All The Things I Never Said All pieces written by Mae Krell Cover art drawn by Tiffany Tremaine For you; and no there is not only one “you” There are many you’s. and those you’s know who they are. They know how I spent countless hours thinking about them and even more writing about them. and this is all the words I didn’t say to them. So to you, if you are reading this please understand why I did not open my mouth to speak when I should have and I hope all of these explain what I would have said. CONTENTS Introduction The Seasons Of People Beauty Hopes And Dreams Those Nights Definitions Human Invisibility The End The Happiest Of Sads Jumbeled Thoughts Shoot A Wilting Lie Breakdowns Untitled 1 (about you) 3 in the morning Late Nights Every Bird Has A Broken Song Blinded Childhood Sayings Four Twenty Two Empty Heart Hidden Insanity For Katelyn and Tiffany Gone Words Not Everything Can Be Hidden Summer Death In the Stars Untitled 2 (About you) My sea Floating (For Tiffany) Dead Heart Days Untitled 3 Blurred Numbers 543 (For Tiffany) Okay (for Jill) Suicidal and Cancerous {543 miles is bullshit, you’re always in my heart} Promises, Promises, But this time, It’s different The Future Untitled 4 (About you) Discoveries 3 In The Morning Poisoned Untitled 5 (About you) Monday Eerie Bones Untitled 6 (for you) Family Photos and a lost child Tunnels Fragile Breaths Child Of the Universe Introduction: Writing is hard, you know. The fact that you’re just supposed to sit down and have a million thoughts flow into your head is crazy. You could have a week where nothing but sadness floods your mind and you can’t think of anything and then you can have one day where your mind decides to change and goes wild with happy thoughts of even the stupidest things. So if you ask me how I think of what to write, I mean, I have no idea. They come to me, and sometimes they suck, but that doesn’t mean I don’t write them down. You need to write everything. The good and the bad and the sad and the happy, because one day you’ll look to the past and decide to read what you had written a while back. and I guess when you do you’ll be reminded of the friends, the breakups, the love, the loss, the ups, the downs, the rain and the sun. and I guess by then you’ll realize that’s all part of life. and life can be shitty. but fuck it. just live. One morning, any morning, you need to wake up and say to yourself, what the hell have you been doing until now, and you need to go out and live, because frankly, that’s all life’s got to offer. So this is me. Living. A 14 year old girl publishing a book of the only feelings she’s ever known how to express, in the only way she knows how to express them. So I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried to express my feelings the “right” way. In the way of words you can hear, in speech. But that’s never worked out for me much. It seems a little weird to me, to speak, if no one is listening. So for a while, when I was younger, I used to talk a lot. And I would babble on and on, and one day, I realized that, frankly, no one cared. no one was listening no one cared. So, I went on to express my feelings the way I knew how to. And speaking was not that way. At the time writing wasn’t either. And my way of expressing my feelings, wasn’t very helpful to anyone, especially not to me, even though I thought it was. Then last year, I discovered the glorious form of self expression and therapy that is writing. And I have not put the pen down since. Whenever I have something to say, I write it down, instead of well, saying it. And this is a collection of that. A collection of the happy words, the crying words, the bleeding words, and most of all the words I couldn’t physically move my vocal chords to get out of my mouth. Sometimes its hard, saying what you feel, advocating for who, or what you love. And that’s ok, because no matter how easy everyone makes it seem, or no matter how easy everyone says it is, It’s not easy. It’s not easy for anyone, it just comes more naturally to some, then it does to others. And that doesn’t mean one of us, is unequal, or inadequate, it just means one of us has to work a little harder to achieve greatness, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I am trying, no. I am going. With this book, with my writing, with me, whoever that is, to seek a great perhaps, because that’s what we all try to do, and that’s what we all want. So I guess, yeah, this is a collection of my words. All bunched together into this book you are holding or the file you are reading it on. But that doesn’t make it any less important. You. go, and pick up the pen, and just write. and write. and write. everything you’ve always wanted to say and couldn’t. and when you’re done with your writing, go on to read mine. Go on to read the words that all together make up all the things I never said. The Seasons Of People Summer; i fell for a boy who loved the beach because he said that in the waves he could hear all the voices of those who had been silenced by the creatures who walked the sand Fall; I fell for a boy who always asked me how i was doing and cared for me more than he did for himself but really, he needed more caring than i did Winter; I fell for a boy who seemed to love himself more than he loved anyone else but really he felt like he was the worst so he acted as if he was the best Spring; I fell for a boy who loved the rain every time he saw the sky’s tears he would run out and stand in the middle of the street so i would chase him and then complain because the rain was messing up my hair or my outfit and he would always say “That’s because you aren’t feeling the rain all you’re doing is getting wet” When spring left he left too and i wept like the sky did hoping he would come back to feel the rain again Beauty Did you ever wonder why in animals hip bones collar bones and rib cages being visible are thought of as sickly ugly and sometimes even abusive yet, in humans that is what we call beautiful Hopes And Dreams (For Allison) There are many things i hope for in life i hope that one day you will go and buy every dress you’ve ever wanted i hope that one day you’ll dance barefoot in wet grass and laugh i hope that one day you start to notice everything beautiful around you like flowers and small kittens i hope that one day you’ll go visit every small city and large country you want to and travel to your heart’s content i hope that one day you’ll stop worrying about all those things that are out of your control and one day i hope you decide to speak up for what you believe in and step out of your comfort zone i hope that one day you’ll fall in love with that one boy who you love even more than you love yourself and lastly i hope that one day you’ll forget all the pain you’ve endured and just learn to be happy Those Nights And every night I am haunted by the fact that all these memories that mean the world to me you probably don’t even remember and how now I don’t matter to you at all Definitions What is time? Is it the ticking clock hanging on the wall or is it the way the sun rises and sets on the horizon in summer is it the way a child grows over the course of seasons or is it the hourglass on my table counting the seconds until who knows when So when you said you wanted me to “give you time” i brought you the clock from my wall and i took you to watch the sun rise and set i showed you photos of a child growing and i brought you my hourglass instead of leaving it on my table to count the seconds until forever so now when you say to “give you time” what am i supposed to do? because i would cross oceans to bring you what you want i will do anything for you except leave your side So when you told me you needed to be alone i told you that was the one thing i could not do because without you my clock stops ticking and my seasons stop changing and the hourglass sitting on my table stops counting seconds because for me, without you there is no forever Human Invisibility You said you didn’t care for me anymore so you went your way and i went your way too but when you looked my way you saw nothing because to you i had become invisible. The End Goodbye is the hardest word to say because goodbye means leaving and leaving means drifting and drifting means forgetting but no matter how far away i am from you you will always be with me because well you’ve made your impact on me in a way no one else could have so, well thank you and goodbye and hopefully you won’t forget the color of my eyes or my smile and hopefully my memory will linger in your mind like the stars do when the dark rises but not drift away when night creeps out because well when you forget the color of my eyes i will soon forget yours too and then your memory will drift away and eventually all i’ll have left is the taste of coffee tainted kisses and the lingering memory of you The Happiest Of Sads How could you make