EX-ETIQUETTE FOR PARENTS EX-ETIQUETTE FOR PARENTS Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A., and Sharyl Jupe Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Blackstone-Ford, Jann. Ex-etiquette for parents : good behavior after a divorce or separation / Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe. — 1st ed. p. cm. ISBN 1-55652-551-6 1. Divorced parents. 2. Joint custody of children. 3. Parenting. 4. Children of divorced parents. 5. Stepfamilies. 6. Interpersonal conflict. I. Jupe, Sharyl. II. Title. HQ759.915.B54 2004 649′.1—dc22 2004006568 Bonus Families, Ex-Etiquette, and Bonus Mom are registered trademarks of Bonus Families, Inc. All rights reserved. Cover design: Emily Brackett, Visible Logic Cover photo: Kevin Dodge/Masterfile Author photo: Courtesy of Melanie Ford Interior design: Scott Rattray, Rattray Design © 2004 by Jann Blackstone-Ford, M.A. All rights reserved First edition Published by Chicago Review Press, Incorporated 814 North Franklin Street Chicago, Illinois 60610 ISBN 1-555652-551-6 Printed in the United States of America 5 4 3 2 1 CONTENTS Acknowledgments vii Introduction ix Part I: Basic Ex-Etiquette Defining and Practicing Good Behavior After Divorce or Separation 1. Laying the Groundwork 3 2. Everyday Ex-Etiquette 35 3. Remarriage or Integrating a New Partner 71 4. Getting Along with Your Spouse’s Ex (or Your Ex’s New Partner) 99 Part II: Intermediate Ex-Etiquette Parenting and Family-Building 5. Turning Your Stepfamily into a Bonusfamily 133 6. Ex-Etiquette for Bonusparents 165 7. Improving Extended Family Relations 195 Part III: Advanced Ex-Etiquette Managing the Formalities 8. Introductions, Correspondence, and Other Conventions 211 9. Babies, Weddings, Showers, and Announcements 231 10. Holidays and Special Occasions 285 Bibliography 311 Resource Guide 312 Index 329 ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Sharyl and I would like to thank our collective family for their understanding while we were writing this book. It has been a long process and we thank you, Larry, Mel, Anee, Steven, and Harleigh, from the bottom of our hearts for your patience and unwavering support. We would also like to thank Dr. Susan Bartell for always “just being an e-mail away,” for her constant support of the Bonus Families movement, and the shots in the arm when we had writer’s block. To Wendy Vainauskas for holding down the fort and taking on the Bonus Families Support Group project when we were in the midst of editing. To Dr. Mike Riera for his kindness, enthusiasm, and true understanding of the Bonus Families move- ment. To Cynthia Sherry, Lisa Reardon, and the staff at Chicago Review Press for their enthusiasm and support while preparing the manuscript. To our agent, Djana Pearson Morris, for always keeping us focused. And, finally, to the parents and children who contributed their stories and offered their insight, we thank you for your candor and your sincere desire to help others. Without you this book could not have been written. vii INTRODUCTION The first time Sharyl and I met, the meeting was quite cordial. My soon-to-be-husband, Larry, suggested that since he and his ex shared equal custody of the kids, it was time for me to meet the mother of his children. We met. That was it. I didn’t talk to her again until after Larry and I were married six months later. She had called him up, they were disagreeing very loudly (as usual), and he just handed me the phone and walked out of the room. “Here,” he snapped before he left. “You talk to her. I can’t anymore.” “Huh?” I remember thinking. “I don’t want to talk to your ex-wife!” There I stood, phone in hand, waiting for him to return. He didn’t, and as the seconds clicked by I envisioned Sharyl sitting on the other end getting angrier and angrier. When we spoke, I was prepared for the rant of a crazy woman. But much to my sur- prise, that’s not what I heard at all. Instead, after I said hello, she asked in a frustrated voice, “Jann, why does he hate me so much?” I have to admit, that question threw me. By this time Sharyl and I had settled into our roles of ex and new wife, and neither ix