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A Survival Guide for Working with Humans Dealing with Whiners, Back-Stabbers, Know-It-Alls, and Other Difficult People GINI GRAHAM SCOTT, PH.D. AMERICAN MANAGEMENT ASSOCIATION New York | Atlanta | Brussels | Chicago | Mexico City | San Francisco Shanghai | Tokyo | Toronto | Washington D.C. Special discounts on bulk quantities of AMACOM books are available to corporations, professional associations, and other organizations. For details, contact Special Sales Department, AMACOM, a division of American Management Association, 1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019. Tel.: 212-903-8316. Fax: 212-903-8083. Web site: www. amacombooks.org This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Scott, Gini Graham. A survival guide for working with humans : dealing with whiners, back-stabbers, know-it-alls, and other difficult people / Gini Graham Scott. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0-8144-7205-2 1. Conflict management. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Interpersonal conflict. I. Title. HD42.S358 2004 650.1′3—dc22 2003020908 © 2004 Gini Graham Scott, Ph.D. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. This publication may not be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in whole or in part, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of AMACOM, a division of American Man- agement Association, 1601 Broadway, New York, NY 10019. Printing number 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Contents Acknowledgments........................................................................ v Introduction ................................................................................. 1 I. An Aggressive Species 1. When Sweet Revenge Isn’t So Sweet ............................................ 7 2. Watch Out for the Eggshells ........................................................ 12 3. Don’t Fight—Find Out! ............................................................... 16 4. When to Turn Down the Volume, or Find Someone Else to Do It ......................................................... 21 5. When a Problem Spirals Out of Control ...................................... 26 6. Prepare for the Worst-Case Scenario............................................ 31 7. When Nothing Is the Best Solution.............................................. 39 8. Keep It Clear, Clear, Clear............................................................ 44 II. Political Animals 9. Choosing Your Battles .................................................................. 51 10. Watch Out for Confidences.......................................................... 55 11. When You’re Not in the Family.................................................... 59 12. Dealing with Unearned Praise...................................................... 64 13. The Blame Game .......................................................................... 68 14. Besting the Betrayer...................................................................... 75 III. Ethical Dilemmas 15. Don’t Let Them “Ethics” You ....................................................... 83 16. When Somebody Wants to Change the Rules.............................. 88 17. When There’s a Betrayer in the Group......................................... 93 - iii / 18. Finders Keepers—Or Not?............................................................ 99 19. Fraud Happens............................................................................. 105 IV. People Who Ask Too Much 20. The Great Communicator—Not!................................................. 113 21. Learning to Let ’Em Go: The Demanding Client ......................... 117 22. The Give-and-Take Paradox......................................................... 121 23. When Nothing Seems to Work, It’s Time to Go Legal ................. 126 24. Passing the Responsibility Buck................................................... 131 25. Get Out While You Can ............................................................... 137 26. When Help Turns into Help!!!—Get Me Out of This.................. 145 V. Capturing and Keeping the Job 27. Beating the Recommendation Game............................................ 153 28. Knowing When to Back Off: Don’t Push a Negotiation Too Far................................................ 158 29. What to Do When Everything Seems to Be Going Wrong........... 163 30. When to Keep Your Cards to Yourself.......................................... 167 31. Watch Out for Warning Signs...................................................... 172 32. Don’t Resign Yourself—Redesign Yourself .................................... 179 33. Be a Problem Solver—Theirs, Not Yours ..................................... 183 34. Dealing with the Boss from Hell .................................................. 187 VI. Putting It Together 35. Mastering Your Survival Skills ..................................................... 195 36. What’s Your Survival Quotient? A Self-Assessment Quiz ............ 206 Index ............................................................................................ 211 About the Author......................................................................... 216 iv a SURVIVAL GUIDE for WORKING with HUMANS Acknowledgments I want to extend my thanks to the many people who contributed to this book, especially to: My editor at AMACOM, Jacquie Flynn, who helped guide the process of turning what began as newspaper columns in a dozen papers into a book. She offered many insights and was always cheerful and fun to work with. My copyeditor, Barbara Chernow, who made the review process a breeze. The agent I worked with on this book, Mike Valentino, at Cambridge Literary, who handled the follow-up and contract details, after I sent out an initial query through publishersandagents.net. And to the many people, who must remain unnamed, who described their own workplace problems and conflicts and asked for advice. Gini Graham Scott Introduction T oday, with a sputtering economy, collapsing and merging companies, corporate scandals, high-tech upheavals, and growing global competition, life in the workplace is more difficult than ever. Trusting in business relationships has become more uncertain, too. It helps to have guidelines on how to maneuver through today’s unpredictable work environment, much like learning to swim through a narrow chasm in a swirling river. That’s what A Survival Guide for Working with Humans is all about. It started with a series of mostly weekly columns in the San Francisco Bay Area on the perils of the workplace and what to do about them. Even- tually my editor had to drop the columns to run more advertising and specialty features, but as reader response grew I decided to expand on the idea for these columns and turn them into a book. In a sense, I decided to take my own advice: to find a way to turn a problem into an opportunity and look for ways to put a positive spin on whatever happens. Indeed the columns themselves were inspired after a long-term relationship with a difficult client went south, and my solution to the problem ended up as the topic of one of the first columns. Then, as I heard from readers, I saw how my own approach helped others. It’s based on using a method I developed through consulting, doing workshops and seminars, and writing books on a wide range of - 1 / topics—from becoming more creative to making choices, solving problems, dealing with change, and resolving conflicts and ethical dilemmas. This approach reflects a mix of using problem solving and conflict resolution techniques, along with employing methods such as visuali- zation, mental gymnastics, and intuitive reasoning to decide the best approach. It also features an emphasis on using common sense and playing fair—but at the same time accepts the need to be aggressive and even devious when confronting a stacked deck. Other basic principles include seeking clear communications, promoting increased productiv- ity along with improved morale and relationships, and contributing to the common good while helping yourself. In short, this approach is a combination pragmatic/ethical, intuitive/rational, follow-the-rules but know-when-to-make-or-break-them method that makes work and business, as well as personal relationships, more successful. What’s important in using these methods is to recognize that no one size fits all, and different principles, strategies, and tactics will work best for you at different times. But as you think about how other people have applied these techniques and principles, you’ll start thinking how you might use them yourself in different situations, with different people, and for different purposes. So consider these chapters as a series of recipes for coming up with a better way of dealing with your everyday experiences at work and in business relationships. It’s the first in a series of books of recipes for success, which cover questions on everything from how to remake yourself in a more diversified workplace to how to deal with backstabbing, gossip, poor communication, and even when to bring in the lawyers or go to court. In keeping with this recipe approach, each chapter includes: O An introductory paragraph highlighting the problem. O A short story or a couple of stories about one or more people who faced this problem (with their identities and companies concealed, of course). 2 a SURVIVAL GUIDE for WORKING with HUMANS O A quiz with a list of possible responses so you can think about what you might do; you can even use this as a game to discuss this issue with others and compare your responses. O A discussion about what people did to resolve their problems successfully or what they might do. O A series of three or more take-aways to highlight what to learn from the chapter. I hope you find that the short, snappy, conversational style of this survival guide makes it fun and quick to read, even if some of the problems are ones you haven’t encountered. So now, dig in. Feel free to explore and try out these different recipes in any order as you learn and think about how to increase your workplace survivor-ability quotient—your SAQ for short. Plus, if you have your own questions—feel free to visit my Web site and ask for answers to your own questions—at www.workingwithhumans.com. INTRODUCTION 3