 44 The short-sighted mole 45 The magic trolley 45 bonking in a furniture store 46 The classic 47 The blinding blowjob 47 The 3D 48 The magic box 48 The hot sofa 49 The control tower 49 bonking in a Park 50 Banana and two olives skewer 51 Excited Tarzan 51 The expandable bench 52 A basket with holes 52 The shining pole 53 The Venetian blind 53 6 How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 6 11/7/11 17:23:08 Part 2: Problems before 54 It’s really cold and you’re affected 56 You finish too quickly 58 You are caught with a prostitute 60 You feel like it, but your partner doesn’t 62 Your partner feels like it, but you don’t 64 You can’t take a shower 66 You are locked outside in an S&M outfit 68 Part 3: Problems during 70 You are attacked by a wild boar on heat 72 You are bonking in your car and are surprised by a policeman 74 You have cramp 76 Your partner catches you filming 78 She can’t get aroused 80 A priest catches you bonking in church 82 You are stuck 84 A dog licks your bum 86 Your partner makes too much noise at the cinema 88 7 How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 7 11/7/11 17:23:08 Part 4: Problems after 90 You mistakenly sent a sexy text to your mother 92 A picture of you was taken while you bonked in a rollercoaster 94 You are interrupted and your condom gets stuck in your zip 96 You are photographed by an online mapping camera while bonking in your garden 98 You are allergic to grass 100 You are stuck in the middle of the street with pink handcuffs 102 Part 5: Problems during training and warm-uP 104 You are caught measuring your tool 106 You take out a big vibrator in front of your banker 108 You are caught at a DVD dispenser picking up a porno film 110 You are caught without underwear 112 You are caught leaving a sex shop 114 8 How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 8 11/7/11 17:23:08 Part 6: how to make organic and fair trade sex toys 116 How to make organic fishnet stockings 118 How to make an organic ball gag 120 How to make a refreshing organic lubricant 122 How to make an organic whip 124 How to make a gimp mask with birthday balloons 126 How to make an artificial vagina 128 How to make an inflatable blow up doll that can also be used in the sea or at the beach 130 Part 7: how to imProve your life by bonking in Public 132 bonus: 16 tips for a successful group bonk in a park 140 conclusion 142 9 How to Bonk in Public spreads 001-144.indd 9 11/7/11 17:23:08