dharma punx A MEMOIR n o a h l e v i n e For Toby Munyon, Theresa Ferraro, my parents, and all spiritual revolutionaries— past, present, and future Contents Preface v Acknowledgments ix 1. Suicide Solution 1 2. Kids of the Black Hole 5 3. It’s in My Blood 13 4. Fuck Authority 21 5. Teenage Wasteland 29 6. No Remorse 43 7. Live Fast Die Young 52 8. Nailed to the X 65 9. I Need Your Shelter 76 10. Serve the Truth, Defy the Lie 85 11. My Friends Look Out for Me Like Family 89 12. No Spiritual Surrender 94 13. Who Killed Bambi? 102 14. Love Sick 116 15. The Inner Revolution 127 16. Wander Lust 132 17. Meditate and Destroy 171 18. Die, Die, My Darling 179 19. Reincarnation 213 20. Inside Out 221 21. Being Here Now 226 22. Death Is Not the End My Friend 235 23. Stay Free 242 Epilogue 247 Mindfulness Meditation Instructions 249 Resources 253 iii About the Author Credits Cover Copyright About the Publisher Preface Dharma Punx is my story and it’s a story about my generation: the punks, the kids all around the world who searched for meaning and liberation in the age of Reagan, Thatcher, and the Cold War’s con- stant threat of total nuclear annihilation. I sought a different path than that of my parents. I totally rejected meditation and all the spiritual shit they built their lives on. Looking at the once idealistic hippie generation who had long since cut their hair, left the commune, and bought into the system, we saw that peace and love had failed to make any real changes in the world. In re- sponse, we felt despair and hopelessness, out of which came the punk rock movement. Seeking to rebel against our parents’ pacifism and society’s fascist system of oppression and capitalist-driven propa- ganda, we responded in our own way, different from those before us, creating a new revolution for a new generation. Painfully aware of the corruption in the government and inconsistencies in the power dy- namics in our homes, we rebelled against our families and society in one loud and fast roar of teen angst. Unwilling to accept the dictates of the system, we did whatever we could to rebel. We wanted freedom and were willing to fight for it. The situation was compounded by the personal despair that I and so many of my generation were facing: broken homes, addicted par- ents, useless school teachers, and a total lack of elders to look up to. Most of our parents were too busy to pay attention to us as they tried v dharma punx vi to survive the aftermath of the sixties or succeed in the race for riches in the seventies and eighties. In my case, my mother was battling with addiction and two broken marriages, doing her best to raise four children. My father was so ded- icated to spiritual practice and service that at times it kept him from being as available to me as I probably needed. So I and countless others hit the streets, fueled by the music of rev- olution, anger, angst, fear, despair, hatred, and a total dissatisfaction with the status quo. We dyed our hair or shaved our heads, we donned a new uniform to set us apart from the mindless masses of adults and brain-dead herds of kids who were going along with the lies, buying into the great American fallacy, playing sports, going to school, and listening to the awful popular music of the eighties that carried no meaningful messages and was just another symptom of the disease of apathy and materialism that plagues our society. Drugs and booze seemed to be the only effective escape from the feelings of hopelessness and despair. Many of us went directly to nar- cotics as teenagers. Eating acid like it was candy and chasing speed with cheap vodka, smoking truckloads of weed, consuming gallons of cheap beer, all in a vain attempt to get numb and stay numb. We em- braced a nihilistic outlook on life. Set apart from mainstream society, we were a constant target of violence and ridicule. Fighting to survive, fighting for our views and right to be different, we often found our- selves involved in some battle or another; if it wasn’t with the cops, it was with the jocks or hicks or each other. Our lives of violence and drugs led to many early deaths: over- doses, murders, car accidents, and countless suicides. Death and grief has been a central part of the lives of all the kids who were associated with the early punk rock scene. Following the examples set by Sid Vicious and Darby Crash, our goal was to live fast, do lots of drugs, and fuck the system by dying young. Half of the kids from the crew of punks I hung out with in the eighties are dead. This book is about those of us who didn’t die young and are still around, those of us who don’t go around talking about punk as “just a p r e f a ce vii phase” we went through as kids. Dharma Punx is about those of us who, motivated by the same dissatisfaction with life that brought us to the punk rock scene, now have turned toward spiritual practice as a nonviolent form of the revolution. It is a true story about finding in meditation and service the freedom I was seeking as a young idealistic punk rocker. Having clearly seen the uselessness of drugs and vio- lence, I and others have found positive ways to channel our rebellion against the lies of society. Still fueled by anger at injustice and suffer- ing, we now use that energy to awaken to our own natural wisdom and compassion instead of for self-destruction. This is a story about those of us who have taken ourselves and our struggles off of the streets. We now fight the inner battle against delu- sions and ignorance, yet we continue to express ourselves outwardly in our own unique punk rock ways. Having put down the booze and drugs, having let go of the violence and hatred, having lost too many friends to prison and death, we have found the highest spiritual truth, the Dharma. The spiritual path that was described by the Buddha as being “against the stream,” against man’s selfish desires and igno- rance. This fits in perfectly with the punk rock ethic. We’ve turned the outer rebellion into an inner revolution. Spiritual truth comes in many different forms and through many different spiritual traditions. While I find myself primarily engaged in Buddhist practice, some of the other Dharma Punx have dedicated themselves to the Sufi path of Islamic mysticism, to a personal rela- tionship with Christ, or to the Hindu path of devotion and service. I use the term “Dharma” to mean the Truth with a capital T, and, as my father often reminds me, “That which is true is found in all spiritual and religious traditions.” No one has the corner on the Truth. This book will take you on an intense journey from the streets to Juvenile Hall and from Juvenile Hall to the meditation hall. It follows the life of a confused kid and his search for clarity. It is the story of not just one life but of the lives of several people who have come to- gether to form our crew, the Dharma Punx. A group of men and women who are deeply committed to spiritual practice and engaged dharma punx viii service in the world. These are the new faces of the punk rock scene, a group of committed Dharma practitioners who you can still find down at the local club singing along to their favorite bands and doing the occasional stage dive. This is not a fictional tale of romantic suffering or a Hollywood love story. It’s about real people, real loss, and genuine spiritual growth. This is a story of transformation, that of a part of a generation often touted as X, who now find meaning and purpose in spiritual practice and service. It is a full circle, from being institutionalized to teaching meditation in institutions, from robbing and stealing to giv- ing and forgiving. It’s a story about finding freedom and then spending the rest of our lives giving it away.