Copyright © 2010 by Cheri Huber and June Shiver All rights reserved Published by Keep It Simple Books Printed in the United States of America Cover design by Mary Denkinger [email protected] Cover art by Alex Mill i Also by Cheri Huber From Keep It Simple Books Transform Your Life: A Year of Awareness Practice There Is Nothing Wrong With You: Going Beyond Self-Hate, Rev. Ed. The Key and the Name of the Key Is Willingness That Which You Are Seeking Is Causing You to Seek How You Do Anything Is How You Do Everything: A Workbook There Is Nothing Wrong With You for Teens The Depression Book: Depression/Opportunity for Spiritual Growth The Fear Book: Facing Fear Once and for All Nothing Happens Next: Responses to Questions about Meditation Be the Person You Want to Find: Relationship and Self-Discovery Suffering Is Optional: Three Keys to Freedom and Joy When You’re Falling, Dive: Acceptance, Possibility and Freedom Time-Out for Parents: A Guide to Compassionate Parenting, Rev. Ed. Trying to Be Human: Zen Talks (Sara Jenkins, editor) Good Life: Zen Precepts Retreat with Cheri Huber (Sara Jenkins, editor) The Zen Monastery Cookbook: Stories and Recipes from a Zen Kitchen There Are No Secrets: Zen Meditation with Cheri Huber (DVD) From Shambhala Publications Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline From Hay House How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be From Sounds True Unconditional Self-Acceptance: A Do-It-Yourself Course (6 CD set)  DVDs from Openings (www.yogaopenings.com) Yoga for Meditators - Christa Rypins Yoga for a Better Back - Christa Rypins and Dr. John Sousa Yummy Yoga: Stress Relief for Hips, Back, and Neck - Christa Rypins ii Acknowledgments I want to express profound appreciation for the monks at the Zen Monastery Peace Center− Alex, Amy, Dave, Jen, Melinda, Michael, Sequoia − for their commitment to Zen awareness practice and to the Bodhisattva Vow. My own efforts are enhanced immeasurably by theirs. For support in life-in-general, helping to free me up to write and meditate, big thank-yous to Bob Kayne, Brian Terrel, Jan Letendre, Marie Waters, and Rebecca McIlwain. iii Table of Contents Introduction What This Book Is About 1 LIGHT ROOM/DARK ROOM 5 Two “Realities” 6 Light Room 7 Dark Room 11 The “I” Voice and the “You” Voice 22 FINDING YOUR MENTOR 29 Working Out Your Own Salvation 30 A Crucial Relationship 39 DIRECTING THE ATTENTION 43 Learning to Direct the Attention 44 Why Learn to Direct Attention? 52 What You Do Is What You Get 57 What Are You Practicing Now? 65 Paying Attention: Monastery Discussion 67 Entering the Portal 70 “The Gap” Guided Imagery 71 How Do You Want Your Life to Be? 75 iv How Do You Want Your Life to Be? Guided Imagery 78 MEDITATION: HOW AND WHY 87 Get Out of the Conversation 90 How to Get Out of the Conversation 92 Meditation: Open Air Discussion 97 Meditation: Monastery Discussion 102 Remembering… 105 AN AMAZINGLY HELPFUL TOOL: THE RECORDING 109 Your Recording: The Content 113 Your Recording: The Process 119 Who Makes the Recording? 124 Making the Recording: Monastery Discussion 127 30 DAYS OF EXERCISES: A SELF-GUIDED WORKSHOP 131 A GLOSSARY: WITH EXERCISES 165 What Is Awareness Practice? 166 The Foundation of Awareness Practice 167 Subpersonalities 168 v Beliefs and Assumptions 170 Projection 172 Disidentification 174 Centering 178 Egocentric Karmic Conditioning 180 Amanda 183 The Wall of Resistance 186 Self-Hate 190 What to Do When You Wake Up in the Night and Self-Hate Is Trying to Kill You 191 True Nature 194 vi I started down this path many years ago with one ambition, to end suffering. I knew my understanding of what that meant was limited, but I was sure that whatever it meant, that was what I wanted to do. I loved the Bodhisattva Vow: to save all beings. That, I deeply felt, is something worth giving a life to. Later I came across this George Bernard Shaw quote: “This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; to be thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” (Man and Superman) And there you have the young, idealistic, intensely passionate student of Zen who began vii this journey. I never wanted to teach, never wanted to write a book, never wanted students. I just wanted to meditate and save all beings. As we all know, what we plan often has little to do with what happens. And so the teacher in the monastery where I trained as a monk sent me out to teach. After a few years of teaching, I wrote down the things I had been hearing myself say over and over, and they became our first book, The Key and the Name of the Key Is Willingness. Through the years of teaching, each time I reached a new level of awareness in my practice, I was convinced that I had found the secret that would free people from their misery and open before them a path to freedom. Yes! This is it! Once they see through their depression, fear, confusion, and illusions they will be freed up to pursue a path of awakening! But it never worked that way. And I was always surprised. viii About twenty years into my practice I came to this awareness: People will not wake up, let go, and be happy until they feel worthy. That’s a central teaching of the Buddhist Precepts: We will not allow ourselves not to suffer if we are engaged in harmful behaviors. Once again, I was sure this was going to be the BINGO! heard round the world. Soon, I began writing Regardless of What You Were Taught to Believe, There Is Nothing Wrong With You: Going Beyond Self-Hate. I was excited, convinced of the revolution that was about to engulf humanity (perhaps I exaggerate a bit). When people turned up in droves to find out more about ending self-hatred, I wanted to be there to assist them. Did the revolution not make it to your neighborhood? Well, it didn’t make it to most neighborhoods, although I cannot deny the profound impact that little book and the retreat by the same name have had on countless lives. ix