The Project Gutenberg EBook of Etiquette Made Easy, by Edward Summers Squier This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. Title: Etiquette Made Easy Author: Edward Summers Squier Release Date: April 29, 2016 [EBook #51887] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ETIQUETTE MADE EASY *** Produced by Chris Curnow, Emmy and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net cover ETIQUETTE MADE EASY [1] Made Easy Series ————————————————— ETIQUETTE MADE EASY BY EDWARD SUMMERS SQUIER, M. A. Emblem: Made Easy Series NEW YORK EDWARD J. CLODE [2] [3] COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY EDWARD J. CLODE ———— All rights reserved ———— Entered at Stationers’ Hall ——————————————— PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA [4] T PREFACE HE POLITEST MAN of whom history has record was a Norwegian. A stranger in a town of Norway asked a passing native the way to a certain address. The native raised his hat, bowed, and said: “Sir, I am very sorry, but I do not know.” The stranger passed on. A few minutes later, he heard the sound of some one running behind him. He faced about, and recognized the native, who came, halted, and after a few deep breaths, said, while bowing with uplifted hat: “Sir, after leaving you, I met my brother-in-law, and I regret to tell you, Sir, that he also does not know.” In spite of this story with its Norwegian hero, first place is usually given to the French in matters of politeness. There is an old story that illustrates with remarkable precision the national traits of French, English and German. This has to do with the manner of lighting a cigar. The Frenchman strikes a match, offers the flame to his companions, then makes a light for himself. The Englishman lights his own cigar first, and then offers the match to his companions. The German lights his own cigar, then throws the match away. The brief recital contains something deeper than mere humor in its analysis of national characteristics. The consideration of the Frenchman for others is indeed the essential basis for all true courtesy. Genuine politeness has its root always in a very real regard for the feelings of others. The ancient proverb declares that cleanliness is next to godliness. In fact, so far as concerns casual associations, cleanliness is the more important. We have ordinarily nothing to do with the morals of those whom we encounter for a few fugitive moments, but the most fleeting companionship with a dirty person is offensive, while a perfect cleanliness is always pleasing in its effect. As a matter of fundamental courtesy toward others, we are required to keep ourselves clean. Such cleanliness may be excellent as a hygienic measure, but one most eminent physician has declared that bathing is not essential to health, and he offers in proof of his assertion the great number of old persons there are in the world. But those aged unwashed would be repulsive in refined society. Their condition would distress others. Quite involuntarily, they would thus be guilty of discourtesy. The principle of consideration for others that exalts cleanliness as a virtue is the principle that actually fashions all the essential forms of politeness. At a decent dinner-table, one must not smack his lips, or make loud noises in taking soup from the spoon, for the simple reason that such behavior will annoy others. Often, a sympathetic person, absolutely untaught in the niceties of etiquette, will do the right thing by a natural instinct of kindliness, where another individual of polite breeding will do the wrong from sheer lack of that fellow-feeling which gives understanding. Nevertheless, while the noblest courtesy must spring always from the heart, common convenience has settled on definite methods of deportment for various occasions. Ignorance of these details as to proper conduct is not a matter to be contemned, but one to be regretted, because a person thus ignorant, no matter how kindly his intention, must often disturb others by failure to do the expected thing in the expected way. In other words, he lacks knowledge of what are termed the proprieties. It is with the intention of offering assistance to those finding themselves in doubt as to the niceties of deportment that this book has been prepared. It is arranged with the contents in alphabetical order, so that the topics are self-indexed. In addition to the bulk of information set forth in the following pages, there needs only one direction of importance. This is based on the ancient saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Practically every community has its local customs, and these are always to be respected. There is nothing more snobbish than criticism by a stranger of social forms that are well established. It is always his duty to respect them and to observe them. Otherwise, he displays that lack of consideration for others which is the root of all rudeness. One sympathetically disposed toward his fellows who avails himself of the information in this book may rest confident in the assurance that he is indeed the possessor of good manners. [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] CONTENTS PAGE At Homes 13 Bachelor Hosts 23 Balls 26 Breakfasts 31 Calls 34 Cards 45 Dinners 61 Garden-Parties 70 House-Parties 75 Introductions 84 Letters 95 Luncheons 103 Mourning 106 Musicales 113 Opera 117 Private Theatricals 121 Receptions 122 Smoking 123 Stairs 124 Street Etiquette 125 Table Manners 128 Teas 133 Theater-Parties 134 Weddings 141 [10] [11] Etiquette Made Easy [12] [13] T AT HOMES HE AFTERNOON TEA is perhaps the most popular of social functions, and deservedly so, since it is essentially of the utmost simplicity, yet may be expanded into a most elaborate social affair. In the original simple form, the hostess merely welcomes her guests as they come to her on her regular day at home, in the drawing-room, and there offers them a cup of tea served by herself and light refreshments of sandwiches and cakes and the like. The next development in the tea is in the nature of a small afternoon reception, or at home. For this occasion, the hostess issues invitations a week in advance. A visiting-card serves the purpose, with a line written below the name: Wednesday, June fourth from four until seven o’clock If there is to be a guest of honor, an additional line may indicate the fact: To meet........................ The procedure for the hostess at a function of this sort is more formal. It is usual to have the refreshments in the dining-room, though they should not be of an elaborate character. The teapot is placed at one end of the table, and presided over by some friend, since the obligations of the hostess prevent her rendering this hospitable service in person. The third stage of the afternoon tea has come to take the place of the old-time reception, though it bears merely the designation “At Home.” The requisite invitations must be sent out any time from a week to a fortnight before the date set. For these, an engraved form is essential. They are printed on heavy white bristol board, of the quality described for dinner-invitations, and inclosed in a single envelope. They may be issued in the name of the hostess alone, or in the names of a hostess and her daughter or daughters, or in the names of husband and wife—though this last is a very modern innovation. The following will serve as a model: Mrs. James French Putnam At Home April the seventh From four until seven o’clock 208 Flagg Avenue If the husband joins with the wife in issuing the invitations, the only change is in the first line: Mr. and Mrs. James French Putnam Where a daughter is to receive with her mother, the girl’s name appears just below that of the matron: Mrs. James French Putnam Miss Putnam Where there are two or more daughters thus associated with the mother, they are included under one title. Thus: Mrs. James French Putnam The Misses Putnam When a younger sister is to appear at her début, her name in full is given a line after those of her mother and elder sister: Mrs. James French Putnam Miss Putnam Miss Helen Louise Putnam In the event of a guest of honor, the invitation may emphasize the presence of this personage by a special engraved announcement at the head of the invitation: To meet ...................................... [14] [15] [16] [17] The remainder of the invitation will follow any of the forms indicated above. Or the announcement may appear in one engraved line at the foot of the invitation: To meet................................ At a reception of this character, the hostess is obliged to remain on duty near the door of the drawing-room throughout the hours set. But a husband or daughter receiving with her, though expected to join her in receiving the guests at the outset and for a considerable time afterward, is not so rigidly held to the one place, but after a time may properly move about among the guests with hospitable intent. But a débutante must remain at the post of duty with her mother throughout the whole time. In recent years, there has developed a pleasant custom by which the débutante invites a number of her young friends to join her in receiving the other guests. It is usual to entertain these at dinner after the reception. The refreshments for an occasion of this sort are served in the dining-room with servants in attendance. Tea is poured at one end of the table, and perhaps chocolate at the other, while a bowl of punch is commonly at hand. The refreshments are of the buffet variety, but they may be as rich and varied as the hostess chooses. At such functions in the city, it is usual to lay a strip of carpet from the house door to the curb, and an awning raised over this offers protection to the guests in inclement weather. Where the list of guests is long, a liveried servant at the curb not only opens the doors of the motors, but also issues checks by which the cars may be summoned for the departure of the guests. A butler opens the house door as the guest approaches, and gives directions as to the dressing-rooms. Another liveried servant at the door of the drawing-room announces each guest by name to the hostess. At such affairs, both hostess and women guests wear what is properly termed a reception-gown—that is to say, one of elegance and richness, with a train if the prevailing mode permits, but not decolleté or sleeveless. Hats of a character harmonious with the gown are worn throughout the function, as are gloves. The men wear black frock coats and gray striped trousers, with either a black waistcoat or a fancy one according to choice. While he leaves his coat and hat in the dressing-room at such formal affairs, a man retains his gloves, either keeping the left glove on the hand, and carrying the other, or carrying both. The right hand must be bare. Each woman guest leaves on a tray provided for that purpose in the hall a card for her hostess and one for each of any other women receiving. She may also leave similarly the cards of any other woman member of her family who has been invited, but does not attend. The man leaves a card for his host if there is one, in addition to those for the ladies. No reply is necessary from one invited to such a reception, either of acceptance or of refusal. The presence of the guests is deemed a sufficient answer. In the event of non-attendance, the guest must be at pains to send cards, and these should be so timed in the sending that they will reach their address on the day of the at home, preferably in the afternoon. At crowded affairs, the guest displays good manners as well as good sense by making the stay short. Twenty minutes is a sufficient time, and departure should not be delayed much beyond a half-hour. It is better not to say farewell to the hostess, unless the going should be at a time when few guests remain, and she is obviously at leisure. The punctilious guest will make a point of arriving neither too early nor too late. Between half-past four and six is recommended. The formal evening reception is less popular than in former days, but it still prevails to a limited extent. The procedure throughout is substantially the same as for that of the afternoon reception. The wording of the invitation is identical, with the single exception of the time specified. The line that indicated the hours from four until seven o’clock must be changed to read: From nine until eleven o’clock Or, it may be properly stated, if one’s taste so dictates: After nine o’clock While for the evening reception all other formal details are the same as for an afternoon affair, the costumes of the guests, both men and women, are changed as befits the change in hours. The men are scrupulous in the exactitude of their evening garb—swallow tail, white linen and white cravat and white waistcoat, and patent-leather shoes; while the women array themselves in their handsomest evening gowns, decolleté and sleeveless, and display the richest of their jewels. [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] W BACHELOR HOSTS HEN A BACHELOR entertains either in the afternoon or evening, he follows in a general way the procedure indicated for receptions under the heading “At Homes.” If the affair is to be elaborate, he may use engraved invitations. Mr. Hartley Fane Treadwell requests the pleasure of ................................. company on Wednesday afternoon, November the first From four until seven o’clock Nine East Third Street A word or two at the bottom on the left may indicate any special entertainment, such as Music. But there are certain proprieties to be observed that are peculiar to the bachelor. For example, he is not permitted to use a visiting-card with a line written on it for less formal invitations. Instead, he must write a note in the first person, or he may give the invitation orally. The invitations should be issued a week or a little less before the appointed time. There is one other requirement of vital importance. The bachelor must always have a chaperon present for any gathering that includes both sexes. And she must be invited by note, or orally—even in cases where the formal engraved invitations are employed. The chaperon pours tea, and on occasions when the guests are seated at table, she is given the place on the host’s right, unless there is a guest of honor, when she is given the position on his left. The other women guests must take their departure at the same time as the chaperon, unless they prefer an earlier hour. The presence of the chaperon at such entertainments makes it unnecessary for the unmarried girl to provide one for herself. The chaperon should be a married woman, and her husband must be included among the invited guests. When a bachelor wishes to issue engraved invitations for a formal dinner-party or luncheon, he uses the forms provided respectively in the chapters entitled “Dinners” and “Luncheons.” The directions as to breakfasts also will be found appropriate in a general way as set forth in the special chapter. A bachelor should always be punctilious in calling on a chaperon shortly after any affair at which she has officiated, in order to tender his grateful appreciation of her services in his behalf. [23] [24] [25] T BALLS HE INVITATIONS for a formal ball are engraved on a sheet similar to that used for dinner- parties. But, like the dinner-invitations, they may also be written by the hostess. In sending these invitations by mail only one envelope is used when the invitation is written out. But the engraved form is enclosed first in an unsealed envelope with merely the name of the guest on the cover. This is put in a second envelope, which is sealed and has both the name and address written on it for posting. An engraved invitation, however, when delivered by a messenger requires only a single envelope, sealed. These invitations must be sent out not less than ten days before the date of the ball, and they may be issued three weeks before the appointed time. The accepted form may be either of those following: Mr. and Mrs. George Wheatley request the pleasure of your company on Wednesday evening, April the second at half-past nine o’clock Dancing 71 Hamilton Place Mrs. George Wheatley Miss Wheatley At Home Tuesday, April the ninth at eleven o’clock Dancing 71 Hamilton Place It is permissible to write the initials, R.s.v.p. below the word Dancing. In place of Dancing, the word Cotillon may appear, if the whole evening is to be devoted especially to this dance. So, too, the words Bal Poudré may be substituted for Dancing, if the affair is to be a costume ball. Or any other form of entertainment may be similarly indicated. The form used in accepting or declining such an invitation follows exactly the wording given in a later chapter in connection with dinner-invitations. It is the duty of the hostess to greet her guests as at a dinner-party, and a daughter or daughters may assist her in her hospitable duties, but such assistance is not required of them. The host, also, may join his wife in receiving, and may make himself socially useful by various attentions to the guests. But such action on his part is discretionary, except that in the case of a woman guest of particular importance, he should take her in to supper if this is served at tables. Where a buffet supper is served, it is fitting that he should escort various guests from time to time. It is not always necessary to invite mothers or chaperons to a private ball, and in that case a girl may be sent with a maid to accompany her. When the mother receives an invitation and accepts it, she may choose not to remain, but to leave after entrusting her daughter to the care of the hostess, or some other friend. At elaborate dances, the supper at midnight is served on small tables, at which the guests are seated. The buffet supper is popular on account of its convenience, since the guests select whatever pleases them at any time. Unlike the rule as to dinners, there is no obligation for prompt arrival on the ball guest. Likewise, the guest may leave at any time. It is not necessary to seek the hostess for a farewell, but if she is near, she should be addressed with appropriate phrase in appreciation of the hospitality that has been enjoyed. A girl at a ball usually establishes herself in a seat by her chaperon, to whom she returns according to her convenience after dancing. It is perfectly proper for her, if at any time she wishes to be rid of a partner, to ask that he accompany her back to this seat beside her chaperon. Evening clothes are essential for the male guest at a ball, and the wearing of white gloves is obligatory. A careful man is very likely to provide himself with an extra pair. At informal dances, ungloved men often cover the hand with a handkerchief to avoid any risk of soiling a partner’s bodice. If a man serves as escort for a woman, or for a girl and her [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] chaperon, it is a part of his duty to provide a carriage to and fro. The ball-dress for women is usually the most elegant their taste and means will contrive. It is always decolleté, and commonly sleeveless. A BREAKFASTS HOSTESS MAY USE her visiting-card for invitations to breakfast, simply writing on it below her name: Breakfast at eleven o’clock April the fourth A more formal affair may have an engraved invitation on paper similar to that used in the case of dinners. This would have the following form: Mrs. George Vinton Thorne requests the pleasure of ................................ company at breakfast on.................................... at.............................o’clock Eleven Green Street Or the hostess may, if she prefers, write a brief note of invitation in the first person. Whatever form is employed, the invitations should be sent out a full week, or a little more, before the date set for the breakfast. The answer to such an invitation should be sent promptly, whether in acceptance or in refusal. The form is identical with that for dinner-invitations, except that the word breakfast is substituted for the word dinner. Where the invitation is a note written in the first person, the answer must follow the same style. A breakfast of the more informal sort, with no more than eight or ten guests, may begin as early as ten o’clock, but a later hour is preferred for very ceremonious affairs, with noon most esteemed as the hour. Grapefruit is usually served, with finger-bowl accompaniment, and the meal that follows may be as simple or as elaborate as the taste and resources of the hostess dictate. Usually both sexes are included among the guests at a breakfast. The women remove their gloves after taking their places at table, but not their hats. Veils may be removed entirely or pushed up out of the way, according to the wearer’s choice. The guest should remain at least a half-hour after the conclusion of the meal, but not longer than an hour unless justified by exceptional circumstances. Frock or cutaway coats are worn by the men, and afternoon dress by the women. The costumes for a ten o’clock breakfast should be somewhat plainer than for one at the more formal hour of noon. [31] [32] [33] F CALLS ORMAL CALLS are to be made in the afternoon between three o’clock and half-past five. If a hostess has a day at home, formal calls on her should be made on that day. It is well also so to time visits for congratulation or to return thanks for any hospitality, or the like, as to have them also fall on the day at home. Usually, a due attention by visitors to this set time for calling is appreciated by a hostess. While the formal hours for calls are in the afternoon as indicated above, the time varies in different neighborhoods. Evening calls are common in the country necessarily as a matter of convenience. And, while in the city women pay no formal calls on Sunday, these are permitted in smaller places. Ordinarily, too, there is license in the country as to the length even of formal calls, which may be extended without impropriety far beyond the limit of fifteen or twenty minutes which is well established in the city. A new resident or visitor in any community should be at pains to get information as to the local usage, and conform to it in all details. It is permissible for men in our country to make social calls in the afternoon on Sunday, or in the evening. The exigencies of business are the excuse for the departure from the stricter form, which still holds in the case of women. The hour of such evening calls in the larger cities is from eight to nine, but the time is earlier in smaller towns and in the country. In every instance, the local custom is to be followed. Of course, too, men of leisure may pay their calls in the afternoon. New residents in a neighborhood must await calls from those already established there. In the city, the first calls of the social season should be received by the hostess who first sends out her at-home cards. Where women have met out of town, and wish to continue the acquaintance in the city, the unmarried woman should call on the matron, or one who is under any obligation for hospitality should make the first call. Unless a distinction be drawn for some such reason, either may properly pay the first visit. It is notorious that in the large cities there is no welcome for the newcomer from the dweller next door or across the street. The conditions of city life justify such aloofness. On the other hand, the conditions of life in the smaller places warrant exactly the opposite in the matter of hospitality. It is the recognized duty of the older residents to welcome new arrivals by calling on them promptly, after the strangers have had time to dispose themselves comfortably. There are many varieties of those calls that are imposed by formal courtesy. Thus, in the matter of weddings, it becomes the duty of any one who has taken official part in the affair, such as a bride’s-maid or a best man, to call on the mother of the bride within a few days after the marriage ceremony, and also to call on the bride immediately after her return from the honeymoon trip. The like duty devolves on invited guests to a home wedding, to a wedding- reception and to a wedding-breakfast. A similar formal call should be paid to the hostess by each guest at a dinner, or breakfast, or other special entertainment. Such a call must be made within two weeks. The obligation is the same even in cases where the invitation has been declined. As to the returning of calls, such visits should be made on the day at home if there is one, and otherwise at a suitable time according to the social usage of the neighborhood within a fortnight. But this ruling applies properly only to the return for a first call. Afterward, a longer or shorter interval may elapse between visits according to the desire of the parties concerned. A former acquaintance may be maintained merely by an annual exchange of calls. It must be noted, however, that a call in person demands a personal visit in return. The formal leaving of a card at the door does not suffice. Persons giving up their residence in a community or going on a long journey should send their cards to their full visiting-list with the initials P.p.c. (Pour prendre congé, for leave-taking). It occurs often that a person wishes to call on a friend in the home of a stranger. Such a call is permissible, but the visitor should ask for the hostess as well as the friend, and leave a card for her. In the matter of initiative, it is fitting that an elder woman should invite a younger to the exchange of cards and calls, and that the matron should thus invite the maiden. Where there is equality of years or station, the first advance must depend on the personal inclinations of the parties. The proprieties in reference to calls between women are thus seen to be simple enough. There is more complexity in the procedure when it has to do with the calling of men on women. It is not deemed proper for a young unmarried woman to invite calls from men. Such visits on their part are left to the discretion of the mother or chaperon. But, undoubtedly, the débutante will see to it that mother or chaperon does not fail in her functions. As to the older women, and those married, there is some variation locally in the polite usage. Sometimes the woman feels it her privilege to invite the man to call without awaiting solicitation on his part; sometimes she requires that the advance should be on the part of the man in the form of a request for permission to visit her. If any person requires that a definite time should be given for the emancipation of a girl from the social dominance of her mother or chaperon, it may be set at about the twenty-fifth year, after which time a young woman is theoretically [34] [35] [36] [37] [38] [39] [40]