This book is dedicated to Eric and to the soccer club ASPEN/St. Cloud USING THIS BOOK If your entire experience in French class was limited to fantasizing over Mireille (you know, the hot chick from those old French in Action instruction videos), you’ll have a hard time doing much with this book. Dirty French was written with the assumption that you already know enough French to get by. After all, this is a slang book, and slang tends to be the last thing you learn after getting down all the basic (and relatively useless) sayings, such as “I live in the red house” and “Yes, I like the library very much, thank you.” So, this isn’t a beginner’s grammar book. This is a book designed to take your French to the next level. The chapters and explanations are set up, however, so that even with just a little French in your murky past, you should be able to call out any Jean- Pierre who starts killing your buzz with some Merlot-induced rant about how the CIA really blew up the Twin Towers. You’ll find all your ammunition here, arranged by subject, chapter after chapter. The slang included here is totally up to date, the kind of stuff you’d hear on the streets of Paris today. Except in special cases, the English is given first, followed by the French. Sometimes the French is given with alternatives—laid(e), mon/ma—to account for gender differences. As we said before, this isn’t a grammar book and you’re not an idiot, so we expect that you’ll be able to figure it out without any more explanation than that. PRONOUNCING FRENCH〉〉〉〉〉〉 Here’s a brief refresher on pronunciation. This is not how to name the letters of the alphabet but how to pronounce them when they appear in words. The hardest thing for Americans to pronounce is the vowels. That’s because we Americans flatline our sentences in monotones, and aren’t used to pronouncing words with different emphasis. To get the hang of a good French pronunciation, you’ll have to start by getting in touch with your inner Inspecteur Clouseau and speaking with a dramatic French accent: “Hey dude, ya wanna go get high?” would become “hAAY dewwwd, yoooo waaahn toooo gooo geeet hIII?” Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it. One important reminder: Slang is situational, and the slang in this book can get pretty hard-core. Use it at the wrong time or place and you’ll find yourself in a bad situation (think Eddie Murphy walking into the biker bar in 48 Hours and yelling out, “Whey’ all da white wimmin at?”). So only use these expressions with people your own age, in situations where you know what’s going on. Now take your Dirty French and get dirty with it! CHAPTER 1 HOWDY FRENCH SALUTATIONS FRANÇAISES Hello Bonjour You probably shouldn’t use French slang with strangers, especially if they’re over 30, unless you want to get on their nerves right away. So when in doubt stick with the classic “Bonjour.” After you get to know someone a little better, feel free to use some of these slangier expressions. (As for women, you’ll get all kinds of attention if you try these with people you don’t know.) Hi Salut Hey!/Yo! Ho! Hey, you/Hey, baby Coucou Yo, dudes/guys! Oh, les gars! Yo, girls! Oh, les filles! On the telephone: Hello? Âllo? Hey! Salut! Good morning/Good evening Bonjour/Bonsoir In French there are a bunch of informal variations on “good morning” and “good evening” for you to choose from. Mornin’, honey! Bonjour, mon chéri (to a man)/Bonjour, ma chérie (to a woman) Hey, babe—good morning! Bonjour, toi! Mornin’! ’Jour! Evenin’! ’Soir! Night! Bonne nuit! The hello kiss La bise You probably know that the French greet each other with little pecks on the cheek, like pigeons doing a mating dance. This is the local equivalent of the American “college hug” (which the French think is weird—they’ll feel like you’re coming on to them if you even try it). TEXT MESSAGING—TEXTER〉〉〉〉〉〉 Text messaging has led to whole new ways of writing things by abbreviation: Later A+ (à plus) Catch you later A12C4 (à un de ces quatre) LOL MDR (Mort de rire; “dying laughing”) Screw you TG (Ta gueule) My ass (.) (Mon cul) Kiss my ass JTMD (Je t’emmerde) Go fuck yourself VTFF (Va te faire foutre) Women exchange these kisses with all friends, male and female, when seeing them for the first time each day. If you kiss one person in a group, you should kiss them all (as long as they’re roughly your age). And just go cheek to cheek and smooch the air; don’t actually touch your lips to them. Things are a bit different for men, who only use this kiss to greet female friends and their family. Among male friends, they simply shake hands. Let’s shake. On se serre la main. Should we hug? On s’embrasse? I’ll kiss “hello.” Je te fais la bise. “Kisses” (like on the phone or a postcard) Bisous; bises Kiss me on the mouth. Embrasse-moi sur la bouche. Do you wanna French kiss? On se roule une pelle? Literally, “to roll in a shovel.” The word baiser is a real problem in French. Traditional dictionaries will tell you that it’s a kiss—but that’s only in older French. Today, baiser means to fuck or to screw, both in the sexual sense (“I fucked your mom”) or in the mess-someone-up sense (“I fucked up your face”). What’s up? Quoi de neuf? In English, when asked “what’s up?” we usually give a one-word answer because, let’s face it, over here nobody really cares. But in France they’ll assume you actually want to know how they’re doing, and they’ll expect you to give a real answer, too. But stop short of mentioning how much it burns when you pee. How’s it goin’? Ça va? How you doin’? Tu vas bien? You doin’ good today? T’es en forme? Long time, no see! Ça fait longtemps, dis donc! Watcha up to? Qu’est-ce que tu me racontes? Nothing much. Pas grand chose. Same shit, different day. Comme d’hab’. How you been? Alors, qu’est-ce que tu deviens? So-so. Comme ci, comme ça. Same as always, man. Ben, toujours pareil. Good! Ça roule! Great! Ça gaze! Just peachy. J’ai la pêche! Awesome! Ça baigne! Unstoppable! Je pète le feu Literally, “I’m fartin’ fire” How’s it hanging? Qu’est-ce que tu fabriques? It’s hanging. On se débrouille. What’s the word? Quelles sont les nouvelles? Same old bullshit. Toujours le même bordel. What the hell are you up to? Qu’est-ce que tu fous? What the hell are you doing here? Qu’est-ce que tu fous là? Bye! Au revoir! There are a bunch of slangy ways to tell someone that you’re taking off. Bye. Bye; Salut. See ya. Ciao. Young people often use the Italian phrase. Later. À plus. Catch you later. À un de ces quatre. See ya on the flip side. À demain. Call me. On s’appelle. Let’s roll. On bouge; On y va. I’m out of here. Je me casse. Send me an e-mail/an IM. Balance-moi un mél/un SMS; un texto. Yo! Oh! The following expressions work really well to get people’s attention. Look! Regarde! Check that out! Regarde-moi ça! Hey, kid! Oh, jeune! In the South around Marseille people say, “Oh, minot!” Hey, babe! Salut, ma beauté! C’mere for a sec. Viens voir une minute. In this case, the French generally use “minute” instead of “second.” I gotta tell you something. J’ai un truc à te dire. If you are sitting outside (on “la terrasse”) at a nice café and want to get the waiter’s attention, we strongly recommend: Please, Sir/Madam Monsieur/Madame, s’il vous plaît! If you want them to know that you’re an American traveling in France for the first time and you’d like crappy, endlessly slow service, we strongly recommend: Boy!/Dude!