title : Healing the Child Within : Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families author : Whitfield, Charles L. publisher : Health Communications, Inc. isbn10 | : asin print : 9780932194404 isbn13 ebook : 9780585110080 isbn13 language : English subject Codependency--Treatment, Self, Adult children of dysfunctional families--Medical rehabilitation. publication : 1987 date lcc : RC569.5.C63W47 1987eb ddc : 616.89 subject : Codependency--Treatment, Self, Adult children of dysfunctional families--Medical rehabilitation. Page i Healing The Child Within Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. Health Communications, Inc. Deerfield Beach, Florida Page ii Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. Box 420487 Atlanta, GA 30342 404-843-4300 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the child within. Bibliography: p. 1. Codependence (Psychology) Treatment. 2. Self. 3. Alcoholics Family relationships. 4. Children of alcoholic parents Mental health. 5. Adult child abuse victims Mental health. 1. Title. RC569.5.C63W47 1987 616.89 87-137 Reprinted 1989 © 1987 Charles L. Whitfield ISBN 0932194-40-0 All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the publisher. Published by Health Communications, Inc. Enterprise Center 3201 Southwest 15th Street Deerfield Beach, FL 33442 Cover Design and Illustration by Reta Thomas Page iii About The Author Charles Whitfield is a physician who specializes in helping people who are alcoholic, chemical dependent or co-dependent, and adult children of troubled or dysfunctional families. He has also worked, and continues to work on healing his own child within. Dr. Charles Whitfield is in private practice in Atlanta and is a founding board member of the National Association for Children of Alcoholics. He is on the faculty of Rutgers Summer School of Advanced Alcohol Studies. He is the author of the other books shown below, and lectures and does workshops nationally. To be on his mailing list for these workshops in your area, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope to: Box 420487, Atlanta, GA 30342, (404) 843-4300. Charles Whitfield's other books include: A Gift to Myself: a personal workbook and guide to healing the child within Codependence: Healing the Human Condition Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self Memory and Abuse: Remembering and Healing the Wounds of Trauma Alcoholism and Spirituality (preprint form only) My Recovery Plan (three booklets on each of the stages of recovery) Page iv Acknowledgments Special thanks to the following who read an early draft of this book and offered constructive suggestions: Herb Gravitz, Julie Bowden, Vicki Mermelstein, Rebecca Peres, Jerry Hunt, John Femino, Jeanne Harper, Barbara Ensor, Lucy Robe, John Davis, Doug Hedrick, Mary Jackson, Barry Tuchfeld, Bob Subby, and Anne Wilson Schaef. Grateful acknowledgment is given to the following for permission to reprint: Portia Nelson's "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters." Copyright Portia Nelson, 1980, reprinted The Popular Library Edition "There's a Hole in my Sidewalk," copyright 1977, permission in process. Arthur Deikman's quote from his book The Observing Self, copyright 1972 by Beacon Press, Boston. Alice Miller's quote from her book Thou Shalt Not Be Aware, copyright 1984 by Alice Miller, published by Farrar Straus Giroux, New York. Bruce Fischer's illustration ''Cycle of Shame and Compulsive Behavior," copyright Bruce Fischer, 1986. American Psychiatric Association's "Severity Rating of Psychosocial Stressors," from DSM-III, copyright 1980 American Psychiatric Association. In modified form, Al-Anon Family Groups Questions for Adult Children of Alcoholics, Madison Sq. Station, New York, 1985. The poem "Please Hear What I'm Not Saying,'' copyright 1966 by Charles C. Finn. Anonymous author's poem "Afraid of Night," by permission of the author. Timmen Cermak's quotes from his book Diagnosing and Treating Codependence, copyright 1986 by the Johnson Institute. Dedication This book is dedicated to the Child Within each of us. Page v Contents 1. Introduction 1 2. Background of the Concept of the Child Within 5 3. What is the Child Within 9 4. Stifling the Child Within 17 5. Parental Conditions that Tend to Stifle the Child Within 25 6. The Dynamics of Shame and Low Self-Esteem 43 7. The Role of Stress: The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder 55 8. How Can We Heal Our Child Within? 59 9. Beginning to Deal With Core Issues 67 10. Identifying and Experiencing Our Feelings 77 11. The Process of Grieving 85 12. Continuing to Grieve: Risking, Sharing and Telling Our Story 95 13. Transforming 107 14. Integrating 119 15. The Role of Spirituality 127 Appendix 142 References 144 Page vi Tables And Figures Tables 1. Some Characteristics of the Real Self and the Codependent 10 Self 2. A Hierarchy of Human Needs 18 3. Parental Conditions Associated with Dynamics of Adult 26 Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families 4. Some Definitions of Codependence 29 5. Some Terms for Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Trauma That 40 May Be Experienced by Children and Adults 6. Negative Rules and Negative Messages Commonly Heard in 47 Alcoholic or Other Troubled Families 7. Severity Rating of Psychosocial Stressors 56 8. Levels of Awareness and Communication of Feelings, With 81 Guidelines for Sharing 9. Some Feelings and Their Opposites 84 10. Some Examples of Loss 88 11. Some Losses in Alcoholism, etc. 90 12. Answers, Approaches and Strategies often Used to Protect the 102 Parents