The New BabyAnswerbook™ From Birth to Kindegarten, Answers to the top 150 Questions about Raising a Young Child Robin Goldstein, PhD, with Janet Gallant Sourcebook, Inc. Naperville, Illinois Copyright © 2009 by Robin Goldstein Cover and internal design © 2009 by Sourcebooks, Inc. Cover photo credit line © iStockphoto.com/ekinsdesigns Reflowed for Kindle3 and Epub by Sayurjengkol (April 2011) [email protected] Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks, Inc. This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.— From a Declaration of Principles Jointly Adopted by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks, Inc., is not associated with any product or vendor in this book. Published by Sourcebooks, Inc. P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567–4410 (630) 961–3900 Fax: (630) 961–2168 www.sourcebooks.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Goldstein, Robin. The new baby answer book : from birth to kindergarten, answers to the top 150 questions about raising a young child / Robin Goldstein with Janet Gallant. p. cm. 1. Toddlers. 2. Preschool children. 3. Child rearing. I. Gallant, Janet. II. Title. HQ774.5.G66 2009 649.'123—dc22 2008034037 Printed and bound in the United States of America. CHG 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Dedication With great appreciation and so much love—to my husband Miles, my children Ari and Anna, and my parents Cynthia and Rez. Acknowledgments This mission—answering parents’ questions and helping them gain a better understanding of their children—could not have been realized without the help and encouragement of family, friends, and colleagues. Thanks so much to Nina Graybill for her guidance in directing me to Sourcebooks; Sara Appino and Deb Werksman for all their assistance and for taking this project on; Andy Gallant for his support and tech-nical know-how; Janet Gallant for her unfailing help, her way with words, and her friendship, which I so greatly value; my husband Miles for all his love, support, and encouragement; and my children Ari and Anna, who continue to teach me the deepest meaning of love. Introduction "Should I pick my baby up when he cries?" "Do I always have to be consistent?" "Why won’t my child cooperate in the morning?" "How can I teach my child to be more responsible?" "What about shyness?" "What can I do about picky eating?" "Is it okay to bribe children?" Raising children is a vitally important job that can be difficult, demanding, and exciting all at the same time. Your questions will range from the mundane (cleanup, holding still during a diaper change, and dropping food from the high chair) to the complex (teaching right from wrong, sibling rivalry, weaning, choosing the best nursery school or day care, kindergarten readiness, learning to feel self-confident, and dealing with divorce). The New Baby Answer Book answers the questions parents have asked me most frequently in my many years in practice advising parents and educators on childhood development. You’ll find workable solutions to problems as well as insights into children’s thinking, based on the work of renowned child development researcher Jean Piaget. You’ll also find a great deal of reassurance. As you learn about typical experiences and the predictable stages of development (as defined by psychosocial theorist Erik Erikson), you’ll find that most of your child’s behavior is perfectly normal. Young children are strong-willed, have bedtime struggles, need reminders, have fears, use bathroom language, and have trouble sharing. You’ll be able to form realistic expectations and eliminate many of the conflicts that come from anticipating, for example, that your two-or three-year- old will act as a four-or five-year-old would. This book encourages you to spend time with your child, listening to him, setting limits, and taking an interest. Your child will benefit in every way and at every stage from your love and active involvement. Even if some or most of his care is provided by others, parenting, of course, is truly your responsibility. Therefore, the answers are addressed to you, the parent, although the advice also applies to all the caregivers, teachers, and other adults involved in your child’s life. The questions and answers often alternate the use of each gender. However, the answers for the most part apply to either gender. Similarly, the answers generally speak of parents dealing with one child, but the advice is applicable to families with any number of children. Getting specific answers to your child-rearing questions is important because you want to do the best you can for your child. Your day-to-day actions and attitudes can guide your child’s character and behavior in positive ways. The challenging job of parenting requires love, sacrifice, time, and attention, and you deserve all the help and encouragement you can get. The New Baby Answer Book acknowledges your natural frustrations and uncertainty and gives you reassurance and answers to make parenting easier, more successful, and more enjoyable. Chapter 1 The First Year When will my baby sleep through the night? "Does your baby sleep through the night?" That's a question you probably dread answering if your baby is still waking up. Many people believe that a baby should be sleeping through the night by the time he's three months old, so if your baby isn't, you may naturally feel frustrated and worried. Losing sleep is one of the hardest adjustments new parents have to make. Actually, it's rare for an infant to consistently sleep through the night. Some babies do, but many are still waking up at ten months and others are two or three years old before they sleep all night. The frequency of waking varies from child to child and depends on many circumstances. An infant may wake up at night to be fed, changed, or held. A slightly older baby may turn himself over during the night, waking up in the process. If a baby has new teeth coming in, he may be uncomfortable and wake up to be comforted. And if he's developmentally at the stage when he believes people exist only if he can see them, he may wake up to see his parents and be reassured. Parents sometimes consider this last type of wakefulness to be manipulative because their baby stops crying as soon as they come into his room. But he doesn't intend to manipulate—he just wants to see his parents and be close to them. Basically, your baby wakes up because he needs to be comforted, fed, or helped. He doesn't understand that you prefer to meet his needs during the day and sleep during the night. A wakeful baby can be difficult and frustrating. If you get up at night to respond to your baby, you lose sleep and suffer the physical and emotional consequences of being tired. You may also face the criticism of others: "The only way your baby is going to learn to sleep is if you let him cry it out." Such comments are unfortunate, because parents who do get up at night with their child need support and encouragement. Many parents eventually become secretive about getting up because they don't want to be ridiculed by friends and relatives. Which toys are best for babies? An infant likes to look at objects around him. By three to four months, he may be accidentally batting toys with his hands or feet, and by four to six months he may intentionally try to touch and grasp objects. During the earliest months you can hang mobiles from your baby's crib or ceiling, put a safe mirror against the side of the crib, or secure a colorful pinwheel to the hood of the baby stroller. Once he can grasp objects, you can provide soft, non-toxic toys that can safely go in his mouth and that won't harm him if he bumps against them: a rattle or squeaking toy, teething beads, or toys with faces. Once your baby can sit up, attach a busy box to the side of his crib. He'll enjoy one with buttons, dials, pop- ups, and other things he can control. You can also give him kitchen items to play with such as plastic bowls and spoons, and a spill-proof container with a little water that he can shake and watch. When he can crawl, put these kitchen items in a low cupboard so he can easily get to them. He'll also like musical toys, stuffed animals, squeeze toys, soft cars and trucks, large balls, and cloth or cardboard books. You can make books for him by slipping pictures of your family and things he likes into a photo album. Is it normal to feel guilty or upset by a crying baby? Sometimes parents of a wakeful baby become resentful, envying other parents whose child sleeps through the night and wondering what's wrong with their own child. "Does everyone else have easier babies?" Parents may blame themselves for their situation, believing that they caused their baby's wakefulness by being too attentive to his cries. "If only we had let him cry it out earlier, maybe we'd all be sleeping now." There's really no need for doubt and self-blame. When you go to your baby at night, you give him a sense of security and a sense that his needs will consistently be met. When a baby is left to cry it out at night, he gives up and cries himself back to sleep. It's really okay to go to your baby when he wakes up crying. Parents of a wakeful baby need to know that they're not alone. Many babies wake up during the night. Once parents understand this—that they're not alone— they can alter their expectations about normal sleeping patterns and begin to feel better about their child's behavior. If you're the parent of a wakeful baby, you'll want to help him get back to sleep as quickly as possible. First, try to meet his needs by changing him, feeding him, or making him more comfortable. If he's still wakeful, try soothing him with rocking or singing. Sometimes mechanical, repetitive sounds are calming—the sound of the ocean; running water; the hum of a hair dryer, fan, or vacuum cleaner. There are special sound machines, CDs, and toys that play the sounds of heartbeats; you might try one of these. Having him sleep with you may be less exhausting and frustrating than getting up several times to comfort and feed him. If you're not getting enough sleep, try napping during the day or early evening, or going to bed early at night. And recognize that, as exhausting as this can be, wakefulness will decrease as your child gets older. What should I look for in a good pediatrician? Every parent wants a pediatrician who's dependable, competent, caring, and easy to talk to. Some doctors are all of these things, and others are not. Therefore, when you're looking for a pediatrician, you should (to the extent allowed by your insurance) take the time to visit a couple of doctors, seek recommendations, and ask questions. To get the names of pediatricians you can interview, ask for recommendations from friends, relatives, your obstetrician, doula or midwife, and your insurance company. Once you have the names of a few pediatricians, set up appointments to visit. It's always best to see at least two doctors so you can compare them before you make your decision. Some charge for consultations, so ask about fees. When you visit each pediatrician's office, look around. Are there toys and books available for children? Is the floor clean enough for a baby to crawl on? Are sick and healthy children separated? Are the receptionists, physician assistants, and nurses pleasant? When you talk to the doctor, ask questions, and pay attention to how she responds. Does she answer you fully, in terms you can understand, and does she listen to your point of view? Do you feel comfortable with her? How do you think she relates to children? Because your relationship with a pediatrician will be a long and involved one, it's important to choose a doctor carefully. What questions should I ask a potential pediatrician? Here are some questions you might want to ask during an interview with a potential pediatrician: Where and when will the pediatrician examine your newborn? How does she feel about breast feeding and bottle feeding, and does she approve of the feeding method you've chosen? Does she make herself available to discuss non-medical issues such as pacifier use, sleeping habits, and nutrition? Does she have regular call-in hours when you can ask questions over the phone? Does the practice offer advice and medical updates through a website? Is there a fee for phone consultations?As you consider which pediatrician to use, think about such practical issues as the distance from the office to your home, the office hours (some pediatricians have extended hours for working parents), the doctor's fees, her procedure for emergency visits, and how her office handles insurance. If she practices alone, find out who covers for her when she's sick or on vacation, and try to meet that doctor briefly. If the pediatrician you interview is part of a group practice, ask if you can choose one of the doctors as your primary pediatrician. Choose a doctor you feel comfortable talking to, since you'll frequently consult with her about your child's growth and development, as well as medical problems. You may find that after you start taking your child to a pediatrician, your feelings about that doctor will change. You may not have known at the time you first interviewed her that you would be facing such issues as thumb-sucking, sleep problems, or late toilet use. You may discover that her opinions about these issues are contrary to yours. She may, for example, be against giving bottles to a toddler, while you think it's acceptable. In such situations, parents who feel intimidated by their pediatrician choose to hide their child's habits when they come in for appointments. They may leave their child's blanket, pacifier, or bottle at home, rather than face the doctor's disapproval. Such parents may eventually grow distant from their pediatrician, seeking her advice only on medical issues. Other parents in the same situation may become more open with their doctor, letting her know just how their child behaves and discussing differences of opinion on parenting issues. If you find yourself disagreeing with your child's doctor too often, you'll have to decide whether to work out a compromise or switch pediatricians and start a new relationship.