THE N A T I O N A L B E S T S E L L E R A STEP-BY-STEP APPROACH TO MAKING YOUR MARRIAGE LOVING AGAIN I MARRIAGE-SAVING TECHNIQUES THAT: •GET RESULTS WITHIN A MONTH •FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS, NOT PROBLEMS •CAN BE USED ALONE OR WITH YOUR SPOUSE MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS ALSO BY MICHELE WEINER-DAVIS In Search of Solutions: A New Direction in Psychotherapy . (with William Hudson O'Hanlon) * •!* r- n n » » m i *#*• B FIRESIDE Rockefeller Center 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, New York 10020 Copyright © 1992 by Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, CSW All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. First Fireside edition 1993 FIRESIDE*afrfd ^J^hori^ rfegilt^red trademarks * Gf*Si*i<P &fSchuste| | Designed by C^rla^V|i|e /Levavi & Levavi Manufacture®In the United States of America 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 21 23 25 27 29 30 28 26 24 22 Pbk. Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data Weiner-Davis, Michele. Divorce busting : a revolutionary and rapid program for staying together / Michele Weiner-Davis. p. c.m. Includes bibliographical references and index. 1. Marriage. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Communication in marriage. 4. Marital psychotherapy. I. Title. HQ734.W4373 1992 646.7'8—dc20 91-34520 CIP ISBN: 0-671-72598-x ISBN: 0-671-79725-5 Pbk. To my mother, father, and two brothers. To my children, Danielle and Zachary, who continually remind me of what's important in life. Most of all, to my husband, Jim, whose never-ending support, charitable ear, down-to-earth advice, and painstaking editorial suggestions made this book a reality. He selflessly nurtured me during my intense year-long affair with writing and did so with­ out complaining. The gift of his friendship has not gone unno­ ticed or unappreciated. Acknowledgments Although only one name appears on the book’s cover, many peo­ ple have generously contributed their time to making this book a reality. I am fortunate to have colleagues, friends, and family who have provided support and/or insightful feedback on the manu­ script, such as George Enns, Eve Lipchik, Tony Heath, Rich Si­ mon, Mike Nichols, Suzanne Barrows, and Diane Woodruff. A special thanks to Mike Nichols for having spread good rumors about my work. I am also extremely appreciative of my colleagues at the Amer­ ican Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, particularly Diane Sollee and Virginia Rutter, for their support and for pro­ viding me with the opportunity to “spread the word.” In addition, there are many colleagues who have greatly influ­ enced my thinking during the years I’ve been practicing therapy. The staff at the Brief Family Therapy Center has been one such major influence. I especially want to thank Steve de Shazer, who taught me to be “simple-minded.” He undoubtedly inspired many ideas presented throughout this book. In particular, I am grateful to Arnold Woodruff for his intel­ lectual support and friendship, for his never-ending assistance with the manuscript and, most important, for his not allowing me to take myself (or anything else for that matter) too seriously. I am lucky to have numerous family members cheering for me. Stand­ ing in front of the cheering crowd are Leah and Bill Davis and Lila Weiner, all of whom I love dearly. My clients are also owed special gratitude. They have allowed me to become an intimate part of their lives and placed their faith in my ability to help them improve their marriages. By so doing, they have taught me a tremendous amount about helping couples change. For this, I am greatly indebted. I want to thank Suzanne Gluck, my talented literary agent, for navigating my way through the publishing maze. Finally, special thanks to Laura Yorke, my patient editor, for her enthusiasm about my ideas even before the manuscript was a twinkle in my eyes, for providing insightful editorial comments and, most of all, for tolerating me. Contents Introduction: Love the One You’re With 11 PART ONE 23 CHAPTER 1: Divorce Is Not the Answer 25 CHAPTER 2: Illusions Leading to Dis-solutions 37 CHAPTER 3: What Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy Is and How It Can Help You—Fast 65 PART TWO 97 CHAPTER 4: It Takes One to Tango: Change Your Marriage by Changing Yourself 99 CHAPTER 5: Making a Habit of It: Identifying Patterns That Work 117 CHAPTER 6: Breaking the Habit: Interrupting Destructive Patterns 141 CHAPTER 7: Make Yourself Happy for a Change 185 PART THREE 203 CHAPTER 8: Keeping the Changes Going 205 CHAPTER 9: Is Working on My Marriage Working? 218 CHAPTER 10: Parting Words 231 Selected Bibliography 235 Recommended Reading 239 Index 241