Dialogues with Children and Adolescents Psychoanalytic work with children is well-established and respected, but the sophisticated language used in psychoanalytic discourse can be at odds with how children communicate, and how best to communicate with them. Dialogues with Children and Adolescents: A Psychoanalytic Guide shows how these aims can be achieved for the most effective clin- ical outcome with children, from infancy up to late adolescence. Björn Salomonsson and Majlis Winberg Salomonsson draw on exten- sive case material which reveals the essence of communication between child and therapist. They enfranchise the patient of all ages as an equal participant in the therapeutic relationship. Presented in letter form, the cases contain no professional terms. Only the final chapter contains theo- retical commentaries applicable to each case. These terms and theories help to explain a child’s behaviour, the analyst’s technique and the back- ground to the disorder. This is new creative development in child therapy and analysis which is written in a very accessible style. Dialogues with Children and Adoles- cents will be essential reading for beginners in psychoanalytic work with children and will cast a fresh light on such work for more experienced clinicians. It will also appeal to the non-professional lay reader. Björn Salomonsson is a Swedish psychoanalyst in private practice and at the Mama Mia Child Health Centre. He is also a researcher at the Department of Women’s and Children’s Health, Karolinska Institutet, Stockholm. He has published on containment, the analysis of children with ADHD, various subjects on infant-mother psychoanalysis and on case presentation methods. His book Psychoanalytic Therapy with Infants and Parents was published by Routledge in 2014. Majlis Winberg Salomonsson is a Swedish training and child psycho- analyst. She works in private practice and is a lecturer at the Faculty of Psychology, University of Stockholm. Majlis is also a researcher at the Department of Women’s and Children’s Health, Karolinska Institutet, Stockholm. She has published papers on psychoanalysis with children and adolescents. This page intentionally left blank Dialogues with Children and Adolescents A Psychoanalytic Guide Björn Salomonsson and Majlis Winberg Salomonsson First published in English in 2016 as Dialogues with Children and Adolescents: A Psychoanalytic Guide by Routledge 2 Park Square, Milton Park, Abingdon, Oxon OX14 4RN and by Routledge 711 Third Avenue, New York, NY 10017 Routledge is an imprint of the Taylor & Francis Group, an informa business © 2016 Björn Salomonsson and Majlis Winberg Salomonsson The right of Björn Salomonsson and Majlis Winberg Salomonsson to be identified as authors of this work has been asserted by them in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. This work is a translation of a work previously published in Swedish as: Brev frän barnens O 2012 by Carlssons Bokförlag Translation into English by Pamela Boston All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publishers. Trademark notice: Product or corporate names may be trademarks or registered trademarks, and are used only for identification and explanation without intent to infringe. British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Salomonsson, Björn, author. [Brev frän barnens O. English] Dialogues with children and adolescents : a psychoanalytic guide / Bjorn Salomonsson and Majlis Winberg Salomonsson. pages cm “This work is a translation of a work previously published in Swedish as: Brev frän barnens O 2012.” 1. Child analysis. 2. Child psychotherapy. 3. Parent and child. I. Salomonsson, Majlis Winberg, author. II. Title. RJ504.2.S24713 2016 618.92'8914—dc23 2015031372 ISBN: 978-1-138-88464-9 (hbk) ISBN: 978-1-138-88465-6 (pbk) ISBN: 978-1-315-71596-4 (ebk) Typeset in Times by Apex CoVantage, LLC Contents Introduction 1 1 The Land of O 6 2 The hole in the escalator 11 3 Why are they doing like that? 19 4 Raging with love 27 5 Here comes Pippi Lundström 35 6 You’ll be deader than dead 43 7 We don’t look into each other’s eyes 49 8 My head is a mess 53 9 Restless and ruthless – or just rootless? 59 10 Letter from the volcano 66 11 That tingling feeling 75 12 No connection 79 13 The first time that I saw you 86 vi Contents 14 The last time that I saw you 100 15 Commentaries on Chapters 2–12 113 References 147 Index 153 Introduction “Anyone who has travelled has a story to tell”. Or, as the old saying fig- ured in our secondary school German grammar books, “Wer eine Reise tut, hat etwas zu erzählen”. We are two psychoanalysts who have “trav- elled” a great deal with children and youngsters. However, we are not referring to tourist trips to faraway places or countries. Rather, our jour- neys have always had the same destination – our consulting rooms. Our itineraries may have seemed monotonous, at least in the external sense of the word; every meeting took place in the same office room, with the same analyst. However, a closer look reveals the itineraries to have been varied and unpredictable; we encountered children who were crying in despair, giggling in excitement, roaring with anger and telling us horror stories with Dickensian imagination. As the years went by, we felt an increasing need to tell others about our experiences. We started to write a kind of travel book, portraying the feelings and thoughts of children and youngsters. Young people some- times leave us completely out in the cold by something they do or say. At other times they impress us as being incredibly funny and inventive. They may even go as far as to seem infinitively complicated or enig- matic. Indeed, they themselves are often unaware of why they are doing all these things. No wonder children often seem incomprehensible to us adults. We hesitate to give our readers a little language lesson at this stage, but we just have to! In Swedish, our mother tongue, many words that are used to make negations begin with the prefix “o”. For exam- ple, “intressant” means interesting and “ointressant” means uninterest- ing. Children, however, never appear “O-interesting” to us. They rather strike us as “O-believable”, “O-imaginable”, “O-comprehensible”, and “O-predictable”. In the end we concluded that our impressions of the children we had met over the years could be summarized into one single letter: O! At this stage of our discussions, the “Land of O” emerged as an apt metaphor of the child’s inner world. How were we to visualize this 2 Introduction “land” to readers who perhaps had not been as close to it as we had? Our solution was to do the same thing as we ourselves did when we were travelling youths: to write a set of “letters from the Land of O”, back and forth between the children and ourselves. In fact, we had yet another reason to choose the letter O. However, let us not jump ahead without first addressing a question that you as a reader must certainly be posing already: “For whom is this book written?” Our book addresses anyone who has been puzzled about a little child’s strange remarks, the funny hobbies of a young school child or a teenager’s contradictory emotions. Perhaps you are a grandfather or a grandmother, or maybe a parent, who is concerned about what might be troubling your grandchild or child. Alternatively, you might be young yourself and wonder about your own feelings and actions as well as those of young people around you. Or you might be a professional working with children at a preschool, a school, an after-school or hobby programme or within a health care facility. Sooner or later, everyone who spends time with a child will end up asking why they seem so “O-comprehensible”. Indeed, most of us have tried to understand – most often in vain – what lies behind the desperate crying of the little baby, the obstinate sulking of the two-year-old, the agitated troublemaking of the six-year-old or the endless emotional swings of the fifteen-year-old. As psychoanalysts, we work with children in a way that enables us to get to know each one of them individually through lengthy dialogues in a relationship – and quite an intense one at that. Together with the child, we have been swept into the midst of many stormy emotions. After hard work, together with the child in psychotherapy, we have been able to get out of these storms and have thus come to understand them better. We have found out something about the depths of the child. Such recesses are not easy to access when you see a child more sporadically or in a less focused situation. As we see it, one of the best places for discover- ing them is the psychotherapist’s office. One major aim of the book is therefore to provide examples from our daily practice of what a child may look like internally. When we explain that our stories are presented in the form of a cor- respondence between the children and us, please do not misunderstand us. In Chapter 2, our first letter-writer, “Bonnie”, is two and a half years old. She obviously did not write what you will read there. Her letters, like those of the other children, are rather our way of conveying how we think children and youngsters feel inside. We refer to how they think and feel, what they contemplate and what makes them so overwhelmed by things that we adults think are mere trivialities. Some letters refer to vari- ous dialogues and events that have taken place during therapy. Does this mean that we write letters to our patients in reality? No, the letters are Introduction 3 our mode of clarifying and bringing out what has been going on in our consulting rooms. In this way, we are able to provide the perspectives of both parties, the children and ourselves. As you will see, not every letter-writer in the book is based upon a patient whom we have actually met. Some are literary persons whom we have chosen in order to illus- trate issues which many children are struggling with today. Any therapist who wants to write about patients meets with the task of protecting their anonymity. As for our young patients, such as Maya, Noah and other children in the book, their stories have been de-identified and they have been given other names. Every time we felt the least hesi- tation, we consulted the parents to get their approval for publication. As for Pippi Longstocking (or Hanna Lundström, as we name a girl who identifies strongly with Pippi), Ronia, the robber’s daughter, and Moses from the Bible, the stories represent our fantasies about these famous characters. We hope they will not mind our rummaging about a little with their lives . . . Every chapter can also be read from a theoretical perspective. The- ory – we know that word sounds thorny and difficult! However, the truth is that every human being regards the world and his fellow human beings from theoretical perspectives. We do not always make these theories clear to ourselves. Nevertheless, they are there and they influence us. You may have said something like, “My goodness, Charlie is really a pain but after all he’s going through his terrible twos.” Or, “My boss just got divorced. I guess he’s having a typical midlife crisis.” These state- ments are actually based on your theories about why people behave as they do, regardless of whether they are toddlers or middle-aged men. Our stories have been written from a psychoanalytic perspective. Sim- ilarly to the more commonplace theories like the ones mentioned earlier, psychoanalysis also has things to say about troublemaking Charlie and your newly divorced boss, as well as many other emotional phenomena seen in human beings. However, it does so much more systematically and comprehensively. Many people tend to distance themselves from terms like “the Unconscious” or “the Oedipus complex”. They might feel reverence or even awe and claim that these terms are too exclusive and incomprehensible for them to use at all. Or, they might be sceptical and assert that modern science has proved the theories behind the terms to be obsolete, false or not evidence-based. To us, psychoanalytic theory is simply a smart way of describing what goes on when we meet our patients in our consulting rooms – as well as when we meet a child in the playground who is making trouble or a boss at the office who is having a midlife crisis. We hope to show you that psychoanalytic theory is neither too exclusive to be used by laymen nor too obsolete to be used by us, people of the twenty-first century.