Reviews PRAISE FOR From Shy to Social “Engaging, well-researched and frequently hilarious, From Shy To Social is one of those rare self-help books that feels like you’re being coached and encouraged by a trusted friend. An absolute must-read for all of the love shy men out there.” – Sofi Papamarko, Relationship Columnist & Contributor to The Huffington Post and The Globe & Mail “This is an important topic that affects so many men, who will be happy to have this book!” – Liza Fromer, host of The Morning Show, Global TV “While many men dream about success with dating, the truly motivated do everything possible to make that happen. Former ‘shy guy’ author Christopher Gray embarked on a journey to develop his skill at relating to others, and shares his insights in this valuable guide to boosting your self-confidence and ability to develop both social and romantic relationships. Unlike a lot of people who write about dating, Chris doesn’t just offer conversational tips and tricks for attracting interest from women – he can help you develop a better self-image and strategies for attracting the women you want.” – Kateryna Spiwak, Professional Dating & Relationship Coach “The best counsel always comes from personal experience and in From Shy To Social: The Shy Man's Guide to Personal & Dating Success, Christopher Gray's life-long journey through shyness is an outstanding resource which will resonate deeply for any man who struggles with a need for love and connection and the realities of being shy.” – Dale Curd, Counselor, Men's Issues Expert & host of Guy Talk, CFRB Radio From Shy To Social The SHY MAN’S GUIDE To PERSONAL & DATING SUCCESS By Christopher Gray Copyright Copyright © 2012 by Christopher Gray Published by Sunbow Press Address inquiries to: Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication Gray, Christopher [date] From shy to social [electronic resource] : the shy man's guide to personal & dating success / Christopher Gray. Includes bibliographical references. Electronic monograph in EPUB format. Issued also in print format. ISBN 978-0-9868364-1-1 1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Bashfulness. 3. Man-woman relationships. I. Title. HQ801.G698 2011a 646.7'7 C2011-906255-0 Preface I struggled with social anxiety disorder and an almost debilitating lack of confidence for many years. Through extensive research, interviews with psychologists and behavioral experts, experimentation and trial & error, I managed to conquer my social phobias and create a rich, satisfying social life. This book is designed to help the shy guy’s dating situation through the benefit of my own experience and solutions. This semi-autobiographical journey is essentially divided into two parts – the first deals with reducing anxiety and shyness so that you can comfortably interact with others, and then we switch over to the male—female dynamic in which approach and conversation skills with women is addressed, with the aim of creating a healthy dating life. This book is a comprehensive plan detailing the methods I used to change from being extremely self-conscious around women I was interested in, to someone who could confidently initiate conversation with women under almost any conditions, concurrent with a far richer social life. My research consisted of consultation with experts and their material in the fields of attraction, psychology, social science and the arts. Some of these include dating & lifestyle coaches Kateryna Spiwak and Michael Marks, the writings of Joseph O’Connor & John Seymour in their book Introducing NLP, Michael Ellsberg’s The Power of Eye Contact, Michael Pilinski’s Without Embarrassment, Richard Machowicz’s Unleash The Warrior Within; attraction experts Neil Strauss’ The Rules of the Game, Mystery’s The Mystery Method, the writings of social etiquette expert Leil Lowndes, and other works in various fields. Also of note are the teachers at Second City Improv and The Bad Dog Theatre Company in Toronto, who are consistently able to instruct their students in the skill of on-the-spot conversation while being funny at the same time. The result of my efforts is a proven program of self-improvement which will help you eliminate the shyness or lack of self-esteem or lack of confidence that may be holding you back. You will become the better man you want to be, while opening up new social avenues for meeting women. I am about to change your life for the better. Introduction It was just before Christmas 2005 and I was wandering through a grocery store, out of a relationship, feeling very depressed. I had tried online dating without much success. I wanted to be in a new relationship, but felt powerless to meet women, let alone ask one out for a date. I saw a woman carrying a shopping basket; we passed each other in the aisle, glancing at one another. I continued shopping but made my way back towards where I thought she’d be. I didn’t see her, so thinking she had left I made my way to the checkout. As luck would have it, she was in line, and I moved in just after her. I took note of what was in her basket; there were lots of vegetables, and other healthy choices. Despite my nervousness at the prospect, I decided to initiate conversation: “You sure eat with nutrition in mind.” She smiled. “Thanks, but you caught me on a good day, I might just as well have had some chocolate and frozen food instead, but I wanted to eat better before all the holiday deserts started.” “Have you done all of your gift shopping?” I asked. “Just one or two more people to buy for,” she replied, as she finished paying for her groceries. Now my items were being rung through. I wanted to get her number, or give her mine. But damn, she was starting to leave, the cashier was there and would hear my attempt. My heart was pounding, and I was starting to panic, unsure of what to do next. “Well, happy holidays,” she said, as she walked away. And she disappeared. As my items were being bagged, I saw her pass by the window outside, and she briefly glanced at me. A moment later I paid for my groceries and hurried out, hoping to catch her and ask for her number. But she was gone. I returned to that store many times hoping to see her. Although I have dated many women since then, I will always look upon that moment as a tragic lost opportunity, wondering how things might have turned out had I seized it. I vowed to never let something like that happen again. It’s a true story and a common scenario for many men, especially those who are shy (or extremely reserved, as some prefer to call the condition). There’s nothing more frustrating for a guy to have this feeling of helplessness, to literally watch an attractive woman slip by, and not know how to fix the situation. Sure, there is always the standard advice of just go for it, but if you don’t have the skills, your fear gets in the way, sabotaging your approach – if you can approach at all. Most of us believe women do not want to be approached by guys, because we think it would be obvious we were hitting on her. So we wait until conditions are absolutely perfect. The trouble is, if you are shy the perfect conditions are about as common as a grand-prize lottery win. For many reserved guys, dating is a cruel exercise in failure. For myself it was only after many years of repetitive frustration that I finally chose to chart a new destiny and improve my situation; the alternative was absolutely horrifying: stay in the same rut, have zero success with women, and die alone surrounded by cute but unappreciative goldfish. At first I was clueless about how to fix the situation. Then I went looking for answers, which I have detailed here. Though we examine actual conversations with women that led to dates, this is not a Pickup Artist (PUA) book, but neither is it simply a manual that only targets your social anxiety. I wanted to produce a well-rounded, one-stop program, one that would tackle this frustrating dating problem for guys everywhere, no matter their age or social comfort level. As someone who has been there and then found pathways to success, I am going to outline a series of exercises and instructions designed to improve your social skills, measure by measure, until you are able to function at a level far beyond what you now experience. I’ve included sections on the different social behavior of men and women, theories on attraction, and practical assignments designed to help the extremely reserved man evolve from a stammering recluse into a confident man who is comfortable interacting fully with women in whom he is interested. I also researched the sometimes locked-in defeatist mindsets that some men with social anxiety employ (the depth and extent of those defeatist mindsets and negative convictions may surprise you), and the common tendency to blame others rather than put in the effort and practice the techniques and habits needed to improve their lives. Later in the book I analyze for you the latest introduction techniques and how shy men can learn to apply them effectively. Included are many examples of actual opening lines, conversations, and routines that have worked that will give you a clear understanding about the nature of attraction, and how to apply it all to achieve successful dating. Going from being extremely shy to comfortably interacting with women may seem like a very ambitious goal to some. Much of my progress was trial and error, and it took years to reach my present level of confidence in social situations and having engaging conversations with women I find attractive. My aim in writing this book is to not only give the reader a deeper understanding of the problem of shyness as it relates to dating, but offer tips, insight and reference-style assignments that will reduce the total time investment to a fraction of what it would otherwise take. Understanding Shyness As shy individuals, we face an uphill battle. The world is awash with competition and ambition, in everything from getting a job to getting a date. If you are a reserved individual and hesitate or fail to convince others of your positive attributes there will always be someone else ready to take what could be yours. This is true everywhere – with recreational sports teams, the workplace, and especially dating. Every year thousands of articles and books are published on dating and relationships. Suggestions are given on where to go to meet women, how to ask a woman out, cultivating your bad boy attitude to make women swoon, and so on. The vast majority of these self-help sources assume the reader just needs a little tweaking in their presentation to get their dating engine started. Unfortunately for the love shy, the advice these books espouse is completely useless. Love shy people, especially shy men, are so far removed from a healthy dating life that the simple “polish” or “attitude adjustment” as preached by some guides is about as effective as trying to paddle up Niagara Falls. In fact, most self-help relationship books pay only scant attention to the love shy, if the topic is mentioned at all. One relationship book I read devoted a single paragraph to the extremely shy; the author had little to offer, suggesting reserved, awkward daters with low self-esteem seek counseling for any deep- seated trauma before attempting to date. While this may be sound advice for those with deep-seated trauma, it is of little benefit to the just plain shy. I have taken a more realistic approach with this book, which is designed expressly for the Love Shy Man – a particularly difficult dater whose overriding lack of confidence affects every aspect of his life, and all but completely ensures his prior dating prospects were nil. I say “his” life because overall this tends to be more of a male problem. In general terms it is the man that is expected to take the assertive role, in everything from the initial approach, to the first kiss, and finally the act of sex itself. This is a generalization but gender roles bear this out, something I have seen in my own personal experience, although there is a cultural shift afoot where women feel comfortable in asking a man out. Not to minimize the suffering some shy women go through, but given their allowed passivity in the dating world women don’t need to be as outgoing to attract men (although the extremely shy, reclusive woman will of course have