Are You Coming? A Vagina Owner’s Guide to Orgasm Laura Hiddinga Acclaim for Are You Coming? “Sex-positive, empowering, and easy to read. If you want to learn more about how to harness your body’s capacity for pleasure and orgasm, read this book!” —Dr. Laurie Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters—And How to Get It “Why the long wait for this book? Are You Coming? ought to be on every woman’s reading list. I bet that more than half of this book will come as a surprise to them. And let’s be honest, men ought to read this too. It’s easy enough because the writ- ing is really accessible (and the gorgeous illustrations are a great help too).”—VIVA Magazine “Manages to make sense of the most surprising sexual topics— and in a highly creative way. . . . Entertaining and useful!” —Amayzine Are You Coming? Are You Coming? A Vagina Owner’s Guide to Orgasm Laura Hiddinga Illustrations by Bo Sterenberg NEW YORK Are You Coming?: A Vagina Owner’s Guide to Orgasm Copyright © 2019, 2021 by LotteLust/Laura Hiddinga/Kosmos Uitgevers Illustrations copyright © 2019, 2021 by Bo Sterenberg Translation, as well as text on pp. 76–81, copyright © 2021 by The Experiment, LLC Originally published in the Netherlands as Kom je ook? by Kosmos Uitgevers, Utrecht/Antwerp, an imprint of VBK | media, in 2019. First published in English in North America in revised form by The Experiment, LLC, in 2020. All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no portion of this book may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or information storage or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. The Experiment, LLC 220 East 23rd Street, Suite 600 New York, NY 10010-4658 theexperimentpublishing.com This book contains the opinions and ideas of its author. It is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed in the book. It is sold with the understanding that the author and publisher are not engaged in rendering medical, health, or any other kind of personal professional services in the book. The author and publisher specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk—personal or otherwise—that is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this book. THE EXPERIMENT and its colophon are registered trademarks of The Experiment, LLC. Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in this book and The Experiment was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been capitalized. The Experiment’s books are available at special discounts when purchased in bulk for premiums and sales promotions as well as for fund-raising or educational use. For details, contact us at [email protected]. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Hiddinga, Laura, author. | Sterenberg, Bo, 1998- illustrator. Title: Are you coming? : a vagina owner's guide to orgasm / Laura Hiddinga ; illustrations by Bo Sterenberg. Other titles: Kom je ook? English Description: New York, NY : The Experiment, LLC, 2020. | "Originally published in the Netherlands as Kom je ook? by Kosmos Uitgevers, Utrecht/Antwerp, an imprint of VBK | media, in 2019"--Title page verso. Identifiers: LCCN 2020035584 (print) | LCCN 2020035585 (ebook) | ISBN 9781615197088 | ISBN 9781615197095 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Sex instruction for women. | Female orgasm. Classification: LCC HQ46 .H49 2020 (print) | LCC HQ46 (ebook) | DDC 613.9/6082--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020035584 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020035585 ISBN 978-1-61519-708-8 Ebook ISBN 978-1-61519-709-5 Cover and text design by Beth Bugler Author photograph by Nikki Okker Translated by Laura Vroomen Manufactured in Turkey First printing February 2021 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Contents Introduction viii 1 Orgasm: the basics 1 What they don’t teach you in history and biology class 2 The thirteen types of orgasm 19 Collect them all! The art of coming: Four people who know a lot about sex share their secrets 76 3 Orgasm, orgasmore, orgasmost 85 How to graduate cum laude in coming: eight techniques for reaching higher peaks 4 Babe, we need to talk . . . 105 How to turn sex into a hot topic (instead of a sore point)—and why no Big O is no big deal 5 Orgasm problems 121 What to do when you’re not coming 6 Assume your position 151 Orgasmic positions—straight or queer, partnered or solo 7 Let’s play 177 Get the job done with sex toys Appendix: Orgasm ABCs 191 Further Reading and Resources 194 Acknowledgments 196 About the Author 198 Introduction t’s a crying shame. Between the sheets, heterosexual women are consistently shortchanged. And that’s no exaggeration! According to a 2016 report published I in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, only 65 percent of straight women climax during sex, while 95 percent of their male partners always enjoy a happy ending. (But in other studies, the figure for straight women has been as low as 35 per- cent!) Compare this to the 86 percent of lesbian women who reported “nearly always” or “always” experiencing orgasm. And for people who’ve undergone gender confirmation surgery, it’s an issue, too: In one study of male-to-female patients post-operation, around 19 percent reported they “rarely easily” achieve orgasm during sex. Nearly 43 percent said they “usually easily” achieve orgasm—but “usually” is hard to define. And it definitely doesn’t mean always! Why this orgasm chasm? Judging by quite a few studies, many men believe that women can come through penetration alone. In reality, only about a quarter have that gift. But we also need to take a long hard look at ourselves, because some of us vagina owners tend to put our own pleasure second—and no matter what our sexual orientation is. We’re not familiar enough with our pleasure spots, don’t issue instructions, and, for many straight women especially, settle for a short bout of “foreplay.” (See the sidebar “What counts as sex?” on page 14 if you want to know why I put this term in quotation marks!) This book is going to change that—or rather, you are. In the next 200 pages, you’ll be learning everything you need to know when it comes to the basic guidelines for orgasm. How does an orgasm really work? What types of orgasms are there and how do you get them? How do you deal with pain during sex? Why do you get there so much faster solo than with someone else? How do you give your bed partner(s) feedback? In short: How does your sex life get better, hotter, more fun? And feel free to leave this book lying around in the bedroom for your sex partner to stumble across. Who knows, they may learn a thing or two! A note before you get started We have done our best to use inclusive language in this book, but unfortunately widely reported research on sex is not as inclusive as it could be: The focus has predominately been on “women” and “men” without consideration of alternative gender identities and often in heterosexual relationships. Even less consider trans people’s experiences. While we use inclusive language as much as possible, in order to accurately reference source material, we have maintained the terminology used (“women,” “men”) in historical and scientific research. The terms “assigned female at birth” (AFAB) and “assigned male at birth” (AMAB) also appear throughout. For those unfamiliar: Because some people do not identify with the gender assigned to them at birth and are gender nonconforming and/or transgender or gender-expansive, this is the preferred term to refer to someone who was born with “female” or “male” genitals. And to our readers recovering from surgery of any kind, please remember: Your body needs to recover fully before you experiment with any techniques in this book! If in doubt, consult with your doctor.