R E K L A W . M A I C I L A Chasing Masculinity “Dr. Walker deftly uses social theory and in-depth interviews to explain how social expectations and gender dynamics contribute to the motivations and experiences of men who have affairs. This book will make you rethink your stereotypesaboutmen,andwhysome‘cheat’ontheirpartnersandwives.Sure to be a classic in gender, sexuality and family studies!” —Arielle Kuperberg, Associate Professor of Sociology andWomen, Gender and Sexuality Studies, UNC Greensboro; Editor-in-Chief of the Council on Contemporary Families Blog @The Society Pages “Whydomencheat?Throughinterviewswithdozensofcheaters,AliciaWalker sets aside assumptions about infidelity and shows that cheating helps men bolster masculinity. By seeking non-marital sexual—and emotional—connec- tions,menreassurethemselvesthattheyaredesirableandsexuallyskilled.They interpret cheating as a way to actually preserve their marriages, while ignoring manyoftherootcausesoftheirrelationshipproblemssuchasgenderinequality. This is a must read for anyone interested in sexuality or gender.” —Tony Silva, Assistant Professor of Sociology, University of British Columbia “This compelling new book challenges many taken-for-granted assumptions about why men cheat and the types of men who cheat. By examining men’s motivations to pursue affairs online, Walker highlights the emotional aspects of men’s external relationships, revealing that cheating is not just about sex for men. This captivating book thoughtfully considers the complexities of masculinity, intimacy, and infidelity in the digital age, and is highly enjoyable to read.” —Nicole Andrejek, McMaster University, Research Assistant for the Sex in Canada research project “InChasingMasculinity,WalkerexaminestheexperiencesofmenintheUnited States who purposely sought out extramarital relationships on the site Ashley Madison. She challenges our preconceived notions and understandings of why men “cheat.” Walker artfully appraises our cultural obsession with infidelity and, by extension, monogamy. She highlights the complexity of negotiating fragile masculinity in often highly sexualized contexts. Memorable quotes and stories allow the reader to question the norms and institutions surrounding romantic relationships.This book is one individuals will talk about long after they finish reading.” —Barbara F. Prince, Assistant Professor of Sociology, LebanonValley College “In this book, Walker challenges commonly held assumptions about marital infidelitythroughadeeplyintriguingqualitativeexplorationoftheextramarital experiences of men seeking emotional fulfillment deemed not present in their primary relationships. The rich narrative and unique methodology of Chasing Masculinity is guaranteed to boost student engagement and stimulate robust discussion within a variety of course delivery platforms on topics including marriage and family, sex and gender, human sexuality, and research methods.” —Michele Lee Kozimor, Professor of Sociology, Elizabethtown College; Editor, Teaching Sociology Alicia M. Walker Chasing Masculinity Men, Validation, and Infidelity Alicia M.Walker Missouri State University Springfield, MO, USA ISBN 978-3-030-49817-7 ISBN 978-3-030-49818-4 (eBook) https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-49818-4 ©The Editor(s) (if applicable) andThe Author(s), under exclusive license to Springer Nature Switzerland AG 2020 This work is subject to copyright. All rights are solely and exclusively licensed by the Publisher, whetherthewholeorpartofthematerialisconcerned,specificallytherightsoftranslation,reprinting, reuse of illustrations, recitation, broadcasting, reproduction on microfilms or in any other physical way,andtransmissionorinformationstorageandretrieval,electronicadaptation,computersoftware, or by similar or dissimilar methodology now known or hereafter developed. The use of general descriptive names, registered names, trademarks, service marks, etc. in this publicationdoesnot imply,evenintheabsenceof aspecific statement,thatsuch namesareexempt from the relevant protective laws and regulations and therefore free for general use. The publisher, the authors and the editors are safe to assume that the advice and information in this book are believed to be true and accurate at the date of publication. Neither the publisher nor theauthorsortheeditorsgiveawarranty,expressorimplied,withrespecttothematerialcontained herein or for any errors or omissions that may have been made.The publisher remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations. Cover designed by eStudioCalamar This Palgrave Macmillan imprint is published by the registered company Springer Nature Switzerland AG The registered company address is: Gewerbestrasse 11, 6330 Cham, Switzerland For my beloved son, Alex, my “Big Bird,” who would have so enjoyed this book, and whom I will miss the rest of my days And to the men of Ashley Madison, who so richly shared themselves and their experiences with me, and without whom there would be no book Acknowledgments No book is truly written solely by the people listed on the cover. The reality is that it takes a village for a book to come into being. Books are born of stray ideas and long days of staring at blinking cursors as they mock you. And along the way, you need a cheering section. It would be impossible for me to name everyone who contributed to this book, but here are a few of them. Without Dr. Claire Renzetti’s input, this book wouldn’t exist. My original vision of the study only included interviewing women, but Dr. Renzettisaid,“Goaheadandtalktothemen,too.Whoknowswhatyou might find?” Indeed, who could’ve known. IamforevergratefultoAmeliaDerkatsch,whoreachedouttomeand saw the potential in this project. Thank you, Palgrave Macmillan, for believing in this book.This manuscript is stronger due to the comments of the reviewers. I cannot thank you enough. I am also grateful to both PoppyHullandSharlaPlantforsteppinginandhelpingmeseethisbook through to the end. Sharla, you provided much-needed support in those momentsoffrustration.Additionally,NinaGuttapallecameinwithfresh vii viii Acknowledgments eyes and a fresh perspective to strengthen the book.Thank you for your belief in this work. Myamazinglytalentedcousin,DustinCox,graciouslygiveshistimeto read my drafts, help me find the holes in my arguments, and talk me off the ledge when I’m sure the manuscript is irredeemable.With two small children, a full-time job, and the responsibilities of graduate school, his time is precious.Yet he donates it to me anyway. Love you, Cuz! Social media helps connect us all. To my many friends and family who share my everyday life through Facebook andTwitter, thank you so much for your positive thoughts, mojo, and good juju. Writing can be so isolating and it’s easy to lose hope. You keep me encouraged. Thank you for cheering me on. Thegrief oflosing my Big Birdis often toolarge tobear alone. I’mso grateful for my many friends and family, who listen as I talk about my pain and give me a space to think about and remember my sweet boy. It takesstrengthtofacesomeoneelse’spainwithoutlookingaway.Icannot thank you enough. I especially thank my dear friends, Kara Ritthaler, Wiley Loyd, Brandie Gillespie, Kelly Shepard-Hill, Julia Erck, and my cousins,ShannonCoxFraker,andTracyMills,whotirelesslysitwithme as I cry and share my loss. Books command an intense time commitment. Since writers are granted no more time than anyone else, writing time gets stolen from otherthingsinyourlife,likeyourfamily.MyfamilyenduresthehoursI spend writing and rewriting, as well as the hours when I’m preoccupied andthusnotaspresentasI’dliketobe.Further,noneofmychildrenever actembarrassedtobethechildofawomanwhostudiessexualtopics.In fact,theyseemtotakesomeprideintheworkIdo.Mydaughter,Avery, listens patiently as I puzzle through my framework. Avery, Mason, and George,IthankyouandIloveyouall.MybelovedAlex,youwerealways soproudofyourmotherandyourendlesssupportkeptmeafloat.Imiss and love you always. You don’t become someone who does the kind of work I do without amazing parents. My mother, Nancy, and my father, Virgil, deeply believed in me and instilled the idea that I could reach for anything I desired and be successful.They taught me so much and made me who I am.Myopen-mindednesswasbornathomeandnurturedbymyparents Acknowledgments ix to whom I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude. Were I not shaped by these two remarkable folks, I couldn’t do this work.Thank you. Last, but certainly not least, I am so thankful for my faithful companion, my rescue dog, Harvey. He has sat at my feet through every wordofeverydraftofthisbook.Harveyisanexcellentwritingassistant, whoacceptspayinbellyrubsanddailywalks,whichalsohelpedmeclear myhead.Muchofthebookistheresultofthosewalks,whereIclarified my own argument.Thank you, Harvey! (He doesn’t read, but I’ll read it to him later.) Adopt, don’t shop. If this book enjoys any success, it is owed to the wonderful folks both listed and not listed here.Thank you. Contents 1 The C-Word (Cheater): Infidelity as the Ultimate Threat 1 2 Researcher Seeks Cheating Husbands: Recruiting a Closeted Population 29 3 “Men Need Their Egos Pumped up Regularly”: Primary Partnerships Sow the Seeds of Men’s Doubt 59 4 “We Need aWitness to Our Lives”: Outside Partners as Outsourced Relational Managers 77 5 “If I Was a Good Enough Man, She’d Be Jumping onTop of Me, Right?”: Marital Beds Breed Self-Doubt 93 6 “ISeekaPartnerWhoActuallyWantsMetoMakeUp for LostTime”:The Girlfriend Experience in Outside Partnerships Helps Reduce FOMO 117 xi