An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC 375 Hudson Street New York, New York 10014 Copyright © 2017 by Vanessa Van Edwards Photo credits: Courtesy of the author: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here; © Maggie Kirkland / Honeysuckle Photography: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here; Courtesy of Brennan Pothetes: here; Courtesy of Iconcrafts: here, here; Courtesy of Emily McDowell / Emily McDowell Studio: here; Courtesy of George Hodan / Public Domain Pictures, courtesy of wjgomes / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of Unsplash, courtesy of savannaholson0 / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of ntrung via Foter.com / CC BY-ND, courtesy of TawnyNina / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of PublicDomainPictures / Pixabay, courtesy of Pezibear / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of Gromovataya / Pixabay, courtesy of 61015 / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of NGDPhotoworks / Pixabay, courtesy of LiveLaughLove / Pixabay: here; Courtesy of zeitfaenger.at via Foter.com / CC BY, courtesy of Orin Zebest via Foter.com / CC BY: here; Courtesy of Proprofs: here; Courtesy of Richard Florida: here; Courtesy of Frank Warren / PostSecret: here, here. 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You are so not alone. CONTENTS Title Page Copyright Dedication Introduction PART I. THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES Chapter 1. Control: How to win the social game Chapter 2. Capture: How to make a killer first impression Chapter 3. Spark: How to have dazzling conversations Chapter 4. Highlight: How to be the most memorable person in the room Chapter 5. Intrigue: How to be ridiculously likable PART II. THE FIRST FIVE HOURS Chapter 6. Decode: How to uncover hidden emotions Chapter 7. Solve: How to crack someone's personality Chapter 8. Appreciate: How to get the best from people Chapter 9. Value: How to get along with anyone PART III. THE FIRST FIVE DAYS Chapter 10. Connect: How to speak so people listen Chapter 11. Empower: How to lead people Chapter 12. Reveal: How to build lasting relationships Chapter 13. Protect: How to deal with difficult people Chapter 14. Engage: How to turn people on What’s Next? More Digital Bonuses Corporate Workshops Appendix: Microexpression Flash Cards Acknowledgments Notes Index H Me, circa 1993 INTRODUCTION i, my name is Vanessa, and I’m a recovering awkward person. At school dances, I’d volunteer to watch the punch bowl. Growing up, if a cool kid accidentally bumped into me, I would start hiccupping uncontrollably. When my family got AOL, my first IM buddy was the school nurse. In second grade I tried to get a permanent dismissal from PE by saying I had menopause pains. If only Google had been around in those days. To prove it, as painful as it is, I present Exhibit A, a photo of me circa 1993: As you can see, I went for “helmet hair” without actually playing a sport requiring a helmet—or any sport, frankly—while clinging to the belief that nothing complements a baggy T-shirt quite like a sharp vest. A plaid one, though truthfully I wasn’t too picky in the vest department. On particularly socially anxious days, I would break out in hives right before walking into school and wear long sleeves and pants to cover my swollen, red, itchy limbs. As you might have guessed, the rashes covering my face and scalp didn’t help my popularity rankings. It wasn’t all bad, though. On Valentine’s Day, my teachers gave me cards. HUMAN BEHAVIOR HACKING It’s an understatement to say that people skills did not come naturally to me. I had to learn them the hard way, so I could teach them to you the easy way. Here’s how it happened: Early on, I figured out that I could learn human behavior just like I studied for math or foreign language tests. I made facial expression flash cards, looked for small-talk patterns, and tried to spot the hidden emotions of my teachers—although that last one sometimes got me into trouble! I read everything I could get my hands on about people—psychology textbooks, sociological studies, and every human behavior book ever written. Eventually, I began to create my own tests and experiments. For one mini- experiment, I created flash cards of conversation starters based on studies of dopamine, carried them in my purse, tried them on strangers, and then catalogued their reactions. For another, I tried to adopt the alpha body language moves of chimps to see if people would mirror me (that one did NOT work). In yet another, I used persuasion techniques in a business pitch competition to see if I could game the system. On a whim, I decided to document all of my misadventures and takeaways as a human guinea pig on a blog, ScienceofPeople.com. To my surprise and delight, I found I wasn’t the only person struggling to get along with people. As our articles started to pop up all over the web and our videos began going viral, we caught the attention of media outlets like NPR, Inc., and Forbes, which covered our unique approach. This is when I decided to do larger research experiments and turn Science of People into a human behavior lab. In our lab, we start every endeavor by finding the latest scientific studies and then turn them into real-life experiments and tactics. We then share these strategies with our readers and students to test them. In this way, each skill in this book has already been refined by thousands of students who have used them in real-life situations and reported their results back to us to perfect. This method is our secret sauce: Step One: Find fascinating research. Step Two: Create actionable real-life strategies. Step Three: Test, tweak, and perfect. Repeat. I call our approach behavior hacking. Over the last eight years, I have developed shortcuts, formulas, and blueprints for getting along with anyone. Our unique approach has reached millions of students through our online courses and in-person workshops. I’ve helped corporate teams at Fortune 500 companies increase their interpersonal intelligence, singles make connections at speed-dating workshops, and entrepreneurs win pitch competitions using science-based behavior hacks. My columns and appearances in the Huffington Post, in Forbes, and on CNN are seen all over the world by people who want to improve their relationships. We have streamlined all of our best findings into a universal framework that makes up this book. Each chapter of Captivate will teach you one of the fourteen behavior hacks. These are simple, powerful tools that you can use to level up your career, improve your relationships, and increase your income. WHAT YOU WILL LEARN This book will teach you how people work. If you know exactly what makes people tick, you can optimize your behavior, interactions, and relationships. Trying to get along with people without a framework is a bit like solving complex math problems without any equations. It’s both difficult and involves a heck of a lot of unnecessary suffering along the way. This book will give you the people skills you never learned in school. As diverse as we all seem on the outside, our inner workings are quite similar—if not eerily predictable. There are hidden rules to human behavior. We just have to find where to look. Part I is all about helping you master the first five minutes of any interaction—starting a conversation and creating instant likability. First impressions are fundamental to everything else I can teach you. In Part II, I will teach you skills that will help you get to know someone better in the first five hours of any interaction. My system for speed-reading people and decoding behavior will help you whether you are on the first five dates or in the first five meetings. I call this system the matrix—it doesn’t involve Keanu Reeves, but it’s just as cool. This is what happens when you want to level up a casual connection to something deeper. Part III is about the first five days. In order to get to know someone on a deeper level, you have to learn how to influence people, lead teams, and increase your impact with everyone you meet. This is the ultimate level of connection and the final and most advanced step for interacting with people. You can also keep your eyes peeled for Fast Facts, where we pulled in data from our Twitter polls and online surveys that are relevant to the content. They look like this: FAST FACT BOX Our Twitter poll indicated that 96 percent of users believe people skills are a bigger contributor to career success than technical skills. You will also see that we reference our “Digital Bonuses.” These are sections of the book that have corresponding videos, photos, and exercises to help you learn as you go. Get all of the resources at www.ScienceofPeople.com/toolbox. Here’s my promise: Learning people skills will change your life. Developing your PQ—or interpersonal intelligence—is like adding a catalyst to your success. By the end of the book you will be able to engage anyone you meet in memorable conversation. You will know how to leave a lasting first impression with clients, colleagues, and friends. And you will have more confidence, control, and charisma in all of your interactions. People with high PQ make on average $29,000 more per year than people with average PQ. 90 percent of top business performers have high PQ. Individuals with strong interpersonal communication report being 42 percent happier and more fulfilled with their lives. I joke that people skills are the social lubricant of life. When you understand the laws of human behavior, everything goes more smoothly: Professionally, you will know how to negotiate a raise, connect with colleagues, build rapport at networking events, and nail your elevator pitch. Socially, you will make unforgettable first impressions, reduce relationship drama, enjoy stronger and more supportive friendships, and get along with everyone you meet. Romantically, you will impress your dates, deepen your relationships, flirt authentically, and prevent partner miscommunications. Bottom line: There is a science to winning friends and influencing people, and learning it will completely change the way you interact. Let the adventure begin! YOUR PQ SCORE In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins I have developed the following quiz to test your people skills, or your PQ. This quiz will help you assess your current level of interpersonal intelligence. The good news is our PQ can be improved, stretched, and hacked. No matter where you are now, each hack you learn in this book will help get your PQ up. We will take this test again at the end of the book, and my goal is to help you level up your score by at least fifty points. Ready? Play. The PQ Test 1. Which smile is real? 2. Where is the best place to stand at a networking event? A. Near the entrance to the event B. At the food table so you can sit with people C. Where people exit the bar D. Next to someone you know 3. What does this face mean? A. Amused B. Sad C. Bored D. Contemptuous 4. Which saying about people is most true? A. “Opposites attract.” B. “Birds of a feather flock together.” C. “One bad apple spoils the bunch.” D. “Never bite the hand that feeds you.” 5. How much of our personality comes from our genes? A. Very little. Our personality is mostly formed by how we are raised. B. 35 percent to 50 percent C. 55 percent to 75 percent D. A lot. Our personality is mostly formed by our genetics and DNA. 6. The best way to show someone you care about them is to: A. Tell them all the reasons they are awesome B. Get them a gift C. Do their to-do list for them D. All of the above E. It’s different for each person 7. Which phrase corresponds best with this facial expression? A. It smells weird in here. B. This makes me angry. C. I’m confused. D. I’m afraid. 8. Which emoticon would best represent this face? 9. If this man walked into your office, what would you guess about him? (Hint: Only one of these personality assessments is correct.)