Music  by  Andrew  Lloyd  Webber   Lyrics  by  Glenn  Slater   Script  by  Julian  Fellowes Act I SCENE ONE Olympic Powerhouse 1.  I’M TOO HOT FOR YOU JEFF … And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: No Vacancy! THEA Hey! We’ve been together Such a long long time It’s been a great three days you know it’s true But now I can’t help thinkin’ Something isn’t right And honestly it isn’t me it’s you… I’m too hot for you Babe you just can’t deny I’m too hot for you The mirror doesn’t lie Thought you’d past the test But you’re a six at best I’m too hot for you So let’s just say goodbye. DEWEY Let’s pick it up now guys! THEA Baby don’t feel sorry I know how hard you tried I guess some things they just Ain’t meant to be DEWEY YEAH!   2 THEA You wanna know what happened Just look me in the eye Face it babe the answer’s Plain to see DEWEY Plain to see! Yeah! THEA I’m too hot for you DEWEY Me too! THEA I know, it’s so unfair DEWEY SO unfair! Baby! THEA I’m too hot for you And you’re just kinda there! I’m too hot for you Dewey begins to play a wild guitar solo. His bandmates watch in horror. THEA Dewey cut it out! Dewey! Dewey! BOB Dewey! What are you doing?! DEWEY Thank you New York! Goodnight! THEA That’s it, I’m done with that guy. He’s out, DOUG Alright, man!   3 SCENE TWO Dewey’s Bedroom NED Do we have to do this now? PATTY Yes, he’s trashed the house again, I’m sick of it! NED He’s lived here a long time. PATTY What does that mean? He’s been here longer than me so I matter less? NED No, Patty-cake, of course not, it’s just – we went to High School together, we were in a band together. He’s my best friend. PATTY He’s not your friend. He’s a freeloader, Ned, and he never pays rent. He takes advantage of you. He’s rude to me, and it’s time he paid some rent! NED Waking him up in the morning is a bad idea. It’s like using a beehive as a piñata – it’s dangerous! PATTY You can’t live your life letting people push you around. Go! Do it! DEWEY (Talking in his sleep) Yes, I understand guacamole is two dollars extra… NED Dewey. Dewey? Dewey! PATTY Wake up, Dewey! Time to get up! She rips the covers off Dewey. He stumbles out of bed with a start.   4 DEWEY Patty! What do you want? PATTY The rent. DEWEY You woke me up for that? PATTY Yes, we woke you up for that!! DEWEY I am so sick and tired of being the guy everyone comes to for the money I owe them. PATTY Well, sorry to disturb your beauty sleep, but we’re going to work now, Dewey. You see we work. I serve the Mayor of this city – the whole city – and Ned… Ned has the most important job there is! DEWEY Temping? PATTY Teaching! A substitute teacher is not a temp! DEWEY He’s a babysitter. NED I’d like to see you try it! DEWEY Sweet comeback, bro. PATTY I don’t care what you think of us, Dewey. Pay some rent! DEWEY Tell her, Ned! The Battle of the Bands is in three weeks! I need every penny I make! PATTY So do we! And you know what? It belongs to us! Why don’t you sell that stupid guitar?   5 DEWEY (Lunging for guitar) Noooo! Would you ask Picasso to sell his guitar? PATTY Oh my God, you’re an idiot. DEWEY Ned? Help me here. You can’t have forgotten what I’m playing for. What’s happened to you? You used to be a blood sucking, cross-dressing incubus from Maggot Death! NED That’s not who I am anymore PATTY He’s moved on, Dewey. It’s called “growing up”! You should try it. Patty exits. DEWEY I don’t want to try! Ned?! I’ve been mooching off you for years and it’s never been a problem before. NED Come on. If you don’t pay rent, Patty might leave me. DEWEY So I shouldn’t pay the rent then? NED Dewey. I may never get another girlfriend 3. WHEN I CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MOUNT ROCK DEWEY Ned. When I win the Battle of the Bands I will be rolling in the Benjamin’s and then I’ll pay your stupid rent. And that’s just the beginning. I’ll be strumming my axe in a basement dive With my totally kick-ass band When an army of A and R men will arrive With pen and contracts in hand   6 And they’ll whisk me away in a big black car And the record execs and the girls from P.R They’ll know from the start what a major league star I will be… Just wait and see…! NED Please Dewey, just pay it! DEWEY When I climb to the top of Mount Rock And I’m there staring down from the heights In my black leather boots my seven-inch heels And my lizard skin spandex tights I’ll dive off the edge straight into a crowd That’s screaming my name out loud And the gates will unlock At the top of Mt. Rock! Dewey arrives at a REHEARSAL SPACE. His band, “No Vacancy”, is there waiting DEWEY Hey, guys! I’ve got some killer new material for the Battle of the Bands. THEA Dewey, you’re out. We’re taking the Battle of the Bands seriously this year. Meet Snake SNAKE Sup. DEWEY What?! No! You can’t kick me out. I created No Vacancy! THEA You brought the band together and now the band wants you out. DOUG Don’t feel bad, Dewey. You don’t fit in. We’re all really good looking. DEWEY Thanks for that, Doug! But you’ve forgotten about one little thing: The Music! You know what? I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you!   7 I’ll be blowing out amps playing stadium shows On my sold-out galactic tour And I’ll blister the ears of the first thousand rows And I’ll leave while they beg for more Then I’ll pop the champagne and the party will rage No brown M&Ms in my greenroom backstage Bigger than Hendrix and Clapton and Page And the rest… GIRL 1 Dewey Finn? DEWEY The all-time best! GIRL 2 What a loser. DEWEY When I climb to the top of Mt. Rock And I’m perched at the uppermost peak With a legion of groupies all duking it out For my chiseled Rock-God physique I’ll scatter hit singles all over the land With my twelve Grammys in hand And the fan-boys will flock ‘Round the top of Mt. Rock! He ends up at the record store where he works STANLEY You’re late again, Dewey. I have to let you go. DEWEY But Stanley, I need this job. I’ve got to pay rent. STANLEY That was your last chance. DEWEY Please!   8 The doubters and the haters and the hipsters Let ‘em laugh Soon they’ll all be beggin’ for my roadie’s autograph I know my time is coming Well, hopefully it’s coming I’m pretty sure it’s coming, any day Once I find a way… When the dreams that I’ve had since the day I turned ten Will be finally coming true And no one will call me a loser again Or tell me what I can’t do. So I’ll hold my head high, and keep strumming those strings And I’ll grab any chance that my destiny brings I’ll rise and I’ll rise and I’ll rise on the wings of my song Up where I belong… And I’ll climb to the top of Mount Rock And be part of that heavenly scene With Odin and Zeus on the bass and the drums And Thor playing tambourine. And Elvin and Janis and Kurt will appear And Jesus will toss me a beer And we’ll jam ‘round the clock At the top of Mount Rock At the top of Mount Rock At the top of Mount Rock! Phone rings DEWEY What do you want? ROSALIE Hello? This is Rosalie Mullins, Principal of Horace Green Prep School. Am I speaking with Mr. Ned Schneebly? DEWEY No. He’s not here. ROSALIE Will you give him a message? DEWEY Whatever.   9 ROSALIE We have had an emergency and we need an immediate substitute to start tomorrow morning at 8:45. I am not sure for how long, but the position will pay nine hundred and fifty dollars a week. DEWEY Nine fifty a week? ROSALIE Yes. Nine hundred and fifty dollars a week. Without a word, Dewey goes to the door, opens and closes it DEWEY Hold on a second, I think he just came in the door. Hello-o! Anybody home-e? Oh, hey Dewey! Ned, the principal from Horace Green is on the phone… Hello this is Ned Schneebly. To whom am I speaking, please? SCENE THREE HORACE GREEN 4. HORACE GREEN ALMA MATER ROSALIE No running! MR MOONEYHAM Zack. Zack! Don’t make me call you twice! And walk like you’re going somewhere! Look at you! Tuck in your shirt! ROSALIE Good morning, Mr Mooneyham. Good morning, Zack. ZACK Good morning Ms Mullins! ROSALIE Good morning, Mrs Hathaway. Good morning, Summer. SUMMER Good morning, Ms Mullins!   10