The Project Gutenberg EBook of Comic Arithmetic, by Anonymous This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org Title: Comic Arithmetic Author: Anonymous Release Date: June 28, 2014 [EBook #46120] Language: English Character set encoding: UTF-8 *** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COMIC ARITHMETIC *** Produced by Chris Curnow, mirjam and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive) TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE: Inconsistencies in hyphenation and spelling have not been corrected. Punctuation has been silently corrected. A list of other corrections can be found at the end of the document. COMIC ARITHMETIC. A FIGURANTE. "Go the whole figure."—Sam Slick. LONDON: RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET. 1844. LONDON: R. CLAY, PRINTER, BREAD STREET HILL. Page 5 6 6 7 7 9 13 14 15 22 25 27 28 33 37 40 44 50 52 54 55 57 59 60 62 71 72 73 74 76 77 83 84 85 86 89 90 91 97 102 104 112 122 140 146 150 177 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. The Sign of Equality—"Who are You?" The Sign of Subtraction A Pluralist The Sacred Haltar Dividing the Chinese, a cutting Joke The Poor Curate—The Bishop A Save-all Mihi Cura Futuri A Man of many Woes The Man who takes care of No. 1 "Take from" Taken in and done for "Who steals my Purse steals Trash." "Forking up." Lawyer dividing the Oyster The Lion's Share The Insolvent Trap.—"The Law binds, but the Law looses" "Blowed Puffery" "Out of Proportion" Called to Account "The nearest Way to a Man's Heart" A Sliding Scale "Broken Down" Fractional Signs An Ancient and Modern Mug Knocking down the Lot Done by Interest At a Premium and Discount The Old and New Principle—both with Credit The Tin-der Passion Faith and Duty The Gallipot Crane The Carpenter Woodpecker The Red-tape Snipe The Heron A Decimal Figure A Strong Tithe The Point of the Bayonet Practising at Exeter Hall.—Hulla, Boys, Hulla Practising for the Ministry Practising for the Opera Discounting for a Man formerly Measuring by the "Yard"—True fit Charles I.—A Block-head "Assurance" Mutual Assurance The World is kept up by Puff [iv] PREFACE. TO THE READER, OR RATHER TO THOSE WHO HESITATE IN BUYING THIS WORK. "Good wine needs no bush," and, therefore, little by way of preface is necessary to this Work. "He who is ignorant of arithmetic," says Archimedes, "is but half a man." Therefore, for the sake of manhood, which drapers'-boys and lawyers'-clerks attempt by means of mustachoes and penny-cigars, read this Work,—for if the dead abstractions of this science will make a man, what must the living realities do?—Nothing less than a Phœnix D'Orsay, which is at least 1 man ¾ and ⅝. Read this book, then, my friends, young and old. It teaches practical philosophy in every chapter; wisdom in every page; and common sense in every line. Get this manual at the fingers' ends of your mind, and your physical and mental powers will be so expanded that you will be able to catch a comet by the tail; take the moon by the horns; knock down the great wall of China, à la Cribb; or measure the spectre of the Brocken for a pair of breeches, and thus cut a pretty Figure. [1] [2] FIGURES FOR THE MILLION. Of Arithmetic and its Importance. INTRODUCTION. Arithmetic is the art or science of computing by numbers. It is national, political, military, and commercial. It is of the highest importance to the community; because it pre-eminently teaches us to take care of Number I. Our ministers succeed according to their knowledge of the science of numbers. Witness the skilful management of majorities of the lower house. He who understands the true art of Addition, Subtraction, Multiplication, and Division, as here laid down, will not be considered a mere cipher in the world; but will, in all probability, make a considerable figure: and in the figurative words of Horace, be "Dives agris dives positis in fœnore nummis." Let us, therefore, under the guidance and protection of that god of honest men, the light-heeled and light-fingered Mercury, be diligent so to add to our store by subtracting from the stores of others, that we may add to our importance. Let us so multiply our resources, by encouraging division among our contemporaries, that we may see their reduction in the perfection of our own practice. "Rem facias; rem Recte si possis, sì non, quocunque Modo rem."[1] Hor. [3] [4] EXPLANATION OF ARITHMETICAL SIGNS AND CHARACTERS. EQUALITY. The Sign of Equality--'Who are You?' "WHO ARE YOU?" = Equality. The sign of equality: as, "A living beggar is better than a dead king;" or both being dead, are equal to each other. The Sign of Subtraction — Minus, less. The sign of subtraction; as, for instance, an elopement to Gretna; or, a knocking-down argument by the way-side, — minus ticker. Take from — from take. [5] [6] A Pluralist A PLURALIST. + Plus, or more. The sign of addition; as, 3 livings + to 1 = 4; or, 5 millions of new taxes + to 48 = 53. The Sacred Haltar THE SACRED HALTAR. × Multiplied by. The sign of multiplication: as, "The sun breeds maggots in a dead dog."—See Shakspeare. Or, "Money makes money."—See Franklin. Or, Anti-Malthus.—See Ireland. [7] Dividing the Chinese, a cutting Joke DIVIDING THE CHINESE, A CUTTING JOKE. ÷ Divided by. The sign of division. Example 1. The Whigs.—2. The Church. A house divided against itself. Division of property; the lion's share, &c. SIGNS OF PROPORTION. Is to: so is:: As Lord B—— is to Bishop P——, so is a blue musquito to a planter's nose. As Sir R—— I—— is to J—— H——, so is a pair of donkey's-ears to a barber's-block. As Tommy Duncombe is to Lord Stanley, so is shrimp-sauce to a boiled turbot. [8] The Poor Curate--The Bishop THE POOR CURATE. THE BISHOP. RULE I. NUMERATION. Numeration teaches the different value of figures by their different places (see Walkinghame, Court Guide, Law List, &c.); also the value of ciphers, or noughts, according to their relative situations (see Intellectual Calculator, or Martin's Arithmetical Frames). As regards the value of figures in places, we have illustrations in sinecures of all grades, from the Lords of the Treasury to the meanest underling of the Stamp-Office. Place and pension make the unit a multitude, according to the position of the noughts,—that is, that large portion of the public called the nobodies. The more a man is surrounded by his inferiors, the greater he becomes. Hence the necessity of restrictive tariffs to prevent wealth in a community,—and of impediments to education. It is not, therefore, naughty for our betters to keep us down by any kind of mystification; as the sun always looks larger through a fog. The value of figures and of ciphers will be well understood in the following table, which ought to be committed faithfully to memory. It will be seen that when the noughts, the nobodies, that is, the people, go before the legislative units, their value is consequently decreased; but when they follow as good backers in good measures, the value of the characters is increased ad infinitum. TABLE I.—"LEGISLATION BEHIND THE PEOPLE." The good old times. P E O P L E . – 1 King. 20 Lords. 300 Tithe-eaters. 4000 Quarrel-mongers (lawyers). 50000 Men-killers (army). 600000 Land-swallowers (landlords). 7000000 Dividendists. 80000000 Pensioners. 900000000 Sinecurists. TABLE II.—LEGISLATION IN ADVANCE OF THE PEOPLE. The new system, or march of intellect. King100000000 – P E O P L E . Lords 20000000 Tithe-eaters 3000000 Quarrel-mongers 400000 Land-swallowers 50000 Dividendists 6000 Men-killers 700 Pensioners 80 Sinecurists 9 [9] [10] [11] RULE II. ADDITION. Our life is an addition sum; sometimes long, sometimes short; and Death, with "jaws capacious," sums up the whole of our humanity by making the "tottle" of the whole. Man is an adding animal; his instinct is, to get. He is an illustration of the verb, to get, in all its inflexions and conjugations; and thus we get and beget, till we ourselves are added to our fathers. There are many ways of performing addition, as in the following: a young grab-all comes upon the fumblers at long-taw, as Columbus did upon the Indians; or, as every thrifty nation does upon the weak or unsuspicious, and cries "Smuggins!" Addition is also performed in a less daring manner by the save-all process, till Death, with his extinguisher, shuts the miser up in his own smoke. A Save-all A SAVE-ALL. Addition may also be performed by subtraction by other methods. It is one to make "Jim along Josey!" the watchword, as Joey does in the pantomime. If you would be merry, And never would fret, Then, get all you can, And keep all you get. [12] [13] Mihi Cura Futuri MIHI CURA FUTURI. Addition teaches, also, to add units together, and to find their sum total, as A + B = 2. A bachelor is a unit; a Benedict, unitee. Matrimonial Addition.—By common ciphering 1 and 1 make 2. But, by the mathematics of matrimony, 1 and 1 will produce from 1 to 20, arranged in row, one above another, like a flight of stairs. They make a pretty addition to a man's effects, as well as to his income; and, if not themselves capital, are a capital stimulus to exertion. Surrounded by these special pleaders, a man becomes as sharp-set as a Lancashire ferret, and looks as fierce as a rat-catcher's dog at a sink-hole. Such men ought to be labelled, "Beware of this unfortunate dog!" for he would bite at a file! [14] [15] A Man of many Woes A MAN OF MANY WOES. Adding to your name.—This is another mode of performing addition. It is not necessary to go to an university for this, any more than it is necessary to go to a church to get married. The thing can now be done without it. Schoolmasters, and pettifoggers of all kinds, will find this an excellent piece of practical wisdom. "ADDITION FOR COMMON NAMES." The Reverend Dr. O'Crikey, D.D.—Duke of Dunces, or Dull Donkey. The Reverend Samuel Snuffers, A.M.—A Muff. John Petty Fog, Esq. LL.D.—Deuced Lying Lawyer. The Right Hon. Lord Dolittle, F.S.A.—Fumbler in Science and Art. The Most Noble the Marquis of Sligo, F.R.S.—Fellow of the Rigmarol Society. The Lord Knowswho, F.A.S.—Fool a star-gazing. Jeremy Stonybatter, F.G.S.—Fluking of the Gammoning Society. Billy Buttercup, Esq. F.L.S.—First of the Lubberhead Society. Captain Marlinspike, F.N.S.—Fellow of no Society. ADDING TO A STORY. [16] [17] "Oh! Mrs. Wiggins, I declare I never heard the like! The wretch knows how to curse and swear, To bite, and scratch, and strike! "All day he's tossicated, and All night he roams about; But that is lucky, sure, for he Is worse when in than out." "If this is what you get when wed, I'm glad I yet have tarried:— Better to keep one's single bed, Than venture to get married. "But such a monster! By and by That idle minx, his wife, With all her mawkish tenderness, Must 'gainst him swear her life. "The fine piano long ago, Just after my last rout, With candlesticks and cruets too, Are all gone up the spout. "And bills return'd, as I have heard, Last week, one, two, or three; And summonses for grocery— 'Tis nothing, though, to me. "They live like cat and dog. I own She always was a scold. She broke the table on his crown; So I was lately told. "'Tis nothing, though, my dear, to me, As I before have said. If married people don't agree, They ought not to get wed." To go back a little to first principles, which should never be lost sight of in the teaching of any art or science, we must set forth the grand leading rule before our pupils. Addition teaches, therefore, 1. To get all we can. 2. To keep all we get. SONG. "Argent comptant." PARENTAL ADVICE.—RULE I. [18] [19] Get money, my son, get money, Honestly if you can; It makes life sweet as honey— My son, get money, get money! Don't stand upon ceremony, Or you may look mighty funny; But make it your constant song, Get money, get money, get money! Money makes the mare to go, boy, Where every path looks sunny. Go it! my lad, through thick and thin; Get money, get money, get money! RULE II.—TAKE CARE OF NO. I. [20]