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Title: Conundrums, Riddles and Puzzles Containing one thousand of the latest and best conundrums, gathered from every conceivable source, and comprising many that are entirely new and original Author: Dean Rivers Release Date: July 18, 2016 [EBook #52598] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES *** Produced by MWS, Carolyn Jablonski and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.) titlepage Conundrums Riddles and Puzzles Containing one thousand of the latest and best C onundrums, gathered from every conceivable source, and comprising many that are entirely new and original By DEAN RIVERS Philadelphia The Penn Publishing Company 1903 Copyright 1893 by The Penn Publishing Company Copyright 1900 by The Penn Publishing Company PREFACE A taste for guessing puzzles and enigmas is coeval with the race. The early Greeks were extremely fond of such intellectual exercises, and they are found in the language of all civilized nations. One of the brightest forms of these puzzles is that of the conundrum, the answer of which is usually a play upon words similar to the pun. Each language has its own particular form of this kind of wit, but the English language, on account of its composite nature, is especially rich in such forms of wit and humor. The compiler of this little volume has made a choice selection of conundrums from those in actual use among people belonging to refined and cultured society. They are classified under four principal heads—General Conundrums, Biblical Conundrums, Poetical Conundrums, and French Conundrums. Some of the most ingenious and interesting forms of wit will be found under each of these classes. In addition to these conundrums, the book contains a rare collection of arithmetical puzzles. These were especially prepared for the work by a mathematician of wide reputation who has used many of them in one of his own publications. They will be found of great interest to those who have a taste for numbers and their curious combinations and results. The collection as a whole will afford innocent recreation for the fireside and social circle, and thus contribute to the happiness of those who enjoy the higher forms of pleasure that flow from the exercise of the mind upon those subjects that require quickness of thought and a nimble wit. The Author. 3 4 CONTENTS PAGE General Conundrums, 9 Biblical Conundrums, 117 Poetical Conundrums, 125 French Conundrums, 133 Arithmetical Puzzles, 137 5 General Conundrums Why is life the greatest of all conundrums? Because we must all give it up. When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When its soldiers are all in quarters. Which is swifter, heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch cold. Why is a young lady like a letter? Because if she isn’t well stamped the mails (males) won’t take her. Why are dudes no longer imported into this country from England? Because a Yankee dude ’ll do (Yankee doodle doo). What flowers can be found between the nose and chin? Tulips (two lips). Why is a dude’s hat like swearing? Because it is something to avoid. How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to by the English prayer-book? Sixteen: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. Why is a bright young lady like a spoon in a cup of tea? Because she is interesting (in tea resting). Why does a young man think his sweetheart is like a door-knob? Because she is something to adore (a door). Why is the emblem of the United States more enduring than that of France, England, Ireland, or Scotland? The Lily may fade and its leaves decay, The Rose from its stem may sever, The Shamrock and Thistle may pass away, But the Stars will shine forever. Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it needs two heads and an application. What is the shape of a kiss? Elliptical. Why is a kiss like gossip? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle does it make? A rebus. What is it George Washington seldom saw, God never saw, and we see every day? Our equals. What is better than God, worse than the devil, the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing. Prove by logic that an oyster is better than heaven. Nothing is better than heaven; an oyster is better than nothing; therefore an oyster is better than heaven. What is the difference between a honeymoon and a honeycomb? One is a big sell, the other little cells. Why is a man who makes pens a wicked man? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens and then says they do write (right). What is the difference between a lady and an apple? One you have to get side her to squeeze, and the other you have to squeeze to get cider. Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul. Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during the week? Because during the week you get it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by the choir. Which death would you prefer to die, Joan of Arc’s or Mary Stuart’s? Most people prefer Joan of Arc’s, because they like a hot steak better than a cold chop. What great writer’s name might you appropriately mention if you were standing by the grave of Bob Ingersoll? Robert Burns. What three great writers names might you think of if you were watching a house burn down? Dickens, Howett, Burns. If you were invited out to dinner and on sitting down to the table saw nothing but a beet, what would you say? That beet’s all. Give a definition of love. An inward inexpressibility and an outward alloverishness; or, the classical definition of a collegiate is, “Love is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fusion of the intellect, sensibility, and will.” When is charity like a top? When it begins to hum. Why is a man sometimes like dough? Not because a woman needs (kneads) him, but because he is hard to get off of her hands. Why does a minister always say “dearly beloved brethren” and not refer to the sisters? Because the brethren embrace the sisters. What part of a ragged garment resembles the Pope’s title? Its Holiness. Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor alike? Because they have both stopped quacking. 9 10 11 12 When is the best time to read from the book of nature? When the spring opens the leaves and the autumn turns them. In what liquid does the Queen of England take her medicine? In cider (side her). Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side, then turns around and lies on the other. Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? Because they press their suits. When is a man of greatest use at the dinner-table? When he is a spoon. What is the difference between a rejected and an accepted lover? One misses the kisses and the other kisses the misses. What is the difference between a church deacon and a little rag-a-muffin? One passes the sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the passer. Why is a lover like a knocker? Because he is bound to adore (a door). In what colored ink should we write our secrets? In violet (inviolate). Why is a young lady like an arrow? Because she can’t go off without a bow (beau), and is in a quiver till she gets one. If a young lady fell into a well why couldn’t her brother help her out? Because, how could he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too? If all the women went to China, where would the men go? To Pekin. Why does a Russian soldier wear brass buttons on his coat, and an Austrian soldier wear steel ones? To keep his coat buttoned. What is the difference between an old penny and a new dime? Nine cents. How is the best way to make a coat last? To make the trousers and vest first. What word of four syllables would a man utter if he should eat his wife and wanted to express his approbation of the deed? Gladiator (glad I ate her). Why does a cat look on first one side and then another when she enters a room? Because she can’t look on both sides at the same time. Why is a widower like a young baby? Because he cries a great deal the first six months, looks around the second six months, and has hard work to get through his second summer. Why is Philadelphia more subject to earthquakes than any other city? Because she is a Quaker city. Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irishman rolling down a hill? Because he’s patroling (Pat rolling). If the alphabet were all invited out to supper, in what order would they come? They would all get there down to S, and the rest would come after T. What would contain all the snuff in the world? No one nose (knows). Why is a hound like a man with a bald head? Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long ways. What is the first thing a man sets in his garden? His foot. Who were the first astronomers? The stars, because they have studded the heavens ever since the creation. When may you be said to imbibe a piano? When you have a piano for tea (pianoforte). When may bread be said to be alive? When it has a little Indian in it. Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit half dollar passed on him want to get married? To get a better half. Why does a sculptor die a most horrible death? Because he makes faces and busts. Why do we generally dub a city her or she? Because about a city there is so much bustle and because she has outskirts. Why does a hair-dresser die a sad death? Because he curls up and dies (dyes). Why are washwomen great flirts? Because they wring men’s bosoms. If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two in the shade. Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is a zephyr, a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story, a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an attachment is love, and love is blind; therefore, the winds are blind. Why is a married man like a fire? Because he provokes his wife by going out at night. Why is a pig’s brain larger than any other animal’s? Because he has a hog’s head full. Where was the first Adams Express Company located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve was created. What is the difference between a young lady and a mouse? One charms the he’s, the other harms the cheese. Why are men like facts? Because they are stubborn things. What is the difference between a gardener and a Chinaman? One keeps the lawn wet, the other keeps the lawn dry (laundry). 13 14 15 16 Why is a young lady’s age after she has reached twenty-five like a floral wedding bell? Because it is never told. When is a door not a door? When it’s an egress (a negress). Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she deals in precious tones (precious stones). When is a bee a great nuisance? When it is a humbug. A New Yorker asks: What popular book could the two cities, New York and Philadelphia, be compared to? The Quick or the Dead. Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than in winter? Because in winter he wears a fur coat and in summer he wears a coat and pants. Why is it more dangerous to go out in the spring than any other time of the year? Because in the spring the grass has blades, the flowers have pistils, the leaves shoot, and the bullrushes out. What is the difference between a hill and a pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down. Why is a lazy dog like a hill? Because he is a slow pup (slope up). A man and goose once went up in a balloon together, the balloon burst and they landed on a church steeple, how did the man get down? Plucked the goose. Why is a man riding up a hill like a man taking a young dog to a lady? Because he is taking a gallop up (gal a pup). Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man? Because he is always looking down in the mouth and dams all his patients. What is the difference between a king’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan? A king’s son is the heir apparent, a monkey’s mother is a hairy parent, a bald head has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary a parent. If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices current of their pies? The pie rates of Penn’s Aunts (Pirates of Penzance). What celebrated man in English history might you name if you wished to tell your servant to replenish the fire in your grate? Philip the Great (fill up the grate). A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep and one died, how many remained? Nineteen. What is the difference between an Irishman on a bleak mountain-top and a Scotchman? One is kilt with the cowld and the other is cowled with the kilt. If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what would the wood come to burned on them for one month? Come to ashes. What is the difference between Niagara Falls and Queen Elizabeth? One is a wonder, the other is a Tudor. What is a soldier’s definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. Why is it easy to break into an old man’s house? Because his gait (gate) is broken and his locks are few. What word of only three syllables combines in it twenty-six letters? Alphabet. Where can one always find happiness? In the dictionary. When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U and I are one. Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies? Because he calls every miss a mith. What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans. Why are your eyes like friends separated by the ocean? Because they correspond but never meet. Why is a lady who faints in a public place like a good intention? Because she needs carrying out. What is the brightest idea in the world? Your eye, dear. What animal drops from the clouds? The rain, dear (reindeer). I went out walking one day and met three beggars; to the first I gave ten cents, to the second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I gave but five—what time of day was it? A quarter to three. What is that which by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? Noise. Why is a hen immortal? Because her son never sets. What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge. What will impress the ear more sharply than a falsetto voice? A false set of teeth. What is that which is put on the table and cut, but is never eaten. A pack of cards. What is the oldest table in the world? The multiplication table. Which river is the coldest? The Isis (ice is). Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew till late and destroy patience (patients). Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no other man has furnished so many stock quotations. 17 18 19 20 21 How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears an entire costume, the other wears simply a coat and pants. Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache like a cow’s tail? Because he grows down. Why is a professional thief very comfortable? Because he usually takes things so easy. When is a man obliged to keep his word? When no one will take it. Why is an attractive woman like a successful gambler? Because she has such winning ways. Why is the food one eats on an ocean steamer like a difficult conundrum? Because one is obliged to give it up. Why are stout men usually sad? Because they are men of sighs (size). Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would that men should do unto them. What is the difference between a woman and an umbrella? You can shut an umbrella up. Why would it be very appropriate for a man named Benjamin to marry a girl named Annie? Because he would be Bennie- fitted and she Annie-mated. Why is this continent like milk? Because it’s ours (it sours). What is the color of the winds and waves in a severe storm? The winds blew (blue), the waves rose. Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually selling that which he kneads himself. What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet done? Stop a minute. How can you by changing the pronunciation of a word only turn mirth into crime? By making man’s laughter manslaughter. Why is a room full of married people like an empty room? Because there is not a single person in it. Which one of the United States is the largest and most popular? The state of matrimony. Which nation produces the most marriages? Fascination. When is a horse like a house? When he has blinds on. Why is a bridegroom often more expensive than a bride? Because the bride is given away, but the bridegroom is often sold. Why is divinity the easiest of all professions? Because it is easier to preach than to practice. When is love deformed? When it is all on one side. What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to dress, and the other dresses to kill. When was B the first letter in the alphabet? In the days of No-a (Noah). How can I remove A from the alphabet? B-head it. Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. Why is modesty the strongest characteristic of a watch? Because it always keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works. Why is it right for B to come before C? Because we must B before we can C. Why are two t’s like hops? Because they make beer better. What kind of sense does a girl long for in a disagreeable suitor? Absence. Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the head of a pair of stairs? Because it sometimes runs down. Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi). What key in music would make a good officer? A sharp major. What is the key-note to good manners? B natural. Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp? Because he is A flat. What do ladies look for when they go to church? The Sams (psalms) and hims (hymns). Why are married men like steamboats? Because they are sometimes blown up. What ship contains more people than the “Great Eastern”? Courtship. Why is a ship like a woman? Because she is often tender to a man-of war; often running after a smack; often attached to a buoy (boy); and frequently making up to a peer (pier). Why do women make good post-office clerks? Because they know how to manage the mails (males). Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it is intended to keep the chaps away. If a pair of andirons cost $7.75, what would a ton of coal come to? To ashes. 22 23 24 25 What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses. Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it is seldom seen after Lent. On what day of the year do women talk the least? The shortest day. What is that which every living person has seen, but will never see again? Yesterday. What is the difference between dead soldiers and repaired garments? The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead). Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet yours (features). Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough before he gets another. Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you take it out again you see it increases. What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon wheel? Because she is surrounded by felloes (fellows). When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the congregation. What is the difference between form and ceremony? You sit upon one and stand on the other. What is the most awkward time for a train to start? 12.50, as it’s ten to one if you catch it. Why can negroes be safely trusted with secrets? Because they are sure to keep dark. Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal? Because he always has his back up. Why are doctors bad characters? Because the worse people are the more they are with them. Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unladylike thing when she married the late Lord Ragland Somerset? Because she turned a Somerset. Why can the world be compared to music? Because it is so full of sharps and flats. Why does a goose go into the water? For diver’s reasons. Why does a goose come out of the water? For sun-dry reasons. Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse? Because the more you lick it the faster it goes. Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage-stamp? Because you lick him with a stick and stand him in the corner. Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the centre of bliss, while E is in hell and all the others are in purgatory. What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last letter. Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their next world (necks twirled) in this. Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted? Because it is unlawful to condemn a man without a hearing. Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred horse? Because he’s a perfect brute. What is that which you can keep after giving to some one else? Your word. Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and defective. Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns. Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean? Because it contains many currants. Who may marry many a wife and still be single all his life? A clergyman. Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Because it once had a Solon (sole on). Why are washerwomen great travelers? Because they are continually crossing the line and running from pole to pole. What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is. What is a common miracle in Ireland? Waking the dead. Why are bachelors bad grammarians? Because when asked to conjugate they invariably decline. When could the British Empire be purchased for the lowest sum? When Richard the Third offered his kingdom for a horse. What is the largest room in the world? The room for improvement. Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette? Because there is always room for one more to be taken in. When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed. Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other dealers? Because it won’t do for them to crack up their goods. 26 27 28 29 What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband. Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? Because he requires bailing out. When does a ship tell a falsehood? When she lies at the wharf. When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? When he discovers a new star. What is the difference between a mother and a barber? The latter has razors to shave and the former has shavers to raise. Why are pianos noble characters? Because they are grand, upright, and square. What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicated? Toasts. When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When it’s rung for dinner. Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world? Because it never shows the white feather. Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose). Why are some girls like old muskets? Because they use a good deal of powder, but won’t go off. What kind of medicine does a man take for a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an’ he licks her). Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing. What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, and the other is cappy and hairless. Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both occasioned the fall of man. What is most like a hen stealing? A cock-robin. If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to get another? To a grog-shop, because bad spirits are retailed there. Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her). Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store like a house on fire? Because it starts all the bells (belles) in the city. Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there. How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard). If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? Chaucer (chaw, sir). Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his business makes him sell fish. When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman. Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline matrimony. Why can a blind man always see his father? Because the father is always apparent (a parent). What does Washington, D. C., stand for? Washington, daddy of his country. Why was a defeated candidate after the late election, like the earth? Because he was flattened at the poles. When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon. What ailment is the oak most subject to? A corn (acorn). Why does a horse eat in a very odd way? Because he eats best when he has not a bit in his mouth. What is the only organ without stops? A woman’s organ of speech. Give an Irishman’s definition of a lake. A hole in the tay-kettle. Why is man superior to woman? Because woman is only a side issue. Why is a lady when sick at sea like some of our literary men? Because she is a contributor to the Atlantic. Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? “Because she is a joy (jaw) forever.” What is the proper length for a young lady to wear her dress? A little above two feet. Why is a man who never bets as bad as a gambler? Because he is no bettor (better). When is a cigar like dried beef? When it is smoked. What table has no legs to stand upon? The multiplication table. How do young ladies sometimes show their dislike to mustaches? By setting their faces against them. Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? Because there are three scruples to a dram. Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it’s down in the mouth. What is that which we often return, but never borrow? Thanks. 30 31 32 33 What animals are always seen at funerals? Black kids. What is the difference between a French pastry cook and a bill sticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs. Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it’s so low (solo). Why is a dog biting his tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet. Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by day? Because at night he is let out, and in the day he is taken in. Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt before the battle. At what game do the waves of the sea play? At pitch and toss. Why are fowls the most economical things a farmer can keep? Because for every grain they give a peck. What is the difference between a pitcher of water and a man throwing his wife over a bridge? One is water in the pitcher, the other is pitch her in the water. When is a young lady not a young lady? When she’s a sweet tart (sweetheart). What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears). Why should architects make excellent actors? Because they are good at drawing houses. What weapon does a young man use if he kisses a young lady by mistake? A blunderbuss. What is the difference between an auction and seasickness? One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail. What should a clergyman preach about? About a half of an hour. Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it. What kind of a cat do we usually find in a large library? A cat alogue. What sea would a man like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic). Why was the French Empress always in bad company? Because she was always surrounded by Paris-ites. When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent). What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel. Why is the Louvre the cheapest palace ever erected? Because it was partly built for one sovereign, and finished for another. What is the difference between a cradle and the grave? The one is for the first-born, the other for the last bourne. How is an elephant’s head different from every other head? Because, if you cut his head off from his body, you don’t take it from the trunk. Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he prefers “zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer.” Which is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and then cured. Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey? Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense. If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? Tre-mend-us. What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they’re ashes still. What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou, and it wilted. When is a large river good for the eyes? When it’s eye (high) water. What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain. What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a net. What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames, which runs between Chel-sea and Batter-sea. What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, the other hates his book. What is that which you break by even naming it? Silence. When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists. What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because they’re Arno boats there. What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is soft down. What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at pleasure the other plays at leisure. Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can’t make them here (hear). Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living. 34 35 36 37 38 What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to wish for? One that blows fowl and chops about. What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy proceeding? Because it makes it hollow. What is that from which you may take away the whole and still have some left? The word wholesome. When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed. Why is English grammar like gout? Because it’s torture (taught yer). Give a good definition of a button. A small affair that is always coming off. What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. What is the difference between a choir master and a lady’s dress? The one trains a choir, the other acquires a train. Why has a great gymnast very wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles and thrives. What is a singular and melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he could recite his poems but could not resight himself. Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United States. What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? One gathers what he sows, the other sews what she gathers. What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey). Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes (close) of the week. Why is an actress like an angel? Because we seldom see one that is not painted. At what time by the clock is a pun most effective? When it strikes one. What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many answers? The door-bell. What kind of a book do some men wish their wives might resemble? An almanac, for then they could have a new one every year. Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you pass through. Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hardware (wear). Why is a list of celebrated musical composers like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete without a Handel. In what key should a man propose to his sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B minor). When a church is burning, what is the only part that stands no chance at all of being saved? The organ, because the engine can’t play upon it. Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster? Because we cannot enjoy it without crackers. When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly. If all the seas were dried up, what would old Neptune say? I really haven’t an ocean (a notion). Why is the letter A like twelve o’clock? Because it comes in the middle of day. Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, although always first in pity, he is always last in help. What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a thousand years? The letter M. Why are butchers thieves? Because they steal a knife and cut away with it. Why should a man troubled with the gout make his will? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees). Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful friend? Because, although you may load his back with silver, he will reflect on you. What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? The former talk without reflecting, the latter reflect without talking. Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast steel (Castile). On what supposition could pocket handkerchiefs build a house? If they became brick (be cambric). Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds? Because you never know the value of either until they are put under ground. When does a man always have brown hands? When he’s tand’em driving. What is that which is seen twice in “every day” and four times in “every week,” yet only once in a year? The vowel e. Which are the only two words in the English language where the five vowels follow in successive order? Facetious and abstemious. What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? Oroonoko. What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding another syllable to them? Quick and short. 39 40 41 42 What word composed of five letters can you take the first two letters from and have one remain? Stone. Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of letters? Disproportionableness. What relation is a child to its own father when it is not its own father’s son? A daughter. What is the difference between the milky way and a room full of great-grandfathers? One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale pas. What was it a blind man took at breakfast which restored his sight? He took a cup and saw, sir (saucer). Why are pipes all humbug? Because the best of them are all meer-shams. Why is a meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and colors beautifully. If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what fruit would you be reminded of? A pair. What is that which a cat has, but no other animal? Kittens. What are the features of a canon? Cannon-mouth, cannon-ize, and cannon-eers. Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven. Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is twenty-two (twenty, too). What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without transposing a letter? Herein—he, her, here, ere, rein, in. When is a teapot like a kitten? When you’re teasin’ it (tea’s in it). Why is a portrait like a member of Congress? Because it is a representative. Why is a madman like two men? Because he is a man beside himself. Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The wind—“Over the Hills and Far Away.” Why is an unbound book like a person in bed? Because it is in sheets. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgotten? Because it is out of the head. What is the difference between a glass of water and a glass of whiskey? Ten cents. Why is a paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags. Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables? Because it is all heart. Why is an intoxicated man like a noun adjective? Because he seldom stands alone. Why is a clergyman’s horse like a king? Because he is guided by a minister. Why is a man in a garret committing murder like a good man? Because he is above committing a bad action. Why was the Parliament of the Commonwealth like Samson? Because it overthrew a house of lords. Why is an avaricious man like one with a short memory? He is always for getting. What is that which lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward? An icicle. Why is a blacksmith’s apron like a convent? Because it keeps off the sparks. Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket-book? Because she is clasped. Why is a wick of a candle like Athens? Because it is in Greece (grease). Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey? Because it contains the ashes of the grate (great). Why is a handsome woman like bread? Because she is often toasted. What is that which a coach cannot move without, and yet is not of the least use to it? Noise. What does a stone become when in the water? A whetstone (wet stone). When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine minutes past twelve? When he is just going to strike one. If you were obliged to swallow a man, what kind of a one would you prefer to swallow? A little Dublin porter. What question is that to which you must always answer “yes”? What does y-e-s spell? What four letters of the alphabet would frighten a thief? O I C U (oh! I see you). Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly? Because he is just ice (justice). What is the difference between a new five-cent piece and an old fashioned quarter? Twenty cents. Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the law? He goes into the law to get on, he remains in the law to get oner, he retires from the law to get onest. What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle? Buy a little medicine and get a vial in. Speak only two letters and thus name the destiny of all earthly things? D. K. Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the desert island? Because there was a heavy swell on the beach and a sandy cove running up the shore. 43 44 45 46 Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar? Because it makes the butter-fly. What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove. Barnum drove a ten-in-hand through New York city, and his horses had only twenty-four feet among them; how was that? They had twenty fore feet. What trade does the sun follow in the month of May? Mason (May sun). Of what trade are all the Presidents of the United States? Cabinet-makers. Of what trade is a minister at a wedding? A joiner. Of what occupation is a manager of a theatre? A stage-driver. What miss is that whose company no one ever wants? Mis-fortune. What misses are those whose days are always unlucky? Mis-chance and mis-hap. What miss is always making blunders? Mis-take. What misses are of a very jealous temper? Mis-give and mis-trust. When is it no misfortune for a young lady to lose her good name? When a young man gives her a better one. When does a dentist do the most work? When he extracts several acres (achers). Why is an umbrella a paradox? Because it is best when used up. What happens when a light falls into the water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It goes out. What great surgical operation does the manufacturing of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree panning. In what way do women ruin their husbands? In buy-ways. Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers of endurance? Because he holds on to the last. What part of the face resembles a schoolmaster? The eyelid, because it always has a pupil under the lash. Why is it that you and I must never dine together? Because U can never come until after I. What profession is a postman? He is a man of letters. At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long experience has made him sage. Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in fun. Which are the lightest men, Scotch, Irish, or Englishmen? Englishmen. In Scotland there are men of Ayr; in Ireland men of Cork, but in England are lightermen. When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is adrift. What ’bus has found room for the greatest number of people? Columbus. Which is heavier, a half or a full moon? The half, because the full moon is as light again. What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date. When is a man like a frozen rain? When he is hail (hale). When is a lady’s arm not a lady’s arm? When it is a little bare (bear). Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not a tall black. Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied? Because nothing satisfies him. Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to be taken up. Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky manufactory? Because it is a secret still. Why are bells the most obedient of inanimate things? Because they make a noise whenever they are told. Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us? Because we call them to take us in. What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns the greatest thieves in her Majesty’s service? Because they rifle all the guns, forge the materials, and steel all the gun breeches. How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson of three words? Never lend them. Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek. Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because they both profess an attachment to the crown. What trade is like the sun? A tanner’s. What is an extra dry subject? A mummy. What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable woman shopping. 47 48 49 50 Why are hogs like trees? Because they root for a living. Why is the moon like a marriage contract? Because it governs the tide. Why do girls kiss each other and men not? Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and men have. What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork? You’re too pointed. What composer is most noted of modern times? Chloroform. What is better than to give credit to whom it is due? Give the cash. Which musical instrument is the most moral? An upright piano. What is the difference between a dog’s tail and a rich man? One keeps a wagging and the other keeps a carriage. How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suiter from other men? He married his wives and axed them afterward. Why does a man’s hair generally turn gray sooner than his mustache? Because it is about twenty-one years older. When did George Washington first take a carriage? When he took a hack at the cherry-tree. What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary. Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating her boy? Because it is a hiding of the son. How can a man make his money go a long way? By contributing to foreign missions. Why is a person reading these conundrums like a man condemned to undergo a military execution? Because he is pretty sure to be riddled to death. Where can one always find pleasure and happiness? In the dictionary. During the month of heavy showers, how has the umbrella been persistently bluffing the game? It has been “put up or shut up” with it all the while. When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory. Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a successful newspaper? His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a Sunday supplement. When is money damp? When it is due in the morning and missed at night. What killed Julius Cæsar? Roman punches. How does the postage-stamp have the advantage of the small boy? It can never be licked but once. Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh’s daughter? They saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks. Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you in with an open countenance. Why are chemists and alchemists both of the feminine gender? Because one is an analyzer (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte Ann). How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark? Because he had Ham. My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is a bird. Whip-poor-will. Why is sympathy like blind man’s buff? Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow mortal. Why does the air seem fresher in winter than it does in summer? Because it’s kept on ice most of the time. Why are fish well educated? They have a taste for going in schools. What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. Why is the letter S like thunder? It makes our cream sour cream. Which is the easier way to commit suicide, by taking laudanum or drowning? Ether (either) is good. Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest piece of property in England? Because it was bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign. What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn? One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern. Why are records brittle things? Because they cannot be lowered without breaking. What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one and stand on the other. Why is a door in the potential mood? It’s would (wood) or should be. What is the difference between a man going up stairs and one looking up? One is stepping up the stairs, the other staring up the steps. Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are all over due. What is there remarkable about a yard-stick? Though it has no head or tail, it has a foot at each end and one in the middle. 51 52 53 54 55