FANTASTIC MR. FOX by Roald Dahl June 1, 2009 Anderson/Baumbach EXT. WOODS. DAY An apple tree stands alone at the top of a hill. A handsome fox dressed in a corduroy suit leans against it with his arms folded and his legs crossed, chewing on a reed of wild grass. He tucks it into his breast pocket like a cigar alongside two similar reeds and picks an apple off a branch above his head. He takes a bite and spits out a seed. He looks off across a meadow that descends into the valley below. A female fox strides briskly up the hill. Her coat is a paler, especially beautiful shade of fox-red, and she wears men’s trousers and a dark tunic. Fox says as she approaches: FOX What’d the doctor say? MRS. FOX Nothing. Supposedly, it’s just a twenty- four hour bug. He gave me some pills. FOX (reassuringly) I told you. You probably just ate some bad gristle. Fox brushes the fur on Mrs. Fox’s ears with his paws. They walk together along the crest of the hill to a fork in the path. Fox points: FOX Should we take the short cut or the scenic route? MRS. FOX Let’s take the short cut. FOX But the scenic route is so much prettier. MRS. FOX (shrugs) OK, let’s take the scenic route. FOX Great. It’s actually slightly quicker, anyway. Fox throws his apple core away over his shoulder and dances a quick circle around Mrs. Fox, wrapping his arm around her waist extravagantly and making her laugh as they start off down the scenic route. 2. EXT. FARM. DAY A rustic cottage surrounded by a small barn, a tin silo, and a rickity windmill. There is a sheep in a little pasture. A sign on a rail says Berk’s Squab. Fox and Mrs. Fox watch from the bushes outside a fence. MRS. FOX What is a squab? FOX You know what a squab is. It’s like a pigeon, I suppose. Fox motions toward the edge of the property. FOX Should we go through the hole under the horse fence or climb the rail over the bridle path? MRS. FOX Well, I guess the horse fence would be a little safer. FOX But the bridle path puts us out right next to the squab shack. Mrs. Fox hesitates. She fiddles with her paws. She nods nervously. She shakes slightly. Fox looks at her funny. FOX What’s wrong? You’re acting all skittish. Don’t worry. I’ve been stealing birds for a living since before I could trot. Fox flashes a smile. He says suddenly: FOX By the way, you look unbelievably beautiful tonight. You’re practically glowing. Maybe it’s the lighting. Mrs. Fox is, in fact, glowing, albeit ever so slightly. She stares at Fox enigmatically. Fox touches his paw to her cheek. (NOTE: an alternate version of Mrs. Fox will be used for this shot which can be literally lit from within.) With the speed, grace, and precision of athletes, Fox and Mrs. Fox: dart through a hole under a painted fence, race along a thin trail next to a garage, crawl beneath a window, 3. creep past a doghouse, and shimmy over a doorway. They dart into a drain-pipe and come out in front of a wooden shed. Fox lifts a loose board. They duck inside. Silence. Fox and Mrs. Fox come out. Each holds a dead, bloody pigeon in his/her teeth. They start to run away. Fox looks up above them. He stops. He frowns. He takes the pigeon out of his mouth and says curiously, pointing toward the sky: FOX What’s that? I think that’s a fox-trap! Look at this. MRS. FOX Get away from there. FOX Is it spring-loaded? Yeah... (pointing to different spots) I guess if you come from over there, and you’re standing at the door to the squab shack, this little gadget probably triggers the -- (gesturing to Mrs. Fox) Move out of the way, darling. That’s right where it’s going to land. Mrs. Fox runs back to Fox and tugs at his arm. MRS. FOX Come on! Stop it! Let’s go! Fox pulls on a little, hanging wire. A chain unrolls rapidly from a pulley, and a steel cage falls slap down on top of him and Mrs. Fox. A small tag on the base of the trap says Badoit et Fils. Fox and Mrs. Fox stand motionless, side by side, in disbelief. FOX No, it just falls straight down right here, doesn’t it? I guess it’s not spring- loaded. MRS. FOX I’m pregnant. Fox stares at Mrs. Fox. He is confused but moved. FOX Wow. We’re going to have a cub. Honey, that’s great news! 4. Sounds come from around the farm: the dog barks, doors open, lights come on. An alarm bell begins to ring in the distance. Fox and Mrs. Fox look terrified. Mrs. Fox says quietly: MRS. FOX If we’re still alive tomorrow morning, I want you to find another line of work. FOX (quietly) OK. CUT TO: A wide shot of the entire valley. There are thick woods, green and yellow fields, two ponds, a small village, and a river running through the middle. TITLE: 2 YEARS LATER (12 Fox-Years) EXT. HOLE. DAY The entrance to a tunnel under a dirt mound covered with holly bushes. INT. HOLE. DAY A small, comfortable kitchen off a living room with two bedrooms behind it. Fox sits at the kitchen table reading a newspaper called the Gazette. His fur has gone grey at the temples, and he now wears a dark, double-breasted, pin- striped suit with a conservative necktie. Mrs. Fox stands at the counter-top stirring something in a bowl with a whisk. She is dressed in a paint-splattered, cream-colored, Victorian-style dress. INSERT: A column in the newspaper with Fox’s picture at the top of it in a slightly too-debonair pose. The caption reads: Fox about Town with Fantastic Mr. Fox. FOX Does anybody actually read my column? Do your friends ever talk about it? MRS. FOX (still stirring) Of course. In fact, Rabbit’s ex- girlfriend just said to me last week, “I should read Foxy’s column,” but they don’t get the Gazette. (more) 5. MRS. FOX (cont'd) (yelling into the next room) Ash! Let’s get cracking! FOX Why would they? It’s a rag-sheet. Mrs. Fox puts down her bowl and starts slicing a loaf of bread. A small, narrow fox cub comes out of one of the bedrooms wearing white pants and no shirt. His hair is smashed all onto one side sticking up wrong. He is Ash. ASH I’m sick. MRS. FOX You’re not sick. ASH I have a temperature. Mrs. Fox goes quickly over to Ash and puts her paw to his forehead. MRS. FOX You don’t have a temperature. Ash turns away and says as he goes back into his bedroom: ASH I don’t want to go. MRS. FOX Hurry up. You’re going to be late. Mrs. Fox goes back into the kitchen and starts making toast and coffee. Fox whispers to her: FOX I love the way you handled that. Mrs. Fox looks at Fox sideways. She says loudly to Ash: MRS. FOX Your cousin Kristofferson’s coming on the sixth. I want you to be extra nice to him, because he’s going through a very hard time right now, OK? Ash comes back out of his bedroom. He now wears a white cardigan and white socks with his white pants tucked into them. He says aggressively: ASH Where’s he going to sleep? 6. MRS. FOX We’re going to make a bed for him in your room. ASH I can’t spare the space. Put him in Dad’s study. Fox says without looking up from his newspaper: FOX Dad’s study is occupied by Dad. Ash goes back into his bedroom. Fox lowers his newspaper. He looks around the room. He says to Mrs. Fox: FOX I don’t want to live in a hole anymore. It makes me feel poor. Mrs. Fox stops buttering the toast. She looks to Fox and says softly: MRS. FOX We are poor -- but we’re happy. Fox twists his paw in the air, indicating: FOX Comme-ci, comme-ça. Anyway, the views are better above ground. Mrs. Fox nods. She brings Fox a plate of toast and a cup of coffee. Fox takes her paw and says: FOX I’m seven non-fox-years old now. My father died at seven and a half. I don’t want to live in a hole anymore, and I’m going to do something about it. Fox kisses Mrs. Fox’s paw. He suddenly eats three slices of toast in a second and a half, savagely but neatly. He stands and picks up his cup of coffee. FOX Well, I’m off. Fox throws back the last of his coffee, kisses Mrs. Fox on the back of her neck, grabs his briefcase, tucks his newspaper under his arm, and walks to the door. He shouts cheerily: 7. FOX Have a good day, my darlings! MRS. FOX (gently) You know, Foxes live in holes for a reason. Fox considers this. Ash comes out the bedroom again. He has now added a white cape to his ensemble and is in the middle of brushing his teeth. There is toothpaste all over his mouth. Fox looks puzzled. FOX What’re you wearing? Why a cape with the pants tucked into your socks? Ash scowls. He spits toothpaste onto the floor and goes back into his bedroom. Fox says philosophically: FOX I guess he’s just -- (making a hula-type gesture) -- different. Fox whistles sharply with a half-chirp and makes an obscure hand-signal with two of the fingers of his paw and his partial-thumb. He starts to go out but pauses to look down at a folded up section of his newspaper. INSERT: A clipping from the real estate section. There is a photograph of a wide, sprawling beech tree at the top of a hill. A caption below it reads: Tree Living, Great Views, Classic Beech INT. TREE. DAY A door opens into a wide, low space with peeling paint. There is an old chair against the wall, a bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and a layer of dust over everything. A skinny weasel in a khaki outfit immediately starts in as Fox comes into the living room: WEASEL Obviously, it’s first growth, indigenous. Original dirt floor, good bark, skipping stone hearth -- Weasel is interrupted by a loud banging clank. He and Fox peer into the next room. A heavy-set opossum with a cowlick 8. tinkers with some pipes under the kitchen sink. He is Kylie. Weasel snaps at him: WEASEL What’d I tell you? I’m showing the property. You’re not supposed to be here. KYLIE (checking his watch) Oh, cuss. What time is it? I’m sorry. Weasel sighs. He waves his arm in Kylie’s direction and says distractedly, slightly annoyed: WEASEL This is Kylie. He’s the super. (aside to Fix) He’s a little -- Weasel makes a fluttering gesture with his paw. Fox nods. He points at a bucket on the floor next to Kylie among bolts, tools, and washers. FOX What’s in the bucket, Mr. Kylie? KYLIE (hesitates) Just minnows. You want one? FOX Certainly. Thank you. Kylie reaches into his bucket and hands Fox a live, wriggling minnow. Fox swallows it whole. He walks back into the living room. He looks around skeptically. FOX It’s not exactly an evergreen, is it? Aren’t there any pines on the market this side of the river? WEASEL (condescending) Pines are pretty hard to come by in your price range. FOX (distracted) What’s that? Fox crosses to the window. He stares out at three sprawling poultry compounds in the distance. Black smoke pours out of a farmhouse chimney on each property. A sign on a water tower 9. in the first compound reads Boggis Farms and has a picture of a chicken on it. A sign on a silo in the second compound reads Bunce Industries and has a picture of a goose on it. A sign on a windmill in the third compound reads Bean, inc. (since 1976) and has a picture of a turkey with an apple on it. Weasel says pointedly from across the room: WEASEL May I ask what you do for a living, Mr. Fox? Fox’s eyes narrow as he looks out, entranced, with his mouth slightly open. He says almost inaudibly: FOX I used to steal birds, but now I’m a newspaper man. WEASEL (pleased) Oh, sure. I’ve seen your by-line. Fox snaps out of his reverie and says suddenly: FOX Good afternoon, gentlemen. Fox shakes hands abruptly with Weasel and starts across the room. Weasel is about to ask something when Fox stops in the doorway, looks back, and says: FOX Oh, and Kylie -- thank you for the minnow. It was superb. Kylie smiles. Fox exits. EXT. RIVER. DAY A beaver dam across a bend in a fast stream. A still pond sits above it. There is an entrance tunnel tucked beneath a rock. INT. BEAVER DAM. DAY A large room of twig, stick, and mud construction. A card on the door reads Badger, Beaver, and Stoat, L.L.P, Attorneys at Law. An anxious badger sits at his desk reviewing some documents. There is a tape-recorder in front of him. Fox paces the floor with his hands clasped behind his back.