ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page vii Don’t Give Me That Attitude! 24 Rude, Selfish, Insensitive Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them Michele Borba, Ed.D. ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page i PRAISE FOR MICHELE BORBA’S OTHER BOOKS No More Misbehavin’ “Michele Borba offers insightful,realistic,and straightforward advice that is sure to get immediate results.” —Sally Lee,Editor-in-Chief,Parents Magazine “This will be the only discipline book you’ll ever need to raise good kids.” —from the Foreword by Jack Canfield,coauthor, Chicken Soup for the Soul and Chicken Soup for the Parent’s Soul “A sensitive,thoughtful,eminently practical book that will help parents help their children change behaviors that will improve the child’s,and the entire family’s,well-being and happiness.A wonderful contribution!” —Alvin Rosenfeld,M.D.,child psychiatrist and coauthor,The Over-Scheduled Child “The most complete toolkit for coping with behavior I have ever seen.Destined to be a classic for all parents and teachers, No More MisBehavin’ is powerful and practical.” —Annie Leedom,founder and president, www.parentingbookmark.com “Based on the good old-fashioned idea that kids who behave are happier than those who don’t,No More Misbehavin’shows parents exactly how to turn their love into *action* with a step-by-step plan for permanently removing bad behaviors. Excellent!” —Elaine Hightower,coauthor with Betsy Riley, Our Family Meeting Book:Fun and Easy Ways to Manage Time, Build Communication and Share Responsibility Week by Week ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page ii “Michele Borba’s new book provides parents with an innova- tive strategy for dealing with children’s challenging behaviors. Her suggestions are practical,doable,and proven.Any parent looking for concrete solutions for troubling kid behaviors need look no further.Simply outstanding!” —Naomi Drew,author, Hope and Healing:Peaceful Parenting in an Uncertain World “This book offers hands-on,practical,and effective solutions to everyday problems that all parents encounter from time to time.These strategies are guaranteed to reduce your parenting headaches and help you enjoy your kids! I’ll certainly be rec- ommending this book to the parents with whom I work.” —Dr.Jane Bluestein,author, Parents,Teens and Boundaries:How to Draw the Line and The Parent’s Little Book of Lists: DOs and DON’Ts of Effective Parenting “No More Misbehavin’s clear,no-nonsense advice will be a blessing to parents paralyzed by stubborn childhood behaviors ranging from biting to bullying to heel-dragging in the face of chores.This step-by-step,here’s-how manual is almost like having Michele Borba as your personal parenting trainer.” —Tom Lickona,author, Educating for Character and Raising Good Children Building Moral Intelligence “A much-needed antidote to the waves of incivility,intoler- ance,and insensitivity sweeping through our nation’s youth culture.Dr.Michele Borba offers parents a treasure trove of ideas for building the most neglected intelligence around:our kids’moral intelligence.I’d like to see a copy of this book in every home across America!” —Thomas Armstrong,author, 7 Kinds of Smart,Multiple Intelligences in the Classroom, and Awakening Your Child’s Natural Genius ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page iii “Michele Borba is an inspiring educator,an experienced par- ent,and a terrific writer.She has identified the core issues for parenting moral kids and presented them with passion,wit, and enormous practicality.Her new book gives us solid empir- ical research but also specific day-to-day activities that will really make a difference in our children’s lives.” —Michael Gurian,author,Boys and Girls Learn Differently, The Wonder of Boys,The Good Son, and A Fine Young Man “While many people in public life decry the lack of character and moral development among our kids,few take this con- cern further,into the realm of practical steps to address the issue in the lives of real children and youth.Michele Borba has done so in her book Building Moral Intelligence.As one whose work takes him into prisons to interview kids who kill,I can testify to the need for adults to cultivate moral intelligence— and the consequences when we don’t.This book is a tool for parents to use in the struggle.” —James Garbarino,author, Lost Boys:Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them “This smart and helpful book integrates much of what we know about raising moral children.I especially like the book’s constructive way of pulling together a wide range of theoret- ical approaches and coming up with a wealth of sensible child- rearing tips.” —William Damon,professor and director, Stanford University Center on Adolescence “This how-to guide to teaching children moral intelligence fills a deep need.It is practical,filled with excellent activities, and based on solid research.” —Kevin Ryan,director emeritus,Boston University Center for the Advancement of Ethics and Character ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page iv “This is perhaps the best written guide for parents and edu- cators concerned with the deep character and moral intelli- gence of their children or students.It is wise,literate,and valuable.” —Peter Scharf,director,Center for Society, Law and Justice at the University of New Orleans, and author,Growing Up Moral “Michele Borba articulates the core traits that build and pro- mote responsible citizenship among the young and old alike. Creating safe schools begins with responsible behavior.Dr. Borba explains in clear,concise,and effective ways how to make that happen.Her book is a ‘must read’for parents,edu- cators,and community leaders.” —Ronald D.Stephens,executive director, National School Safety Center Parents Do Make a Difference “Michele Borba’s new book is invaluable.Drawing on a life- time of rich experience,the author understands parents’con- cerns and speaks to them wisely and compassionately.Best of all,she spells out what parents need to know in easily accessi- ble language and easily learnable stages.” —Nathaniel Branden,author, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and A Woman’s Self-Esteem “Packed with helpful suggestions and insights.This book is a wonderful guide to help kids become winners.” —Louise Hart,author,The Winning Family: Increasing Self-Esteem in Your Children and Yourself and On the Wings of Self-Esteem ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page v “Dr.Michele Borba’s years of research and experience make her uniquely qualified as an expert in the field.The many practical and creative suggestions offered here are sound,effec- tive ways of developing successful human beings.I’m certain that this outstanding book will become an extremely valuable guide and resource for both parents and teachers.” —Robert W.Reasoner,president,International Council for Self-Esteem,and retired school superintendent “Parents DoMake a Differenceis able to address the core issues of parenting.Cross-culturally,Dr.Michele Borba has brought valu- able insights to teaching professionals.Her parenting ideas have also been widely adopted by parent educators in Hong Kong.” —Ivan Yiu,assistant community services secretary for children and youth, Tung Wah Group of Hospitals,Hong Kong “Every child arrives in life with a birthright to healthy self- esteem and to be welcomed,nurtured,and inspired by parents who abide by the practices Michele Borba recommends in this book.Applying these principles would quickly help the world become a much healthier and happier place.” —Senator John Vasconcellos,13th District, California State Senate “Finally,a ‘cookbook’for parents and educators on how to raise successful kids.My seminar attendees have asked me for years,‘Wouldn’t it be terrific if children could be exposed to these principles of self-esteem?’Michele,you’ve done it.The world needs your recipes for success—what a difference they’ll make in our kids’futures!” —Bob Moawad,chairman and CEO, Edge Learning Institute,and past president, National Association for Self-Esteem ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page vi “Michele Borba has done it again—she’s written another must- have,must-read book! Parents of children will ask,‘Why didn’t they have this when my kids were younger?’and then buy it for their grown kids so the grandkids will be raised sensibly.I highly recommend this book to anyone who cares about kids.” —Hanoch McCarty,coeditor, A 4th Course of Chicken Soup for the Soul, and coauthor,Acts of Kindness “This book is loaded with practical,proven ideas for teachers and parents to use in their efforts to be the best influence they can be.Children of all ages will be helped to develop skills they need to be their personal best in the new millennium.” —Dorothy Rouse,board member and former teacher, Los Gatos Union School District,Los Gatos,California “By applying the strategies from Parents Do Make a Difference I experienced such stunning success with a severely disturbed foster child that it caused an astonished juvenile court judge to label her transformation ‘miraculous.’He even led his court- room to a round of applause for her success and credited her rehabilitation to Dr.Borba’s techniques.One could only imag- ine how using these techniques could profoundly impact the lives of all children.” —Dawn Hamill,foster child advocate “I strongly endorse Michele Borba’s new book,Parents Do Make a Difference.Grounded in solid research,her message has the potential to truly help parents help their children be more successful in school and in life.” —Richard Herzberg,executive director, Bureau of Education and Research ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page vii Don’t Give Me That Attitude! 24 Rude, Selfish, Insensitive Things Kids Do and How to Stop Them Michele Borba, Ed.D. ffirs.qxd 2/9/04 3:47 PM Page viii Copyright © 2004 by Michele Borba.All rights reserved. Published by Jossey-Bass A Wiley Imprint 989 Market Street,San Francisco,CA 94103-1741 www.josseybass.com Note to the Reader:All of the letters in this book have been received from parents over the past few years.The names of the parents and children,as well as their loca- tion,have been changed to protect their privacy. No part of this publication may be reproduced,stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted in any form or by any means,electronic,mechanical,photocopying, recording,scanning,or otherwise,except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act,without either the prior written permission of the Publisher,or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center,Inc.,222 Rosewood Drive,Danvers,MA 01923,978-750-8400,fax 978-646-8600,or on the Web at www.copyright.com. Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department,John Wiley & Sons,Inc.,111 River Street,Hoboken,NJ 07030,201- 748-6011,fax 201-748-6008,e-mail:[email protected]. Jossey-Bass books and products are available through most bookstores.To contact Jossey-Bass directly call our Customer Care Department within the U.S.at 800- 956-7739,outside the U.S.at 317-572-3986,or fax 317-572-4002. Jossey-Bass also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats.Some content that appears in print may not be available in electronic books. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Borba,Michele. Don’t give me that attitude! :24 rude,selfish,insensitive things kids do and how to stop them / Michele Borba.— 1st ed. p.cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 0-7879-7333-5 (alk.paper) 1. Attitude change in children.2. Child rearing. I.Title. BF723.A76B67 2004 649’.64—dc22 2003022251 Printed in the United States of America FIRSTEDITION PB Printing 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1