SELF-HELP Discover a better you—without anger A n g Anger is a normal emotion that we all experience from time to e time. But if you feel angry—and if your anger makes others r often uncomfortable, hurts your relationships or career, gets in the way of your M ability to make good decisions, or results in behaviors you later regret—it’s Anger Management a time to make a change. This powerful guide can help you take control of n your anger before it takes control of . you a g Fully revised and updated, offers a e Anger Management for Everyone comprehensive, evidence-based approach to help you stay cool and put m Ever yone for anger in its place. This edition includes new information on how anger e is influenced by hunger and sleep; muscle relaxation and mindfulness n exercises to soothe you when anger ramps up; and strategies for improving t communication with others. Using the ten proven-effective skills outlined f s e c o n d e d i t i o n o in this guide, you’ll gain a better understanding of your problem anger, r learn how to cope with everyday disappointments and frustrations, and E experience more happiness, success, and vitality in all areas of your life. v e “A practical, easy-to-follow guide to getting control of your anger so r that you can live a more productive life today. … Rather than get angry, y get this book.” —Robert L. Leahy, PhD, author of The Worry Cure o n RAYMOND CHIP TAFRATE, PhD, is a professor in the criminology and e 10 Proven Strategies criminal justice department at Central Connecticut State University. As a clinical psychologist, his work has focused on the treatment of problems common among justice-involved individuals. e s   d e to Help You Control Anger HOWARD KASSINOVE, PhD, ABPP, is a board-certified clinical psychologist, i c former chairperson of the psychology department at Hofstra University, and t o i past director of Hofstra’s PhD program in clinical and school psychology. o n and Live a Happier Life n d K AT RAYMOND CHIP TAFRATE, P D A h S SF IR N A HOWARD KASSINOVE, P D, ABPP An Imprint of New Harbinger Publications OT h www.newharbinger.com VE E Also available as an e-book Foreword by MATTHEW McKAY, PhD “Anger is a problem that people face on a regular basis, and learning how to recognize, talk back to your anger, and use skills to cope with frustration can save your job, your relationship, or even your life. This second edition of Anger Management for Everyone by Raymond Chip Tafrate and Howard Kassinove is an excellent, clear, and practical guide to each step in recogniz- ing your anger, developing the motivation to change, and learning how to immediately use a wide range of techniques to turn down the heat. Each chapter has a summary of the main points, and there are online resources that enhance the value of this important book. I will recommend this to my clients and colleagues.” —Robert L. Leahy, PhD, director at the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, and author of The Worry Cure and The Jealousy Cure “Great book on anger from two leading experts in the field! The best resource for anyone looking to better manage their anger and frustration, and live a happier, more fulfilling life.” —Denis G. Sukhodolsky, PhD, ABPP, associate professor in the department of psychiatry at the Yale University School of Medicine, director of the Evidence-Based Practice Unit at the Yale Child Study Center, and coauthor of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Anger and Aggression in Children “I always say that there are two kinds of people in the world: people with issues and dead people. In other words, as long as you’re alive, you have issues, and anger is certainly one of them. Anger Management for Everyone is a book you definitely need because it shows you specifically how to handle the anger that inevitably comes your way. Howard Kassinove and Raymond Chip Tafrate are pioneers in the field of anger management, and when you follow the very practical advice they offer here, you will handle the inescap- able anger in your life in a much better way.” —Christian Conte, PhD, level V anger management specialist, host of the radio show Emotional Management with Dr. Christian Conte, and coauthor of Anger Management Workbook “This second edition from Tafrate and Kassinove is a superb self-help guide- book for folks interested in learning strategies for reducing their anger and maximizing the positive outcomes of challenging situations. The reader is easily engaged in rethinking their anger triggers and better understanding their own anger responses. Based on sound cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) theory, the authors provide numerous everyday examples of anger triggers and multiple options for being “SMART”: Selection Menu for Anger Reduction Treatment. This edition includes an emphasis of mindfulness and meditation for relaxation, and methods for letting go of previously held anger. Delivered as a self-help workbook with numerous exercises that facilitate an individualized plan for anger management, there are also downloadable chapters for additional resources. This is a book that I will most certainly suggest to many of my own clients who would benefit from practical and effective intervention ideas.” —Eva L. Feindler, PhD, professor in the department of psychology at Long Island University, and program director for clinical psychology of the Long Island University doctoral program. She is author, coauthor, and editor of numerous books, including Adolescent Anger Control, Adolescent Behavior Therapy Handbook, Assessment of Family Violence, and Anger-Related Disorders “Few people on the planet have a better understanding of anger and how to manage it than Raymond Chip Tafrate and Howard Kassinove. In this won- derfully written second edition of Anger Management for Everyone, they guide readers to a deep understanding of their anger, and provide a treasure trove of strategies for working with it. This second edition incorporates new strate- gies based upon our growing understanding of anger and how to best treat it. Highly recommended for anyone who struggles with anger, as well as anyone who seeks to understand and help them.” —Russell Kolts, PhD, professor in the department of psychology at Eastern Washington University, author of The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Managing Your Anger, and coauthor of Experiencing Compassion-Focused Therapy from the Inside Out “Intense anger is among the most destructive of human emotions. Opposite of what most people believe, there are psychological treatments that can control, reduce, and even eliminate it completely. In this amazing self-help book, professors Tafrate and Kassinove—leaders in this field—will teach you the best strategies and techniques to overcome anger. This type of therapy is empirically supported by the most recent research, while at the same time being effectively delivered to you step-by-step, with truly clear language. Not only will you overcome anger, but you will enjoy reading this book too.” —Juan Sevillá and Carmen Pastor, clinical psychologists and directors at the Center of Behavior Therapy of Valencia (Spain), and coauthors of Taming the Dragon “Tafrate and Kassinove’s Anger Management for Everyone is an engaging, practical, educational, accessible, and inspirational resource for everyday people who struggle with anger issues, or health professionals working in this area. With years of clinical wisdom and evidence-informed interventions dis- tilled within this second expanded edition, readers will learn to better under- stand the nature and dynamics of their own anger, and how to effectively harness and manage it through a suite of practical interventions to move on to more satisfying, and less angry, lives. Compelling, compassionate, and relatable, the book’s generous use of case anecdotes illustrates core concepts while a suite of practice exercises helps readers put these into action.” —Mark E. Olver, PhD, registered doctoral psychologist, professor in the department of psychology at the University of Saskatchewan, and associate editor of Sexual Abuse and Criminal Justice and Behavior “Tafrate and Kassinove, world leaders in treatment and research for anger, have done the public a tremendous service with this book. Whether you have found that you have serious anger problems, or just experience ordinary levels of irritability, Anger Management for Everyone covers strategies to help people address the core problems that lead to anger, leading to more fulfilling lives and interpersonal experiences. Practical and highly accessible, the book integrates the latest research findings with direct methods that can be applied immediately after reading the book. I recommend it highly to everyone.” —Dean McKay, PhD, ABPP, professor in the department of psychology at Fordham University, past president of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, and past president of the Society for a Science of Clinical Psychology Anger Management Everyone for s e c o n d e d i t i o n 10 Proven Strategies to Help You Control Anger and Live a Happier Life RAYMOND CHIP TAFRATE, P D h HOWARD KASSINOVE, P D, ABPP h Impact Publishers, Inc. Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the pub- lisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent pro- fessional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2019 by Raymond Chip Tafrate and Howard Kassinove Impact Publishers An imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com Cover design by Amy Shoup Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer Edited by Xavier Callahan All Rights Reserved Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Tafrate, Raymond Chip, author. | Kassinove, Howard, author. Title: Anger management for everyone : ten proven strategies to help you control anger and live a happier life / Raymond Chip Tafrate, Howard Kassinove ; foreword by Matthew McKay. Description: Second Edition. | Oakland, CA : Impact, 2019. | Revised edition of the authors’ Anger management for everyone, c2009. | Includes bibliographical references. Identifiers: LCCN 2018049382 (print) | LCCN 2018050497 (ebook) | ISBN 9781684032273 (PDF e-book) | ISBN 9781684032280 (ePub) | ISBN 9781684032266 (paperback) Subjects: LCSH: Anger. | Conflict management. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Anger Management (see also FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Anger). | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Anger (see also SELF-HELP / Anger Management). | PSYCHOLOGY / Emotions. Classification: LCC BF575.A5 (ebook) | LCC BF575.A5 T35 2019 (print) | DDC 152.4/7--dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018049382 20 19 18 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Printing Contents Foreword v Preface and Acknowledgments vii Introduction 1 PART 1: Anger Basics 1 Common Anger Questions and Answers 8 2 Understanding Your Anger Episodes 24 3 Are You Ready to Change? 54 PART 2: Changing Anger Triggers 4 Strategy One: Manage Your Lifestyle 74 5 Strategy Two: Sidestep Provocations 89 6 Strategy Three: Find New Solutions to Social Problems 99 PART 3: Changing Thoughts That Lead to Anger 7 Strategy Four: Change the Way You Think About Your Life 118 8 Strategy Five: Let It Go! 133 9 Strategy Six: Forgive 140 PART 4: Changing Internal Anger Experiences 10 Strategy Seven: Calm Your Angry Urges with Relaxation, Mindfulness, and Meditation 166 11 Strategy Eight: Practice Exposure Techniques and Healthier Reactions 177 iv Anger Management for Everyone PART 5: Changing Anger Expression 12 Strategy Nine: Improve Your Social and Interpersonal Skills 192 13 Strategy Ten: Express Your Anger in an Assertive, Productive Way 212 Suggested Readings by Chapter Topic 227 Appendix A: Recommended Readings for Anger-Related Problems 231 Appendix B: Resources for Finding a Therapist 233 Endnotes 235 Foreword An estimated one in five Americans has an anger problem. Anger has enor- mous costs–for the individual and our society. For the individual who strug- gles with anger there are often serious health, career, and relationship outcomes. Medical research has implicated anger in disorders such as hyper- tension, cardio-vascular disease, ulcerative colitis, and increases in all-cause mortality. Anger leads to less satisfaction at work, and, in the words of anger researcher Myer Friedman, “is responsible for repeated disasters–careers wrecked, whole businesses and large enterprises threatened with ruin.” In our relationships, anger can be a destructive force that leads to higher divorce rates, broken friendships and family bonds, increased isolation and loneli- ness, and reduced community and social support. A large proportion of the physical and emotional abuse suffered by chil- dren in our society is driven by chronically angry parents and caregivers. These children often struggle with depression, social alienation, aggressive behavior, delinquency, poor school performance, and poorer overall adjust- ment. As adults, these victims of angry caregivers have higher rates of depres- sion, relationship dysfunction, emptiness, eating disorders, spouse abuse, and violent crime. Anger Management for Everyone (2nd Edition) offers effective, compre- hensive, and evidence-based solutions to the high personal and social costs of anger. In addition to classic CBT tools such as relaxation, mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, and assertiveness training, Drs. Tafrate and Kassinove offer new response delay techniques, new interventions to address problems with social (as opposed to anger-based) solutions, cutting edge strategies to disarm and avoid provocations, and special techniques to let go and forgive. Among the foremost anger researchers in America, the authors know the key to successful anger management: Anger coping skills must be learned while a person is angry. Research on state-dependent learning has shown us that skills learned in a calm state (while reading this book, for example) often can’t be remembered or utilized in an activated (angry) state. That’s why anger exposure–visualizing recent upsets and provocations while coping with distress and urges to attack–is essential to changing anger behavior.