VOLUME 21 NUMBER 1 ee ee From the Editor Jenny Atkinson Cambridge, Massachusetts The story of Esther has always been my favorite decision but still ask, “What will people think?” in the Bible. When I was young I read a fic- Although I know it is inevitable, I don’t like Editor Jenny Atkinson tionalized account called Behold Your Queen by the idea that people—especially people who Design Editor Sarah Bush Gladys Malvern. This version, as | remember it, know little about Exponent [/—will form an Managing Editor Kristen Graves portrayed Esther as a beautiful and pure maiden opinion of me simply because I’ve chosen to Database Manager Barbara Streeper Taylor Web Page Design Sarah Farmer who had no reason to believe her life would be edit this paper. Back Issues Stacy Schlutzmeyer anything except ordinary. When the king Last year, soon after I learned I would be Book Reviews Kate Holbrook announced his search for a queen, Esther was editing Exponent IT, I heard a talk in church Readers Committee Lynn Matthews Anderson persuaded to participate in the beauty pageant- which I thought would make a great article for Linda Andrews like try-out, Out ofa ll the women in the king- the paper. I approached the woman who had Sue Booth-Forbes dom, the king chose Esther. A fairy tale from spoken and timidly asked her if she had heard Diane Brown the Bible! of Exponent II. When she replied that she had, Connie S. Chow Luckily, the story goes on and as I grew up, I asked, “Do you have a negative impression?” Allison Clark I read the account in the Bible and became I was stunned by what I heard myself say. I had Nancy T. Dredge interested in other aspects of the plot. Now the worked on Exponent II for over six years Judy Dushku Linda Eastley story is my favorite because of an event which because I believed in the purpose of the paper Sarah Farmer happens after Esther becomes a queen. When and felt committed to helping create a place Linda Hoffman Kimball she learns of a plan to destroy her people—the where people could write honestly about their Anne Lantz Jews—she quickly and bravely chooses to take ideas and experiences. Yet instead of expressing Margaret Maughan action and save them. I often think about my love for the paper and my conviction about Leslee Thorne-Murphy Esther when I have a difficult decision to make. what it represents in conversation with this Allison Pingree Choosing often fills me with anxiety. woman, I conveyed both uncertainty and fear. Stacy Schlutzmeyer Making one choice means losing a chance to At that moment I chose to change my Heather Sundahl make other choices often other good choices. behavior. I realized that to be truly committed Photography Diane Brown By choosing to edit Exponent IT, 1 won't have to Exponent IT meant that I would show my Sarah Bush Connie S. Chow time to do something else I may want to do—at excitement about the paper before I knew Stacy Schlutzmeyer least for now. Other times choosing means whether or not another person shared my opin- jumping into the unknown. I recently read all ion. I would choose to act based on what I felt SPECIAL PROJECTS the comments from the surveys returned to us was right rather than based on a fear about how Best of Exponent Cheryl Howard by Exponent II readers. | find myself wondering other people might react. if and how it is possible for Exponent IT to satisfy Now, I think about Esther. When she chose EXECUTIVE BOARD a group of readers who hold such a wide range to act, she had no assurance that her actions President Karen Call Haglund of expectations, beliefs, and experiences. I would save her people. She was aware of the Secretary Robin Zenger Baker believe it is possible, but I don’t know for sure. possible consequences of her choice. With this Treasurer Linda Andrews Sometimes a personal choice intersects with knowledge she planned, asked for support from Historian Cheryl Howard Members Jenny Atkinson public perception. We may feel good about our her friends and her God, and acted. g Sue Booth-Forbes Nancy T. Dredge Judy Dushku Knisten Graves Linda Hoffman Kimball What's Inside... Eileen Perry Lambert Sylvia Russell Carrel Hilton Sheldon Barbara Streeper Taylor Year of the Bad Haircut Bunal Places For My Mother Anna Haglund Karen Rosenbaum Diane Graves page 4 page 10 page 15 | Exponent IT (ISSN 1094-7760) is published quarterly by Exponent II Incorporated, a non-profit corpora- Personal Pilgrimage Chicago Poems IV goodness gracious tion with no official connection with The Church Marilyn Damron White Shari S. Crall Linda Hoffman Kimball ofJe sus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Articles pub- page 4 page 12 page 16 lished represent the opinions of authors only and not Women of the House Grandma Sisters Speak necessarily those of the editor or staff. Letters to JR. Leishman Lynda D. Avery Robin Zenger Baker Exponent II or its editors are assumed intended for page 6 page 13 Judy Dushku publication in whole or in part and may therefore be page 16 | used for such purposes. Subscriptions USA $15/yr; Reader’s Survey Strong-Minded Women | International $23/yr. Send address changes to page 6 The Woman's Exponent Book Reviews page 14 Debra Blakely Exponent II, P.O. Box 128 Arlington, MA 02174. Fear Not, I am With Thee Melinda Evans Margaret Maughan CyberSpace Jerrie Hurd Copynght © 1997 by Exponent II Incorporated. All page 8 Kristen Graves page 18 rights reserved. page 14 Favorite Memones Absolutes Ruth N. Dickson Beckie Kearl The purpose of Exponent II is to promote sisterhood by page 9 page 19 providing a forum for Mormon women to share their life experiences in an atmosphere oft rust and acceptance, Our common bond is our connection to the Mormon Church and our commitment to women in the Church. The courage and spirit of women challenge and inspire us to | examine and shape the direction ofo url ives. Wea rec onfi- dent that this open forum will result in positcihvanege . PAGE 2 EXPONENT Il FALL 1997 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Dear Exponent, issue made me more aware that 1) frankly, I knew there were many of us. I thought that you would be pleased to know would prefer my children to choose heterosex- As the years have gone on, I realize even that the prize money [for the Helen Candland uality because it is complicated enough; 2) LDS more how important it is to bring the more Stark Personal Essay Contest] was given to an authorities have done their fair share of bashing “controversial” topics out into the open and not organization serving the women and children of homosexuals; 3) homosexuals have been hide them. The issue devoted to homosexuality Bangeladesh. Twelve women received loans to dumped on in unchnistian ways by bishops and and how it affects members of the Church (Vol. begin businesses. Four women joined together others called to lovingly “judge” them; 4) LDS 20, No. 1) was sorely needed. When my ex- and opened a store selling food items, pots and homosexuals, like other homosexuals I’ve seen husband came out to me in 1992, I was devas- pans, etc. It is very successful! So you see, on television and in magazines, champion a tated, of course, and so very alone in my grief. Exponent IT has had a part in this—and that cause I just don’t agree with. The sister who It was such a big secret (he was a professor at should give great satisfaction. wants insurance benefits and adoption privileges BYU, so the secret had to be protected until he had arguments that appealed only to my left could get another job), and I felt I was the only Laurel Madsen brain. When push comes to shove, I don’t want one this had ever happened to. But, slowly and Fort Collins, Colorado tax monies spent to support lifestyles that bene- with much effort, I was able to contact others Dear Exponent IT Editors, fit one generation: it's too short-sighted a poli- who helped me tremendously. Bringing this out I read the issue that focused on homosexuality cy, benefiting the homosexual couple only. in the open has surely helped many others who in the LDS community from cover to cover. I Probably nothing can convince me that children have found themselves in the same situation. was simultaneously fascinated and repulsed. need two parents of the same sex. 1 hope Exponent II will become an even Because you have asked for feedback, I’ve given Reading the homosexuality issue broadened stronger voice for truth and reason, even if it is my response some more thought. my vicarious experience. It was a discussion I'd uncomfortable for active Mormons. Keep up Conversations about sexuality, either hetero- love to see, but probably won't, in the Ensign. the wonderful work you do at the Exponent or homo-, seem to me to be fraught with risks While I didn’t agree with every perspective, I and great success to you as you change the and uncertainties. Last week this subject came knew I needed to read each one. Keep up the guard at the editorial level. up between me and another LDS mother when good work. Thanks for your courage! Janice Robertson her young daughter happened to ask me if Sharon E. Vasicek Orem, Utah “sex” was a bad word and a sinful thing to do. Westfield, Massachusetts Dear Exponent Il, The subsequent conversation between me and the other mother was polite but tense. We To the new Editor, I thoroughly enjoy every issue of Exponent I. decided that in the future, should her daughter The reader’s survey was a great idea. I didn’t No matter what the subject, it is always timely ask me questions on this subject, I would send have enough room to tell you what a joy it has and increases my understanding of other her home to her mother. On the other hand, I been to be a subscriber these many years. For so women. It also relieves my moments of loneli- asked this mother that if any of my children long in my membership in the church, I felt ness at church (I’m a college professor, one of should ask her such questions, to answer them isolated because I didn’t feel that the Church those dreaded, questioning “‘intellectuals”) and and let me know they had asked. We agreed to valued women as much as men. We were paid gives me the courage and knowledge to support disagree and to honor each other’s wishes lip service, in my opinion. I also felt that a lot women in my branch whose trials are different It was a brave thing to publish an issue of history was sanitized. When I discovered from mine. Thank you so much for your efforts devoted to homosexuality. I don’t have direct “alternate” voices such as the people who wrote on behalf of the women of our church. experience with this lifestyle in any of the and published magazines like yours, Sunstone, Ann Barrott Wicks several LDS wards I’ve lived in. Reading this and Dialogue, | found like-minded people and Oxford, Ohio The Exponent Retreat weekend held at Hillsboro Camp (see cover picture) was spent relaxing, thinking, eat- ing, and enjoying each others company. Elizab eth Davis-Edwards shared the following during the culminat- ing Quaker Meeting: As we were sitting around the dining hall yesterday throwing out ways we could help Exponent IT thrive, I was struck by the intense power resonating in that room from each of you. Suddenly, I was sure this group of women could solve any problem; handed the national deficit, world hunger, or racial injustice, we would find the answer if we put our heads and energies together. I want to speak to how we can utilize this power, this energy that is alive and awake in each of us to effect CHANGE. We all want to make change happen especially for women: women in the church, women next door and around the world, the women within ourselves. I believe the most effective way to make change is to rid ourselves of the “they” syndrome. I’ve heard and made many references myself to that effect, “I’m not a traditional Mormon woman—I don’t have anything in common with them.” I believe this thinking severely lessens our power to make change; because we fail to recognize the power that lies in others. For it is only by tapping the power of others that real change is wrought There is no “they,” only one big “we.” We are all spread along the vast continuum ofl ife. Some are here, some are there, but there are no lines to divide us. There is no traditional Mormon woman, just as there 1s no traditional woman. If we truly want to change the world for women, we must meet each woman where she is, recognize her worth, take her hand, and steady her as she expands her world and takes that next scary step up I’m so grateful for your strength, wisdom, and passion. Many of you will serve as my role models throughout this coming year as I continue to uncover myself. I do believe that the women in this room can and will change the world. I thank you for the beautiful faces and fiery eyes that have been burned into my brain and will continue to fortify me. Elizabeth Davis-Edwards Melrose, Massachusetts VOLUME 21 NUMBER1 PAGE 3 The Year of the Bad Haircut (Otherwise Known as “Life after College”) Anna Hesiod Somerville, Massachusetts As I was doing the obligatory perusal of trashy mucho independence by cutting it to my all year, and I tried numerous styles with slight periodicals in the supermarket line last week, I shoulders. Two years later, the inevitable variations in color (all blond, of course, what couldn't help but see an article on the cover of eighth grade perm catapulted me into the right else is there?). Allure magazine entitled “Are You Your Hair? social circle. In high school, this circle split in Graduation marked the end of many things, The connection between the mane and self- two, with the signifying marker being an most notably direction for my life and satisfac- esteem.” I didn’t have time to read it, as alleged disinterest in hair and make-up (a fran- tion with my hair. I arrived home on May Glamour's feature entitled “The Secrets of tic attempt to avoid the damning “high-main- 20th with no plans and, even worse, no hair- Men: What Turns Them On, What Terrifies tenance” label). This New England prep look dresser. Thinking this was only a temporary Them, and What They Yearn For” was far too carried me into college in California, where I arrangement (how foolish), I remained at enticing. But I wondered about my hair as I was part of a large minority, comprised of home, in limbo for the entire summer. Just as was putting my groceries in the car. And as I fellow easterners and those from the Pacific August unfurled its hot and humid glory, my pulled out of the parking lot. And as I drove Northwest. Southern California, I soon plans to move to DC with friends came home. Am I my hair? Am I? discovered, is all about maintenance. unglued, because we lost the cohesive desire Coming into the house, I caught a glimpse I kept my hair long, but after an introduc- and nerve necessary to sign a lease without an of my reflection in the window. Okay, so it’s tion to the hairdryer/diffuser combo (a duo as anticipated income. true that I do invest some serious time and important as chocolate and peanut butter), I Life without plans lacks glamour. And there money in my hair. I worry about it in the rain achieved the carefully coiffed curls of Seinfeld’s was nothing planned or glamourous about my and have changed plans or styles because of the (and, not incidentally, L’Oreal’s) Elaine. In the situation. I had no prospects, no ideas, and weather. Occasionally I have missed a bus anticipation of change, I cut my hair to my very few friends in the area. In a desperate while spending the eternal “last” minute per- chin the summer before senior year. Arnving attempt to alleviate oncoming depression, I fecting it. That doesn’t mean that I am literally at school that fall, I lightened it and learned to made an appointment to get my hair cut (why my hair. Actually, it’s often the other way make it straight. Short, blond, and straight not? It had worked in college). around: sometimes my hair is me. seemed radically different after having had long Casually confident of my ability to look like My hair has often represented significant curly hair for seven consecutive years. My Winona Ryder or Mia Farrow, or some other milestones in my life. In sixth grade I exercised new-found bravery allowed experimentation icon of gorgeous hairlessness, I told my hair- Personal Pilgrimage Facing Life with Humor and Hope Marilyn Damron White Bothell, Washington The following edited excerpts are from a talk given happened a second time, I gathered my courage (paraphrased—Callahan, p. 72). Why this by Marilyn Damron White on May 31, 1997, and said to myself, “Marilyn, you can either human tendency to want what we don’t have? when she was awarded the Lifetime Pilgrim Award snorkel or you can stand here and feel sorry for In my case, the book helped me focus on the by the Utah Pilgrimage organization. Ms. White yourself, but you can’t do both.” I chose to things I still have and can still do. Even though has had multiple sclerosis since December of 1993. swim. I had that huge setback in the summer of 1996, While doing my laps last month, I recalled a I can still read, play the piano, crochet, interact Good comedy is hard to write, which I discov- funny story told during a combined Relief with my children and spouse, and snorkel. ered as I began my personal pilgrimage to write Society/Priesthood meeting on Easter Sunday. Focusing on the positive skills one has is akin handicapped humor in preparation for this talk This time I laughed so hard that I got a faceful to another favorite pastime that my husband tonight. I’m currently pursuing a brand of of water in my snorkel. Laughter is a healer, but Lee and I have continued to play for almost ten Humor Therapy since it seems that most other a stand-up (or sit-down) comic, I am not. years now. We call it “Compared to What?” traditional and non-traditional treatments have I’ve thought a lot about the tendency to The object is to find something that’s not fallen short of my expectations. wish you were someone else, somewhere else, working in your life, like say double vision, loss A relevant experience happened during my or had something else other than what you do of equilibrium, or even trouble at work. Then humor quest. In the summer of 1996, I had a have—be it a job, a house, a spouse, or an ill- you say, “Which is worse? Losing mobility or major multiple sclerosis exacerbation. The only ness. A very astute but somewhat perverted car- constant ringing in your ears?” Or in Lee’s case physical fitness regime available to me for five toonist named John Callahan, who lives in the it might be, “Which is worse? Having to deal or six years had been swimming via snorkeling. Northwest, made me start pondering this again. with the gut-wrenching dilemmas ofs exual Because I never learned to swim the “real’’ way He is a 46-year-old quadriplegic and recovering misconduct in the workplace or having to with controlled breathing, snorkeling was a real alcoholic who wrote an autobiography called discipline a very productive staff member who gift. The lap counters tell me I swim about a Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot, which is happens to be active in the Christian-right mile a day, five days a week. I swim only for based on one of his cartoons that shows wheel- movement and who tore down an advertise- the non-competitive reasons: meditation, chair tracks in the dirt leading away from an ment in the employee lounge which promoted prayer, and aerobics. Old West-style bank robbery. A man in the a gay/lesbian film festival?” The last two months of that summer, my pursuing sheriff's posse delivers the punchline But there’s a larger dilemma in my life that daughters would drive me to the pool, push me book title. Callahan discovered through his isn’t as simplistic a philosophy as the singsong in the wheelchair to the end of the pool, and years of rehabilitation therapy that people in “Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the pick me up an hour or so later. One particularly iron lungs all wanna be quads, quads all wanna Negative” mentality. It’s much bigger than the sad day, I started crying while I was snorkeling be paras, paras all wanna be able-bodied, and all “Count Your Many Blessings,” “Don’t Worry, and ended up with a face full of water. After it of you able-bodied wanna be Jane Fonda! Be Happy,” or “Hakuna Matata” platitudes we PAGE 4 EXPONENT II FALL 1997 dresser to try “something different, something Publishing was not it, so I stopped intern- short.” But instead, as I gazed into the mirror, I wondered about ing. Retail life never is, was, or could be it for I saw an image more similar to Kern Strug my hair as I was me, but the part-time work was necessary for than anything else. I suppose that’s fine if the discount. Temping seemed to be a good you're sixteen, five foot nothing, and have just putting my gro- way to make contacts and get experience and won the Olympic gold. It is not okay if you has supplied me with enough plot lines for a ceries in the car. are attempting to portray a presentable, soon- new TV series. So I temped my way through to-be professional, college grad. What hope all of cold January and slushy February. I did I have with prospective employers if I interviewed whenever and wherever I could And as I pulled ooked better suited to the cover of a and sucked industry information from every Wheaties box than at my fashion alma mater out of the possible source. Ann Taylor? Nine months and twenty-two days after parking lot. So I decided to put off the job search for a graduation, I found a home in the financial ittle while (three inches to be exact). This district of downtown Boston at an investment haircut had momentarily suppressed any firm, surprising everyone, including myself. greedy corporate appetite I had, which was And as I drove The future is just as uncertain as it ever was. I okay for the next few months as I had just home. could stay here, get an MBA and send my anded an internship at the Boston Book Review. leftist, pinko, high-tax supporting parents to Located nght in Harvard Square, it suited my an early grave. Or, after much sweat, toil, and appearance far better than my retail job. AmI my tears, I could host a pinstripe burning bonfire So I sold clothes and proofread throughout in a fit of capitalist disgust. Who knows? But, the fall. My last haircut had put the fear of hair? as Allure magazine has promised, now that the God in me, and I vowed not to cut it till hair’s back, all I need is nonfat yogurt and aer- Easter. It slowly grew back, and by January I obics for lunch, and it’s up the corporate was ready to go. But where? Am I? ladder I go. 8 hear so much in word and song. My current I received my first electromagnetic device in an exacerbation. Without going into all the quandary epitomizes to me life’s paradoxes and April 24, 1996. The study of thirty patients gory details, mine landed me squarely in my perplexities in a way simple platitudes will took place in groups of eight—four with the wheelchair by mid-June. In fact, by the end of never do. active device and four with an inactive placebo. the study I held the dubious distinction of being Last year I participated in a human clinical For the first day and a half, I was sure I had the one who improved the most but then fell trial through the University of Washington. I been given a placebo. I detected no changes at the hardest. went in for my initial visit and brain-wave scan all. But when I woke up the third morning, I had my first panic attack one night when at U-Dub (as the University of Washington is what I’ve termed my “world view” was greatly Lee was out of town, complete with profuse affectionately referred to in Seattle). The lead modified. I could focus more accurately on sweating and racing heart. My nght leg went researcher, Dr. Todd Richards, asked what | did objects, which greatly affected my ability to rigid on me, and I couldn’t get out of my professionally, if anything, before some of the walk in a straighter line. When my daughter, waterbed or out from under my heavy down more debilitating effects of MS surfaced. I men- Lisa, came home from work for lunch, I comforter. tioned that my last job had been computer gushed, “Lisa, walk with me up to the mailbox, Then came the stunner a week later, on June inputting of a manuscript commissioned by the and don’t support me at all.” I was almost in 26. The study was “unblinded,” and the four of Women’s Research Institute at Brigham Young tears by the time we finished our trek of about us experiencing setbacks were all on the place- University. He asked, “You aren’t by any 200 uphill feet. When Lee got home from a bos! Something was drastically wrong, and Dr chance LDS, are you?” When I answered in the business trip the next day, I surprised him with Richards wasn’t sure what. His voice sounded affirmative, he said, “Well, you’re speaking with an almost eighth of a mile unassisted stroll frantic and confused. I felt sorry for him. He the Ist Counselor in the Lake Forest Park Ward around a couple of cul-de-sacs kept repeating how much they were learning bishopric.” I couldn’t believe my luck. Lake Dr. Richards faxed my early journal entries from the study. I was thoroughly bewildered. I Forest Park was five minutes from my house; to the FDA. He was convinced as well that I wanted to rage and scream, “Learn on some- and his daughter eventually drove me to a few probably did not have the placebo, but he did body else!” but I was numb and worried. It’s of my appointments. I began to feel positively not know for sure because it was a double blind significant and ironic to me now that the led to this scientist and began to fantasize that study. I had been working with a physical ther- dictionary defines a placebo as “a harmless, my help on this study would be a first step to apist who dubbed my improvement in just two unmedicated preparation given as a medicine to finding a cure for this insidious disease. I even days’ time “nothing short of miraculous.” She humor a patient.” I’m still grasping for that had great hope that it was perhaps my destiny said she had never seen anything like it in all humor. in life to be a human guinea pig in this venture her years of practice. I knew I was on my way to severe depres- that would be a catalyst for more miracles of At the seven-week mark, three others in my sion. On July 5, Lee and Dr. Richards gave me modern science. group of eight testers and I began experiencing a priesthood blessing in the lab. I received “VOLUME 21 NUMBER1 PAGE5 peace of mind, but I still had much confusion added a drug called Methotrexate that is used in Reader’s Survey and many unanswerable questions. I think all cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, and other auto- our lives are filled with incongruities and per- immune disease treatments. It’s not making my plexities—mine no more than yours hair fall out, and it seems to be helping enough Thank you! From the surveys mailed out to our Throughout the remainder of 1996, I to continue, but doctors can’t be certain about current readership at the beginning of the sum- improved physically and emotionally. I stayed long-range effects. In life, no one can be certain mer, we received a significant 35% response on the device until Dr. Richards admitted there of the long-range effects rate! You have helped us update our under- was “no statistically significant improvement” What I do know is that the Lord still loves standing of who is interested in subscribing to except in two minor areas. During the same me even through my afflictions. I feel that He Exponent IT; what age groups we are reaching, time, I was having a side effect I didn’t like weeps with me in my tmials but is not willing along with marital status; your definition of Now I’m getting around the house with my right now to remove them. Maybe it’s similar church activity; and why you read the paper cane or grabbing onto walls and furniture, and | to your trials. But I firmly believe it is still my You have also provided us with excellent rec- use the chair, too. It’s handy in the kitchen after course to try to relish and even savor, if possi- ommendations on how to improve the paper as I've been standing for more than 15 minutes. ble, life’s ambiguities. In my personal pilgrimage a forum for enriching each other as women My new neurologist, Dr. Dunn, has been very on this earth, I’m going to tap into whatever with different outlooks and backgrounds aggressive with my treatment. I’m now on a emotional reserves I possess that will allow me Some of you have probably completed beta interferon drug called Avonex and give to grapple with life’s abstruseness first and fore- Exponent II surveys in the past. You may be myself intramuscular injections once a week most with humor—then integrity, dignity, and interested to compare some of the results “then He has even been willing to let me try the love. This is my hope for each of us as we and now.” Two past surveys yielded a very high “cocktail” approach of combining drugs. I’ve muddle through life’s uncertainties together. ® response rates (49% and 37%). We have found that there is still little change in the marital sta- tus of our readership (currently, 79% are mar- The Women of The House ried and 5.1% single compared to 87% marned and 7% single in a previous survey). As reported Irene is in the parlor with the ice-pick, probing Her tear ducts, trying to find in past surveys, the majority of our readers Where the sadness comes from; tonight cover a twenty-year age span. Currently, 23.4% She thinks she'll reach the bottom of the salt are between 40 and 49 years of age, while Water well; she will tear 31.3% are between 50 and 59. The highest pro- Up its stone floor. portion of our readers are between 45 and 54 What lies sleeping beneath (31.5%). In comparison, only 2.3% of our cur- She will murder; she will stab rent readers are women who are between 20 Out its dark heart and inky liver. and 29. In a past survey, 4% of readers were She knows she will bleed women between 18 and 25 Black tears for days, But it won't be sadness. We decided to report feedback from the It will be a merry, ebony wake. current survey over two issues of Exponent I. When neighbors inquire This issue will cover quantitative topics, while She will smile and sigh, the next issue will cover the more qualitative “Oh, just cheap mascara.” responses. You may be asking how we define quantitative and qualitative. Quantitative feed- Kate is in the hallway with the electrical tape, fixing back includes learning about the demographic Her heart, not a glass one or ceramic, profile of Exponent IT readers But a modern, sturdy plastic one. It hung On a blue ribbon tied to her breast bone. gender There were three tiny yellow birds age Inside; they squooze through the crack marital status Yesterday but turned into water where raised during the formative years When they hit the air; they fell baptized member of the LDS church To the hard wood floor like fat tears. raised in the church or convert Kate pushed some green caterpillars inside self-definition of activity level The crack. She is taping the plastic length of time reading Exponent IT Heart up like a black cocoon. subscriber or “borrower” of the paper When she is done, she will hang it back on the blue ribbon; Qualitative feedback includes She knows in the spring why you choose to read Exponent I] She will hear it beat again. your favorite sections of Exponent IT what you consider important topics covered in June is in the sewing room with the scissors, cutting Past issues Out a new soul from two yards of pink recommended topics for future issues Chiffon. Her old soul was of blue organdy; recommended changes in content It was so stiff and scratchy; it made her agressive recommended changes in design And so assertive. This new soul any additional comments Will bring the men with roses and chocolates: Milk chocolates with raspberry Breaking down the feedback in this manner Centers in a heart-shaped box. provides a clear profile of who our readership She is cutting out the fingers is. In contrast, the qualitative feedback tells us Now, very carefully. Soon what you think of Exponent [/—your opinions, She will wear this soul on her back beneath thoughts, and suggestions for improving the A white cotton shirt, tucked into a blue paper. We have included a sampling of your Wool skirt; she will hold the transparent Rosey hands in her fleshy white comments and thoughts to help whet your Fists and sigh low and sadly: already appetite for the next issue - The edges have begun to fray. lam quite conservative In my opinions and adherence to gospel principles, but I enjoy different perspectives J.R. Leishman Provo, Utah and can often relate to others’ feelings The paper PAGE 6 EXPONENT Il FALL 1997 gives me the opportunity to think about issues, and in most cases, strengthens my resolve to be actively involved in the Church. Robyn Anderson I feel that much of the content of Exponent II is somewhat tame. I get the feeling that the writers are self-censoring. I would love the paper to reflect a more honest and open dialogue about religious, Gender personal, and family matters Alysa Revell Male 4.2% Keep up the good work. We women of the Church Female 93.0% need to be able to relate to each other as we really are and not as we ought to be according to the prin- ciple opfe rfection. We need to shed our “foyer faces” Age and be accepted for who we really are. We struggle with many things within the ‘silent chambers of the 20 - 29 Years-old heart.” Reading others experiences and thoughts 30 - 39 Years-old and struggles and pains and joys gives us courage 40 - 49 Years-old 23.4% and strength to carry our own burdens and gives a 50 - 59 Years-old 31.3% chance to feel not so alone and to weep for a 60 - 69 Years-old 18.8% moment when others experiences or thoughts paral- lel our own lives. Also, we learn more compassion 70 - 79 Years-old for each ofo ur sisters in their diverse circumstances 80 - 89 Years-old when we can see into their hearts Anonymous Area Raised I really like the balance in Exponent II. Jt ts All over the U.S. important to share our questions and struggles with- out having to proclaim belonging to a “camp” (such South as the loyal opposition, “iron rodders,” and so forth) Foreign I strongly believe in the goals of the Church but Midwest often question whether the approach of the organi- Northwest zational Church matches the stated gospel goals. 1 East think many women in the church could benefit from Exponent II and the honesty (even if occa- Non-Utah West 32.8% sionally painful) displayed in its pages. Utah 34.9% Unfortunately, there seems to be an attitude among many members that anything beyond the Ensign will be harmful to testimony building. I find my testimony 1s strengthened by Exponent Il. It is Former LDS heartening to know there are many women like me Non-LDS who want to participate in perfecting the Church Convert Terry Evanson Baptized and Raised LDS 1 am the RS president of 278 women in a very diverse ward. Your essays have helped me listen to Self-Defined Activity my sisters with an understanding I don't have from personal experienc é. I dont always agree, but at Not Active 7.6% least I can assure sisters they are not the only ones to Semi-active 10.7% have had certain problems or feelings Active 77.3% Anonymous I enjoy reading Exponent Il. Id hardly change Years Reading Exponent II anything. I am interested in how other women study, think about, and implement the gospel of 1 - 2 Years 4.1% Christ in their lives. The fundamental assumption 3 - 5 Years 15 % of the gospel is that people can change. How are other women finding strength and courage to make 6 - 15 Years 38.7% these changes? How are women passing on their 16 - 20 Years 38.7% spiritual wisdom to their children? These are issues common not only to LDS women but also to Marital Status women off aith in all cultures and throughout history. Single-sex Partners Maunne Watkins Single Thank you for taking the time to complete Widowed the survey, for sharing of yourselves, and for Married 79.0% providing suggestions on how to make Exponent IT an even better paper Until the next issue VOLUME 21 NUMBER1 PAGE 7 Fear Not, | am With Thee Finding Strength in Hymns Margaret Maughan Cinbridee Dieciosces When I consider the reasons for singing hymns other things, too. You'll be sorry.” At the time were limited. I didn’t dare go outside my build- in worship services, I always think of aC hurch I discounted his vague threat; I felt he was try- ing to seek help; I felt safer inside my apartment member I read about who was deaf. Her ward ing to have the last word in the argument. at that late hour. My lack of neighbors in the had no sign language translator, and she rarely A few days later, however, I received an building, which had seemed so advantageous could get a seat at the front of the chapel in anonymous message warning me that my land- when I had wanted to practice music in my order to lip-read the speakers. Nonetheless, she lord had arranged for someone to break into home without disturbing others, now was a dis- attended Church meetings faithfully and seemed my apartment late that night to harm me physi- advantage because there was no one to help to enjoy them very much. One day someone cally. This note was credible to me because it me. I had no working telephone because, asked her what she got from the services, since mentioned specifics about me; I believed the unwisely, I had already had my telephone dis- she could not receive the messages of the speak- writer knew my landlord. I became concerned connected, believing I was being efficient about ers. She smiled and said, “I can read the words and showed the note to the police that after- taking care of my utilities before moving and of the hymns as you sing them. The hymns are noon. Although they tried to reassure me, there not foreseeing any need to call for help. And if my sermons.” Like this woman, I have received was little they could actually do, because my an intruder were to get in, there seemed to be a number of sermons from the hymns over the landlord was not there to question and the no way of eluding him because my apartment years. police had only the short note for information. had no fire escape as it should have had. The Many times the message of a hymn or even only way out was the same way the intruder just a phrase of one has been exactly what I would be trying to come in. All these factors needed at a given moment. One such incident ths Ficm a Foundation were in my mind as I considered my situation, occurred a number ofy ears ago, when I was I was pacing up and they added up to just one conclusion: I was living in New York City. trapped. At that time I was not active in the Church. I felt extremely vulnerable at that moment, and down, I had had lifelong involvement with despite having jammed the front door keyhole, Mormonism—growing up in an active LDS and I tried desperately to think of additional thinking “What family, graduating from BYU, and serving self-defense measures. Suddenly some ideas enthusiastically in ward callings. But in my late occurred to me, and I hastily made the prepara- am I going to 20s I started realizing that although I enjoyed tions. First, I turned on all the lights in my being in the Church, the gospel itself didn’t apartment, thinking light might deter an intrud- do?” It didn't really mean anything to me. I had wanted to er. Next, I removed one of the storm windows believe Church teachings and had tned hard to in my bedroom and laid the glass across the believe them. I didn’t disbelieve them. But I occur to me to bottom of the stairs that led up to my apart- just had no personal feeling for the gospel. So ment, fitting the pane snugly into the stairwell. SLI pray. Sol when at one point I became offended with a I then put my coat and purse beside the open few ward members, it was easy to become inac- bedroom window. If someone were to break Cee - didngo' tot t he tive. After that, I continued living the basic into my home, I reasoned, he would either lifestyle of a Latter-day Saint, but I wanted no have to step through the window pane or else more involvement with the Church, choosing ————_ Lord. But He move it in order to get up the stairs into my instead to concentrate on my music ambitions. apartment. Either way, it would give me Any religious practices—attending church, pay- Seer S aaa came to me. enough time to rush to the bedroom, grab my ing tithing, or even praying—were things in coat and purse, climb out of the window, drop which I had no interest. And He did so from the third floor down to the pavement, and Shortly before relocating from New York, I then, if Ih adn’t injured myselfi n the fall, hurry had a dispute with my landlord, an attorney in a way that to the 24-hour diner two blocks away and call who owned real estate. My apartment was the the police from there. entire third floor, the top floor, of av ery small was very recog- The escape plan didn’t seem like a great idea building. The second floor was my landlord’s even at the time, but it was better than no plan small law office, which was not occupied after nizable to me. at all. I thought—or perhaps simply hoped—it business hours. The first floor was rented to an might work. I placed a chair at the top oft he actor who was often gone. So usually I was the stairs so that I could sit there and watch my only one in the building at night. I had been front door if I heard anything suspicious. I angry with my landlord for some time because I As the day progressed, I became more and wanted to know immediately if someone broke felt he had been neglectful; despite repeated more concerned. At ten o'clock that evening, in. requests for him to correct the problems in my my landlord came into his office on the second Despite these preparations, | still felt tremen- apartment, no action had been taken. He, in floor, stayed briefly, and then left, leaving the dously apprehensive. By about 11:30 p.M., I was turn, was angry at me for mentioning these front door to the building unlocked, something pacing up and down my apartment, thinking, matters to him so often; he is from a culture he had specifically warned me many times not “What am I going to do if he comes? What am outside the United States where women do not to do. When I realized it was unlocked, I was I going to do?” It didn’t occur to me to pray; I argue with men. So, a number of days before horrified. I quickly locked it again and jammed simply didn’t think ofi t. So I didn’t go to the moving from New York, when I tried again to my key into the keyhole from my side of the Lord. But He came to me. And He did so in a discuss the apartment problems with him, the door so that an intruder would not be able to way that was very recognizable to me. As I discussion quickly became a very heated argu- pick the lock from the outside. continued pacing up and down, I started notic- ment. Finally, my landlord walked away from By this time I was very alarmed. I went back ing some words coming to my mind. At first I me, saying that he was going to take legal into my apartment, locked my front door, and didn’t know which words they were. I was action against me. He then added, “I’ll do some tried to determine what to do. My options very focused on protecting myself, and I didn’t PAGE 8 EXPONENT Il FALL 1997 want to divert my attention from that. But the I wish I could say that that feeling of reassur- will never end,” as I listened to the intruder’s words continued to come, and finally I turned ance remained with me the rest of the night. increasingly angry, frustrated attempts to pick my attention to them. The words were: But about ten minutes later, when I heard the the lock and force the door open. I think main- Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not afraid, for I first scratching sounds at the front door of the ly that, when I really needed some extraordi- am thy God, and will still give thee aid. I'll building and knew someone was trying to get nary help, the Lord came to help me, even strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to in, I was frightened. I sat in the chair at the top when I didn’t ask Him to do so, and I remem- stand, upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand. of the stairs and stared down the staircase at my ber how much I appreciated that. I had known front door, where on the other side was the and loved the hymn “How Firm a Foundation” These words, of course, are the third verse of front door of the building and the intruder. As I for years. When those words came to me, I felt “How Firm a Foundation.” However, the ver- listened to the quiet, sporadic sounds of some- I could believe and trust the message. sion that came to me was changed a bit. In the one trying to pick the lock, I could scarcely My feelings about the Church did not hymn book, the words are breathe, fearing that at any moment I would see change immediately as a result of this incident. Fear not, I am with thee; my would-be assailant coming through the It was several months later when I first contact- oh, be not dismayed. (emphasis mine) doorway. I sat in the chair, staring down the ed ward leaders and began Church activity But the words that came to me were staircase and more or less holding my breath, again. But in retrospect, I can see that this Fear not, I am with thee; for more than 2 1/2 hours, as the intruder tried experience was an initial step in finally having a oh, be not afraid. (emphasis mine) unsuccessfully to break into my home. personal feeling for the gospel. I hadn’t wanted The words of this hymn seemed specific to By about 5:30 a.M., as it got lighter outside to be with the Lord during my five years of and I realized I hadn’t heard any sounds for inactivity. But He had wanted to be with me my situation. They came in a calm, reassuring way but also with tremendous power and nearly three hours, it seemed clear that the per- and manifested that when I faced the most seri- son had gone. I turned off the lights, feeling ous challenge I had ever faced, communicating authority. In the midst of my great anxiety and comforted by the approaching dawn. I then to me through music, that which I had confusion, this message came as a clarifying truth to me and also as a promise of powerful moved the chair away from the stairs, closed the embraced when I had turned away from Him. bedroom window, and sank down onto the I had always believed in God, but had never protection. As soon as I realized what the words were, I started saying them to myself along with bed, exhausted. before felt much connection to Him. His what I could hear coming to my mind. I said When I think oft hat night, I don’t think unexpected reaching out to me that night mainly of the paltry, and probably impractica- brought me closer to Him then. Remembering the words over and over, almost like a chant. And I started to feel calmer and believe that ble, self-defense measures I had prepared. Nor this experience has brought me even closer to everything would be all nght. do I mainly recall how I thought, “This night Him since. @ Favorite Memories Ruth N. Dickson Salt Lake City, Utah I was intrigued by an experiment that I heard days before “contour”), we would crawl on memories was productive, interactive, and cer- Carolyn Tanner Irish, the newly ordained top, and she would place the top sheet, blan- tainly inexpensive. Episcopal Bishop in Utah, explain in a talk at kets, and then a quilt over us. I remember clos- I was anxious to try this experiment on our the University of Utah. She mentioned that she ing my eyes and enjoying the increasing own children. My oldest son immediately said had at one time asked her children what their warmth. his memory was of, when he cut his little sister's best memories of growing up were. She Another brother remembered when my hair and we didn’t get mad. Another responded assumed they would say, “Our trip to father would bring a truckful of pea vines to that his favorite thing was when I read to them Disneyland” or mention some special expensive our yard. We would pick the pods from the in the car as we traveled. Another child remem- Christmas gift or some object she had spent vines and then laboriously shell the peas. bered playing made-up games with silly rules time and money to obtain for them. She was One of my favorite memories was of can- composed as we went along. Someone else surprised to hear them recall simple, almost- ning produce in the fall. I think I liked this remembered sitting on top of the roof to watch forgotten events. From their responses, she sur- time of peeling the peaches (or pears or toma- the fireworks on the Fourth ofJ uly. Another mised that these “best” times had three things in toes), placing them in steamed bottles, adding said she liked hearing me read by Coleman common: 1) they were productive; 2) they the boiled water, and placing them in an enamel lantern as we camped in a tent. The mention of were interactive; and 3) they were inexpensive canner for processing because as we bottled the camping trips may have triggered the next or even free. fruit, we talked. response by her sister, who said she liked doing As a result of her talk, I decided to conduct My mother’s favorite memory was walking the dishes camp-style. This involved heating my own experiment. At a family gathering, I to the home of her grandfather, who was an the water over the camp fire or on the camp asked my siblings to name their most memo- avid reader. She would plead, “Grandpa, please stove, getting out the dish towels, and chatting rable experiences growing up. No one men- read to me,” and without pausing he would lift as we productively, interactively, inexpensively tioned Christmas or a birthday or a graduation. her to his lap and continue reading—this time, talked together while we got the dishes done. Instead, one brother immediately said, “What I aloud—from his technical book or one of the At the end of our discussions, my husband, liked best was when Mother would make the classics. She didn’t understand the words but it who remembered shelling out a lot of cash for bed over us.” When my mother would get was still one of her favorite memonies. presents or the “perfect vacation,” turned to me ready to put clean sheets on the beds, she My siblings’ and mother’s memones con- and asked, “How come no one mentioned would put on the bottom sheet (this was in the firmed Carolyn Insh’s theory. Each of their going to Disneyland?” & VOLUME 21 NUMBER1 PAGE 9 FICTION Burial Places Karen Rosenbaum Kensington, California Maren lay on her stomach on Uncle Gus'’s back of you after you've been underground a year?” herself with a Photoplay magazine and the great lawn and knotted dandelion chains while she “Shh,” Mom whispered. “Maren’s out aunts emerged like moths out of their backseat waited for her cousins Len and Jill. “Aw, you there.” cocoons. The biggest bouquet was for just missed them,” Aunt Ruth Ann had said Dad didn’t lower his voice. “She knows all Grandma’s grave. Mom grasped Maren’s hand after she kissed Mom and Dad on the cheeks about it. She went and dug up her hamster last and led the way to the marker. Maren tried to and gave Maren a hug. “They just left five min- summer. Kids start out smart. They have to wriggle loose. Jill checked her face in the jeep utes ago with Gus to put gasoline in the jeep. learn to be stupid.” side mirror and then walked towards them, one Then they were going over to the stable to feed “Well, hamsters aren’t resurrected.” Aunt foot placed carefully in front of the other like a the horses.” Aunt Ruth Ann had poured them Ruth Ann sounded sure. ballerina Maren had seen once in The Nutcracker. big glasses of green punch, then wiped her “Who says?” Aunt Ruth Ann had hold of Grandpa’s elbow. hands on her apron. “It’s a shame you didn’t get “Everyone ready?” It was Uncle Gus'’s voice. “Think about Grandma now,” Mom said. here a little sooner.” Maren hadn't heard the jeep. She stuffed the She sighed. “She loved you very much. How Gulping down her punch, Maren had left dandelion chain into her shorts pocket, rolled to she'd have liked to see you grow up.” She the grown-ups in the kitchen and come out her feet, and raced around the side of the wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. back to check on the rabbits and sit in the house. Jill was in back, her legs dangling over Maren wasn’t sure she wanted to think of clover under the kitchen window. She could the license plate. Len was sitting in the driver’s Grandma. How did spints work, anyway? Did hear Aunt Ruth Ann and Mom talking while seat. He had on a red and white baseball cap, they swoop around keeping an eye on their they were tying bouquets and boxing fruit bot- and he lifted it off by the bill and blew inside. grandchildren? Could Grandma see her when tles. Dad would be making little tags so they’d “Pa let me drive,” he bragged. she stole sugar cubes out of the pantry and get the night bouquet on the right grave. When “Aw, he did not,” said Maren. “You're only chernes off Mrs. Albert’s tree? Did Grandma everyone was ready, Maren would get to ride to thirteen.” know what she was thinking? the cemeteries in Uncle Gus'’s jeep with Len “He did too.” Dad brought a fruit jar that he’d filled up and Jill and all the flowers. Mom and Dad “Did he, Jill?” with water from a tap, and Mom let go of would pick up Grandpa and Aunt Carmie in the “T wouldn’t know,” said Jill. “I didn’t Maren to put the flowers in the jar. The grave Oldsmobile, and Aunt Ruth Ann would go get notice.” marker was a book with two open pages. On the great uncles and aunts in her Ford. “You kids corpses?” Uncle Gus was carrying one page was printed Grandma’s name, Anna “At least she passed easy,” Aunt Ruth Ann a box of fruit jars towards the jeep. Uncle Gus Maren Mikelsen Jensen, then June 14, 1888, was saying. had a limp he got in Guam in the war. “Go get her birth date, then September 10, 1950. Maren “Tt’s been eight and a half months,” said some bookets.” remembered the day. She’d only been in the Mom, “and I remember it clear as if it was “Bouquets, Pa!” said Jill. fourth grade for a week. Dad wrote Mrs. today. I don’t think I'll ever forget it.” “Bookets Jill,” said Uncle Gus. Fielding a note so she could miss two days of “You don’t forget. You don’t ever forget Maren tugged on his sleeve. “Did you let school, and they drove straight up to Logan. when it’s your own close kin. Most especially Len drive?” Mom was already there. your mother.” “Don’t you worry your head, little lady,” he On the other gravestone page was Grandpa's “I was coming up on the bus to see her, said. “Just go get some flowers.” name, Alfred George Jensen, and just one date, remember . . .” Maren and Jill sat in the back oft he jeep to March 5, 1888. The bottom was empty. “And I had you paged at the station in Salt make sure none of the bouquets fell onto the “You're her youngest grandchild,” said Mom. Lake before you left.” road. Under the damp blanket, the flowers were She squeezed Maren and whispered, “The last “There I was on the bus, all alone, looking sweet-smelling and pretty. Maren peeked at and the best.” out the window and not seeing anything. I them and sniffed. Jill slid over closer to her. Jill Grandma had worn navy blue hats and don’t ever want to live over those two hours smelled spicy and sweet, like the snapdragons. brooches and dresses that came way down her again.” “You got any boyfriends?” she asked. legs and she had smelled like powder. In the “No worry there,” said Dad. “You don’t get “No.” Maren stared at her. “Do you?” casket she had on a white dress, her temple to live over any hours again.” “Of course. All the girls in the fifth grade dress, Mom had said, and her wrinkled cheeks “Oh, Willy,” Mom said. “Now where’s that have boyfriends.” had been rouged the way they were in real life. girl?” She came to the window. “Maren!” “They do?” Maren swallowed. “Who's your Soon, according to Dad, she’d be all crumbly Maren roused herself and sat up. “Out boyfriend?” and dark. here,” she called. “Just waitin’.” She looped a “Eddie Werner.” Grandpa was dressed up as if he were going dandelion chain around her wrist and examined Jill had painted toenails and fingernails. to church—the way he was at the funeral. a scab on her knee. Maren looked at her own fingernails, uncolored Usually he wore overalls. Now he took off his “We bought that big plot,” Aunt Ruth Ann except for green dandelion stains. She had on hat and knelt down by the marker. He brushed was saying. “There’s room for all of us.” Keds, not sandals, and inside the Keds, her toe- off a few leaves. Aunt Ruth Ann helped him “No thank you,” said Dad. “I don’t want to nails were plain too. She looked back over at get back up again. “Annie was a great lady,” have my remains amoldering away in the earth. Jill. “What do you do with him? This Eddie.” said one of the great-uncles, Moroni or Moses, I’m going to be cremated. Dinah can be buried “Just things,” Jill said. “He gave me this.” Maren couldn’t keep them straight. “It was there if she wants to.” She pulled out the collar of her blouse and ‘count of her we could go to school,” said the “Willy!” Aunt Ruth Ann was cross. “Only showed off a poodle pin with red rhinestone other one. “Her and that old treadle,” said the pagans get cremated. Dinah, you gonna let him eyes. “Don’t you know any boys?” first great uncle. Everyone was quiet for a turn to ashes?” “Sure,” Maren said. “I mean in the fourth minute or two. Mom probably shrugged. “It’s up to him. I grade there are boys. But they’re just boys.” “Now for Herb.” Mom cleared her throat don’t have any say in it.” “Wait till the fifth grade.” Jill fingered her and wiped her other cheek. Herb was Aunt “You do if you live longer than he does. pin. “That's when you get boyfriends.” Carrie’s last husband. He had died way before Willy, don’t you know you won't have a body The girls slid off the jeep at the Logan Grandma, of a heart attack. Maren remembered. to be resurrected in if you burn it all up?” Cemetery. Mom and Aunt Ruth Ann sorted Uncle Herb. His stomach had hung out over “Huh,” Dad said. “What do you think is left through the flowers while Aunt Carrie fanned his trousers—a beer belly, they'd called it, even PAGE 10 EXPONENTI l FALL 1997