Healing the Hurt : Rebuilding Relationships With title: Your Children : a Self-help Guide for Parents in Recovery author: Jesse, Rosalie Cruise. publisher: Hazelden Publishing isbn10 | asin: 0935908544 print isbn13: 9780935908541 ebook isbn13: 9780585113555 language: English Children of alcoholics--Psychology, Children of narcotic addicts--Psychology, Alcoholics--Family subject relationships, Narcotic addicts--Family relationships, Parent and child. publication date: 1990 lcc: HV5132.J47 1990eb ddc: 362.29/13 Children of alcoholics--Psychology, Children of narcotic addicts--Psychology, Alcoholics--Family subject: relationships, Narcotic addicts--Family relationships, Parent and child. Page iii Healing the Hurt Rebuilding Relationships with Your Children A Self-Help Guide For Parents in Recovery Rosalie Cruise Jesse, Ph.D. Johnson Institute Hazelden Page iv Copyright © 1990 Hazelden Foundation. Previously published 1990 by the Johnson Institute. First published 1998 by Hazelden. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express permission in writing from the publisher. Hazelden 15251 Pleasant Valley Rd. Center City, MN 55012 651-213-4000 800-328-9000 www.hazelden.org Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Jesse, Rosalie Cruise. Healing the Hurt: Rebuilding Relationships with your Children A Self-Help Guide for Parents in Recovery Includes bibliographical references. 1. Children of alcoholics-Psychology. 2. Children of narcotic addicts-Psychology. 3. Alcoholics-Family relationships. 4. Narcotic addicts-Family relationships. 5. Parent and child. I. Title. HV5132.J471990 362.29' 13-dc20 90-42834 CIP ISBN 0-935908-54-4 Page v DEDICATION This book is dedicated to Dr. Vernon E. Johnson, founder of the Johnson Institute, a name that has become synonymous with the family treatment of chemical dependence. Thanks to Dr. Johnson and his emphasis on early intervention and aftercare, recovering parents have a much greater chance of healing the hurt of their children. Page vii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS My special thanks to Carole Remboldt of the Johnson Institute for having thought about this book for as many years as I have wanted to write it, for knowing that the time had come for the book to be written, and for selecting me as its author. Loving appreciation is also extended to Carol Carson, my longtime and very dear friend, who is a wonderful source of encouragement for my writing. She reads my books and tells me that she learns from them just when I most need to hear that! Finally, to Roger Purnelle, my husband, who shares my journey and heals my hurt and from whom I have learned the gentle art of rebuilding relationships: Merci beaucoup pour qui tu es. Page ix CONTENTS Introduction 1 About the Author 3 Editor's Note 4 PART I Chapter 1 5 The Hurt That Blinds Chapter 2 15 Messages of Hurt Chapter 3 29 The Hurt That Binds Chapter 4 41 The Hurt Beyond the Role Chapter 5 59 Learning to See Your Child Chapter 6 75 Who Will Heal Their Hurt? Chapter 7 89 Legacy of Hurt PART II Chapter 8 103 The Stage of Family Life Called Recovery Chapter 9 109 Healing the HurtACT I Chapter 10 127 Healing the HurtACT II Chapter 11 149 Healing the HurtACT III Chapter 12 Finale 171 Chapter 13 185 Epilogue Suggested Readings 197 References 198 Index 199 Page 1 INTRODUCTION Recovery from chemical dependence and co-dependence can be a rewarding journey. I am exuberant when a parent begins the most difficult but exciting adventure of laying aside chemicals and starts to face life squarely. The respect I have for the parent in recovery continues to grow. As I see more and more adults trying to make life better for their children than it was for themthrough the process of recoveryI want to applaud. I know that the family has begun a new course. This new direction will lead to a better way of life not only for parents and their children but also for our world. I've never known a time when I wasn't involved in some way with families in recovery. I grew up in one. My earliest work in the mental health field was dedicated to helping children of chemically dependent parents. I've since learned that it's important to help the parent help the child. Today, as a clinical psychologist, one of the first questions parents ask me when I begin to work with them is "How can you teach us about parenting unless you've done it yourself?" This is a fair question, and I understand the basis for it. Unless one has lived with the day-to-day frustrations and sometimes bewildering experiences of being a parent, one is prone to come across with a rather lofty, ivory-tower approach to child rearing. So let me respond to these concerns: "Yes, I am a parent, and I have traveled the same path that you are travelingall the way from the crib of my child to rebuilding a relationship during adulthood. I have learned from my successes, but I have learned more from my mistakes." Some of my most important learning has been from the children in recovery with whom I've worked over the past twenty years. These children, together with their recovering parents, have been my teachers; they have helped shape many of the important ideas that I'll be sharing in this book. This book stresses the need for younger children to become involved in a process of healing during their parents' recovery from chemical dependence. The book offers help on how to heal the hurt that may have been inflicted on the child. Most of the ideas are Page 2 applicable to rebuilding relationships with teenagers and young adults as well. Don't look for specific "cures" for the kinds of child-rearing problems that occur daily. These problems certainly frustrate and confuse parents in recovery. But I encourage you to seek outside assistance, if necessary, at the time problems occur. The first part of the book describes how chemical dependence harms relationships between parents and their children. This is directed primarily to recovering chemically dependent parents and codependents, but the concepts also apply equally to parents who are recovering from other forms of addictive disorders (food addiction, gambling or sexual addictions, physical or sexual abuse) and to parents who are adult children of alcoholics. In the second part of the book, the principles and guidelines for rebuilding relationships are important for all recovering parents and their children. The important idea behind this book is that the influence of addictive behaviors in a familyeven generations removedcan affect children. As we commence this part of the journey, I want to extend my congratulations and offer my support in the pages ahead. Rebuilding a relationship with your child can be difficult, challenging, but eternally rewarding! Page 3 ABOUT THE AUTHOR Rosalie Cruise Jesse, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist in private practice. She is the Director of the Alvarado Center for Counseling and Psychology in San Diego, California. Her pioneering work with children inspires us to see as absolutely essential the healing of the parent-child relationship during recovery.