© 2015 by GARY CHAPMAN All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission in writing from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. Portions of this book are from or adapted from the 5 Love Languages: Men’s Edition, © by Gary Chapman 2010. Cover design: Faceout Studio Cover photo: Boone Rodriguez (boonerodriguez.com) Illustrations: © 2015 by Nathan Little (nathanlittleart.com). All rights reserved. Author photo: P. S. Photography Interior design: Smartt Guys design Produced in association with Hudson Associates Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Chapman, Gary D. The five love languages for men: tools for making a good relationship great / Gary Chapman. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-0-8024-1272-0 1. Marriage. 2. Communication in marriage. 3. Love. 4. Husbands—Psychology. I. Title. HQ734.C4554 2010 646.7’8—dc22 2009043037 We hope you enjoy this book from Northfield Publishing. Our goal is to provide high-quality, thought- provoking books and products that connect truth to your real needs and challenges. For more information on other books and products that will help you with all your important relationships, go to 5lovelanguages.com or write to: Northfield Publishing 820 N. LaSalle Blvd. Chicago, IL 60610 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 Printed in the United States of America Dedicated to the hundreds of men who have shared with me their struggles in trying to build a successful marriage For a free online study guide, please visit 5lovelanguages.com Contents Preface: What’s New in 5 Love Languages for Men 1 How Many Languages Do You Speak? 2 How to Become Fluent in Words of Affirmation (Love Language #1) 3 How to Become Fluent in Quality Time (Love Language #2) 4 How to Become Fluent in Gift Giving (Love Language #3) 5 How to Become Fluent in Acts of Service (Love Language #4) 6 How to Become Fluent in Physical Touch (Love Language #5) 7 What Languages Do You Speak? 8 Troubleshooting 9 How Can You Work Through Anger Together? 10 The Art of Apologizing Frequently Asked Questions The 5 Love Languages® Profiles for Couples—For Him The 5 Love Languages® Profiles for Couples—For Her Acknowledgments What’s new in 5 Love Languages for Men? O n a light note, we’ve added some fun new stories that will give you insight into your own marriage, as well as artwork by the talented Nathan Little to illustrate the real-life challenges Dr. Chapman explores. But this revised and updated version of 5 Love Languages: Men’s Edition also tackles two new issues that must be addressed if the languages of love are to flow freely: dealing with anger and crafting apologies. Learning to speak a new love language isn’t easy. Trial and error is often the best strategy available to us, which can be frustrating. Add to that the vulnerability that comes from stepping outside our comfort zone, and you have the makings of a combustible situation. If our efforts to speak a love language fall short or fail to impress our spouse, we may be tempted to get angry. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Anger isn’t a sin. It’s a natural response. What we do with that anger, though, makes all the difference in the world. If we learn to work through our anger in a healthy way, we’ll find that the impact on our relationship is seismic. In that same vein, mastering the art of the apology will go a long way toward ensuring the health of your marriage (and other relationships) for years to come. Done well, an apology can bring closure to tensions, conflicts, and hurt feelings that have been sore spots for months, even years. It can change the way your spouse thinks of you—the way she looks at you. It can break down barriers faster than any other words or actions can. With these two new tools to add to your love language workbench, you’ll be better equipped than ever to make a difference in your spouse’s life. —RANDY SOUTHERN How Many Languages Do You Speak? D id you hear about the guy who surprised his self-confessed “nerd” wife on their tenth anniversary with a geek-themed wedding reception? He spent eighteen months planning the party, which featured his wife’s favorite pop-culture obsessions. The groomsmen wore superhero logos under their tuxes. Each tier of the wedding cake was dedicated to one of the couple’s favorite movies or TV shows—Superman, Star Wars, Firefly, and Dr. Who— and decorated accordingly. The ring bearer, the couple’s four-year-old son, wore a Superman cape. Somehow the guy managed to keep the whole thing a secret from his wife, even though all their friends and family were involved. Then there was the guy who, for his one-year anniversary with his girlfriend, printed the story of how they fell in love on a bunch of flyers and posted them all over New York City. He asked people to take pictures of the flyers and post them on Instagram or Twitter, along with a certain hashtag. The whole thing went viral in a matter of hours. The couple received over a thousand photos, including some tweeted by celebrities such as Matt Lauer. Or maybe you heard about the guy who created a book for his wife for their sixth anniversary. He spent an entire year writing 365 things he loved about his wife and then compiling the pages into one volume, along with photos of the two of them taken over the years. Stories like these usually draw one of two reactions from fellow husbands. Either we tip our hats to these guys and give them kudos for their creativity (not to mention their fifteen minutes of fame), or we curse their names for blowing the curve and making the rest of us look lame by comparison. Here’s the kicker: Unless those guys made their plans with their wives’ primary love languages in mind, they could have achieved the same results with, say, generic greeting cards and Chinese takeout. IT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAY; IT’S THE LANGUAGE YOU USE That’s not a plug for Cantonese cuisine (though a good dim sum is never a bad thing)—or a knock against guys who try hard to impress their wives. Instead, it’s an exclamation point on the importance of understanding love languages. Everyone has a primary love language—a way of expressing devotion and affection that touches us deep inside, occasionally puts a goofy grin on our face, and leaves no doubt that we are truly and spectacularly loved. As you probably deduced from the title of this book, there are five basic love languages: 1. Words of Affirmation (chapter 2) 2. Quality Time (chapter 3) 3. Gift Giving (chapter 4) 4. Acts of Service (chapter 5) 5. Physical Touch (chapter 6) One of them is an expressway to your wife’s heart. That’s not to say she won’t respond politely to one or more of the other languages, especially if she sees you making a real effort. Ultimately, though, those other four love languages are as foreign to her as Cantonese is to most native English speakers. On the other hand, when you express your love for your wife using her primary love language, it’s like hitting the sweet spot on a baseball bat or golf club. It just feels right—and the results are impressive.