More Praise for Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War ‘‘Scottlaysoutasimple—butnotsimplistic—approachtoconflict resolution.She provideslots ofexamples, assessments, andideas that should help anyone who even takes a little time to read and applyhermethod.’’ —RickMaurer,authorofWhyDon’tYouWantWhatIWant? ‘‘The book provides us with clear directions on how to resolve all kindsofpersonalandbusinessconflicts,drawinguponacompre- hensivearrayofpractical,academic,andintuitiveresources.’’ —ShariDunn,ManagingPrincipal,CompAnalysis .................16579$ $$FM 08-24-0708:46:34 PS PAGEi This page intentionally left blank .................16579$ $$FM 08-24-0708:46:34 PS PAGEii Disagreements, Disputes, and All-Out War 3 Simple Steps for Dealing with Any Kind of Conflict Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D. American Management Association New York • Atlanta • Brussels • Chicago • Mexico City • San Francisco Shanghai • Tokyo • Toronto • Washington, D.C. .................16579$ $$FM 08-24-0708:46:35 PS PAGEiii SpecialdiscountsonbulkquantitiesofAMACOMbooksare availabletocorporations,professionalassociations,andother organizations.Fordetails,contactSpecialSalesDepartment, AMACOM,adivisionofAmericanManagementAssociation, 1601Broadway,NewYork,NY10019. Tel:212–903–8316.Fax:212–903–8083. E-mail:[email protected] Website:www.amacombooks.org/go/specialsales ToviewallAMACOMtitlesgoto:www.amacombooks.org Thispublicationisdesignedtoprovideaccurateandauthoritative informationinregardtothesubjectmattercovered.Itissoldwiththe understandingthatthepublisherisnotengagedinrenderinglegal, accounting,orotherprofessionalservice.Iflegaladviceorotherexpert assistanceisrequired,theservicesofacompetentprofessionalperson shouldbesought. LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData Scott,GiniGraham. Disagreements,disputes,andall-outwar:3simplestepsfordealingwithanykindof conflict/GiniGrahamScott. p. cm. Includesbibliographicalreferencesandindex. ISBN-13:978–0-8144–8063–2 ISBN-10:0–8144–8063–2 1.Conflictmanagement.2.Interpersonalconflict.3.Conflict(Psychology).I.Title. HD42.S356 2008 303.6’9—dc22 2007017660 (cid:2)2008GiniGrahamScott,Ph.D. Allrightsreserved. PrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmerica. Thispublicationmaynotbereproduced, storedinaretrievalsystem, ortransmittedinwholeorinpart, inanyformorbyanymeans,electronic, mechanical,photocopying,recording,orotherwise, withoutthepriorwrittenpermissionofAMACOM, adivisionofAmericanManagementAssociation, 1601Broadway,NewYork,NY10019. Printingnumber 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 .................16579$ $$FM 08-24-0708:46:35 PS PAGEiv To everyone who has shared their conflicts with me in seeking assistance. Helping them resolve their conflicts helped me to develop the conflict resolution model described in this book. .................16579$ $$FM 08-24-0708:46:35 PS PAGEv This page intentionally left blank .................16579$ $$FM 08-24-0708:46:35 PS PAGEvi Contents Acknowledgments ix Introduction xi Section One: The Emotional-Rational-Intuitive (E-R-I) Method Chapter1: ManagingConflictwiththeE-R-IModel 3 Chapter2: DealingwiththeEmotions 11 Chapter3: UsingYourReason 22 Chapter4:WorkingwithYourIntuition 32 Section Two: Handling the Emotions Chapter5:Recognizing theReasonsforaConflict 41 Chapter6:DealingwithYourOwnAngersandFears 61 Chapter7:AvoidingtheResponsibilityTrap 76 vii .................16579$ CNTS 08-24-0708:46:39 PS PAGEvii viii ✧ CONTENTS Section Three: Applying Your Reason Chapter8:OvercomingConflictsThroughBetter Communication 95 Chapter9:UnderstandingtheDifferentConflictStyles 114 Chapter10:ChoosingtheBestConflictStyle 131 Chapter11:NegotiatingWin-WinSolutions 146 Chapter12:Learning toDeal withDifficultPeople 163 Section Four: Using Your Intuition to Discover New Possibilities Chapter13:ComingUpwithAlternativesandSolutions 187 Chapter14:Turning YourConflictsintoCreativeOpportunities 204 Index 217 AbouttheAuthor 225 .................16579$ CNTS 08-24-0708:46:39 PS PAGEviii Acknowledgments My thanks to the Community Boards of San Francisco, where I was a volunteer for several years on their conflict resolution panels and first becameinterestedinthisfield. ix .................16579$ $ACK 08-24-0708:46:44 PS PAGEix