30 Rock "Do It Anyway" by Pamela Ribon ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. WRITER’S ROOM - AFTERNOON The writers room is punchy, animated, laughing, clapping. LIZ watches a sketch re-enactment between LUTZ and FRANK. Josh mimes wiggling on a pole like a stripper. Frank is standing next to him. PETE narrates, reading a script. PETE And then the devil goes: Frank tosses money at Lutz’s face. FRANK “Is this what you wanted? Eat it, lady! Eat my cash! Eat it, bitch!” The rest of the room erupts into laughter and applause as Lutz and Frank take a bow. LIZ Great. It’s great, right? FRANK It’s a good sketch, Liz. LIZ Thanks. Well, the only problem I can see is... I’m not sure Jenna’a going to be okay with playing a money-grubbing whore. A beat. Then everybody breaks into laughter again. ANGLE ON: Liz sticks a “Money Ho” notecard to the board. LIZ (O.S.) (CONT’D) And that’s what we call “Comedy.” TRACY bursts into the room. TRACY Everybody! Come quick! I just saw my face in a tortilla! Everybody immediately leaps to see, happy for the new distraction. As they clamor out the door, JENNA enters, weeping, face streaked with mascara. She GRABS LIZ’S ARM before Liz can skip out the door. 2. JENNA I’m so glad you’re here. The worst thing in the world has happened! LIZ Yeah, Jenna. Do you think it can wait five minutes? There’s kind of an emergency situation thing. JENNA What’s wrong? Is everything okay? LIZ You actually care? JENNA No, not at all. That’s my point. Deal with me right now! Jenna runs into Liz’s office, howling. Liz follows. CUT TO: INT. LIZ’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Jenna is huddled in chair, weeping. Liz sits at her desk. LIZ Okay. I mean, somebody’s definitely going to eat Tracy’s face before I get to see it, but fine. What’s up? JENNA This. Jenna tosses an open tabloid magazine onto Liz’s desk. ANGLE ON: Paparazzi shot of Jenna walking out of a coffee shop. An arrow points to her stomach with the word “BUMP?” LIZ Ohhhh. “Bump.” JENNA “Bump!” This is so unfair! I haven’t eaten a carb in sixteen years. I don’t even believe in fruit. I exist purely on mustard, vitamins and high-octane vanity. There is no way I have a bump. 3. LIZ You’re right: it looks like you have that bump because of the way your sweatpants are hanging. JENNA (horrified) They’re not sweatpants! Those are cashmere, you monster! I don’t know why I came to you. I can’t expect you to understand when you couldn’t care less about what you look like when you leave your apartment. LIZ I care! About my safety! Nobody’s sexually harassing this lady on her way to work! This outfit says, “Nothing to see here! Just an independent woman making her way in a tough world! So eyes off, and respect ON.” CUT TO: INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Tracy holds the tortilla up to his face. Frank and Lutz inspect. LUTZ Uncanny. FRANK It’s like one of those brain teaser things. First it looks like Tracy, but it also looks like an old woman looking away. TRACY Grizz. Dot Com. Tracy’s entourage perks up from their places on the couch. GRIZZ Yeah, boss. TRACY I need you to find everything in the world that has my face on it. 4. DOT COM You got it, boss. TRACY I mean it. Everything. Potatoes. Tree trunks. FRANK Lutz’s mom’s butt. TRACY Lutz’s mom’s butt. LUTZ Oh, funny. TRACY I don’t know your mom’s butt, I could be there. Do you know for a fact that my face isn’t on your mom’s butt? How close have you been to your mom’s butt, anyway? LUTZ You legally can’t make me answer that. CUT TO: INT. JENNA’S DRESSING ROOM - AT THE SAME TIME Jenna is distraught, sucking in her stomach, looking at herself in a mirror. LIZ Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up. I’ve got a really funny sketch I wrote for you. JENNA Oh, yeah? LIZ You’re a well-respected CEO who manages to balance a career and a family. JENNA Sounds boring. 5. LIZ It was. So we threw it out and wrote a sketch called “Money Ho.” You’re mostly naked, which I figured you’d like. Yay! Something shifts in Jenna. She straightens. JENNA (solemnly) It’s true, there was a time I would’ve loved that. But things are different now, Liz. I have an image to protect. I have to think about the baby. LIZ Who baby? Jenna lovingly touches her bump. JENNA I realize now the honorable thing to do is go through with the pregnancy. LIZ Obviously. CUT TO: INT. JACK’S OFFICE - DAY Liz enters to find JACK typing intensely at his computer. LIZ Jack-- JACK (to the computer, while typing) “... I had hoped we’d be able to resolve this issue with a modicum of maturity, but it is clear to me that you have no desire to be reasonable.” LIZ Sorry. You’re busy. Jack steps away from the computer, hands in the air. 6. JACK I unfollowed Condi, and she’s acting like I tongue-kissed Obama. (to the computer) It’s over, Condi! LIZ Jack, you own a tabloid, right? JACK Lemon, it’s a weekly news magazine that focuses on celebrity culture. INSERT: The cover of “LOVE ME SOME NEWZ”. It’s gaudy and flashy, with several photos of celebs with black bars over their eyes. Slug lines read: “HER CELLULITE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.” “HE’S CHEATING AGAIN... WITH A HORSE?!” AND “ANGELINA JOLIE TO ADOPT BRAD PITT AND THE REASON YOU DON’T HAVE A KID YET IS BECAUSE NOBODY LOVES YOUR FAT ASS.” LIZ Okay, so can you make sure they print this new picture of Jenna in the next issue and talk about how skinny she is from some weight loss cream, or whatever you guys lie about? Jack takes a look at it. LIZ (CONT’D) I know it’s kind of skeezy, but this other tabloid ran this story where -- JACK (squinting into the photograph) Is that a bump? LIZ No! This is ridiculous. Jenna’s skinny! JACK Jenna is thin, Lemon. Don’t insult the women who work very, very hard to be skinny. 7. LIZ Well, if Jenna’s thin, then what does that make me? JACK A Zamboni. LIZ (hopeful) Oh, well: “bony.” Half-good. JACK How’s the show going? LIZ Well, Tracy has been even more useless than usual ever since he saw his face on a tortilla. JACK He did? Jack stares off, the wheels turning. LIZ And I have to hire a stripper for a sketch I wrote because Jenna’s pretending to be pregnant, so I guess you could say-- JACK This is fantastic news. Jack runs out of the office, pushing Liz aside. JACK (CONT’D) (over his back) By the way, your sweatpants are sticking out of the top of your jeans. Liz looks down. They are. Like a baggy thong. LIZ Flargh. CUT TO: INT. CASTING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Liz and Pete are seriously contemplating something in front of them. Hands on chins. 8. LIZ Pete, how good was your Christmas bonus last year? PETE It sucked. LIZ Thought so. This decision’s yours. Reveal: A long line of hot women waiting to be chosen for the Money Ho sketch. PETE I love you, Liz. LIZ Merry Christmas. CUT TO: INT. TRACY’S DRESSING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Tracy is staring at his tortilla, then staring at himself in the mirror. Jack is pacing, excited. TRACY This tortilla’s right. My hair could stand to be a little shorter. JACK Tracy, I implore you. Think about what this could mean for your career. People are lost, looking for someone to make sense of this cold, cruel world. They just need a sign that someone has been ordained from above to lead them on the right path and they will spend millions of dollars on that leader. And that leader, Tracy, is you. Don’t you feel you’ve been blessed with a secret to the universe? A sudden sense of all-knowing wisdom? TRACY Sometimes when I cough, I taste nickels. 9. JACK ...Amen. CUT TO: INT. JENNA’S DRESSING ROOM - A LITTLE LATER Liz finds Jenna standing in front of a mirror, wearing a fake pregnancy belly, a miniskirt and a tiny t-shirt that doesn’t cover the foam. JENNA I might have to think this through. LIZ Oh, good. Thank you. I already know how we can take care of it. JENNA Is that what you want me to do, Liz? “Take care of it?” LIZ Look, I respect your right to choose what happens to your body-- JENNA Wait, I got it. I’ve thought it through. LIZ Just now? You thought it through just now? JENNA Uh, like it takes a long time to think. I just did it again. Oh! And again. I was thinking, and then I thought, and then I thoughted. LIZ Okay. JENNA It’s a reflex, Liz. Don’t you know how the brain works? I thought you were smart. LIZ I was wrong, apparently. Please tell me what you thoughted.