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Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2019 with funding from Conference on Jewish Material Claims Against Germany, Inc. https://archive.org/details/alivebychancemem01reif ALIVE BY CHANCE Memoir of a St. Louis Passenger By Liane Reif-Lehrer PI I Redacted Excerpt from the last chapter; The years have blunted the edges of memories, but the scars remain. Even now, over 60 years later, I feel undue agitation at airport security checks, when crossing the border into Canada or at the sight of a police car in my rear-view mirror. Even renewing my driver's license engages that "will I pass this checkpoint" fear. And what does it mean to a four-and-a-half year old child to be told that she will never see her father again? So much of my behavior is probably a reflection of and reaction to those events of my childhood. There is always an expectation of catastrophe that lies just beneath the surface and makes painful even the most trivial parting or transient separation — there is always that nagging inner voice that asks "Is this the last time?" and then I swallow hard and turn to go. In history books, wars start and end on well-defined dates. But in the lives of those who experience and survive the horrors and the nightmares, the fears live on —not only to the end of those persons lives, but unwittingly into the lives of their children — and perhaps even beyond that. Wounds heal, but scars remain. Liane Reif-Lehrer, PhD Alive By Chance Page 2 Dedication This book is dedicated to: • The passengers of the S/S St. Louis and to the memory of those who did not survive. • My father, Gerson (Gerschon) Reif, who I did not h ave the privilege of knowing because of the events in Europe on the threshold of World War II. • My mother, Klara (Clara) Gottfried Reif, who, at great sacrifice to herself, gave me the luxury of a lengthy education and the gift of a better life. • My brother, Fred Reif, for always being there and for allowing me to interview him for many hours. By virtue of being almost 8 years older than I am, he has a much more continuous and adult memory of our early years. His input about various occurrences was extremely valuable. He also read and made suggestions about the manuscript. i • My husband and best friend, Sherwin (Sam) Lehrer, who has stood by me for all these years and who threatens to write a companion volume about being married to a holocaust survivor. He also read and made suggestions about the manuscript. • Our children, Damon and Erica, who have been a wonderful part of my life. They read the manuscript and made many helpful suggestions. They have also —usually mostly graciously — put up with the ghosts of my past. Liane Reif-Lehrer, PhD Alive By Chance Page 3 Acknowledgements: Barbara Koenig Quart, my friend from Barnard College days, who, on the authority of being a professor of English, read parts of an early draft and thought my writing good enough to encourage me to complete this memoir project. Grace Dingee and Steve Heims, long time friends who published memoirs of their own which encouraged me in my efforts. Dr. Simon Schama, now at Columbia University, for his helpful discussion about a possible structure for the manuscript which helped me reign in an earlier more grandiose project idea. Dr. Bernhard Zimburg, the science attache at the Austrian Embassy in Washington, DC, who helped me find an agency that funded my travel expenses to the 1989 St. Louis reunion in Miami, Florida. The American/Austrian Foundation which generously provided funds for my travel expenses to the 1989 reunion in Miami, Florida. Watchmen for the Nations which arranged a very memorable second St. Louis passenger reunion in Ottawa in November 2000 that provided another opportunity for some of the passengers to meet again. All the passengers who sent me their stories, documents and photos. Unfortunately, I was not able to incorporate their material. In the end it became clear that I had to stick to just my own family’s odyssey. All the materials sent to me by other passengers will in due time be turned over to the US Holocaust Museum in Washington, DC for their archives. Miriam Krant, Associate Director of the National Center for Jewish Film at Brandeis University, Mary Johnson of Facing History and Ourselves in Brookline, Massachusetts, Anita Kassof of the U.S. Holocaust memorial Museum in Washington DC, Esther Brumberg and Adam Brown of the Museum of Jewish Heritage in New York, Herbert Karliner who was also a passenger on the St. Louis and organized the 1989 reunion in Miami, and the many other people who helped in some way with my project. Liane Reif-Lehrer, PhD Alive By Chance Page 4