Bile in the Afterlife A One-Act Comedy by Dawson Moore PO Box 3505 Valdez AK 99686 907-255-5325 [email protected] www.dawsonmoore.com 1 Bile in the Afterlife CHARACTERS BILE A very confident, recently deceased businessman. Confused but unafraid, he is clothed in a somber funeral suit. OSIRIS The Egyptian god. Now appearing as a middle- aged man, it has been a long three thousand years since his hey-day. He wears a faded turquoise tunic with a large azure headdress. On the visible parts of his skin, metal stitches hold his body together. He has a scraggly goatee. AKHENATEN The janitor. He sweeps up the ashes of those who were cremated at death. He also wears a faded tunic. SET An attractive woman with a secret, she wears a long flowing robe and an ornate head piece. SETTING The play takes place in the courtroom of Osiris in the afterlife. A huge pyramid-shaped altar dominates the stage. It is a faded sandy color and covered in hieroglyphics. A set of stairs goes up the middle of the altar, leading to a large flat top where Osiris presides. To the right of the bottom of the stairs is an antique book, laid open. There are ashes strewn about the ground. TIME Tomorrow. 2 SCENE 1 (The lights rise but remain dim. Ominous chanting. AKHENATEN pushes a broom across the stage. He does this throughout the play, ignoring everything else whenever possible. The music begins to skip. AKHENATEN scurries to the stairs and hits something beneath it. The chanting continues. OSIRIS appears at the top of the stairs, yawning.) OSIRIS All right, Akhenaten, hit the lights and let’s get started. It’s time for Martin Talon. (AKHENATEN quickly goes back to under the stairs and hits a button. Lights shoot up at OSIRIS, making him look more impressive. AKHENATEN hurries offstage. Moments later, he reappears, pushing BILE in front of him.) BILE Hey, don’t push! (AKHENATEN leaves him and goes back to his sweeping. BILE looks around, not noticing OSIRIS at the top of his altar. OSIRIS’ voice booms through the chamber.) OSIRIS Martin Talon. (pause) Martin Talon! BILE (turning to him, noticing him for the first time) My name is Bile. Haven’t let anyone use Martin since I was six. Who told you that name? OSIRIS Your name is Martin Talon. BILE It’s Bile. OSIRIS Martin. BILE You can keep calling me that if you want to, I just won’t be listening. (to AKHENATEN) Hey, you, janitor. 3 (BILE attempts to stop AKHENATEN, who avoids him.) OSIRIS Martin Talon, do you know where you are, what has transpired? Martin Talon, you have… (BILE is still ignoring him, and has started examining the pyramid.) Pay attention! BILE You can call me Bile or you can talk to yourself. I tested a ninety-seven on the Oswald Stubbornness Test. You think you can push me around? Keep calling me Martin and see where it gets you. OSIRIS You were born Martin Talon, August— (BILE grabs AKHENATEN.) BILE Hey, tell this blowhard something for me. (AKHENATEN looks helplessly up at OSIRIS.) My mother, sweet but unoriginal, with no prescience of who I would become, named me Martin. While I am no longer bitter about being given that stupid name, my name is now Bile. I chose it, legally changed it, it is my name. I am Bile, and the sooner he gets over his God-complex and accepts it, the sooner I’ll consider paying attention. OSIRIS (menacingly) Akhenaten… (AKHENATEN breaks free, grabs his broom, and begins sweeping frantically.) Have you brought your servitors? BILE What? OSIRIS Servitors, have you brought any? I’m on a tight schedule. 4 BILE Servitors? You mean lawyers? (BILE reaches in his inner coat pocket. A look of absolute horror comes over his face.) Where the hell is my phone? That’s a Startac 7000, top of the line! Don’t say you’ve lost it or we’re looking at a lawsuit. OSIRIS I don’t mean lawyers and you’re not going to be suing me. BILE I’m noticing… this just isn’t normal. Where the hell am I? OSIRIS You have no prepared confession? BILE Prepared… no, I guess not. OSIRIS There is a prepared confession you can read at the base of the stairs. Just read it aloud and make sure to articulate. BILE I’m dead. OSIRIS Yes, now please hurry, an informal confession would take too long. BILE I remember… a sharp pain in my chest… wait a minute, I repented! OSIRIS I don’t care. BILE I accepted Jesus as my savior, I did! It was the last thing I did as I went down, I’m telling you! OSIRIS I don’t care about that. Read the prepared confession. 5 BILE All right, all right, I’ll read it. At the base of the… “I have not killed anyone. I have not caused anyone to go hungry or weep. I have not taken food from the dead… I have not falsely weighed balances… falsely rustled cattle?” What the hell kind of confession is this? OSIRIS Just finish it. BILE Where am I? Who the hell are you? (OSIRIS raises his arms over his head and attempts to terrify BILE with his godliness.) OSIRIS I am Osiris, lord of all life, master of the underworld, judge of the dead! You have been brought before me to be— (His microphone fails with an audible pop. He struggles on, but his voice is no longer augmented.) To be, ha-hum, JUDGED for the way you have conducted your time on the, in the world of mortal men. Do you swear— (The lights on OSIRIS give out. He is an unimpressive sight, rattled and embarrassed.) Damn it, Akhenaten, what’s going on? You incompetent worm, you shall suffer for this! (AKHENATEN falls to his knees, prostrate.) BILE Excuse me. OSIRIS (ignoring BILE) Tortures of the cremated, that’s what’s in store for you, Akhenaten, if you don’t get everything up and running right now. You know we’ve got a full slate today! BILE Pardon me. OSIRIS I’ll deal with you in a moment, mortal. 6 BILE No, you’ll deal with me now. OSIRIS (taken aback) What? BILE You will deal with me now. OSIRIS Fool, I am Osiris, judge of— BILE Yeah, I heard the press release earlier. Osiris… that’s not Jewish, is it? Egyptian? OSIRIS Cease your insolence and obey me! BILE Why don’t you come down here and make me! OSIRIS What? BILE You heard me. I played racquetball six days a week for the last twenty years. Looks like it’s been an all-Twinkie diet for you here in hell. I dare you, come on down and we’ll see who does the obeying! (AKHENATEN suddenly dives onto BILE’s back, holding on tightly as BILE thrashes around. OSIRIS begins descending the staircase.) OSIRIS Hold him! BILE Get off me! (BILE hurls AKHENATEN in the direction of the stairs, causing OSIRIS to scramble. AKHENATEN groans at the base of the altar.) OSIRIS Cursed mortal, desist! 7 BILE Come here, old man. OSIRIS When I return, you shall suffer for this transgression! (OSIRIS exits out the back wall at the top of the stairs.) BILE You’ll do, then. AKHENATEN Ahhh! (AKHENATEN attempts to flee, but BILE grabs him by the tunic and pins him to the ground.) BILE You ever touch me again, you’ll regret it. AKHENATEN Fear, fear the power that is Osiris! He will strike you down! BILE Where’s he going? AKHENATEN Tremble, tremble! He is getting the Staff of Power, the most mighty weapon ever! BILE What does it do? Shoot sun-rays, boil the blood in your veins? AKHENATEN What? No, I don’t think it does. BILE What, then? AKHENATEN Well… I mean, I’ve never seen him have to use it before… could be anything. BILE And it could be nothing. Does he have any other cronies? I seem to remember the Egyptians having a lot of gods. AKHENATEN Gone! 8 BILE Gone where? AKHENATEN (pause) Gone! BILE Does that mean you don’t know? (AKHENATEN nods sheepishly.) They were here before though, right? AKHENATEN Oh yes! The day once was when Ra’s light flowed down upon us through the tresses of Nephthys, the lady of the sky, and my lord Osiris stood beside his sister and wife, the beautiful Isis. BILE Incestuous salad days here, huh? AKHENATEN His son Orus sat beside him, and Anubis was his second in the Underworld. BILE What happened? A war, some enemy? AKHENATEN Not really. They just… began to leave. Bored mostly. At first they’d just miss a shift, but missing days turned into missing years. BILE And then it was just Osiris here alone. Well, with you. AKHENATEN Yes. BILE Quite a workload, two guys processing all the world’s dead. AKHENATEN Most of them are getting cremated nowadays. Showing up completely incapacitated. I’ve been sweeping since the plague hit Europe. BILE I know why he’s here. How’d you get hooked into this? 9 AKHENATEN (pause) In antiquity, I was the man that men worshipped and called god… Pharaoh. And I declared that all Egypt must throw away the scattered worship of a million gods, and embrace the one God from whom all life springs. I declared it law, and tore down the images of my forefathers’ gods. BILE Bet it was a shocker to get here and find out you were wrong. AKHENATEN (snarling) I was not wrong! There is only one almighty God, and it’s not Osiris. He’s just— (The lights begin to flutter. AKHENATEN grabs his broom and cowers beside the stairs, whispering.) There is only one true God. He just doesn’t care! (OSIRIS appears at the top of the stairs, bearing an ornate golden staff, the Staff of Power.) OSIRIS Akhenaten, your offenses do not escape me. You shall suffer! (to BILE) And now, mortal, you shall see the horrible price of your impudence! BILE Bring your stick down here and we’ll see about that! (BILE moves towards the stairs. OSIRIS raises the staff and aims it at BILE.) OSIRIS Feel yourself weaken, feel yourself fail. Your muscles go limp, your heart trembles. (BILE begins to look a little woozy and drops to one knee.) BILE Hell! OSIRIS Yes, Martin Talon, you feel it now, do you not? All-Twinkie diet? Hah! Your will is mine, Martin Talon. BILE My… name… is… Bile!