Expectations of Marriage Before & After Marriage Among Maltese Catholic Couples Thesis submitted in partial fulfilment of the degree of Doctor of Systemic Psychotherapy University of East London March 2007 Charlie Azzopardi Tavistock Clinic London 1 ABSTRACT This thesis explores expectations of marriage before marriage, their origin, and their development in the first year of marriage among Maltese Catholic couples marrying in the Church. Ten couples were purposely selected from a sample of marriage preparation course participants to attend two semi-structured interviews; one before marrying and another one approximately one year into marriage. The first interviews consisted of questions around the origin of expectations of marriage and on expectations of marriage before marriage. The second interviews focused on the development of expectations within the first year of marriage. Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis was used to analyse the data. The various themes that emerged are highly indicative of the shifting constructions about the family and the transitory nature of gender roles in society with current couples finding themselves ensnared between traditional and post-traditional constructions. Expectations before marriage continue to persist into the first year of marriage as do various tensions between partners. While women generally expressed expectations concerning togetherness, connectedness, and increased emotional intimacy, men generally expressed expectations regarding independence and separateness. Women were also generally more inclined to voice expectations of romanticism than their male counterparts. Disappointment of unmet expectations, particularly of the romantic expectations, appeared to start immediately after the wedding as partners feel increasingly responsible. All the emerging themes are embraced within an over-arching theme of an evolving relationship narrative, involving the co-construction of collaborative dance between individuality and relatedness. 2 I dedicate this work to my late father and my mother who thought me so much in life and about life. 3 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 4 I wish to thank all those who helped me throughout this study, especially: Mrs. Emilia Dowling, consultant clinical psychologist, my research supervisor, whose positive feedback and helpful ideas were always inspiring and dearly appreciated. Dr. Angela Abela, clinical psychologist and senior lecturer at University of Malta, my local supervisor, whose meticulous feedback and guidance I found extremely helpful. Fr. Rev. Louis Camilleri, Director Cana Movement, whose support in recruiting participants was crucial. Dr. Charlotte Burck, Senior Clinical Lecturer and organising tutor, for her contribution in the fine-tuning of this work. My colleague M10 participants whose challenging questions and insightful reflections often helped me channel my enthusiasm. The research participants who wholeheartedly trusted me with their stories. To my wife Marika whose infinite support helped me make it through the hardest of times. I heartily thank her for her kind presence and for encouraging me to grow into the man I am today. To my two young men, Jeremy and Isaac, who revive and inspire me with their enthusiasm and whom I love most dearly. 5 TABLE OF CONTENTS 6 ABSTRACT............................................................................................................................................2 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS...................................................................................................................4 TABLE OF CONTENTS.......................................................................................................................6 CHAPTER 1 - Introduction to the Study...........................................................................................12 1.1. Introduction...................................................................................................................................13 1.2. Area of Study.................................................................................................................................13 1.3. Aims of the Study...........................................................................................................................14 1.4. Rationale for the Study.................................................................................................................16 1.4.1. Introduction..............................................................................................................................16 1.4.2 Marriage as a Transitional Challenge......................................................................................16 1.4.3 Concern About Marital Stability and Increasing Separation and Annulment...........................17 1.4.4. Increasing Family Configuration Variety................................................................................19 1.4.5. Declining Traditional View About Marriage and the Family..................................................20 1.4.6. Changing Marital Role Expectations.......................................................................................21 1.4.7. Scant Research on the Subject..................................................................................................22 CHAPTER 2 - Conceptual Frameworks and Literature Review....................................................24 2.1. Introduction...................................................................................................................................25 2.2. Defining Expectations of Marriage..............................................................................................25 2.3 Conceptual Frameworks................................................................................................................27 2.3.1. Psychoanalytic Theory.............................................................................................................27 2.3.2. Attachment Theory....................................................................................................................30 2.3.3. The Family Life Cycle Theory..................................................................................................32 2.3.4. Systemic Theory........................................................................................................................33 2.3.5. Conclusion................................................................................................................................39 2.4. Research on Expectations of Marriage........................................................................................40 2.4.1. Expectations of Marriage and Marital Success........................................................................40 2.4.1.1. Disillusionment Model......................................................................................................40 2.4.1.2. Emergent Distress Model...................................................................................................41 2.4.1.3. Enduring Dynamics Model................................................................................................42 2.4.2. Marital Satisfaction and Expectations......................................................................................42 2.4.3. Types of Expectations...............................................................................................................44 2.4.4. The Origins of Expectations of Marriage.................................................................................45 7 2.4.4.2. Media and Marriage Education.........................................................................................48 2.4.4.3. Religious and Traditional Influences.................................................................................50 2.4.5. Malta’s Current Situation: What do people expect from their marriage ?...............................51 2.4.6. General Criticism of the Research Reviewed...........................................................................55 2.4.7. Summary of Literature Review and the Emerging Research Questions...................................58 CHAPTER 3 - Research Methodology...............................................................................................60 3.1. Introduction...................................................................................................................................61 3.2. Data Analysis Using IPA...............................................................................................................61 3.3. Rationale for choice of IPA...........................................................................................................62 3.4. The Selected Participants for this Research................................................................................64 3.5. Recruitment of Participants..........................................................................................................66 3.6 The Researcher...............................................................................................................................66 3.7. The Interview as a Research Tool................................................................................................67 3.7.1. First Interview - Content.........................................................................................................69 3.7.2. Second Interview - Content......................................................................................................71 3.8. Pilot Interviews and Subsequent Amendments...........................................................................72 3.8.1. Amendment 1............................................................................................................................73 3.8.2. Amendment 2............................................................................................................................73 3.8.3. Amendment 3............................................................................................................................74 3.9. Deciding about the Language.......................................................................................................74 3.10. Data Analysis Process..................................................................................................................75 3.11. After the Interview......................................................................................................................77 3.12. Validity.........................................................................................................................................77 3.13. Reflexivity.....................................................................................................................................81 CHAPTER 4 - Origin of Expectations: Analysis and Interpretation...............................................85 4.1. Introduction...................................................................................................................................86 4.2.1 Supra-Theme 1: Parents as Role Models..................................................................................87 4.2.2. Dominant Theme 1: Media Influences......................................................................................88 4.2.3. Dominant Theme 3: Expectations Development During Courtship.........................................89 8 4.2.4. Interpretation............................................................................................................................89 4.2.5. Summary of Findings about the Origin of Expectations of Marriage......................................96 CHAPTER 5 - Recalled Adolescent Fantasies of Marriage: Analysis and Interpretation.............98 5.1. Introduction...................................................................................................................................99 5.2. Dominant Theme 1: Romantic View of Marriage.......................................................................99 5.3. Dominant Theme 2: Traditional Image of Family and Family Life........................................100 5.4. Dominant Theme 3: Timing of Marriage..................................................................................101 5.5. Interpretation...............................................................................................................................102 CHAPTER 6 - Expectations of Marriage: Analysis and Interpretation........................................108 6.1 Introduction..................................................................................................................................109 6.2. Category 1: Expected Lifestyle Changes...................................................................................109 6.2.1. Supra-Theme 1: Marriage as a Continuation of Courtship.................................................110 6.2.2. Supra-Theme 2: Juggling Between Work and Family Life.................................................110 6.2.3. Supra-Theme 3: Concerns About Time..............................................................................112 6.2.4. Supra-Theme 4: Concerns About Housework....................................................................112 6.2.5. Supra-Theme 5: Concerns About Recreation.....................................................................114 6.3. Category 2: Boundary Making...................................................................................................114 6.3.1. Supra-Theme 1: Inter-Relationship Boundaries..................................................................115 6.3.2. Supra-Theme 2: Intra-relationship Boundaries - Finding a Balance Between Togetherness and Separateness...........................................................................................................................118 6.4. Category 3: ‘Us & Them’ – Comparing the Relationship........................................................119 6.4.1. Dominant Theme 1: Comparison Between the Couple and Other Known Couples............120 6.4.2. Dominant Theme 2: Comparison Between the Couple Itself and the General Local Situation ......................................................................................................................................................121 6.4.3. Dominant Theme 3: Comparison Between the Couple in the Present and in the Past........122 6.5. Category 4: Becoming a Family.................................................................................................123 6.5.1. Supra-Theme 1: Marriage is for Life..................................................................................123 6.5.2. Supra-Theme 2: Marrying in the Church............................................................................124 6.5.3. Supra-Theme 3: Family and Children.................................................................................126 6.5.4. Supra-Theme 4: Timing of Childbearing............................................................................127 6.5.5. Supra-Theme 5: Parenting of Children...............................................................................128 6. 6. Category 5: Challenges Related to Differences........................................................................129 6.6.1. Supra-Theme 1: Challenges Related to Personal Qualities.................................................129 6.6.2. Supra-Theme 2: Division of Roles.....................................................................................131 6.7. Interpretation...............................................................................................................................134 6.7.1. Marriage as a Continuation of Courtship..............................................................................134 9 6.7.2. Expected Life-Style Changes..................................................................................................138 6.7.3. Balance Between Togetherness and Separateness.................................................................141 6.7.4. Boundary Making...................................................................................................................147 6.7.5. Comparing the Relationship...................................................................................................155 6.7.6. Becoming a Family.................................................................................................................159 6.7.6.1. Marriage is for Life..........................................................................................................159 6.7.6.2. Marrying in the Church....................................................................................................161 6.7.6.3. Family and Children........................................................................................................162 6.7.7. Living Together Challenges....................................................................................................166 6.7.8 Expectations of Gender Equality.............................................................................................170 6.8. Conclusion....................................................................................................................................174 CHAPTER 7 - Expectations Development in the First Year of Marriage.....................................177 7.1. Introduction.................................................................................................................................178 7.2. Category 1: Adjustment..............................................................................................................178 7.2.1. Level 1: Personal Adjustment.................................................................................................179 7.2.1.1. Supra-Theme 1: Shocking Experience.............................................................................179 7.2.1.2. Supra-Theme 2: Novelties...............................................................................................180 7.2.1.3. Supra-Theme 3: Realizations - ‘Nothing is what it seems’..............................................181 7.2.2. Level 2: Relational Adjustment...............................................................................................182 7.2.2.1. Supra-Theme 1: Adjusting to Differences Between the Partners.....................................182 7.2.2.2. Supra-Theme 2: Developing Relationship Dynamics......................................................185 7.2.2.3. Supra-Theme 3: Traditional vs Non Traditional Role Assimilation................................186 7.2.2.4. Supra-Theme 4: Togetherness and Separateness - Being Together in a different Way from Courtship......................................................................................................................................189 7.2.3. Level 3: Contextual Adjustment..............................................................................................190 7.2.3.1. Supra-Theme 1- Changing Relationship with Parents and In-laws..................................191 7.2.3.2. Dominant Theme 1: Changing Relationship with Friends...............................................194 7.2.3.3. Dominant Theme 2: Adjusting to Work-Life Balance.....................................................195 7.2.3.4. Dominant-Theme 3: Environmental Adjustment.............................................................196 7.3. Category 2: Ongoing Challenges in Marriage..........................................................................198 7.3.1. Supra-Theme 1: Managing Change & New Discoveries about the Partner...........................198 7.3.2. Dominant Theme 1: Affection and Romanticism....................................................................199 7.3.3. Dominant Theme 2: Time to Have Children...........................................................................199 7.4. Category 3: A Child is Born – A Mini Case Study...................................................................200 7.5. Interpretation...............................................................................................................................210 7.5.1. Adjustment..............................................................................................................................210 7.5.1.1. Level 1: Individual Adjustment and Experiential Learning.............................................210 7.5.1.2. Level 2: Relational Adjustment.......................................................................................213 a. Symbiotic traditional relationships and increased sense of responsibility.............................215 b. Togetherness & Separateness...............................................................................................220 c. The balanced and the struggling couples..............................................................................221 d. The emergent androgyny......................................................................................................224 10