01.Boundaries 6/7/01 5:04 PM Page 2 Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Boundaries Boundaries Workbook Boundaries audio Boundaries video curriculum Boundaries in Dating Workbook Boundaries in Datingaudio Boundaries in Dating curriculum Boundaries in Marriage Workbook Boundaries in Marriage audio Boundaries with Kids Workbook Boundaries with Kidsaudio Changes That Heal (Cloud) Changes That Heal Workbook (Cloud) Changes That Heal audio (Cloud) Hiding from Love (Townsend) The Mom Factor Workbook The Mom Factor audio Raising Great Kids Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers Raising Great Kids audio Safe People Safe People Workbook Safe Peopleaudio Twelve “Christian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy Click on the titles below to read excerpts from other books by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries with Kids Boundaries in Dating The Mom Factor 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 3 B OUNDARIES When to Say YES When to Say NO To Take Control of Your Life Dr. Henry Cloud Dr. John Townsend 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 4 Boundaries Adobe ® Acrobat ® ebook Reader ® format Copyright © 1992 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Requests for information should be addressed to: Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available for the print edition of this title. ISBN0-310-24375-0 All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® (North American Edition). Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. Verses marked NASBare taken from the New American Standard Bible, © 1960 by the Lockman Foundation; verses marked NRSVare taken from the New Revised Standard Ver- sion, © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. Since the case studies in this book are composites from Dr. Henry Cloud’s and Dr. John Townsend’s practices, we have not attempted to identify which author is counseling which client. All names and circumstances have been fictionalized to protect privacy. Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Literary Agent, Orange, CA. Interior designed by Bob Hudson Cover designed by John M. Lucas Cover illustration by Michael McGovern 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 5 To Henry and Louise Cloud and John and Rebecca Townsend, whose training in boundaries made a difference in our lives. 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 6 Contents Acknowledgments 7 PART I: WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? 1. A Day in a Boundaryless Life 11 2. What Does a Boundary Look Like? 25 3. Boundary Problems 47 4. How Boundaries Are Developed 59 5. Ten Laws of Boundaries 81 6. Common Boundary Myths 101 PART II: BOUNDARY CONFLICTS 7. Boundaries and Your Family 121 8. Boundaries and Your Friends 135 9. Boundaries and Your Spouse 148 10. Boundaries and Your Children 165 11. Boundaries and Work 191 12. Boundaries and Your Self 206 13. Boundaries and God 226 PART III: DEVELOPING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES 14. Resistance to Boundaries 237 15. How to Measure Success with Boundaries 267 16. A Day in a Life with Boundaries 285 Notes 295 About the Authors 297 Excerpt from other books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend 298 About the Publisher 356 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 7 Acknowledgments Scott Bolinder and Bruce Ryskamp caught the vision for this book from the very beginning. They arranged for a retreat on Lake Michigan, where we passed this vision on to other Zon- dervan staff members. Sandy Vander Zicht directed the editorial process and fine- tuned the manuscript into a book that is more graceful, more precise, and easier to read and understand. Dan Runyon cut the book down to a manageable size. Dave Anderson translated this book into a video curriculum. Sealy Yates encouraged and supported us throughout the whole process, from contract to finished book. 7 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 8 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 9 PART ONE WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES? 9 01.Boundaries 5/14/01 12:36 PM Page 10