031020755X_relation_fm.qxp 9/8/06 2:21 PM Page 1 This page is intentionally left blank 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 1 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 2 Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend Boundaries Boundaries Workbook Boundaries audio Boundaries curriculum Boundaries in Dating Boundaries in Dating Workbook Boundaries in Dating audio Boundaries in Dating curriculum Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries in Marriage Workbook Boundaries in Marriage audio Boundaries in Marriage curriculum Boundaries with Kids Boundaries with Kids Workbook Boundaries with Kids audio Boundaries with Kids curriculum Changes That Heal (Cloud) Changes That Heal Workbook (Cloud) Changes That Heal audio (Cloud) Hiding from Love (Townsend) How P eople Grow How P eople Grow Workbook How P eople Grow audio How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding Making Small Groups Work Making Small Groups Work audio The Mom Factor The Mom Factor Workbook Raising Great Kids Raising Great Kids audio Raising Great Kids for Parents of Preschoolers curriculum Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Preschoolers Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of School-Age Children Raising Great Kids Workbook for Parents of Teenagers Safe P eople Safe P eople Workbook 12 “Chris tian” Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 3 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 4 Boundaries in Dating Copyright © 2000 by Henry Cloud and John Townsend All rights reserved under International and Pan -American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non -exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down ­ loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of Zondervan. AER Edition January 2009 ISBN: 978-0-310-29668-3 Requests for information should be addressed to: Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Cloud, Henry. Boundaries in dating : how healthy choices grow healthy relationships / Henry Cloud and John Townsend. p. cm. ISBN-10: 0-310-20034-2 (softcover) ISBN-13: 978-0-310-20034-5 (softcover) 1. Dating (Social customs). 2. Dating (Social customs)—Religious aspects— Christianity. 3. Single people—Conduct of life. I. Townsend, John Sims, 1952- II. Title. HQ801. C59 2000 646.7'7—dc21 99-057936 The examples used in this book are compilations of stories from real situations. But names, facts, and issues have been altered to protect confidentiality while illustrating the points. All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Literary Agent, Orange, CA. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher. 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 • 47 46 45 44 43 42 41 40 39 38 37 36 35 34 33 32 31 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 5 To Matilda Townsend (1902–1983), who contributed greatly to my life —J. T. To singles everywhere, with the hope that your dating experience can realize the desires of your heart, and God’s best for you —H. C. 031020755X_relation_fm.qxp 9/8/06 2:21 PM Page 1 This page is intentionally left blank 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 7 Contents Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 Why Dating? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11 Part 1: You and Your Boundaries 1. Why Boundaries in Dating? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25 2. Require and Embody Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35 3. Take God on a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49 4. Dating Won’t Cure a Lonely Heart . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .71 5. Don’t Repeat the Past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77 Part 2: Whom Should I Date? 6. What You Can Live With and What You Can’t Live With . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91 7. Don’t Fall in Love with Someone You Wouldn’t Be Friends With . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .107 8. Don’t Ruin a Friendship Out of Loneliness . . . . . . . . . .121 9. Beware When Opposites Attract . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .133 Part 3: Solving Dating Problems: When You’re Part of the Problem 10. Adapt Now, Pay Later . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .151 11. Too Much, Too Fast . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .159 12. Don’t Get Kidnapped . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .173 13. Kiss False Hope Good-bye . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .187 14. Boundaries on Blame . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .203 0310200342_bounddating.qxp 5/15/07 11:27 AM Page 8 Part 4: Solving Dating Problems: When Your Date Is the Problem 15. Say No to Disrespect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .219 16. Nip It in the Bud . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .233 17. Set Appropriate Physical Limits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .239 18. Set Up a Detention Hall . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .257 Conclusion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .277 About the Publishe r . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 289 Share Your Though t s . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 290