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DOCUMENT RESUME ED 371 875 PS 022 477 AUTHOR Stokes, Anne TITLE The Thinking Parent: Understanding and Guiding Your Child. REPORT NO ISBN-0-89622-568-2 PUB DATE 93 NOTE 159p. AVAILABLE FROM Twenty-Third Publications, 185 Willow Street, P.O. Box 180, Mystic, CT 06355 ($9.95). PUB TYPE Guides Non-Classroom Use (055) Books (010) EDRS PRICE MF01/PC07 Plus Postage. DESCRIPTORS *Child Rearing; Discipline; Elementary Education; Family Life; Parent Attitudes; *Parent Child Relationship; *Parent Education; *Parenting Skills; *Parent Materials; *Parent Role; Parents; Self Esteem LDENTIFIERS Family Communication; Parenthood; Parenting Styles ABSTRACT Noting that the principles of good child rearing that apply to very young children are the foundation of the principles that deal with older -;ildren, this book translates those early foundational principles and applies them to the kindergarten through grade six child. The material uses a common sense approach that acknowledges the uniqueness of each parent and child and encourages parents to think through their own special solutions to child-rearing quandaries. Rather than offering a system or "quick fix," the book is based on the assumptions that no one knows the child as well as the parent; the parent is an intelligent, searching person; and the parent is looking for a way to sort out the occasional chaos and frustration of parenting. Following an introduction, "The Perfect Parenting Myth," the 13 chapters are: (1) "A Look at Development"; (2) "An Introduction to Self Esteem"; (3) "Moral Development"; (4) "Developing Internal Control"; (5) "Common Courtesy"; (6) "Your Child and Work"; (7) "Family Rituals and Traditions"; (8) "The Art of Asking Questions"; (9) "Discipline and Punishment"; (10) "Taking Time"; ,a1) "Your Parenting Style"; (12) "Motivation to Learn"; and (13) "Beginning a New School Year." (TJQ) *********************************************************************** Reproductions supplied by EDRS are the best that can be made from the original document. *********************************************************************** A I T li T 1 1 1 I 1 , w.. enders, nding ing an Gui Your Child U S DEPARTMENT Of EDUCATION Office of Educational Research and Improvement EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES INFORMATION CENTER (ERIC) )(This document has been reproduced as received Iron, the person or organization originating it 0 :Nino changes have been made to improve 1 reproduction Quality Points ol view or opinions stated on this docu- 1 merit do not necessarily /*present official OERI position or policy I "PERMISSION TO REPRODUCE THIS I, MATERIAL HAS BEEN GRANTED BY i,, k (...-0. VkA MrVtOk TO THE EDUCATIOP,AL RESOURCES 2 INFORMATION CEN l'EFI (ERIC)" BEST COPY AYAUJIBIE S. "The Thinking Parent offers a range of practical, common sem e ideas for parents of school-age children to in regard to such important areas as self- think esteem, moral development, developing internal liscipline, and motivation to learn. Rather control, than offering "quick fixes," this useful book de- scribes basic suggestions for action that apply to many everyday situations and help to build the long-term parent-child relationship." Betty Cooke, Ph.D. Early Childhood Family Education Specialist Minnesota Department of Education "The Thinking Parent is respectful and supportive of parents, yet challenges them to be the best parents that they can be. Stokes blends knowledge about child development with a first-hand experience of parenting issues. The stories and anecdotes make this an easy book to read. The summary tables at the end of each chapter make the parenting advice easy to access. "The tone of the book is optimistic and hopeful without belittling or oversimplifying the task of parenting. Parents will find this book a rich resource of ideas and practical advice as they undertake the ex- hausting and exhilarating task of guiding their children through their school years." Glen F. Palm Associate Professor of Child and Family Studies St. Cloud State University "Open, friendly, and conversational in tone, The Thinking Parent fills a vacuum in books for mothers and fathers of elementary school children. Anne Stokes features what most books on parenting leave out...the moral development f the child, including empathy, internal control aAd common courtesy. She demonstrates how to build a cohesive family, not just a collection of individuals. Helpful sum- maries end each chapter and down-to-earth ex- amples abound throughout the book." Dr :s4artha Miller Educational Policy Analyst Florida Department of Education "The Thinking Parent is an important resource for child rearing. Stokes reveals a warm sympathy for both parents and children, plus a confident style that establishes her competence as a writer. She under- stands the whole child, who is nurtured out of the life values of a family. "The book's clarity reflects the deep knowledge and experience of Anne Stokes, who offers positive, practical suggestions and an outline summary in each chapter. It will encourage and strengthen parents because they will sense that she has shared the task and found it rewarding." I6s V. Cully Professor Emerita, Christian Education Lexington Theological Seminary 4 ANNE STOKES THIAING PARENT Understanding and Guiding Your Child VISION a dwifion of 23 TWENTY-THIRD PUBLICATIONS Mraic CT 06355 Twenty-Third Publications 185 Willow Street P.O. Box 180 Mystic CT 06355 (203) 536-2611 800-321-0411 © Copyright 1993 Anne Stokes. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission of the publisher. Write to Permissions Editor. ISBN 0-89622-568-2 Library of Congress Catalog Card Number 93-60401 6 FOREWORD Several years ago when my wife and I were sitting on the patio drinking our morning coffee, she sud- denly looked at me and said, "Carl, are we going to make it?" I knew immediately that she was talking about raising our children and survivingmuch less thrivingas a family. I responded, "Of course we're going to make it." She de- manded reassurance: "How can you be so sure?" I explained, "Because millions of others before us have made it." We are living in a different world today. Th e! traditional fami:y structure has taken on different, varied forms over recent decades, but parents are the same: they still want the best for their children. But what is "the best"? Parenting in the 1990s is a chal- lenging, even a daunting task. It seems that none of us has the time, the energy, the creativity, or the support thit the job demands. We're always looking for "answers," that elu- sive formula that will guide us unerringly to produce hap- py, productive children. Of course, even the parents of infants have discovered in the middle of the night that there are no magic tricks. In fact, successful parenting today demands more resourcefulness than in times past, and parents are seeking help wherever they can. In my years as both a father and a public educator, I've seen many traditional supports for parents disappear. The v 7 vi THE r IINKING PARENT advantage of grandparents close at hand, the neighbor-to- neighbor approach, the luxury of enough daylight hours for family activities are gone for most families. Communities that used to revolve around children now have critical con- cerns about issues such as changing demographics, personal safety, health care, chemical use, homelessness, lack of af- fordable day care, and more. In these stressful times, Anne Stokes has been a leader in creating new supports for parents. As coordinator of the na- tionally-recognized Time Out Together School (TOTS) in St. Louis Park, Mirmesota, since 1978, she has worked with staff and parents to develop a program that strengthens families, teaches parenting skills, and provides children with age-appropriate experiences. Modeling effective parenting techniques, TOTS helps build positive family situations that enable preschool children to reach their potential, including the ability to profit socially and academically from future school experiences. In short, TOTS brings parents and children to a central community center where they can recreate a neighborhood feeling. Parents can share with other mothers and fathers their questions, anxieties, proud stories, and funny snap- shots. They can learn about stages of child development that earlier generations could observe by watching a neighborhood full of children out their kitchen windows. They can learn about the importance of play in developing children's skills in language, dexterity, and cooperation with others. Both parents and children can learn that it's all right to try and fail and to try again. Children, from birth to kindergarten age, learn to explore and grow in Time Out Together School playrooms. The quality of parenting affects more than the success of individual children. The effectiveness of today's parents as their children's first and most important teachers is of critical importance to the success of our future in this country. 8 vii Foreword Schools are being asked to do more and moreand without parents, we cannot succeed. Every year I address more than 300 parents at our kindergarten registration sessions at Aquila and Peter Hobart Primary Centers. I offer them what can be the most exciting partnership of their lives: partnership with their children's schools. If they accept that offer, I can nearly guarantee their child's success throughout school. If they declineif they believe that they can "deliver" any child to professional educators and "pick him up" educated and finished thirteen 4 years laterthen I predict a rocky load for that child. Of course, we educators must do our part not only for each child but for the home-school partnership. But we can do only so much. To make a child successful in school, we need parents who engage in frequent communications with teachers, show daily interest in schoolwork, discuss values and school issues with children, help with homework, spend time in the classroom (even a few hours during the school year can make a difference for your own child and his or her classmates), and model all the joy of learning in their own lives. The fact that you are reading this book suggests that I'm "preaching to the choir" about the importance of parent in- volvement. You want to give your children the positive experiences and supportive relationships that serve as a bedrock for future learning. But I challenge you to go fur- ther. As I look at today's society and today's public schools, I must cautio:. you that taking care of your own child is no longer enough. Even if your family is strong, the challenges facing other families are bound to affect yours. I'm often asked, "Are the public schools working?" My answer is "Yes and no." Yesin places where children come to school ready to learn, with parents who want to be partners. Nowhere failed relationships, child family 9 viii THE THINKING PARENT abuse, a lack of love and encouragement have drained from children their enthusiasm, optimism, natural curiosity, and desire to learn. If you want your own children to thrive, you must join with educators, business people, social service providers, and local governments to improve the lives of all children in your community. More than 12 million children in the U.S.about one in fiveare poor. Children are almost twice as likely to be poor as any other group of Americans, including the elderly. Each year about 350,000 children are born to mothers who are addicted to cocaine during pregnancy. About 40,000 children are born each year with al- cohol-related birth defects. Twenty percent of America's preschool children have not been vaccinated against polio. About 20 percent of handicapped children could have been born healthy if their mothers had received just one physical examination in the first trimester of pregnancy. According to Dr. Harold Hodgkinson, "More than one-third of America's children are at risk of failure in school even before they enter the kindergarten door." There's no use running awayfrom the inner city to the suburbs, or from the public school to a private school. The problems are everywhere, and even if you can escape from poverty or a high crime rate, even in the suburbs too few children are motivated to excel. Employers and teachers complain about the disappearance of the work ethic. Schoolseven the best schools, like those in St. Louis Park, Minnesota, where Anne Stokes is a staff member simply do not have the talent, training skills, or resources for both a social mission and an educational mission. We simply cannot do both jobs. Only with the commitment of the total community can we again put children firstall children. The total community must stand behind families, e;iving them the support they need to be their children's first and most important teachers. 1 0