Cold Open: 
 
 When Celia cums, 'tis earthquake hour The bed vibrates like kettledrums It is a grand display of power when Celia cums. When Celia farts, my hasty nose Sniffs up the fragrance from her parts Shamed are the violets and rose when Celia farts.
 
 Hey guys. That’s a little ditty I put together this week. Hope you like it. Hope you love it so much. Worked hard on it. 
 
 No. 
 
 That is one of 20th century occultist Aleister Crowley’s poems, titled, as you might guess, “When Celia farts”. Not exactly the kind of poem I heard growing up in English lit class. Would have been a huge crowd pleaser in 8th grade. Who am I kidding - it would have been a crowd pleaser between 6th grade and sophomore year of college. Maybe not wildly scandalous today, BUT - Aleister was writing poems like this at the dawn of the 20th century when he had to pen them under a pseudonym and publish them via foreign presses to avoid being arrested in Victorian era Britain on obscenity charges. 
 
 Aleister Crowley was an infamous Satanist in the sense that he worshipped evil and wanted, among other things, to bring the Devil himself into this world. Many modern Satanists dispute this label - they say he’s not a Satanist at all! They tend to base this on Anton Lavey founding an organization of the Church of Satan roughly 20 years after Crowley’s passing. But - that’s just semantics. You don’t get to redefine the term “Satanist” and then assert that your new meaning is now the only acceptable definition of the term. Crowley was a Satanist in the sense that he wanted to bring down Christianity. He also didn’t believe in it. He didn’t believe but at the same time, did believe in malevolent spirits and sentient beings living in other dimensions. Beings Christians refer to as demons. One demon being the Devil. And he wanted, and actually tried, to invoke these actual demons and bring them into our world. Who was this dark, strange man and how was he able to leave the mark he did on Western Culture? All is revealed! The great Beast exposed! And more Celia-esque whackadoodle poetry and writings, today, on Timesuck. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I. Welcome to the Show: 
 
 Intro: What’s up Timesuckers and Space Lizards! I’m Dan Cummins aka Prophet of Nimrod aka the Suckmaster aka the Missing Eye of Bojangles and this is Timesuck. Recording from a hotel room in Brea California but the sound of the Suck will be polished up by Reverend Doctor Krell in scenic Couer d’Alene, Idaho before it hits your ear membranes. 
 
 Got to be on the Church of What’s Happening Now with Joey Coco Diaz - what an awesome time - that episode is out and was also a guest on the Adam Corolla show. So fun to be on two of the biggest comedu podcasts out there in the same week. If you’ve snuck over to the snuck from either show - thank you, thank you, thank you! Hope you stay. Recording an episode of Tin Foil Hat with Sam Tripoli later today. Love that whackadoodle. He’s my favorite conspiracy nut. Lot of fun podcasting this week. Hail Nimrod! 
 
 More shows at Brea at the Improv this weekend and then back in my wife’s hometown - back at Hilarities in Cleveland March 22-24th. Get there Cleveland. You fucking get there. 
 
 Salt Lake City April 20-21st. Charlotte, Atlanta, Birmingham, Huntsville, Atlanta, Dallas, Houston, and now San Antonio all part of the 2018 Flat Earth tour. 
 
 More tour dates at www.dancummins.tv Also - Hoodies and pullovers restocked in the store. I know those were out. More Secret Suck shirts being ordered. New stickers have been ordered. Vinyl decals have been ordered. Keeping the Suck Train moving down the tracks. And now - Aleister Crowley! PAUSE INTERLUDE
 
 II.Intro: Aleister Crowley would be born into wealth into a typical Victorian British Christian culture he would come to despise. He would die penniless and virtually alone in a post Victorian world that largely despised him. He was a poet, an author, an artist, and mostly, a mystic. 
 
 He created his own religion, Thelema (tha-lee-mah), whose guiding, core principle is “Do what thou wilt”. “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will. There is no law beyond Do what thou wilt.”
 
 Crowley, aka the Great Beast, as he himself like to be called, became infamous for his scandalous ways - he did a lot of what he wilt - which involved a lot more than dirty poetry and he has name recognition today mostly via living on through pop culture. 
 
 Heavy metal pioneer Ozzy Osbourne released a tribute to Aleister called Mr. Crowley in 1980 on his debut solo release, Blizzard of Ozz. It’s made a variety of top 50 most influential metal songs of all time lists. The Beatles included Mr Crowley alongside dozens of other influential figures on the cover of their Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album. David Bowie was fascinated with Crowley and references him in lyrics and in the way he dressed with some of his Ziggy Stardust costumes. Led Zeppelin, Tool, so many somewhat obscure Scandinavian metal bands have been influenced or obsessed or both by Aleister Crowley. 
 
 He’d become very influential, especially after his death, in Western culture’s mainstream break from religion. And that’s why we’re looking into him today. So let’s get to this know this strange, strange man with a lengthy deep dive of a Timesuck Timeline. PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE INTRO
 III.Timesuck Timeline A. October 12th, 1875: Edward Alexander Crowley was born at 30 Clarendon Square in the Royal Leamington Spa, Warwickshire, England, on October 12th, 1875. And he was born into a life of comfort and luxury. 
 
 His father, Edward Crowley, 46 at the age of Aleister’s brith, was trained as an engineer, but due to his share of a lucrative family brewing business, Crowley's Alton Ales - a business that would last from 1821 until 1947, a damn good run! - he was already retired before his son was born. He had a strained relationship with his mother, Emily Bertha Bishop, who would nickname her apparently unruly child - "the Beast”. Guessing this Christian woman would come to really regret that nickname years later when he became the most notorious occultist of his era. 
 
 Young Edward’s childhood was filled by a combination of the lack of financial concern and yet the no real earthly enjoyment of that wealth. His family was extremely conservative - both parents were members of the Exclusive Brethren, an off shoot of the Plymouth Brethren. The Plymouth Brethren are alive and well, by the way. They seem to exist mainly in the UK and Australia - headquartered in Ermington, Australia, but they also exist to some degree in the US, Canada, the Caribbean, elsewhere in Europe, and Argentina. It originated in Dublin in the 1820s - an offshoot of Anglicanism, and, it seems a little whackadoodle. 
 
 For example, discipline among Brethren may involve formal social ostracism or "shunning" to varying degrees, dependent upon which kind of Brethren group it is. For instance, people placed "under discipline" may be asked not to attend any group functions which are purely social, and people may decline to eat or even shake hands with members who are under discipline.
 
 Really? You’re going to shame sinning adult members of the congregation by not shaking their hands if they’ve been naughty? You’re going to shun them? Get the fuck out of here. I hate that shit. What happened to forgiveness and the church being a shelter in the storm - a light in the darkness - a place of solace for the good and the wicked alike? They sound super judgey. Reasons for being put under discipline by both the Open and Exclusive Brethren include disseminating gross Scriptural or doctrinal error, in the eyes of the fellowship, or being involved in what is deemed sexual immorality (including adulterous, homosexual, or premarital sex). Being accused of irregular or illegal financial dealings may also result in being put under discipline. In extreme cases, members may be asked to shun or divorce members of their immediate families. 
 
 I should add the church does not consider itself denominational, so, there’s no firm hierarchy and various churches can institute policies as they see fit. So, one church can be way more into discipline than another. I just felt it important to add a little bit about the overall tone of this Christian offshoot - doesn’t sound like a place with a lot of fun songs about God’s love and forgiveness. Sounds like it was a lot more fire and brimstone than peace be with you. 
 
 However, both of young Edwards parents are super into it. And so is he. The family is hardcore. The Crowley’s didn’t even celebrate Christmas because it was too pagan. Neither one of them ever have a job when young Edward is alive, which gives them a ton of free time to throw into their faith. Edward, Sr. even became a preacher, traveling to nearby towns to preach the good word. 
 B. Feb. 29th, 1880: On Feb. 29th, 1880, when young Eddie is four, the Crowley’s bring a second child into the world - Grace, who dies the same day. She lived for only 5 hours. First of many early childhood deaths in this tale by the way. How tragic for her poor parents. He would be remain an only child. Crowley would later say he remembered being taken to see the body and in his own words: "The incident made a curious impression on me. I did not see why I should be disturbed so uselessly.  I couldn't do any good; the child was dead; it was none of my business.”  This cold, logical attitude continued through his life. 
 
 This incident, I’m strongly guessing, pushed the Crowleys deeper into their faith. They now became pathologically anti-pleasure. They constantly warned young Edward against sin and constantly reminded him of the consequences (Hell!). So, home life takes a dip as far as fun goes after sis dies. 
 
 And yet, early on his childhood, little Eddie didn’t seem to mind all this preaching. It was what he knew. And as a young child, he wasn’t rebellious. The “beast” would emerge later. He was a daddy’s boy. He was devoted to his father and as a child he wanted to follow in his footsteps. (Rawles). Inspired by his father's faith inspired Crowley as a child to become a fervent little Plymouth Brother who studied the Bible eagerly. The prophetic passages in the Book of Revelation of the Beast 666 and the Scarlet Woman particularly fascinated him. He readily imagined himself a servant of God, just like his Father, battling Satan and his hordes. He’d later say of his dad - years later when he was deep into the occult - “My father, as wronged-headed as he was, had humanity and a degree of common- sense.” 
 C.March 5, 1887: And then, on March 5th, 1887, when little Eddie is 11, Ed, Senior pulls a a total dick move and dies of tongue cancer. Jesus. Fatal tongue cancer in the later 19th century had to have been a motherfucker of a way to go out. I can only imagine what kind of treatments old-timey doctors prescribed, “I reckon it’s time we stick a bunch of leaches on your tongue? I want you to take opium in the morning. Laudanum in the evening. Both oral and suppository. And, I may cut one of your legs off.” And yes - even in merry ol’ England doctors talked like old-timey prospectors. 
 
 The death of his father was a pivotal moment in young Edwards’s life. He became angry with God! How could God take the life of a man so devoted to Him? It wasn’t fair. He denounced the church, and then his mother along with it. And I feel like, had his Father just not died, no one would be talking about Aleister Crowley today. There literally would be no “Aleister” because he would’ve never changed his name to Aleister from Edward in his anger. 
 
 Emily and young Edward moved in with her brother, his Uncle, Tom Bishop in the Drayton Gardens section of London later that year. (Sutin 28) And it didn’t go well. Young Crowley wasn’t a fan of Uncle Tom. He’d later describe him poorly, saying, “No more cruel fanatic, no meaner villain, ever walked the earth." So, you know, they wouldn’t go grab beers together from time to time once he left the house. Uncle Tom ran a household so strict he even forbade young Edward from reading of David Copperfield because a certain character in the work was named Emily; and this might cause Crowley to disrespect his mother due to her sharing that name. 
 
 Frustrated under his Uncle’s authoritarian rule, angry over his Father’s untimely death, young Crowley starts to rebel and become quite the disturbed young man. He described a childhood incident years later in his autobiography, The Confessions of Aleister Crowley, “I therefore caught a cat, and having administered a large dose of arsenic I chloroformed it, hanged it above the gas jet, stabbed it, cut his throat, smashed its skull and, when it had been pretty thoroughly burnt, drowned it and threw it out of the window that the fall might remove the ninth life. In fact, the operation was successful; I had killed the cat.”
 
 Jesus. 
 
 The torture and murder of neighborhood pets. Never a good indication of future, positive behavior. That shit doesn’t come up in the biographies of people like Warren Buffet or Oprah Winfrey. Can you imagine Oprah talking about chloroforming, hanging, stabbing, burning, drowning, smashing and then tossing a cat out of a window? “As a little girl, I knew I wanted to achieve more than anyone in my family ever had. One day, after returning to my mother’s home in Milwaukee, sick of bouncing back and forth between my parent’s homes, never feeling truly wanted in either place, I became so angry, that I motherfucked my neighbor’s cat to death. I smashed that motherfucker’s skull!” 
 
 No. 
 
 If any of you listening did something similar as a kid, you’re gonna have to work the rest of your life on keeping your inner psychopath in check. Pushing young Crowley’s youthful anger and deviant behavior into a religious direction is one Reverend H. d'Arcy Champney. The Reverend Doctor Champney ran the Sons of the Brethren Christian School in Cambridge. Crowley described his time there as “A Boyhood in Hell." And it doesn’t sound like he was extremely well liked by the other students. 
 
 He was often placed in solitaire for misbehavior - little bit of that Brethren discipline I mentioned earlier! They loved to isolate sinners! Once placed in solitary, neither student nor master could speak to him, or he to them; he received only bread and water to eat; in play hours he walked round and round the schoolroom, during work hours he was placed alone on the playground. This strain of isolation apparently affected his kidneys and he had to leave school altogether for two years. His health deteriorated so badly that the doctors attending him feared he might die in his teens. Once his kidney disorder was found out the other boys bullied him unmercifully; his kidneys were regarded the most satisfactory parts of his anatomy to punch.
 D.1892: In early 1892, the 16 year old Crowley’s sexual life began. And it took a deviant turn pretty quickly - fitting, considering his later behavior. He lost his virginity to a “theater girl” when he was 16 and then his next sexual encounter was with the “family parlor maid” - he had sex with on his mother’s bed. He blamed the “repressive nature of his home” for pushing him towards this “magical affirmation of my revolt.” This “magical affirmation” proved to be sexual intercourse with the family parlor maid. “And I had her on my mother’s very bed!” Later this same year, he was expelled from school for contracting gonorrhea from a prostitute. Seems like a strange thing for the school to find out about, let alone expel you for - but that’s what happened! 
 E. 1894: Around the age of 18, in 1893, Crowley received an initial inheritance - somewhere between 30 and 40 thousand pounds. Equivalent to around 500,000 pounds today. Nice little head start! 
 He invested most of it in real estate - buying a few townhouses and renting them out. He took some of the rest and became a silent partner in a successful pub. He used the remainder to go to school, where he studied business. By the time he graduated, he had almost doubled his inheritance through shrewd - GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. This isn’t the life of a decent, sensible person we’re talking about today. We’re talking about an irresponsible hedonist. 
 
 Nah. He joins some mountaineering club and heads to the Swiss alps and dicks around for awhile climbing mountains. Such a trust fund kid thing to do. You didn’t earn that money, why not go blow it? 
 
 Cambridge Years: F. 1895: In 1895, Crowley begins studying at Trinity College at Cambridge where he studies science, literature and philosophy. He’d pass the Special Examination in Chemistry in 1898 and then leave school early during his final Spring term without bothering to get a degree. Another very trust fund kid decision. 
 
 He also became “Aleister” in college, changing his name from Edward. He’d explain his logic behind the change years later: “For many years I had loathed being called Alick, partly because of the unpleasant sound and sight of the word, partly because it was the name by which my mother called me.” 
 
 And she called him that, because his middle name was Alexander and her husband, before he died was also named Edward. Makes sense. He goes on: 
 
 “Edward did not seem to suit me and the diminutives Ted or Ned were even less appropriate. Alexander was too long and Sandy suggested tow hair and freckles. I had read in some book or other that the most favorable name for becoming famous was one consisting of a dactyl followed by a spondee, as at the end of a hexameter: like "Jeremy Taylor". Aleister Crowley fulfilled these conditions and Aleister is the Gaelic form of Alexander.”
 
 And a dactyl is a metrical foot - a beat in a line of poetry - consisting of one long and two short syllables or of one stressed and two unstressed syllables (as in tenderly). 
 
 A spondee is a metrical foot consisting of two long or stressed syllables, such as downtown - an equal amount of stress on each syllable. 
 
 A hexameter is a line of verse consisting of six metrical feet. An example is  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in the long poem Evangeline:
 
 Now had the season returned, when the nights grow colder and longer, 
 And the retreating sun the sign of the Scorpion enters.
 Birds of passage sailed through the leaden air, from the ice-bound,
 Desolate northern bays to the shores of tropical islands.
 
 See - there are six beats there for those of you who didn’t just fall asleep. I didn’t know any of this shit by the way. Had to look it all up. Total English lit student thing to do - change your name to realign it to a common poetic rhythm. Why not? Live a little. 
 
 Aleister continues: “To adopt it would satisfy my romantic ideals. The atrocious spelling A-L-E-I-S-T-E-R was suggested as the correct form by Cousin Gregor, who ought to have known better. In any case, A-L-A-I-S-D-A-I-R makes a very bad dactyl. For these reasons I saddled myself with my present nom-de-guerre—I can't say that I feel sure that I facilitated the process of becoming famous. I should doubtless have done so, whatever name I had chosen.
 
 So, you know, he was an eccentric cat. 
 
 Aleister also did a bit more sexual experimenting while in college, beginning a homosexual relationship with Jerome Pollit in October 1897 that would last for months. Crowley would later write that "I lived with Pollitt as his wife for some six months and he made a poet out of me.” Huh. I thought you became a poet by writing poetry. Turns out all you have to do is become some dude’s wife! 
 
 Crowley would later reflect on this relationship in his book, “The Scented Garden of Abdullah the Satirist of Shiraz - part homo-erotic parody, part mystical text. Only 200 copies were ever printed and most were destroyed upon seizure after being published due to the filth inside! The naughty wickedness! The carnal sins of the flesh!