Her Way Her Way Young Women Remake the Sexual Revolution PAULA KAMEN a NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS New York and London NEW YORK UNIVERSITY PRESS New York and London © 2000 by New York University All rights reserved. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Kamen, Paula. Young women remake the sexual revolution / Paula Kamen. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0-8147-4733-7 (cloth : alk. paper) 1. Young women—United States—Sexual behavior. I. Title. HQ29 .K35 2000 306.7'084'22—dc21 00-010008 New York University Press books are printed on acid-free paper, and their binding materials are chosen for strength and durability. Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Contents Acknowledgments vii Introduction: The Sexual Evolution toward Female Control 1 PART I: Doing It “His Way” 1.Superrats: The New Breed of Sexual Individualists 21 2.Portrait of a Generation: Male and Female Sex Patterns Converge 40 3.Changing Sexual Scripts: A Close-Up 61 PART II: Doing It “Her Way” 4.Virginity Reimagined: No Sex and the Single Girl 87 PART III: Redefining the Family and Relationships Her Way 5.Modern Marriage: From Meal Ticket to Best Friend 113 6.Choices for Remaining Single: “She’s Gonna Make It after All” 131 7.Lesbians and Bisexuals Out and Proud: “The Groping Generation” 152 PART IV: Getting to “Her Way”: Social Movements for Power and Permission 8.Education and Jobs, the Sexual Revolution, and the Women’s Movement: The Foundation 173 9.Redefining Religion and Morality: Overcoming Traditional Male Authority 191 10.Women’s “Locker-Room Talk,” Safer Sex Education, and the Media: New Information and Openness 208 Conclusion: Beyond Becoming Like Men, Becoming Like Ourselves 233 Notes 241 Bibliography 255 Index 269 About the Author 280 v Acknowledgments During the long and always challenging journey of researching and writing this book, I have been thankful for the many allies along the way. Making this book possible were all the women interviewed, my family, Dr. Ellen Berry, Eric Zinner, and the dedicated editorial staff at NYU Press. John K. Wilson helped in all steps of this process. Josh Kilroy provided much appre- ciated editorial support. My mother also regularly went above and beyond the call of duty, regularly giving me plastic grocery bags stuffed with articles (all having something to do with sex) that she had clipped from the half- dozen newspapers she regularly reads. Helping with research, interview contacts, editorial suggestions (or just morale) were both Cecilias, Daisy Hernandez, Bridget Brown, Marny Requa, Steve Rhodes, Felicia Kornbluh, Kristen Walsh, Jennifer Morris and friends, Clare Sullivan and family, Ellen Frank, Lisa Davis, Lisa Ormerod, Mary McCain, Pam Sourelis, Danny Postel, Melissa Sterne, Ann McCaffrey, Monica Sohn, Jason Schultz, Victoria Stagg Elliott, Anna Minkov, Elizabeth Austin, Amy Keller, Adrienne Kneeland and Chris Jackiw, and Paul and Stephanie Creamer. (Apologies to the roommates included in this group for the constant clutter from newspapers and magazines.) I also thank some of my most helpful interview sources, including Ilsa Lottes, Sarah Weddington, Florynce Kennedy, Judy Norsigian, Barbara Seaman, and the staff of the University Settlement of New York City. Helping me with transcription were Deidre Fuller, Becky Kamen, Tim Hegeman, and Transcription Profession- als. Thanks to Kate Kirtz for coining the word superrat by accident over conversation. For lodging and local contacts in various cities, I thank: Iris Chang and Brett Douglas, Jeanne Kim, Stephanie Wall, Laurel Carpenter, Mecca Car- penter and family, Jenai Lane, Dawn King and family, Amy Tague, Susan Hays, Dean Fiala, Mary Edwards, Pat Longoria and Mason Peck, and Ken and Becky Kurson. I greatly appreciate the research support of the Northwestern University Gender Studies Program, including the gracious Marena McPherson, Cathy Coppolillo, Rae Moses, and Fran Paden. I would also like to thank the Puf- fin Foundation and the City of Chicago CAPS program for grants in 1994. Over the years, material from this book has appeared in different incar- nations in other publications. The seeds were planted in a 1992 essay, vii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS “The Second Sexual Revolution,” in Eric Liu’s Next Progressivemagazine. The section in chapter 8 on young feminist activism against acquaintance viii rape was printed in another form as three articles: “Erasing Rape: Media Hype an Attack on Sexual-Assault Research” in EXTRA! (A Publication of Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting), November/December 1993; “The Knotted Web of Sexual Relations,” Might Magazine 1, 1994; and “Acquaintance Rape: Revolution and Reaction,” in “Bad Girls/Good Girls”: Women, Sex, and Power in the Nineties, Rutgers University Press, 1996. An early version of my introduction appeared in my commentary, “Clinton Failed to Recognize Sexual Generation Gap,” Chicago Tribune “Womanews” sec., 11 October 1998. Introduction: The Sexual Evolution toward Female Control I want to be the girl with the most cake. —Courtney Love and Hole, “Doll Parts,” from Live through This,1994 And I made up my mind to find my own destiny. And deep in my heart the answer it was in me. —Lauryn Hill, title song, “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill,” 1998 P President William Jefferson Clinton will not be remembered as being naive about the ways of women. Yet he met more than his match in the 21-year- old White House intern Monica Lewinsky, whose ambition and audacity he disastrously underestimated. A few months before their relationship became public, a puzzled Clinton admitted to her, “If I had known what kind of a person you really were, I wouldn’t have gotten involved with you” (Starr Report 1998, B6). What Clinton did not realize was that Lewinsky’s behav- ior was that of a new generation of women. Toexplain Monica Lewinsky, you have to explain Monica Lewinsky’s gen- eration, which plays by rules entirely different from those of its predecessor. Lewinsky is one of the women born during and shaped by the sexual revo- lution, the women’s movement, resulting in new education and work oppor- tunities for women, new religious freedoms, and the information age. Shar- ing more of men’s power, sense of entitlement, and social clout, Lewinsky’s peers generally feel more comfortable than did earlier generations in aggres- sively and unapologetically pursuing their own interests in sexual relation- ships, that is, doing it “her way.” This highly individualistic generation is un- predictable and idiosyncratic in their behavior, not conforming to one neat and rigid mold, as women (and men) did in the past. Using their own taste as their barometer, they have a broad menu of choices at their fingertips (for 1