Copyright Copyright © 2016 Emergency Biscuit Inc. Cover design by Lauren Harms Cover copyright © 2016 by Hachette Book Group, Inc. Hachette Book Group supports the right to free expression and the value of copyright. The purpose of copyright is to encourage writers and artists to produce the creative works that enrich our culture. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book without permission is a theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like permission to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), please contact [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights. Little, Brown and Company Hachette Book Group 1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10104 littlebrown.com twitter.com/littlebrown facebook.com/littlebrownandcompany First ebook edition: December 2016 Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher. The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to hachettespeakersbureau.com or call (866) 376- 6591. Illustrations and hand lettering by Lauren Harms ISBN 978-0-316-50506-2 E3-20161117-JV-PC Contents Cover Title Page Copyright Author’s note Introduction I: What we talk about when we talk about getting your shit together Who needs to get their shit together—and why I lost my shit so you don’t have to Winning at life (without being an insufferable prick) Life is like an adult coloring book A coloring exercise Your real and metaphorical keys, phone, and wallet GYST Theory Let’s talk strategy Focus pocus Saying “I do.” But [thing I want to do] is too hard! The Power of Negative Thinking Ready, set, goal! II: SMALL SHIT: Nailing down the day-to-day to build a better future Beginning for beginners The What/Why Method for Setting Goals The bar is too damn high Time flies when you don’t have your shit together It’s on the calendar Your best friend and worst enemy (Feat. Prioritization, procrastination, and the difference between “to- do” and “must-do” lists) Best Friends 4-EVA Fuck Overload™ The Must-Do Method Sleeping with the enemy Ten things I’ve done that weren’t on my to-do list to procrastinate doing things that were Get your shit together: a flowchart Where does the time go? Frailty, thy name is distraction! The Wizard of Impulse Control Making the sober decision Correspondence course It’s not the size of the inbox, it’s how you use it Reining in your sending habits “Great, thanks!” The Purge The day-to-day (or week-to-week) Inbox Anxiety Dialing it in Quittin’ time: an experiment The midday ambush The money shot Hey, Big Spender No pennies left to pinch Five things on which you don’t need to spend $3.57 (or more) We bought a zoo A spoonful of willpower helps the medicine go down (Feat. The Art of War Willpower) An emotional spanking III: TOUGH SHIT: Getting older, getting ahead, getting healthy, and getting better at life in general Responsibilities & Relationships For adults only Life’s a pitch Righting the relationship Missed connections “Hi” maintenance is low-maintenance Wish you were here! The Relationship Relay Strategize, focus, [de]commit Nobody puts Baby in the culturally acceptable corner Work & Finances Skills include Be a con(fidence) man Ask and ye shall receive Five more ways in which you can demonstrate to your boss that you have your shit together I’ll show you my out-of-office if you show me yours (Feat. Anticipation vs. reality) Make like Elsa and let it go Good things come to those who delegate But what if it doesn’t get done to my standards? Nobody’s going to die on the table The 411 on your 401(k) or IRA (Feat. Charts!) Health, Home & Lifestyle Let’s get physical Work it out—or find the work-around Get your sheets together Take the cinnamon bun, maybe leave the cannoli Good clean living HGTV is lying to you I’ve got a guy for that (and so could you) Winning by osmosis PS Don’t be such a fucking martyr “Me time” is a right, not a privilege Hobbies with which I have rewarded myself for getting other shit done (Feat. Bubble baths) You have to lobby for your hobby Becoming pro-creation Selfish is not a four-letter word IV: DEEP SHIT: Mental health, existential crises, and making big life changes Getting your shit together to get out of your own way Anxiety, you ignorant slut (Feat. Ripping off the Band-Aid and The Practice Test) Avoidance is not a zero-sum game How to start a difficult conversation The other F-word(s) Analysis paralysis The call is coming from inside the house Things that are healthier to fear than failure Just say no to being perfect Twelve steps for defeating perfectionism Help wanted The case of the disappearing girl Want to make big life changes? Look at the small picture. B-I-N-G-O I know you are but what am I? Get your shit together, Pam Hello from the other side Epilogue Acknowledgments About the Author Also Available Newsletters