2 3 Copyright © Tuvia Tenenbom Jerusalem 2015/5775 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be translated, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without express written permission from the publishers. Cover drawing: Shay Charka Typesetting: Raphaël Freeman, Renana Typesetting Photographs in book taken by: Florian Krauss, Jan Sulzer, and Isi Tenenbom ISBN: 978-965-229-798-3 1 3 5 7 9 8 6 4 2 Gefen Publishing House Ltd. 6 Hatzvi Street Jerusalem 94386, Israel 972-2-538-0247 [email protected] Gefen Books 11 Edison Place Springfield, NJ 07081 516-593-1234 [email protected] www.gefenpublishing.com Printed in Israel Send for our free catalog Library of Congress Control Number: 2014954970 4 This book is dedicated to my wife and partner, Isi Tenenbom, who never feared joining me wherever the wind blew, safe or not, ever sharing with me the brightest of ideas and offering me the loveliest of smiles. 5 Praise for Catch the Jew! REVIEWS OF THE HEBREW EDITION OF CATCH THE JEW! “A literary sensation.” Haaretz “A brilliant book.” Maariv “The most important book I have read in the last five years.” Channel 2 “The best book in the bookstore!” Galei Zahal “The humor in Catch the Jew! is razor sharp, it is highly intellectual and it’s so funny that it will bring tears to your eyes.… Tuvia is curious as a cat, sly as a fox, friendly as a Labrador, and is also a man with seismographic sensitivities.” Mida “One of the funniest books I’ve read in years – and one of the most heartbreaking. Here is the Middle East conflict as you have never experienced it before. Tuvia Tenenbom is a brilliant satirist and an extraordinary reporter. Beware: This book is like a pungent French cheese – for connoisseurs of truth only.” Yossi Klein Halevi, senior fellow, Shalom Hartman Institute “A fascinating, picturesque book by a picturesque author.” Yedioth Ahronoth “Funny, shocking, depressing documentation of anti-Semitism and self-hatred.” Makor Rishon “Run to your nearest bookstore and pick up a copy. . . . I haven’t laughed this hard out loud in a long time. . . . This book is a must for anyone who wants to formulate an independent opinion on the 6 reality in this region.” Israel Hayom “It’s been a long time since a book affected me so deeply.” Walla Praise for Tuvia Tenenbom’s previous work “Bluntly satirical.” “Emotionally explosive . . . irresistibly fascinating . . . seductive . . . engaging.” New York Times “Hugely entertaining, terribly funny, sarcastic, engaging, powerful, accusatory, judgmental, good!” National Review “Every word that comes out of Tenenbom’s pen can set the world on fire.” Forward “Tuvia Tenenbom is Michael Moore and Borat in one.” Die Welt (Germany) “Tenenbom rides the razor’s edge . . . and goes all the way off.” Amsterdam News “Tenenbom’s laughter touches our soul in places where mere intellect could never reach.” Die Zeit (Germany) “A force of nature . . . provocative, satirical, intellectual.” La Repubblica (Italy) “He sees and he hears. Exactly as it is.” Frankfurter Rundschau (Germany) “Courageous . . . without shame.” 7 News1 (Israel) “An anarchist.” Stern (Germany) “Tenenbom dares.” La Razon (Spain) “Brilliant.” Deutschlandradio (Germany) “Tenenbom’s hodgepodge of politics, zealotry and literary genres is fresh and audacious.” The Village Voice “A mystical provocateur.” Le Monde (France) Tuvia Tenenbom is a political dramatist and journalist. His articles and essays have been published in newspapers including Die Zeit of Germany, Corriere della Sera of Italy, and Yedioth Ahronoth of Israel 8 as well as on various internet sites. In addition, Tuvia is a columnist for Zeit Online and Forward. Tuvia, who holds advanced degrees in both fine arts and science, is also the founder and artistic director of The Jewish Theater of New York. 9 Contents Acknowledgments and Thanks Introduction Farewell and Welcome Armed with a wink and a smile from a beautiful Turkish lady, I start my journey to the Holy Land. Gate One What happens when the feminine side of God, the son of God, and the messenger of God meet a sexy German girl who helps the Arabs because she loves the Jews? Gate Two Did you ever try Islamic beer? Would you like to be blessed by the rabbi of Auschwitz? Would you like to date a Jewish Taliban lady? How would a rabbi know that his wife is menstruating? Gate Three Would you like to join thousands of dead Jews guarded by a German convert? Gate Four Facts: No Jewish state ever existed here. Jews must pay Arabs for five years of music training. Palestine was founded fourteen thousand years ago. Gate Five An American Jew loves his old mama so much that he wants to see her homeless. Gate Six An Israeli soldier detains President Barack Obama. Gate Seven Little white Jew doesn’t want to marry little black Jew. German teenagers wouldn’t mind watching Jews being stoned. A soldier drives nine hours to meet his dead comrade. Gate Eight An American Jewish lady finds the Jewish libido and an Israeli biblical expert can’t recall the Book of Isaiah. Gate Nine A man who invented three words, Na Nakh Nakhman, changes a 10