Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice “ presents a wise, bold, and provocative alternative to the limits of similar self-help books. The chapter on intimacy and couple relationships alone is worth the price of the book. Complex psychological phenomena are described in concrete and clear language. The authors offer numerous exercises to help the reader put the book’s ideas to immediate use, and they include guidelines for therapists who may want to use the book in their work with patients in psychotherapy.” —Charles Bonner, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, private practice, Pittsburgh, PA “As a psychologist, spouse, and parent, I have been influenced by Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice the wisdom inherent in the work of . The authors convey to the reader in simple terms the relevancy of their profound psychology. I am inspired by their commitment to help readers liberate themselves from a legacy that undermines their essential well-being and right to a life.” Brief —Richard Vogel, Ph.D., coauthor of Psychotherapy Methods, associate of Weiss-Sampson Control Mastery Theory Group, San Francisco “I am very pleased that this book is being published because it contains information invaluable to individuals and families. We tend to express our deepest self-feelings in an interior voice that is at times heavily infused with self-critical messages. For many, these negative messages inhibit productive activity and success in relationships. The authors provide a series of self-help exercises to aid in overcoming the painful distances in relationships with those they love and care about.” —Gail McCracken Price, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, Radcliffe Seminars Adjunct Faculty conquer your c r i t i c a l i n n e r v o i c e A REVOLUTIONARY PROGRAM TO COUNTER NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND LIVE FREE FROM IMAGINED LIMITATIONS Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D. • Lisa Firestone, Ph.D. Joyce Catlett, M.A. FOREWORD BY PAT LOVE, ED.D. NEW HARBINGER PUBLICATIONS, INC. Publ isher’s Note This publ ic a tion is designed to prov ide accur ate and authori t at ive inform at ion in regard to the subj ect matt er cov ered. It is sold with the unders tandi ng that the publ isher is not engaged in rend eri ng psyc ho logi c al, finan- cial, legal, or other pro fess ional ser vices. If expert assis tance or coun seli ng is needed, the ser vices of a com pe tent prof ess ional should be sought. Dis trib uted in Can ada by Raincoast Books Copy right © 2002 by Rob ert W. Firestone, Lisa Firestone, and Joyce Catlett New Harb in ger Pub lic a tions, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Aven ue Oak land, CA 94609 Cover design by Salmon Stud ios Edited by Clancy Drake Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson All Rights Reserved New Har bin ger Pub li ca tions’ website address: www.newharbinger.com We would like to dedicate this book to our coauthor Robert Firestone, whose inspirationalideashaveimpactedourlivesandthelivesofthemanypeoplewith whom we have shared them through lectures and presentations over the past twenty years. The personal responses of our audiences motivated us to convince him to write a book with us that would make these ideas more accessible to the general reader. We wish to express our appreciation for, and admiration of, the courage with which Robert Firestone has continuously exposed the destructive- ness of psychological defenses and challenged conventional beliefs both in the field of psychology and in the larger society. —Lisa Firestone and Joyce Catlett Contents Acknowledgments ix Foreword xi Introduction 1 (cid:1) Organization of This Book A Note to Therapists Part I Understanding Your Critical Inner Voice Chapter 1 Becoming Familiar with Your Critical Inner Voice 9 (cid:1) How Your Critical Inner Voice Controls Your Actions Being for Yourself or (cid:1) (cid:1) against Yourself How Did You Develop a Critical Inner Voice? Your (cid:1) (cid:1) Defenses The Real You and Your Critical Inner Voice How the Critical (cid:1) Inner Voice Disrupts Your Everyday Life Challenging the Critical Inner Voice by Taking Action vi Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice Chapter 2 How Your Critical Inner Voice Creates Shame, Guilt, 33 and Low Self-Esteem (cid:1) Identify When You Are Feeling Shame or Guilt The Defenses on Which (cid:1) Guilt, Shame, and Low Self-Esteem Are Based Critical Inner Voices (cid:1) Underlying Neurotic Guilt Critical Inner Voices Underlying Existential (cid:1) Guilt Combating Guilt, Shame, and Low Self-Esteem Part II Challenging The Critical Inner Voice Chapter 3 How the Critical Inner Voice Interferes with Your Career 57 (cid:1) How Your Defenses Limit You in Your Career Identify and Overcome Voices That Interfere with Your Creativity Chapter 4 How the Critical Inner Voice Influences Your Relationship 75 (cid:1) How the Critical Inner Voice Interferes with Intimacy How the Fantasy (cid:1) Bond Works in Relationships How the Critical Inner Voice and (cid:1) the Fantasy Bond Work Together to Destroy Relationships Signs (cid:1) of a Fantasy Bond in Your Relationship Playing the Parent/Playing (cid:1) (cid:1) the Child How We Defend Ourselves against Love Three (cid:1) Defenses Suggestions for Disrupting the Fantasy Bond Chapter 5 How the Critical Inner Voice Intrudes on Your Sexual 97 Relationship (cid:1) Two Views of Sex How Our Attitudes Toward Sex Are Influenced (cid:1) by Parents, Peers, and Society Attitudes toward Our Bodies (cid:1) (cid:1) Attitudes about Masturbation and Sex Play Society’s Attitudes (cid:1) (cid:1) about Sexuality Voices During Sex How Do You Relate Sexually? Two Kinds of Sex Chapter 6 How the Critical Inner Voice Seduces You into Addictive 117 Behaviors (cid:1) How Addictive Behaviors Affect You How Do We Come to Develop (cid:1) Addictions? How the Critical Inner Voice Encourages Addictive (cid:1) Behaviors Eating Disorders, Drug Abuse, and Alcoholism (cid:1) (cid:1) How Compulsive Activities Can Become Addictive Guidelines for Challenging Addictive Behaviors Contents vii Chapter 7 How Listening to Your Critical Inner Voice Can Make 135 You Feel Down and Depressed (cid:1) Have You Ever Been Depressed? How Do You Usually React to (cid:1) Negative Events in Your Life? What Does It Feel Like to Be (cid:1) Depressed? The Continuum of Self-Destructive Behaviors and Critical (cid:1) Inner Voices Combating Critical Inner Voices That Lead to Depression (cid:1) Steps for Challenging Depression Chapter 8 How to Select a Therapist 163 (cid:1) Factors to Consider in Making Your Choice Personal Qualities of the (cid:1) Therapist That Are Conducive to Good Therapy The Therapeutic Relationship Part III Guidelines for Living the “Good Life” Chapter 9 For Parents: Guidelines for Optimal Child Development 171 (cid:1) Repeating Our Parents’ Behaviors Guilt about Not Always Feeling (cid:1) Love Guidelines for Child Rearing Chapter 10 Living Free of Imagined Limitations—The “Good Life” 187 (cid:1) What Does “Living the Good Life” Mean to You? Guidelines for Continued (cid:1) Personal Development Guidelines for Continued Personal Development in (cid:1) Your Relationship Guidelines for Further Developing a Meaningful Life Bibliography 201 Glendon Association Video Productions Suggested Reading 207 References 215