In keeping with literary tradition, we would have liked to dedicate this book to our moms. However, in the first section alone are the words “nipples,” “breasts,” “balls,” “bitch,” “shit,” “nuts,” “pussy,” “genitals,” “man-boobs,” and “go fuck yourself,” so we decided to spare everyone the overwhelming discomfort. SPORTS & FITNESS Guys who insist on playing everything shirts & skins Guys who are more comfortable nude at the gym than I am at home Guys who verbally encourage themselves while working out Obese guys who lose to skinny guys in eating competitions Guys who know more about sports than we wish they did Guys who work out with their girlfriends Guys who know karate who've never kicked anyone's ass Guys who still wonder how much we can bench Guys who are way too into their company softball team Guys in steam rooms with wandering eyes Guy gym trainers with terrible bodies Guys who bring their own pool sticks to bars SEX & RELATIONSHIPS Guys who say, “We're pregnant” Oblivious third-wheel guys Picky wingmen Guys who keep reminding us of the time they had a threesome Guys who insist a stripper was into them Guys who propose to their girlfriends in hot air balloons Guys who tell us how many times they beat off last night Guys who include hookers in their lifetime tally of lays Guys in pornos who don't wear condoms Guys who wear T-shirts declaring their prowess with the female anatomy Incredibly gay guys who are the last ones to know it Guys who email us porn that haunts our dreams GROOMING, HYGIENE & FASHION Guys with Amish beards who aren't Amish Guys with startling unibrows Guys getting manicures in broad daylight Guys with perfect perma-scruff Guys who can't stop pitting Guys who shave their balls Balding guys who haven't shaved their heads yet Guys who go to costume parties dressed as anything adorable Guys who wear vintage clothes Guys who wear winter hats indoors ETIQUETTE Guys who over-hug Guys who won't acknowledge their lactose intolerance Guys who strike up conversations at urinals Practical joke guys who mistake danger for humor Guys who try to get us to look at their giant turds Guys who think we have a special handshake when we really don't Guys who rub their friends’ shoulders Old guys who fart and think we don't notice Guys who bring more than one other guy to a party Guys who actually think they do a good robot Guys who try to get us to bet on everything Guys who explode in public bathrooms Guys who wear sunglasses during nonprofessional poker games BARS, DRINKING & ENTERTAINMENT Guys who try to turn every activity into a drinking activity Guys in bars who pretend they're reading Guys who pretend they're having a lot more fun than they really are Guys who dodge paying for their round of drinks Guys who impersonate Arnold Schwarzenegger A-holes who work the doors at clubs Guys in Vegas who insist on gambling despite being plastered Barbacks who stand around while we need drinks Guys who still quote The Holy Grail and/or Spinal Tap Guys who always have a new shitty band for us to listen to Guys who listen to Dave Matthews on purpose Guys who dance with the girls dancing on the bar FINAL EXAM The Don't Be That Guy Quiz FOREWORD Don't Be That Guy is for anyone who's ever looked across the room and said, “Is it me, or is that guy a complete ass?” In these pages you'll find validation that he is, in fact, a complete ass, and feel justified in pointing and laughing at him. You'll also gain a better understanding of the friends, colleagues, boyfriends, brothers, and husbands in your lives—while dramatically improving your ability to mock them. This book is also for the guys themselves. The ones who make us shake our heads at all the annoying little things they do. To all of you, consider this book a friendly full-length mirror: an honest little reflection to help you see the bonehead we all see in you. Now, there is one caution worth mentioning before you get started. You may find yourself reading along and chuckling at the ironic truth of these insights, when suddenly the laughter stops. You turn the page and see something that isn't funny at all: you. This can happen unexpectedly, and can hurt a little. But don't be alarmed, there's a whole new guy to ridicule on the next page. If, however, it's you again … well, apparently you've got some stuff to sort out.