Easing the Ache : Gay Men Recovering title: From Compulsive Behaviors author: Crawford, David. publisher: Hazelden Publishing isbn10 | asin: 1568382359 print isbn13: 9781568382357 ebook isbn13: 9780585305028 language: English Compulsive behavior--Case studies, Gay subject men--Mental health--Case studies, Gay men--United States--Case studies. publication date: 1998 lcc: RC533.C73 1998eb ddc: 616.85/84/086642 Compulsive behavior--Case studies, Gay subject: men--Mental health--Case studies, Gay men--United States--Case studies. Page iii Easing the Ache Gay Men Recovering from Compulsive Behaviors Guy Kettelhack Page iv Hazelden Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176 1-800-328-0094 1-612-257-1331 (fax)http://www.hazelden.org ©1990 by Guy Kettelhack All rights reserved. First published by Dutton, May 1990. First published by Hazelden 1998. Printed in the United States of America No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Crawford, David, 1951 Easing the ache: gay men recovering from compulsive behaviors/ Guy Kettelhack. p. cm. Originally published: New York: Dutton, 1990. Includes bibliographical references (p. ). ISBN 1-56838-235-9 1. Compulsive behaviorCase studies. 2. Gay menMental healthCase studies. 3. Gay menUnited StatesCase studies. 1. Title. RC533.C73 1998 616.85'84'086642dc21 97-52185 CIP 02 02 00 99 98 6 5 4 3 2 1 Cover design by David Spohn Text design by Nora Koch/Gravel Pit Publications Editor's note: Hazelden offers a variety of information on chemical dependency and related areas. Our publications do not necessarily represent Hazelden's programs, nor do they officially speak for any Twelve Step organization. Grateful acknowledgment is given for permission to quote from "Stripping Down to the Id" by David Crawford, which appeared in Issue 260 of The New York Native. Reprinted by permission of That New Magazine, Inc. Page v For Richard Bell Page viii Contents Three Questions I'd Be Asking If I Were You 1 1. Premise: Hell Has an Exit 5 2. The Nature of the Beast 15 3. Bumps in the Rug: A Tour 31 4. The "Aha!" MomentThe Relief of Surrender 59 5. "Only Connect"Joining the Human Race 95 6. Going Too F-A-R: Dealing with Fear, Anger, and 119 Resentment (And All the Other Feelings You Think Will Kill You) 7. Body Esteem: Getting Physical in Recovery 135 8. The Shock of Loving a Man 157 9. Therapy: The Couch vs. the Steps 179 10. The "S" Word 197 Resources 207 About the Author 211 Page 1 Three Questions I'd Be Asking If I Were You This is a book about the remarkable journeys numerous gay men are taking in their recovery from compulsive behavior. You don't have to know anything about Twelve Step programs to appreciate the journeys you'll read about here, but more than likely you've already heard of, or perhaps even experienced, something of the help the Twelve Step model offers to people suffering from compulsive behavior. If so, you know it's an astoundingly effective and humane program that was first advanced by Alcoholics Anonymous and has now been adopted by numerous other groups that have been formed to help their members recover from various addictions other than alcoholfrom drugs and food to sex, work, and unhealthy relationships. Easing the Ache is in no way meant to be an exegesis of the steps that form the core of this program, but it is written in the spirit of Twelve Step recovery. Whatever you know about this process, you probably have a few questions about the book's aims and limits (and, if you do know something about Twelve Step recovery, how closely it's geared to Twelve Step traditions). Certainly my editor had these questions, as did friends who knew I was embarking on this book. So let's address them right off, starting with what may be the first one to occur to you: Page 2 Why a Book for Gay Men? Gay men sorely need a book of their ownthis was clear to me when I got the idea for Easing the Ache, and it's become clearer now that I've crossed the country gathering material for it. Many gay men feel uncomfortable in "straight" Twelve Step meetings because they don't feel they can share all the "sordid" (and explicitly gay) details of their pastsor even their present lives. It's not that every Twelve Step meeting isn't helpfuland it's not that gay men don't or shouldn't go to any meeting they want to attend and share whatever they have to sharebut there's still a "discomfort level" that many of us admit we feel when we are in "straight" meetings. Some of this uncomfortable feeling extends to our response to ''standard" Twelve Step literature too. Much as we depend on it, enjoy it, and continue to be helped by it, many of us get a little weary of having to continually "translate" so much material into terms that more precisely reflect our own lives. Nearly one out of three gay men is an alcoholic, and we're at least privately aware that we tend to be compulsively "hooked" in many other ways. We've flocked to so many therapies and programs; we constitute a major segment of the self-help book-buying marketand yet, until now, no such book has focused its attention solely on us. We need a book that speaks our language, and Easing the Ache is an attempt to meet that need. It is not meant to replace any of the literature that's helped us and continues to help usmerely to add something vital to that literature: a book about recovery to which we can wholly relate. Where Does the Material in This Book Come From? The stories of hundreds of men have fueled Easing the Ache.