0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page a Praise for As Time Goes By “I have a GPS for my car to help me find my way. If I wanted a ‘GPS for my life’ I’d go to Abigail Trafford. She’s the best guide to help me find my way in the second half of life.” —Harry R. Moody, Ph.D., director of Academic Affairs, AARP “Abigail Trafford proves she is a great storyteller and an original thinker as she maps out the new territory of inti- mate relationships in the second half of life. Whether you are married or single, alone or in a relationship, this won- derful book is for you.” —Mary Pipher, Ph.D., author of Letters to a Young Therapistand Seeking Peace “Everything I have ever wanted to know about sex and the second journey but didn’t dare ask, Abigail Trafford has an- swered in her revealing book, As Time Goes By. Her own experience as well as those of others makes for an honest, forthright, and compelling read.” —Joan Anderson, author of A Year by the Sea and The Second Journey 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page b This page intentionally left blank 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page i As Time Goes By 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page ii ALSO BY ABIGAIL TRAFFORD My Time Crazy Time 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page iii As Time Goes By Boomerang Marriages, Serial Spouses, Throwback Couples, and Other Romantic Adventures in an Age of Longevity A B I G A I L T R A F F O R D Basic Books New York 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page iv Copyright © 2009 by Abigail Trafford Published by Basic Books, A Member of the Perseus Books Group Throughout the book, asterisks indicate that names, identifying details, and some events relating to the individual have been changed. No case study, other than those in which real names are used, is or is intended to be descriptive of any living individual. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information, address Basic Books, 387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016-8810. Books published by Basic Books are available at special discounts for bulk purchases in the United States by corporations, institutions, and other organizations. For more information, please contact the Special Markets Department at the Perseus Books Group, 2300 Chestnut Street, Suite 200, Philadelphia, PA 19103, or call (800) 810-4145, ext. 5000, or e-mail [email protected]. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Trafford, Abigail. As time goes by : boomerang marriages, serial spouses, throwback couples, and other romantic adventures in an age of longevity / Abigail Trafford. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 978-0-465-00280-1 (alk. paper) 1. Middle-aged persons—Psychology. 2. Middle-aged persons— Sexual behavior. 3. Middle-aged persons—Attitudes. I. Title. HQ1059.4.T69 2009 306.81084’40973—dc22 2008037930 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page v For the grandchildren Brooks Sophia Lila (cid:129) (cid:129) 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page vi This page intentionally left blank 0465002801-Trafford:Layout 1 11/18/08 9:39 AM Page vii Contents Acknowledgments ix PROLOGUE Arc of Love xi Turmoil PART ONE 1 The Big Churn 3 2 Retired Spouse Syndrome 25 3 In Sickness and Health 45 4 Sexy Beasts 67 Surprise PART TWO 5 Circus Act 89 6 Breaking Up 109 7 Romantic Adventures 129 8 New Normal 149 vii