1 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions Copyright 2008 Tim Brownson Although this book is free, no part may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. If you like this book check out the authors blogs at www.adaringadventure.com and www.howtoberichandhappy.com The hardback version of this book is available from A Daring Adventure or Amazon.com If you would like more than 5 copies to give as gifts please send your enquiry to [email protected] as discounts may well apply. 2 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions Table of Contents ................................................................................................................ 3 INTRODUCTION .................................................................................................................... 5 The Two Most Powerful Questions In The World ............................................................. 8 Who Is The Most Important Person In The World To You? .......................................... 10 Comparison Doesn‟t Deliver Contentment .................................................................. 12 Are You Open-Minded? ................................................................................................... 14 The Storm Before The Calm ............................................................................................. 16 There Is No Criticism Only Feedback ............................................................................. 18 You Can Do It, You Just Don‟t Know It .......................................................................... 20 Change Causes Change ................................................................................................ 22 If He Can - You Can .......................................................................................................... 23 Do You Get It? ................................................................................................................... 25 If You Can Imagine It, You Can Have It ........................................................................ 27 Death Is Not The Enemy ................................................................................................... 29 Don‟t Chase Happiness ................................................................................................... 31 It‟s Ok To Feel Down .......................................................................................................... 33 Know Your Values .............................................................................................................. 34 No News Is Good News .................................................................................................... 36 Set Your Own Reality ......................................................................................................... 38 Stuff Happens ..................................................................................................................... 40 Shut The Duck Up .............................................................................................................. 42 Whatever You Do, Just Do Something .......................................................................... 44 You Must Read This Chapter ........................................................................................... 46 3 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions Where Are You Going and When Will You Get There? ............................................. 48 SMARTER Goals .................................................................................................................. 50 Don‟t Take This Personally ................................................................................................ 52 Do What You Love ............................................................................................................ 54 Don‟t Let Fear Hold You Back ......................................................................................... 57 Bite Your Lip ........................................................................................................................ 59 Curiosity Didn‟t Kill The Cat .............................................................................................. 61 Control Your Thoughts ...................................................................................................... 63 Don‟t Control Your Thoughts ........................................................................................... 65 Embrace Failure ................................................................................................................. 67 Belief Is A Powerful Thing .................................................................................................. 69 Ask For Help ........................................................................................................................ 70 Your Best Is Always Good Enough .................................................................................. 72 You Get What You Focus On .......................................................................................... 74 Turn Off Your Phone And Relax ....................................................................................... 76 Had A Bad Day — How Do You Know? ......................................................................... 78 Lower Your Standards ....................................................................................................... 80 Beat Procrastination .......................................................................................................... 83 Learn From Your Mistakes ................................................................................................. 85 Are You Setting The Right Kind Of Example? ................................................................ 87 Stack The Deck .................................................................................................................. 90 4 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions July 2007 I think it was about 1995 that I read my first self-development book. It was the classic „How To Win Friends And Influence People‟ by Dale Carnegie and after I finished it I vowed to do as the title suggested from then until the day I died. That lasted about a week maybe two and I don‟t think I won any friends or influenced any other people with my newfound wisdom. Fast forward to about the year 2000 and after a referral from a friend I picked up a copy of „Awaken The Giant Within‟ by Anthony Robbins. Once more I dived in with gusto and thoroughly enjoyed the book. I was determined and committed to awakening my own giant within although at the time I didn‟t realize he had taken an industrial strength dose sleeping tablet, washed down with a nice Sauvignon Blanc and wasn‟t getting up any time soon. Both of these books gathered dust for a year or two more until I once again decided that if I was to live until my 50th birthday and actually start getting the most out of my life I needed to make substantial changes sooner rather than later. I knew I had to reduce my stress levels, cut down on my workload and try and introduce something that had been lacking from my life for a number of years: Work/life balance. Initially I opted for books on audio. I wanted to utilize all the downtime stuck in traffic by learning and developing my understanding of what made me tick. The thing that often frustrated me was that a lot of these programs came with exercises included. Usually I would skip past that stage and vow to return when I wasn‟t driving. I never did. By the time I got to the end I was just too eager to move on to the next earth- shattering, eye-opening nugget that was going to flip the switch inside my head from auto-pilot to manual to actually stop and do anything concrete about it. It never ceases to astonish me that so many people want to make improvements in their life but so few are prepared to actually do anything to facilitate that change. It is a little bit like joining a gym and expecting the pounds to drop off as you sit at home eating pizza and drinking cold beer whilst lovingly admiring your shiny new membership card. I‟d like you to suspend judgment and remain open-minded as you read this book. Not just about the messages that are in it although of course that would be a good idea too, but much more importantly, about you and your own capabilities. 5 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions I have faith in you and an unshakeable confidence that you can be the person that you aspire to be. That you can make the improvements in your life that you want to see and you can make them whenever you want to. That is the good news. The bad news is that there may well be a little discomfort; some doubts and maybe even some rare occasions where you wished you hadn‟t bothered. The reason for this is that to make lasting change you have to step outside your comfort zone from time to time. Our comfort zone is called that for a good reason. It doesn‟t require we do anything out of the ordinary, it is familiar and it just feels like it is the right place to be. The down side though is that it can restrict our mental, spiritual and emotional growth and hide our potential from us. It really doesn‟t have our best interests at heart; it just seems that way. If you pick this book up and think simply by reading the words you can become a better person you are probably wrong. You need to read them, absorb them and believe in them, not because I or anybody else may say so but because they make sense to you. You can flick through the chapters in pretty much any order because although some have been positioned for a reason, it really isn‟t that important However, I would encourage you from time to time to dip back into the parts of the book that have made the most significant impact on you and re-read them. About The Questions The questions that are at the end of each chapter are an integral part of the book. They are designed to make you stop and think. Read through each question carefully and really give it some thought as to how it applies to you and your life. Do this before you move on to the next chapter. Then decide what action you can and more importantly, will take. Without action nothing will change and if nothing changes then guess what? Nothing changes. About NLP NLP stands for Neurolinguistic Programming and I make several references to it in the book. I like to think of it as an umbrella term for all sorts of techniques and methods for helping people change and achieve excellence. It really isn‟t that important that you know anything more than that, unless of course you want to. In which case you can read more at my blog. 6 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions About The Writing Style I have been told that I have a strange writing style. I think the reason for this is that I tend to write as I talk i.e. quickly and without coming up for air too often. My belief is that as you get into the book you will start to get to grips with it and, by the end, be convinced that I am a literary genius the likes of which the planet has never known before. Was that a run on sentence? I have no idea, which is probably part of my problem. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing this and know that I have learned a great deal about myself in the process. My only wish now, is that it helps you to be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. Cheers Tim 7 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions 1 “Children ask better questions than adults. May I have a cookie? Why is the sky blue? and What does a cow say? are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than Where’s your manuscript? Why haven’t you called? and Who’s your lawyer?” - The more life coaching I do the more I come to believe that the quality of our life and those around us is heavily influenced by the quality of our questions, and by that I do not necessarily mean the questions we ask of others but the ones that we ask of ourselves. I want to tell you about the two questions that I think are the most powerful in the world. I‟m absolutely serious about this, if you can bring these questions to mind in moments of crisis I guarantee that you will immediately be better able to deal with the issue at hand. The first question is to be used when something has not gone as planned. It may be you missed a job opportunity or even lost your own job, it may be something less stressful like losing a game of tennis or not hitting your target weight by the date you set. It can be used in a multitude of different circumstances, and as you play about with it, I‟m sure you will choose those that are most advantageous to you. What Can I Learn From This Situation? Simple really like most great things, but it does work. If when things do not go to plan you still extract positives and use it as a learning experience, then each subsequent event will improve. The problem many people have is a tendency to dwell on the negative rather than on the positive. Most situations do contain a positive even if it‟s very well hidden. When you become a master at extracting it then you will also be a master at improving yourself and dealing with problems in your stride. Haven‟t we all had events that seemed catastrophic at the time that turned out to be blessings in disguise? The firing that lead to starting a business, the break up 8 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions that lead to a more fulfilling relationship or maybe even that illness that lead to taking better care of your health. What Else Can This Mean? This is a question I use on a daily basis because I think it is so valuable. Think of this scenario: You have arranged to meet your partner or good friend for dinner and you arrive on time at the restaurant. The other person still hasn‟t shown up after 10 minutes and you start to say to yourself “typical, she is always late, she simply has no respect for other people”. Not really very useful is it and not very likely to pave the way for a great night? How about if you asked yourself what else can this mean? Now you have choices. The internal voice could now be saying “she must really care about me because she is obviously taking the time to look her best” or “It really wasn‟t very thoughtful of me to pick a restaurant that is so dogged by bad traffic I‟d better make a real effort to make up with a great night” Both of these are guaranteed to prevent any arguments and make sure you keep things in perspective. Think and reflect for a moment on the last time that you had an argument with a loved one. Try and briefly regain those feelings by seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard and feeling what you felt. Now recreate the internal dialogue that was going on inside your head. What are you saying to yourself? Are you asking questions that are helpful or are you asking questions that are likely to exacerbate the situation and lead to an argument? At times like this we often disappear inside and look for evidence to support our opinion that we are perfectly justified in feeling like we do. Well, we have another alternative, and that is to ask, “What else can this mean?” and to put a hugely positive spin on the situation by changing our state and our outlook. Question: What kind of questions do you ask yourself? Are they serving you well? 9 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions 2 “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” - This is a question that I ask most of my coaching clients at some point or another. As you would no doubt expect, the answer varies but it usually leads to some deep thought. The thought processes that it invokes are the real reason I ask the question. From experience I know that the answer I am looking for is not the one I am going to get. I hope that you are taking the time now to think how you would answer that question if your spouse, your child, or a friend were to ask you. Think about it seriously. Don‟t just blurt out the most obvious answer or the answer that you think they would want to hear. Hopefully after careful consideration you‟ve come to the conclusion that YOU are the most important person to you. It‟s not your wife or husband or parents or even your kids, it is YOU. Without you everything else literally ceases to exist. Too many people spend their lives putting other people first and never themselves. This is simply the wrong way round. Of course we want to look after our loved ones as best we can, but without love for ourselves it is almost impossible to offer it to anybody else. I am sure you are familiar with the aircraft safety process that calls for putting on your own oxygen mask in an emergency before trying to help others. That is because you can‟t help anybody else if you can‟t breathe yourself. Soon you‟d become useless; in fact worse than that, you would become a burden on those around you. Life is like that. By giving away all your resources you soon cease to be a help to those that matter to you or depend on you and you become a liability. I know a lot of people will think of this as the nonsensical ramblings of a selfish man and will not accept what I am saying. I can understand that, but let me tell you a secret. 10 Don’t Ask Stupid Questions There Are No Stupid Questions